I tried to explain how I felt to my husband and he showed no response, he just told me that I needed to figure out what I wanted.<BR>I have gained some weight the last few months because I have been so stressed out about this and he told me that I probably needed to lose weight to feel more desirable about my self, which I kind of agree on that point.<BR>He happened to look over my shoulder with out me noticing when I checked my responses to this last letter and he got angry, saying that I let the whole world in on our problems, but I really need help.<BR>I would really like to go to counseling with him but we tried that once and he refused to go back. So what do I do now?<BR>I know that I am losing my husband but really dont want to lose him, I love him so much. He really is a good person out side of this.<BR>Please help me some more, and thanks for the responses I got on the last one.

Then go to counselling yourself. He has really put a mindgame on you. He is using you to get in good with his sexual deviance.<BR>Hey husband, If you're looking over her shoulder this time, I say you're a pervert with baroque sexual practices and need to get a life. If you don't like that TS. She'll probably figure it out for herself one day and leave you for a man who is not so insecure. Then you'll only be left to swap hands.

Hi Sadeyes.<P>I, too, have a history of my husband refusing to go to counseling. We've never swung, but we've been married for three years and during that time, he's had two affairs. After the first affair, he promised me it would never happen again. He said we didn't "need" counseling. Well, one year later, it happened again. I love him very much, but I gave him two requirements if he wants to stay married to me: never cheat on me again, and come to counseling to figure out why this is happening. So far, he's complying with both requests, although he grumbles everytime we have a counseling appointment.<P>You're in a very difficult spot, because it looks like you both have different visions of how your marriage should be. Perhaps you can present the idea of counseling to him this way: explain that you have a certain desire for how you want this marriage to be. (Monogomous) Explain that you perceive his vision to be different. (Open) Suggest counseling as a way for you both to come to a compromise you can both be happy with, just as a way to get him in there. If you do get him in there one time, say something to the counselor about how your H was reluctant to come. I did this, and the counselor explained to my H that most men hate counseling, that's just the way they are, but it takes tremendous guts for a guy to do it, and if he keeps coming back, it really will help. This method has worked for me so far. I hope it works for you! Good luck.<P>Oh yeah, as far as him feeling like you're sharing your intimate details with the world, this is the Internet world. I wouldn't know you or your husband if I ran into you at Wal Mart. Men are so weird about this kind of stuff. They just don't seem to understand that women need to talk things out with the universe, just so we can get our heads straight! My H is very defensive about this, too. He's afraid I'm badmouthing him on this other support group mailing list I'm on. They don't know him from Adam, and they don't even know me!<p>[This message has been edited by Marlo (edited October 23, 1999).]

My H hasn't been too thrilled with my postings either, has said the same thing in the past whenever I've confided online or in person to friends. Women especially need to communicate, to share feelings. It's how we help each other, and receive advice. My H has gotten used to it...that I confide more than he does usually. He has also posted himself a couple of times.<P>Tell your H that while you understand his feelings, you also need to talk through this, with him..and others for advice. Invite him to post WITH you. <P>I too have gained some weight. I think it's because I'm more sedentary now, more settled. We used to go-go-go...dance, do more things. Need to get back to that, and exercise (ugh). Yes, you need to lose weight for you, and to an extent, to meet an emotional need of his. But I hope he's not suggesting that you would be more open to a free sex lifestyle without the extra pounds (possibly true, but neither here nor there, and more on the selfish side for him if so).<P>Is he willing to talk about your concerns at all, in a helpful way??

go to counseling for yourself. by stopping to take part in the lifestyle he wants, lets himknow that you will no longer tolerate it. by continuing, your telling him its ok, so he will continue. go to counsleing yourself, find a church that you can feel good about and relate with and GO. get the book the relationship toolbox by robert abel, if you cant afford it let me know and ill send you a copy. take care of yourself first, then look at ways to work on his salvation.