Put a keylogger on your home computer. He is coming by for the kids enough that he is probably using it from time to time. Better to be safe than sorry.....He will EVENTUALLY use this computer and you will capture the important passwords that you need....TRUST ME ON THIS....I had the Gaslighting King. He kept me in the dark for 4 1/2 months (believer can attest to this.....). While this was not now I eventually busted him, it was how I got all the details to A which was helpful because he was STILL trying to gaslight me, even though I caught them walking into his condo TOGETHER!!!!....

Also, I would get a GPS on his car.

Also, you should KNOW where he lives and where your kids are at. There is NO reasonable reason for him to keep this from you. You need to ask him for the information and tell him why its important (the kiddies....).

and last but not least, if what you write about your mom is the truth, you need to put this woman out of your life. She may have given birth to you, but it does not give her the right to treat you this way. You are letting her do so, and must own that. You cannot change her but you CAN change the way YOU re-act to this relationship. I have been on a "Love-Must-Be-Tough" plan with my own mother the last couple of years, and while I do miss and love her, being out of HER mess and drama has been very freeing for me. I do not regret this decision of mine.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"....Elenor Roosevelt

Remember this line.....

I am sorry for why you are here. It is a hard road, but if taken with grace, dignity, and some determination, you WILL come through it a stronger person......

not2fun

I have put my mom as far out of MY life as possible, but my parents are highly involved with our kids and takes care of them when we are not available which is very limited. I haven't talked with her in the last 48 hours, by my choice after she tried to start a stupid argument about my son forgetting his lunch box at school. I just said to her that I am not with him everyday and he has to learn some responsibility for these things. If he looks stupid carrying a plastic bag for his lunch, then that is his problem. It's not that important. She then stopped calling when I told her that. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

I will look into the keylogger (whatever that is). He did use the computer once that I know of. I can also try to get the GPS activated on his cell (one of the couple bills that I actually pay). I will talk to him about knowing where/how to get ahold of him for the kids (address, etc.) Thanks for the tips.

I wouldn't involve your son. If he were a teen, I think it would be fine to have him point out an apartment, but since there are other ways of getting the info, I think you should leave the little guys out of it. Have a family member watch the kids when you spy.

Think of one or 2 Plan A things you can do today. Write a fun and flirty text, call up with a funny story or joke. Either leave a message, or if you talk directly to him, excuse yourself right away before he's ready to hang up.

I called and left him a message today just letting him know that I was thinking of him. Asking him if he needed anything for me to pick up on my way home. I also told him how I was liking visiting the other schools and seeing "good" programs unlike what I thought of the one that I was at. Told him that I was excited about starting middle school placement in March.

I also sent him a text message today. He stated that he hadn't seen me smile in a long time, so I sent him a message that said "A smile for ur heart and to make ur day. I love you!"

Sunday, our pastor during a prayer and at another point in the service made a comment about "people" coming in and sitting, sometimes talking, sometimes not, always praying and that this has never happened before. Pastor stated that he has switched his schedule to try and be there for them. Then in the prayer, Pastor made a prayer when anyone can pray out loud or to themselves about guiding people through difficult times and through tough decisions that were having to be made. When I looked up, I felt as if it was a prayer directed at our family and seemed like a reassuring prayer, not a beware type of prayer. I feel different and our interactions seem different. Wish he was talking with me. I left two prayers that I had typed up on the sink in our bathroom. He was at the house today doing our laundry. They were prayers of help through marital problems and for the one who is not in our family circle now. Maybe he read them and sees my faith and will return. He knows how the kids are really struggling. Instead of telling my daughter he was sorry he had to leave, he told her that he had to run some errands tonight and then to work. First time he hadn't told her to stop asking him to not leave.

Working plan A and trying to find out about OW along with keeping my sanity (hard to do, contacting insurance about benefits for therapy and meds).

When I got home, we talked for a few minutes before he left (kills me inside each time he leaves). He gave me two hugs (which I initiated, but not turned away). I touched his face and he made eye contact with me both times, which he hasn't done in awhile. The second time, it almost seemed as if he wanted to lean in and give me a kiss because he dropped his head towards me a little, but then pulled back. His response each time I tell him "I love you" is "I know". Frustrating!!!!

I gave him a card and magnet today which said "Have Faith". I had a 6 page letter and two poems that I wrote for him today, but just got this feeling that today was not the day to give it to him. I feel different today. I can't explain it, but his looks and touch feel a little different. Maybe God is speaking to him and he is finding a way to forgive me for my problems and is seeing that I can forgive him and will work through our marital problems.

He doesn't usually hang up on me when he's done. He'll talk until I am done. He talks to the kids, but my daughter won't talk with him on the phone right now. Don't know whether to tell him that she said she didn't want to talk to him on the phone because it made her too sad because he left or not? Any thoughts?

Hi Prayerfulmom,

I am so sorry for your continued pain. You need to read as many threads on the forums as you can. Many are doing excellant Plan As. You need to stop telling him that you love him. He does not want to hear that and seeing as he is living with OW, it makes you appear needy and clingy. Work on yourself. You are the only one that you can change. Let him see those changes.

You can do this but you need to be very familiar with the plan and then execute it to the best of your ability. You need to do this with no expectations other than to make positive changes in yourself.

I am praying for you.

God's Blessings,

Say

If your daughter said that she does not want to talk to WH and that is the reason, tell him that. And the poems and the six page letter...hang on to them. Your H is awayward he does not have the time or the interest to read six pages of your feelings or loving poems. Save them until there is a time that he recommits to the M.

God's Blessings,

Say

That's the feeling that I was getting. It did help me to write things out. I was about the changes that I wanted to make for myself and the changes that I needed from him. I will hang on to them.

When my daughter refuses to talk, probably tomorrow night since he is at the station, I will tell him what she told me. I thought he should know and I showed him her diary entry from church on Sunday. I didn't write it, didn't influence it, and thought he should see it. Ironically, I had told him in the past that the door to my heart and the door to our house was open and waiting for him to come back into them. His choice. This was when he first left. She drew pictures of 4 doors on her diary entry about her dad.

Interesting thing...my WH always keeps his phone on vibrate, NEVER ringtone and always has. I was looking at the cell phone bill online and there was a $10 charge for a ringtone on HIS phone number. I texted him to ask if he had downloaded a ringtone since this is a bill that I pay, told him I was checking minutes which is normal because we are limited on minutes and I like to make sure we don't go over. Always have done this, so does not seem like I am checking up on him.

He stated that he did not download the ringtone, doesn't use them, and it was password protected. Hmmm. He would NOT spend money on something like this because he doesn't ever put the phone on anything other than vibrate. In the last 8 years that he has had that phone, never has. Who could have done it???

Did you ask him what address he was living at in case of emergency regarding one of the children?

No, I didn't. I will do that tonight when I talk to him. I didn't want to do that in front of the kids when I got home tonight and didn't want to possibly break down while at my student teaching. I am going to do it.

Good. You need that info for many reasons! Just helping you to stay focused!

I am trying. I am going to re-read plan A to make sure that I am trying to do what I should. Thanks for keeping me focused and helping me try to get through this horrible thing and maybe restore my marriage.

Good job with the phone call and text. Very good job also holding back on the long letter.

I agree with holding off on the ILY's. Give it a break for a while, then once in a while - not all the time - toss out a quick, drive-by ILY. Like on the phone, "Love ya babe, bye!" Click. No chance for him to respond. And in the meantime show your love with your actions.

Tomorrow, shoot for one more phone call and one more text. Make the text naughty, just a little, and the phone call full of laughs.

It sounds as if conversation may be a very important need for him, and if so he's letting you meet it. So go right ahead and meet it, being fun and flirty, and then say good-bye, leaving him wanting more.

In another day or three, move up to 2 phone calls a day, and don't be quite as quick to go. About the same time, add in another text. Whether he admits it or reacts or not, he will love to hear that you think he's hot, and are attracted to him. It's a gradual process, and you can't hit him with everything all at once.

I would recommend putting the request for the address in a short little email. "Hi WH, how's work today? It's been a madhouse here, lol, just getting ready to go soak in the tub for a while. Whew! Hey, I keep meaning to ask you for your address, just in case of emergency. Could you send it in the next couple days? Thanks. Well, I gotta run, my bubbles are calling me. ~ Prayerfulmom "

I will try hard to back off the ILY's even though it will hurt not to say it. I am trying with the phone calls and texts because you are right that the communication is one of the things he used as an excuse for looking outside the marriage, not that he was completely wrong about the lack of communication on my part, but no excuse for the A.

I will try the text, phone call again tomorrow, but it is hard and way outside my comfort zone to make a naughty text. Not sure exactly what to do/say for that. Will have to think about what might be appropriate and not too far for right now. The phone calls I am trying to think about important things to talk about, say, and try to laugh about. I try to share both good things about my day as long as the not so good, but not the emotional, like when the teacher I was working with was driving me crazy being almost bi-polar about how well or poorly she thought I was doing.

It's good for me to talk longer and more when he is at the station for the 24 hours since he seems a little more open to the conversations. I sometimes get weird impressions that things might not be normal with OW and him, but can't put my finger on it. We have our son's orientation to sixth grade on Wednesday evening and he is coming with us. I told him we could meet there or if he wanted we could ride together since he usually gets the kids off the bus and I am coming home from work. Unfortunately/fortunately he has a job interview in the early afternoon and wont be able to get the kids off the bus. He asked if my mom could get them and feed them before the orientation for him.

Phone call and text tomorrow! Will let you know how it goes.

OK...so here's a question. Just thinking out my plans of things that I want to do for plan A for WH. Saturday, he is picking up my daughter to go and get my son from his parent's house since he will be up there for a concert on Friday night. FIL, MIL, and SIL are for the M and here to support all of us. Do I send him a text while he is up there? He will be talking with his family about what is going on. He has told them and I spent a day talking with them and every other night MIL or SIL call me (I think they are truly worried that I will do something and care about us).

Is asking WH to fix something around the house a good idea or not? The drain in our bathroom is not draining well and it needs taken apart and probably cleaned out.

It is a terrific idea. While he is "working" on your drain, just happen to have the wonderful aroma of his favorite meal wafting through the house. When he's done ask him to eat dinner with you and the kids. Look good, smell good, smile and use the occasion to show sincere appreciation and admiration for the job he did.

God's Blessings,

Say

ITA! And whether or not he stays or eats anything is irrelevant, so if he runs off don't let yourself get bogged down in the hurt. Either way, he knew it was there and it made an impact, so it doesn't matter how he reacts.

Ditto for almost anything else positive you do.

I continue to do the text thing for WH and tried to make it somewhat flirtatious, but it is such a killer when there is no response back. WH will call tonight from the station and talk to all of us. He used to call on the house phone, but now has started calling on my cell phone again. I wish he would just pick up the phone during the day and give me a call just because, but I know this won't happen until A is over/ending. Trying hard to show him love, sincerity, and giving him the desire to want to return.

I did have a situation this morning where I was headed to observe at a school near his work but got lost on my way. The school, of course, was not on my GPS, so I had to call WH for directions. I told him the directions that I had looked up and wasn't sure where I went wrong. He helped give me directions to that school and then confirmed the directions with me for the school I was visiting in the afternoon.

I didn't rush to get off the phone even when I was going to be a little late getting there. We talked for a couple minutes and he told me to call if I had any problems getting to the school in the afternoon. I thanked him for giving me directions and helping me out. Told him that I appreciated it and knew he would be able to help me out if he was available. I successfully ended the conversation without saying ILY, but just expressing my thankfulness for all his help. Good???

Just thought I would ask for any suggestions. Tomorrow evening WH is joining our children and I for my son's orientation walk through for Junior high. Any plan A suggestions??? I will be getting home possibly after he gets to the house so I need to have everything I need with me when I leave for student teaching and working after.