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I don't think I've ever read about a situation like mine so I'm looking for some help.
11 years ago I married my wife. She has been a good wife all of this time, but we have struggled. Last week I find out that she has been seeing another guy. She didn't want to have an 'affair' because she didn't want to destroy our family, so she just kissed and hugged and made out with this guy.
Well I finally figured it out and after lots of problems and tears she finally tells me that she has been doing it off and on with this guy (old boyfriend) for all 11 years.
It then comes out that she never liked me and just married me because I begged.
Now about me: I haven't treated my wife very well and for the most part wouldn't do anything for her. I've been a terrible husband and a real jerk.
Now we are in a position where I realize what I've done, and she realizes what she has done, but we are back to square one.
I want her so bad that I'm smuthering her, and she really doesn't like the old me (the jerk that wouldn't do anything for her) or the new me which tries to do everything for her and probably feels like I grovel and beg.
The situation seems hopeless since she really never loved me, there has never been sparks for me, and now we have 2 kids and don't want to break up the family.
My question is how do I make my wife fall in love with me the first time?
Over the last 11 years she seemed to deal with me abandoning her better than she is dealing with me smuthering her now, so perhaps I should just give her some space, but also be very gentle and kind.
Another issue is the physical stuff, she was never into me, but let me do it every night because I wanted it and she wanted to care for me. I've told her that I don't want it unless it was mutual, and we haven't been close since which I think is starting to stress us both out.
Also, I think she royally regrets marrying me, and I'm struggling with the idea that I'm married to someone that never had anything for me, and to be honest am wondering how someone could even do that to someone else and not immediately see the problems it will cause.
What do you think? Can this be saved, or rather, started?
schu
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I'm sorry - which part is unique?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you found us.
We have a good plan here, which is called Plan A. All you have to do is show your wife what a good husband you can be, and change the way to used to treat her.
It also includes insisting that she have no contact ever again with the other man. She would need to write a letter to him saying that she made a huge mistake, loves you, and never wants contact with him again for any reason.
You may not have been a great husband, but she is most likely rewriting the history of the marriage to justify her affair. That is what wandering spouses do.
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It's all stock standard.
She's also rewriting your marital history just like all waywards. She has also most likely (100%) slept with that guy as well.
Start by reading the infidelity FAQ's and prepare to expose this affair.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Time for a DNA paternity test.
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Just for the record akschu, this is about as standard as they come. If you care about saving the marriage, roll up your sleeves and get ready to work/fight. You can do it, and you will get great advice here.
You need to step out of your own fog and realize what is going on, and be prepared to take action.
_________________________
BH=36(me), WW=36
DDay: Dec 4 2009
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Hmmm, I thought it was unique because she was with this other guy only months after we where married, and therefor is being honest when she never did have a thing for me.
Ok, so I need to start working plan A, is that in a book or anyone have a link to that?
A little more information about the affair:
I talked to the other guy and he wanted to have a 'gentlemans' agreement that I wouldn't tell his wife and he would stay away from mine. I gave my word, but who cares.... If I tell his wife he will be really upset, and I suspect they would be over. If I did that I know he would contact mine again and she would be tempted to go back to him. That would bring this thing to a complete head since she would have to choose between him or me and our children.
In the mean time he has been staying away and they haven't seen each other in 3 months, and haven't talked for 2 weeks, so perhaps it's done enough to not go further.
She says it's over between them and I believe her, and I think she understands that this will destroy the family, so she is staying away (and that is also why I don't think they slept together), but she is still really struggling since she now realizes that she is stuck with me and she really doesn't like me.
Assuming that she is correct (and as far as I can verify she is) and didn't sleep with this guy, and doesn't want to divorce, but is struggling with staying with me, what do I do? I've been really weak and lame about it, so I'm starting to figure out that that isn't helping. Should I go expose away when I think it's over? Wouldn't that do more damage?
schu
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I talked to the other guy and he wanted to have a 'gentlemans' agreement that I wouldn't tell his wife and he would stay away from mine. I gave my word, but who cares.... If I tell his wife he will be really upset, and I suspect they would be over. If I did that I know he would contact mine again and she would be tempted to go back to him. That would bring this thing to a complete head since she would have to choose between him or me and our children. Let me make this more clear: I talked to the other guy and he wanted to have a 'gentlemans' agreement with me that I wouldn't tell his wife and he would stay away from my wife. I gave my word, but who cares.... If I tell the other guy's wife he will be really upset, and I suspect that him and his wife would be over. If I did that I know he would contact my wife again and she would be tempted to go back to him. That would bring this thing to a complete head since my wife would have to choose between him or me and our children. So the question is: Should I expose anyway knowing that will really upset my wife, bring him back into the picture, all when they aren't seeing each other anyway? Perhaps I should just demand that my wife write him a letter. schu
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Hmmm, I thought it was unique because she was with this other guy only months after we where married, and therefor is being honest when she never did have a thing for me. Don't buy into this foggy wayward talk. While where there is smoke, there is fire, she did not "never did have a thing for me". You should buy the book, and poke around these forums to enlighten yourself. You should do this urgently.
_________________________
BH=36(me), WW=36
DDay: Dec 4 2009
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Yes you should expose and OMW should be the very first on the list. You have no idea what she will do. It MAY drive them together temporarily but generally people don't like seeing their sleazy actions through the eyes of their friends and family.
It's a splash of the cold water of reality on their fantasy.
I'm sorry - there is no way they have been seeing each other for 11 years and him not banging her. No way - no how.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I talked to the other guy and he wanted to have a 'gentlemans' agreement that I wouldn't tell his wife and he would stay away from mine. I gave my word, but who cares.... ![[Linked Image from i222.photobucket.com]](http://i222.photobucket.com/albums/dd224/jwonderingphotos/bigthud.gif)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Should I expose anyway knowing that will really upset my wife, bring him back into the picture, all when they aren't seeing each other anyway?
Perhaps I should just demand that my wife write him a letter. ok, now that I have picked myself up off the floor and regained my breathing, I will try and answer this. First off, the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid "upsetting� your wife and the OM. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair. The adulterers want you to keep the affair secret so they can resume it at any time. By keeping their secret, you ENABLE the affair. Secondly, if the adulterers wanted to be together [and leave their spouses] they would already be together [and leave their spouses]. You can see they are not together. Exposing them ruins their affair because affairs thrive on secrecy and FANTASY. It is like getting high on crack. The high is ruined if you bring in a crowd of onlookers to watch the crack heads. That is what exposure does. The greatest threat to your marriage is not exposure, but NOT EXPOSING it, because you allow the affair to thrive and resume at another time. The longer the secret, the more entrenched it becomes. By telling the OMW �WITHOUT WARNING � you allow her to watch from her end. This ensures the affair does not resume for many reasons. First off, the OMW will watch from her end and secondly, now that she knows what the problem IS, she has an opportunity to fix her marriage too. That is greater insurance that the affair won�t resume.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you are going to have a gentleman's agreement, then you may as well just "gentlemanly like" share your wife with him and have an open marriage.
Why are you so polite and unemotional about this?
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I talked to the other guy and he wanted to have a 'gentlemans' agreement that I wouldn't tell his wife and he would stay away from mine. I gave my word, but who cares.... If I tell his wife he will be really upset, and I suspect they would be over. If I did that I know he would contact mine again and she would be tempted to go back to him. That would bring this thing to a complete head since she would have to choose between him or me and our children. I say call his wife and tell her that he asked you to agree to that. With luck she'll make his life a living hell for a while instead of just dumping his sorry butt in the dumpster. Affairs are only attractive as long as they remain pretend and fantasies. As soon as reality strikes them they begin to shudder, shiver, dry up and die. Unless you've been such a complete [censored] that she wouldn't stay with you on a bet... Just so you know, you can't have a gentleman's agreement with somebody who is anything but a gentleman. The words snake and coward come to mind, but gentleman??? Nope, not feelin' it. Which brings me to the question of why on Earth did YOU agree to such a thing? What were YOU thinking? BTW, you solution is not to prevent making her mad. It is to get her to stop boinking OM. Mark
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[Just so you know, you can't have a gentleman's agreement with somebody who is anything but a gentleman. The words snake and coward come to mind, but gentleman??? Nope, not feelin' it. There were no " gentlemen" in that agreement. Just partners in crime.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Even if you did agree to have that agreement, do what Mark said to do. If you care for your wife at all fight for her.
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I talked to the other guy and he wanted to have a 'gentlemans' agreement that I wouldn't tell his wife and he would stay away from mine. I gave my word, but who cares.... Should an affair be revealed?
I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.
From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.
But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. If you had known of my H's affair and had not told me, I would have very strong negative feelings for you. Tell her, if for no other reason that for her healths sake.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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-SOL
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Wake up your WW has been having sex all these years.
No OM hangs around for eleven years just to hug and kiss.
OM also don't respect anyone marriage and do not use protection.
There is a good chance the kids are not yours.
You must get a DNA test.
As to a gentlemans agreement. Why was he not a gentleman by getting you to consent to sleeping with with your WW eleven years ago?
Expose OMW and DNA today.
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Why are you so polite and unemotional about this? Because he does not believe the truth yet, that his WW has cheated on him and betrayed him in every sense of the word. Akschu, brace yourself for when you find out. It will be horrible no matter what, but at least you won't be caught totally off guard. Of course tell OMW. She deserves to know regardless, and also has the potential to become your best ally in keeping the waywards from continuing their affair. There will be fallout, yes, but far less than what will happen if you allow this A to continue unchecked.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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