I used to go to a gym. I am still a member but I haven't been in 2 weeks due to weather and an injury but....my hubby bought a treadmill for himself and to try to lose weight since he "doesn't have time to go to the gym". He has expressed what I believe to be jealousy over the trainer at the gym. I don't have a choice other than to ask the trainer questions (he's a man btw) and to have some type of interaction with him. Classes and whatnot. Hubby'll make comments and he seems to think the trainer likes me (he treats me no different than other members and acts professionally, but he seems to put himself into his work...think Bob from biggest loser) anyway...could my hubby buying this treadmill really be saying " I want you to quit the gym and stay at home"? I really don't like going and leaving him and my kids for the time it takes for me to complete a workout. He even pointed out that I lost more weight when I worked out at home than at the gym, which I think could be another read between the lines type of thing. Should I go along with his hidden request? Is it OK to? I don't want him even thinking I am carrying on with ANYONE!

Why not find a way that you and H can work out together?

Yes

Larry

I wish we could go to the gym together. but his work schedule and lack of available sitters prevents this. This I think is why he bought the treadmill.

Have you asked him DIRECTLY if you having interaction with a male trainer is a trigger or a breach of EP's and if so are you willing to give that up as part of your POJA.

W02,

If your husband had had as many affair partners as you had, would you feel insecure about an in-shape female trainer he was seeing, if you were equivalently overweight?

God Bless
Gamma

I'm sorry...I'm still a newbie to the acronyms..what are EPs and POJA.

Even so not completely understanding the acronyms I am more than willing to give up the gym. We haven't made any type of agreement other than the unspoken one we have. I believe he thinks I am breaking the unspoken agreement, since he always has biting comments when I return. Especially when he thinks I took to long to do something like go to the gym and to the store. I have a bad tendency to mindlessly wander around a store when I don't my kids with me...I actually get to look at stuff. I realize I shouldn't do this and I don't on a regular basis. This might happen about once a month and I really try now not to do this. I almost with he'd put a GPS something or rather on the cell phone, or at least insist that I take it because I forget it. I'm one of those few people who aren't used to carrying a cell phone.

Yes I would...I see his point. I also don't understand why he thinks an in shape male trainer would want anything to do with a sloppy, obese out of shape person like myself...I may have lost 50lbs, but I am still obese. I wasn't this fat when I cheated, I looked a lot better. OOO, this is a hot button thing with us. When I first started losing weight, he thought I was doing it so I could attract another man so I could leave...uh-oh, I am cancelling this membership asap, I don't want my hubby thinking this even in the back of his mind. I started losing weight for several reasons 1. I don't want to die of heart attack or something else heart related. 2.I don't want to get diabetes. and 3. I want my hubby to have a hot wife again. (I was a lot smaller when we met and was starting to get back in shape, then got preggo and it all went downhill from there lots of yo-yo dieting and up and down weight).

I can sympathize with you on the weight issue. I have been extremely overweight for many years and not happy with myself. It has effected me and our relationship greatly. My depression I'm sure didn't help prevent WH from the A. I had lost 40 lbs. before all this started because of pre-diabetes and was taking another medication which really effected my emotions to the extreme. If I was upset, nervous, or anything, my emotions were multiplied by about 500%.

Since WH left in January, I have lost at least another 15lbs. because of not being able to eat or when I did eat, I would throw it all up plus some. Keep going on the weight loss as it couldn't hurt when things get better. I know I am going to keep going on the weight loss except try to do it in a healthier way than the last 6 weeks!! Still only eating about 2 things a day (not meals, just sandwich, etc).

Well, even with the depression your WH shouldn't have had the A. That was his poor choice. But, that aside, we can lose the weight and be healthy! Check out Sparkpeople.com, it helped me a lot!...2 sandwhiches isn't going to cut it...you have to eat to lose weight!

POJA refers to joint agreements, which is the way every marriage should work.

Anyway, just tell him membership has gone away and then say:

"Frankly, I want to reward you with a hot wife again. I owe you. You didn't run for the hills when I lost my mind. I love you."

Then you are sorta stuck. You gotta do it

Larry

I just read over the POJA and even though we weren't following that, I broke it. He didn't want me to join the gym in the first place. I thought he was just being controlling at the time, I should have seen through that, but I didn't. I should have seen through the fact that he didn't want to pay for a year membership when we got our tax check. He was avoiding the subject with me about paying...what a fool I've been. I'm going to cancel my membership tomorrow.

So you have "cancellation rights" even though it is a year membership?

I never purchased the year membership, I was paying month to month. I have to pay a cancellation fee. I was just wanting the year membership so I didn't have to worry about paying month to month. Don't have to worry about paying anything now since I will be canceling the membership.

I think canceling is the right move. Maybe the two of you can find some aerobic activity you can both do together w/o gym. Maybe biking or something. Just a thought.

Get a Wii, a Wii Fit and a few games. I'm sure you and your H can enjoy it together.

While I agree you need to cancel the gym membership and exercise at home, I also want to say I think you need to TALK to your H more. When you don't talk honestly with one another, you are left guessing about what is going on, and that leads to disrespectful judgments (love busters) and that kills a marriage dead in no time flat. Look at the DJs in your post:

That's a great idea and we already have the Wii!

Good now go read about O & H communication.
That way you will have the tools you need to better communicate and navigate in your M and will not have to rely on reading between the lines and guessing.
Also you will be able to better communicte to your H about the fact that YOU SEE how your actions and affecting HIM and better express to him the changes you are WILLING to put into place to have better EP's. read about those too while you are there

Are the DJs I am making of him or he's making of me? I KNOW he makes them of me. And I am working on quitting my own Love Busters. I know I have made selfish demands..or at least I think so...you know with all of these women thinking giving a husband respect and meeting his needs are rediculous I'm having trouble sorting out what is a love buster with what is not being walked on. I really want to respect my hubby, but talking to him is really difficult. He thinks I am to accept him as he is, complete with everything he does to me (Love Busters and all) or in his words "hit the road". He used to hold our daughter over my head as in saying I'd never see her again if I left. He used to say the courts wouldn't allow me to have her because of my past. (giving up a child for adoption and the As). He said a judge would never let me have her. I didn't completely agree with him, but I was afraid that he might be right, so I stayed. I didn't want to leave because I didn't love him, I thought he didn't really love me because of the circumstances under which we were married. I have this nagging feeling that he just pity me and it isn't really love. Go figure as he hasn't told me he loves me in well...I don't remember the last time he truly audibly said "I love you" to me. He hasn't said it since before my As. He'll say it if I do, but only if I do and it's very mumbled. I've told him that it hurts me when he does that because he could be saying anything. Wow, look at me ramble off topic!