I have heard all the stuff your H is telling you from my WH. Including...I am afraid you will hurt me again. Yes, my WH thought (and still thinks) that the reason he has A is because of me being a nag, being unhappy, being difficult. That entitles him to have OW who he can be happy with. His words not mine.
Your H believes the same thing. He believes you make him miserable and that he is entitled to some hapiness after so much misery...
My WH also said that sex was never a problem with me...however he would not have it. And Melody is right, having sex with W is cheating on OW. Imagine in what sort of mental trip these men are!
So, follow what Mel said. I can assure you taht if you do not...he will make the rest of your M life sheer he77 and will cheat again and again till it drains you and leaves you an empty shell of a woman.
Stand up for yourself. Tell him the M you want.
Blessing

Just a reminder that Plan A is not supposed to be a way of life. It is only to last 3 to 4 weeks for women and she is WELL BEYOND THAT. A prolonged Plan A causes problems and is ill-advised. If he doesn't know that she is willing to meet his needs in the future, then he will never know. I can see dragging out Plan A if there is a POINT, but I see none here.

What I envision with the Florida trip is a very disappointing trip with a H who refuses to have sex with her and who is emotionally withdrawn in his affair with the OW. That sounds to me like something that would only serve to wear you down MORE psychologically for no benefit.

I would use that offer in a more strategic manner that is likely to reap a BENEFIT, such as asking him to commit to a program of recovery and signing up for a MB weekend along with counseling, using the Florida trip as LEVERAGE.

That will reap a result.

I know you knew and sorry posting a comment on yours. I am not sure about her and just want to clarify it.

I am glad to see atena's post, she is the one that jessi was asking for.

-rh-

+1 on the Florida trip.

Just got back from a family/work trip to Puerto Rico with my WW and kids. Kids had a great time. I thought I'd have the opportunity to "plan A" my azz off. Instead, I found her contacting OM and texting her girlfriends about it while we were on the trip. Needless to say it pretty much ruined the trip for me.

We ended up further apart after the trip than before.

melody lane,
to answer your questions, I have considered that he was just trying to be nice so things were comfortable at home..the part of him being afraid of me hurting him because I have told him what I want and if it doesn't happen then I will ask him to leave the marriage like we have agreed to. He will have to put himself out there and take his chances that i'm happy in the end....I know who the OW is and my husband has stopped some of the events he used to be able to see her at and his phone and computer are available for me to see when I want. phone records......he says he doesn't love me and I know that is what all cheaters say but he has been saying this to me because of our marriage for a couple of years and asking me for a divorce for at least 3, he said the affair was because of that and that he regrets that now, now that he can see some hope for us, says he does not feel the same about me anymore, he said he thought I didn't love him, and when I said I never stopped loving him he saw that as hope which he didn't see before.....I will be working my final plan a while in florida and then when I get home I will have a conversation with him about what his intentions are to fix our relationship and if he still is undecided or has no plan then it will be a plan B from there on........

married for ever,
plan a him and then plan b him what you said is exactly my plan.

fred,
hi, I am asking him to move out when we return from florida unless I see something different and hear some kind of plan for us to work things out so both of us are happy.........Plan B will take effect, he knows what my expectations are and he knows that I have been more than understanding but now need to have an answer one way or another and then continue on with whatever plan we both will be happy with.
I'm not a fool

What is your plan A ?.

-rh-

fred, I have also added a cohabitation clause that extends the usually 90 days to 180 days so I don't ruin anything I have already in place......that way we are free to try until we get back and then we will have had time to each access the marriage and see if there is anything there for us or we call it quits and just understand that we can't meet each other's needs......

atena,
I have told him what I want, he wasn't the only one that was unhappy with the way things were, I would have to see changes and having gone through something like this it does show you that you just don't settle anymore and that is where I'm at.

You sound like you have both feet on the ground, Jessi. That's very good!

redhat,
My plan A is to be loving, happy and just totally relaxed, I plan to have fun walking the beach, golfing with him(we both love this) and just listening to him and get to know him again, we have gotten so far apart.......
I'm going to be the sexiest I been in a while, I will look good, smell good and just don't do anything that will show him the girl he fell out of love with...
I'm going to take him out and share some drinks and food, I'm going to touch him and intice him into the bedroom for a couple of weeks and really make him want to approach me......I know I could be setting myself up for some rejection but 26 years is worth the effort and if it doesn't work at least I tried and that is my personality.
I am actually going to have fun trying and I'm going to be playful with him, he has never been able to resist that part of me, this will be the first time he won't see the OW and it will be for 14 days, this was his idea to go with me I was going alone....
I'm hoping for what ever his reasons that it's sincere that he wants to spend time with me to see if we can get back to each other........I might be a fool I don't know...I'm strong enough to do this.....

No, you are not a fool, you are fighting for your M. You go girl !. You are a strong woman and have your stuff together, you could do it. Yes, you have a good plan A. Revisit what's good in the past and show him the best part of this M. If he doesn't value it ... don't LB'ed during the trip, it defeats your plan A. Wait after the trip to look into plan B. You need a solid plan A before you go into plan B.

Good luck and hope a bit of Florida sunlight poke through the FOG for at least 14 days.

-rh-

Jess, as long as he sees the OW at work everyday his affair is still on. It has the effect of an alcoholic having a drink every day at the bar. Do you see? Just seeing her triggers his feelings. That is why he is not drawing to you. It is his affair that is the problem and there will be no recovery until all contact ends.

If he sees "hope" as he says then wouldn�t now be the time to bring up a PLAN for recovery? Why wait? Why wouldn�t he therefore commit to a PLAN?

I will just re-emphasize Dr Harleys words, Jess. Plan A is only supposed to be for 3-4 WEEKS. You have done plenty enough Plan A. If he doesn�t get it by now, he will never get it. 

I got the feeling she hasn't done a "proper" Plan A, at least not in the MB sense. If she can do a stellar Plan A for Florida, why not? She seems up to it and strong....

I am not one for a prolonged Plan A....I did that and almost had a nervous breakdown. But I am getting the feeling she has not done a great Plan A thus far, which is why I am suggesting a knockout Plan A followed immediately by a very dark Plan B.

His last memories of her will be of an awesome vacation in FL while she is in a killer Plan A.

She has been in Plan A since November. If you read her other thread, she has been already been doing this since November. A 4 month Plan A is inappropriate. But hey, she has decided to this so there is no point in hashing it. If you feel 4-5 months is appropriate for Plan A, then you can help her with that.

I never said a 4-5 month Plan A was ok and you know me...I am VERY against a long PROPER Plan A since from experience I know what that can do to a BS.

I could be confusing her with a differeet poster but I thought she said her Plan has not been a MB "Plan A" and not very high quality. IF that is the case and she feels strong enough to give it one last go for FL then I see no harm in it. Just IMHO.

She seems aware that she should immediately go into Plan B and in her PBL she will state that recovery will not be attempted unless her WW no longer works with Ms. Ho Bag.

Jessi...I am not suggesting a Plan Doormat and I hope that is being made clear. I am suggesting you Plan A your hiney off WITH the goal of going immediately to Plan B when WH refuses to quit working with skankyho...because he WILL refuse since you have tolerated it this long. He will not think you are serious until you go full NC with him over this point.

There will be NO recovery while he works with her. Do not fool yourself for one second. This IS the reason he is has not committed to R...the fog is thick.

I planned A for almost six months (and I am a BW) but I am unusually patient and able to put Taker aside and I really needed to do it that long to rebuild a foundation of love for potential reconsiliation.

I didn't notice much improvement until the last month and a half and it was huge. We became inimate emotionally again for the first time in a LONG time during that.

Then I went plan B once I felt any further A would cause slippage of all the hard work I put in during the plan A period. I had done all I could reasonably do and anything else was possibly going to just be extraneous.

I went to B when I realized WH was not going to cut OW out and the only way to maybe have that happen was for me to step the heck out of the way and let it play out.

HTH

sigh...

thanks everyone for your posts, an as much as I understand what you are all saying I know you are right about the Ow, this has happened before to him, he was married before they were both lawyers and continued to work in the same firm successfully without any personal connection....while we were married and having our children....he had a stronger connection with her than the OW.......I do agree with what you are saying......and I think you are right, Plan B is in order when I get back because I to think that this has gone on long enough.....sometimes I think there isn't a solution to my problem.....he is the head guy at his firm, she is one of the law clerks, she is also separated from her husband and one of her childrren, they are younger than ours......he is 54, she is 10 years younger.....lots of responsibilites with parenting and $$$ needs, we are free and better off than her, he has given me everything in our agreement......and without a fight about it.....he is taking care of my needs and making sure the home for our children stays in tact for us.....I guess I'll plan the hell our of my A plan and then do the Plan B thing.....
I'm totally prepared for the marriage to end and maybe that is the answer let the affair play out, let him lose his life as he knows it......maybe somewhere down the line he will see what a mistake he has made with his life, it's taken me some time to come to an accepting place about my life, i will be fine and I'm actually looking forward to what life has in store for me, I guess after 26 years you feel comfortable and don't really want to think about starting over with life.......I'm not mad anymore, I've come to a peaceful place, I'm okay with the separation agreement which is better for me, everyone we know is supporting me even some of his family members.....he forgets they all love me as well......so I will be okay, not sure about him...