I need one because I feel I am about ready to jump into one, haha (not really but....)

My FWW and I were just talking again the other day. She said she felt me distancing from her, again. I just had some bad mind movies, and triggers.

So I am explaining to her what I was feeling. I have told her also that I felt I let my guard down, and I started to tear down the new boundaries I had started to build.

She takes control of my moods, and any situation where we talk about the A's, by saying how it upsets her, and how she feels like she did when she had the A's. So that scares me, because if she feels now like she did back then, well its going to be bad. So I have put my feelings and concerns on the back burner, again, and worry about upsetting her.

Its a control thing, and believe it or not, I just figured it out, I think? Insert duhh.

Something that really gets me running towards the woodchipper is about taking responsibility. She finds it IMPOSSIBLE to take responsibility for her A's...IMPOSSIBLE. I've told her a million times to say it without using the word, 'but' at the end.

So she says, 'yea, I chose to do the A's and blah, blah, and you know were not innocent in all of this...!! I was like, OMG...I could not believe it. She then said, 'I didn't use the word, 'but'....duhh, are you kidding me?

She just does not get it.

Then today she says how she did the A's because she was horny and it was all her fault and I had nothing to do with it, etc, etc. Being condescending, obviously.

In reality I've taken the fair share of our marital problems and have admitted freely my role and lack of boundaries, etc. But she hears NONE of that.

I don't know what to do.

Get a good pro-marriage counselor. She won't hear it from you, get a 3rd party prospective.

-rh-

* a good pro-marriage counselor that specialist also in treating sexual compulsivity.

Is she actually acting remorsful when she'a upset or is it more of a "I'm upset and I don't want to talk about it" type of upset?
I think she's manipulating you...
When I talk of my As to my hubby, yes I get upset. I am upset over the pain I caused him and my marriage, and I hate what I did.

You really need marriage counseling by a good counselor to get through this. I set up counseling with someone for me and my hubby and I can't wait to try and fix the mess I made with someone else there. I just want hubby to see we can make it through this.

Women just HATE it when hubby has the moral high ground. That is their job, don'tchaknow.

Yea, you likely would benefit from marriage counseling. Check out Harley's recommendation on how to find one, or use Harley's coaching center. He charges more, but has way fewer sessions, so is less expensive overall.

Larry

Yea we have been to MC. I did post on it a while back. We did two as a couple but the therapist who was so good for me in IC didn't do so well in MC.

I should have looked for another MC but did not.

'wife02', yes I think she is manipulating me too, thats what I said in my previous post.

Unlike you, 'W2', when she gets upset about our A talks, its over her own emotions, not about me being upset. I've wondered this as well, but its all part of her controlling the situation.

Your only problem is that you want to toss the wrong body into the woodchipper!

Way to go, Larry, for making this a man vs. woman thing.

Cos, you just KNOW that's what the REAL problem here is.

Geesh.

>and you know were not innocent in all of this...!!

This right here worries the snot out of me.

Is she like this in every conversation regarding the adultry?

Oh my goodness! When my H and I went to our first counselor, she kept asking him questions he would reply "But, <barbiecat>..." She would cut him off and say "don't say "But Barbiecat". Talk about your own actions. He said "But Barbiecat..." again she stopped him and redirected him to talk about himself. This went on for 4 or 5 straight sentances.
The MC finally gave us a lecture on how we have to stop blamling/justifying our actions with the other persons actions. My husbands response?..."But....".

I thought I was going to lose my mind, or die trying not to laugh. At least someone else saw it, too.

Thanks, I needed that.

Seriously, it is ALWAYS a man-woman thing. Only as they began to understand THEMSELVES can a man and a woman become PARTNERS.

We live in a unique society here in the US. Our male-female roles in a real partnership are most often very unlike not only the rest of the world, but also of thousands of generations past.

Well that said, the rest of the world is catching up with us, which is one main reasons why many around the world hate us. We have successfully exported our ideals. And that doesn't sit well with those it confuses.

You have here a mixed culture relationship to deal with. COD doesn't always understand his wife and vice versa. She clings to her ex-pat friends as a way of holding on to what she finds comfortable. And I assure you that in her culture from the Philippines, wives very much hold the moral high ground for themselves, which helps keep them sane and dealing with life in what is often an otherwise bleak existence.

Most professionals have long grasped the simple fact that men and women do not think alike; our brains are not wired the same. While certain types of therapy can be directed at both genders, such therapy does not necessarily affect each gender in the same cognitive way. I am not a PC type who thinks we are all the same except for apparatus differences. Matter of fact, a good friend of mine was part of the PIVOT project that looked into differences from the point of view that there were none. The conclusion was that there were, which did not make the sponsors of the project happy. Oh well.

I celebrate the differences. They make life interesting, if not always peaceful.

Larry

Women tend (note use of the word "Tend"} to internalize to find solutions to problems; change themselves. Men tend (that word again) to externalize solutions; change the world. "But. . ." is a perfect example of why you gotta laugh at men trying to change everything but the way they think.

You get it! And yea, you gotta laugh.

It can work the other way. For example, a woman trying to hold on to her culture in the face of a need to change the way she thinks.

Larry

'MM', too funny, you may be right.

'barbiecat'...so its not just my wife ehh? OMG I get so frustrated when she does that.


'Dealan', pretty much this is what I get from every conversation about the A's, yes. I rarely get any info that I need, and if I do it usually comes with much emotion about how I am hurting her to to bring this up and how I am not moving forward by thinking of the A's. Also how God has forgiven her and how I need to do the same, etc, etc.

Then she ends with how she does want to help me with my hurt and we can talk about it whenver I want...!!!!

Woodchipper, anyone?

We do have the cultural issue as we have talked about before....its a legit issue, and I understand what you are saying Larry.

Do you live in CT. I was one town over during that time where the pilot threw his wife in the wood chipper and spread it in the woods. It was rehashed on Snapped one night. He rented the woodchipper. Haven't thought about that for a long time...hhhhmmmmmm

But that doesn't change her need to make, uh, changes in the way she thinks. There is no excuse like any old excuse that isn't really stated or real.

Keep, uh, chipping away at it

Larry

More talking, will update here in a bit...hmm

Codtej,

You wrote, Also how God has forgiven her and how I need to do the same, etc, etc

Yea, but the difference is that God knows everything!

Gamma

Yes Gamma, he is the only one who knows everything...except my wife knows everything about her A's...I do not.

My FWW actually was able to admit to her A's and not use the word 'but', 'however', or other such words.

Baby steps?