How are you accomplishing this?

Internet searches, installed key logger, any other suggestions?

Do you know her name?

I have not found that one out yet, but my son sent his school fundraising form with WH tonight and supposedly he was going to see if OW (not that son knows that) if she wanted to order anything. Hopefully, OW puts her name on it.

Man, if it was my husband living with some skank, I would have jumped on it months ago and followed him getting the address and her name.

I thought you were going to follow him???

Whapp happened to that? Why are you not aggressively getting her name and address? What is stopping you?

Nothing is stopping me other than the fact that I am having a hard time with getting the timing. I need to do it on a Sunday morning because of having to get to student teaching which I can't call in sick on and then getting someone to watch the kids. My parents are out of town for the week and WH has a day off. WH works 24 hours on and 48 off which limits the number of days that I can get over there and follow him. It is a timing thing with not being able to do it any day during the week. If it was just work, I would call in sick even though I work a "no work, no pay" type of job. He picked an inconvenient time to do this.

I really need to stop analyzing everything WH does! He initiated a hug before he left (still one armed), but he did initiate things. Later in the evening, my DD told me that daddy had a surprise for her on Saturday. I know they are going to WH parents' house to pick up DS. I have felt a little sick ever since she told me that. I don't know whether it is just a little surprise for her or if he is planning something. I have been shaking ever since then. Is it a good surprise? Is it a bad surprise? Is it just for DD? Is it for DS too? Is it for all of us? What the h-e-double hockey sticks could he be planning? Do I ask him about it?

Bubbles, please pad your 2x4's, or better yet don't give them. Yes, PM needs to get more info on the OW, and the sooner the better. However, your approach insisting what you would have done in this situation, when you say you've never been in this situation, is a DJ to say the least. Then pile it on someone who was feeling suicidal only a few days ago, and it gets to be a bit much.

PM is already doing much better, just not being suicidal. She's in the beginning steps of Plan A, and may even need some gentle urging if this drags on too long. For where she is, she's doing very well.

I thought you had said you would no longer post to raw/wounded people here. What happened?

PM, stop obsessing about the gift. You have no control over whether it's good or bad, and you're using up valuable physical and mental resources fretting over it.

Without asking about the gift, I do think it's all right to calmly and respectfully let WH know that you expect him to not take the children around his adultery partner. Call her by that, too. "Adultery partner."

He'll be mad for a day or two, but will get over it. (Till the next time.) He may disregard your request, and without a court order there's nothing you can do, but don't let that stop you from laying out your expectations. It's important that he hears them, whether or not he follows them.

So go for a walk, do 100 situps (LOL), or whatever it takes to get your mind off this for a bit. Then fill your thoughts with God's goodness, and work on your plan. What are one or two things you can do today to further your Plan A?

Keep busy, and keep your focus on target. The other stuff is just a diversion from what's truly important.

And in answer to your question about the hug, it's good that he initiated it.

Don't have any expectations, just watch for a trend. As he begins to re-attach somewhat to you, I would expect to see him gradually increase his initiations, and also will accept more from you.

All that means is he's eating more and more of your cake, which is a good thing.

You can expect him to be angrier during this time, too, and more prone to lash out at you for little or no reason. This, believe it or not, is just as good as initiating hugs. As he tries to juggle his returning feelings for you with his feelings for OW, the conflict tears him up and can cause extremes of behavior.

It all just means he's getting splinters in his butt from sitting on the fence.

PM, just read your whole thread for the 1st time. Girl, I can so relate to you because I went through very similiar things (emotions, reactions). One thing I see you doing (that I did) that will set you back on your progress is to attempt to "guilt" WH into anything. Try and remember that the man before you is not your DH right now. It's a replacement and the WH won't "hear" you.

You are making GREAT progress on your Plan A stuff though and you should keep that up with NO EXPECTATIONS. You can't see what's going on on the other side of the fence (that you WANT your WH to sit for now, until you rock his world with a stellar Plan B.) God may be dealing with him in ways that you know nothing about. You'd be surprised. In fact, pray specifically for God to put people (angels) in your husband's path that will "speak" to him in love and power. My DH would be sitting in a bar drinking and people would stop by and tell him out of the blue that God wasn't finished with him yet. Amazing.

As for OW, you most definitely need to find out all you can about her ASAP. This is KEY! Don't worry about embarrassing your WH with exposure-- you don't care if WH is embarrassed (and you shouldn't be either!) Your DH (if he was around) would WANT you to fight for his family.

As for the text thingie, here's a good one that may leave him scratching his head wondering who you meant: "I just heard that the aliens have landed and are abducting all the beautiful sexy people. I'm gonna miss you!" He won't know if you're talking about him or you! LOL

PM - hang in there. We will help you through this all the way. Just listen, learn and implement. The things we are telling you are PROVEN.

(((PM)))

I guess as far as the surprise my WH has for my DD scared me because I am afraid that during the time that he is with her and my DS that he might take them. In my head, I know that he wouldn't do that to me, but I never thought he would walk out on me either. I am praying for WH, myself, and our family and for angels to step in his way throughout each day. I try not to use guilt as much as possible, but know that I will sometimes slip. I have tried keeping a notebook with me to express all my thoughts and feelings on instead of trying to tell him. Most of the time it works, but I will still feel nervous and shaky all the time.

I had a horrible day with student teaching today. It was the last time I have to ever deal with the worst teacher to ever have a student teacher again. Maybe that is one less stress that I have to deal with because after meeting the next teacher that I am working with, I get a great feeling about working with her.

When I got home, WH was here waiting for our DD. He was here when DS got home from school to get him ready to send to MIL and FIL's house for the concert tonight. He knew I would be home but would be leaving again to go out with a friend and WH was going to be watching DD (at our home) while I was gone. We talked for a little bit and he actually used a lot of "we" talk about things like our DS's birthday coming up next month. He asked what "we" were going to do for it and gave some suggestions. He seemed quite tired and a little defeated today for the first time. When they went out to dinner, I reached my hand out to him and he took it and gave it a squeeze. Something he would do for me when he knew I was frustrated our upset.

I do know for sure that they only went to McDonald's and came back with a movie to our house that they rented because I went to meet my friend at a restaurant nearby and saw his truck. He talked for several minutes before he left and we got a hug and he grabbed my hand. When I walked in, he gave me what I call "his smile" that he always gives me. The hand squeeze and the smile felt great. I know they don't mean a whole lot right now, but at least it is something. Also, "someone" (assuming OW) texted him when he was here. I caught a glimpse of part of the phone number (plan to search phone bills for similar number tonight) and the fact that he texted back "busy, sorry" and that was all. Several more texts came in within a short period of time and he didn't answer any more but maybe one. Didn't want to be completely obvious I was watching.

First IC session tomorrow afternoon. Still struggling with doing this, but know it is necessary for me to function.

Probably one of the hardest things to do is to help prepare the music and stuff for service on Sunday at church. It's even harder this week because the Pastor called me and asked me to help put the powerpoint together because the gal that normally does it has been at the hospital with her son with severe (second degree) burns on his arms. I all ready know how hard Sunday service will be since I know the entire thing including the sermon.

Better focus and get things done otherwise I have to do them tomorrow and each day closer to Sunday makes it harder. I all ready have to go to church after IC appointment tomorrow to program the music. Don't need to have to finish PowerPoint tomorrow at church also.

I actually did do something for myself and I think he noticed. I never paint my nails because when I play guitar with my music therapy clients it all chips off, but for some reason decided to do that last night. When I reached out to him this morning before I left for my day from (well you know), I touched his arm and he looked at my hand. I really think he noticed that I had done that. Maybe he noticed me doing something a little "girly" that I don't normally do because it isn't practical. I also walked in the house the other day with a purchase I had made from Victoria Secret all wrapped up in the fancy gift bag type way that they do. I know he say that because my DD said "Who's the present for?" I told her that it was just something that mommy had purchased for herself. I have started making sure to put the lotion that he had made a comment about liking the smell awhile back along with the body spray. DD asked the other day what smelled so good and when I told her asked if she could have some on. Now DD smells like mommy (with the same scent that he stated he liked) every day when WH comes home. She asked to where some, not me trying to do it. WH smells it on her any time he is around her.

Today will be an incredibly hard day for me. WH is taking DD up to his parents' house to pick DS up after the concert last night. It will be all day that they are gone and I will be completely alone. Positive things: 1. he has to face his family since this whole thing started (in person and more know about this than he realizes) 2. his family is on the side of our M and family 3. going to IC today (I hope this ends up being a good thing. Very nervous about it- feelings of failure, loss of control, etc.)

Negatives: 1. both kids with WH all day 2. could confrontation with family make things worse 3. many fears of things he might do (keep kids, be gone late, etc.) 4. all the unknown 5. have to go to church to prepare PP and music (hate doing this if others are around)

Have to get ready for working for most of the day and counseling session. Keep feeling nervous, sick to my stomach, numb, crying all the time.

Anything I should do throughout the day. Do I send him a text while he is up there with his family? I plan to ask him to call when they are on their way home so that I have an idea of their arrival time. Good thing is, they were supposed to go up to his family several weeks before and I had yet to reach out to his family, but due to snow, they stayed home and it was put off til this weekend. His parents came down to see me on Valentine's Day and discuss everything. I owned up to all my faults that I knew of in the marriage (including the amount of debt that was accumulated-not just spending, but for the kids and household along with a little just spending). I told them how much I wanted to heal our marriage no matter what had been done on either side. I am praying that maybe they will help him get through all this and maybe he is needing them to help him get away from OW (maybe she is mental and he doesn't know how to leave without completely setting her off. Maybe he needs FIL to give him strength to come back. I know MIL and FIL have had some marriage issues themselves, but FIL said he married MIL for better or for worse and they worked things out). PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!!!!! HOpefully no on will be at the church when I go so I can sit in the sanctuary and pray and feel some peace.

Oh well, best get ready for the day and get DD ready to go with WH to IL's. Dress her cute and make her smell like me!!!

Let her smell like you, and then love alllllll over her daddy!!!

I think you should not text him while he's with his family. Let it all soak in without interruption, except for OW.

"Sorry, busy" rofl!!! Oh yeah, he was busy.

Be at peace. Whatever happens today, and every day, is for the good. It doesn't matter if his reactions are positive or negative - they're each a step in the process of getting through this A and out the other side.

Once ingested, adultery is a slow-acting poison that has to work its way through the system before healing can begin. Almost never will Ipecac work (old-fashioned remedy to induce vomiting). In almost every case you just have to go through the whole thing. Whether the patient smiles and sleeps peacefully, or thrashes and hollers, the process just goes on.

Take courage; you're doing fine, and you WILL get through this.

Always nice to hear something positive. Saw IC yesterday and I think it went well. With everything that I was telling her, and probably have not necessarily shared on here, she was surprised as to how well I was holding up.

FIL emailed me this morning about meeting with WH yesterday. Some positive, but said WH was concerned about trusting that I would confide in him when I was upset or struggling along with me and financial matters. I told FIL I was willing to do what I needed to do to prove to WH about confiding in him and openly talking with him about everything and that was one reason for IC.

This was a huge problem in our relationship, lack of communication on both our parts, but definitely me because I would shut down and not yell or express myself.

Shut down - don't.

Yell - don't.

Express yourself - do.

It takes practice.

I now know that and am in IC to help me with this. Part of my problem I think sometimes to is that I am a music therapist for individuals with disabilities and am constantly discussing and listening to problems of the individual and families and I don't always want to discuss and talk about my own and my families problems.

Oh God! I need lots of help! My 11 year old DS told me tonight that he wished he was dead!!! Obviously I need to get him some help but am not sure where to start. I have my own IC session on Wednesday evening. Do I call her and ask to bring him with me? What do I tell WH? IL's? Who else. Really desperate for help!! I told him that it would kill me if he ever did anything to hurt himself and asked him to talk to me, his dad, his grandparents, whoever, just NEVER do anything without talking to someone.

Is there a kids help phone number in your area(that's what it is called here, I am sure you can google your area to see). They are usually a 24/7 type thing and they know how to talk to kids.