This is the funniest thing I've ever read here!!

"Sorry buddy. I've been banging your wife for 11 years and now I'm busted, let's call it even?"

How do you come to a 'gentlemens' agreement with a scumbag???

Call his wife yesterday!!!!

Are you kidding?

He has had sex more times with her than you have!

Expose to EVERYONE ASAP!!!

And she is rewriting history "I never Loved you" is a standard justification used by almost all waywards.

And you may have been a bad husband, and you need to fix that. But that does not justify an affair.

Akschu, you really need to take off the rose tinted glasses and grind them under your foot. There is NO WAY that your wife has carried on an 11 year affair without sleeping with the guy. The chances are so astronomically small, that if true, go buy lottery tickets immediately because you have the best luck in the universe.
You definitely need to brace yourself to find out that this is true.



The gentleman's agreement you made is absolutely appalling. Have you no dignity? Definitely go tell his wife with any proof you have and give no warning to anyone about this. Do not tell your wife you will do it, because she will tell OM to try and head you off.

Like the others have said, your wife is almost certainly rewriting marital history to make her own actions seem less cheap and slutty. She has been emotionally involved with this guy for your entire marriage, so she obviously couldn't have loved you for your whole marriage. Because if she did, she would just be a common adulterer rather than a victim/martyr. You see how that works?

After you expose, you need to do a good plan A and identify her emotional needs. You need to knock off the clingyness too. It is not attractive and will only push your wife away.

Fall in Love Stay in Love

Do some reading ... educate yourself.

Do not warn anyone, just expose all at once.
Read about exposure before you do it so you know what NOT to do.

Let me posit what has happened in your M. Since she has been seeing (f-ing) this guy since the beginning of your M, she has never been fully committed to you or your M. Although you did not know about POSOM, subconsciously I think you picked up on the fact that there was something wrong with her and thus your M. In her waywardness, she does not satisfy your EN's. You respond by not satisfying hers. It is a negative feedback loop where your M spirals downward. Maybe you have been a jerk because of the circumstances of the M, which would totally be understandable. Regardless of why you have been a jerk, it is a major LB and must stop.

This is mostly true. Since her A has been going on since day one of your M, she has never been able to achieve romantic love. Some other vets above say that she is re-writing history, which I do not think is the case. I think you never achieved that romantic love because she was having an A and you both never satisfied each other's EN's.

The good news is that this can be turned around with hard work and a plan. You mentioned giving her some space - that will not help. She must go NC for life with her POSOM before you can even begin to recover your M. Since you are not rekindling old love, I don't think she buys into the fact that it is possible, but it is. I think you two are perfect candidates for MC with the Harley's because she needs to get on board.

I think we need a few more additions to the "FogSpeak" thread.

WWs: we just kissed and groped--nothing more!
WHs: I'm moving into her spare bedroom, but we're not having sex!

Sorry, OP, you're probably reeling from all this. Longtime posters here really have heard it all and they have heard the "rest of the story" as well. Generally it's the same story that your WW and her lover have spun to keep you from making trouble for them.

But please stick around even if it's uncomfortable--the advice here is very valuable and for the most part, everyone here wants to help you recover your marriage.

First off, your sitch is so standard it's pretty much a template for all the others. That's a good thing, because it means the methods here can work for you IF you work them, work them correctly, and work all of them (don't pick and choose).

Don't believe a single word that comes out of her mouth. Waywards ALL lie. I have never yet seen an honest wayward.

I mean, really, look at this objectively.
She NEVER liked you, yet she married you?
She married you because you BEGGED her?
And that was enough of a foundation for her to stay with you for eleven years?

Do the math. She's not telling the truth. Of course she cared for you, and she still does. She's just confused and not herself.

Crash course in exposure:
--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

bump