I remarried my husband after being divorced about 10 yrs. We divorced because he was having an affair with a very young girl and got her pregnant. I have forgiven him and accept his child. The problem is, during our marriage he played the role of father to her other child for about 3 yrs in our marriage. I didn't know this until after we separated. He continued to act in that role. This child now has a stepfather(his mother married recently) and he knows his biological father. So it's not like he doesn't have anyone. But my husband tried to convince me of that while we were dating. But after we married, I found out differently. He wants to continue the relationship with this child at all cost. His child spend 3 days a week with us and his brother comes as well. Whenever the mother gets upset with my husband, she immediately let's him know that he can not get her son. Then when she gets over being upset, or when her son begs her to let him come, it changes. I have strongly objected to the way he wants to continue the relationship, and this is where the problem comes in. I feel he is out of order. He doesn'e show her new husband any respect. And mostly, he is not showing me respect. I told him that it is hard for me to deal with. Because I feel he gave her control over him in our marriage when he chose to have the affair with her. (I am not putting the blame of the affair on her, it is with both of them) And now he is allowing her to control him in this issue. He has no choice over the decision she makes with her son, because he is not his father. She can't withhold his son because he has legal joint custody of him. My husband feels he can better parent her child than her husband can. My husband has his own business and his time is very flexible. He goes to the boys school everyday while they are in after school care, to make sure they do their homework. He thens gets them from school and goes to the fitness center where they go to the children area and play. His stepfather can't do that because he has a 9-5. He tells me that it would hurt the child if he stopped the relationship. I know it would at first, but I know in time he will be alright. Because he has his father and a stepfather in his life. I feel the real reason why my husband doesn't want to stop the relationship is because it is so familiar to him. He doesn't want to feel uncomfortable.
There is more to this saga, but I will stop for now. How would you handle this situation.

tekoa, welcome to MB.

Your husband has two wives and two families. He is doing this because likes the power and control and ego gratification he gets from it, and he sure isn't going to stop just because it bothers someone else (like you).

He has trampled all over the boundaries of any normal marriage and so has his OW. They don't seem to know where their marriage ends and someone else's begins, and they don't seem to care.

I think your problem comes down to boundaries. You will have to make some serious decisions about taking control of this situation, because you can be sure your husband will never, ever change this on his own.

Here is an MB post on boundaries that might help you:

*****
A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.

THank you Me,BW

I just happened to have the book "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. I will refer to it. I will begin to protect ME.I have told him many times how I feel about this, yet he finds a way to get around my requests. He'll make a few ajustments, but then we get back to business as usual.

His child or hers and her hubby ?.

Your title should read "I allow My Husband under his ex-mistress control."

Do you have any kids with H ?

-rh-

His child. No we do not have any children together.

Glad you found us. I was in a similar situation, married a man with 4 children, the youngest two by the same woman. This woman also had 2 little girls by another man. And she was a poor mother and drug addict.

When a man doesn't have boundaries, it makes many problems in the marriage. I could tell you horror stories of all we went through - loaning her money for apartments, taking the kids for months while she partied, etc.

I tried to make the marriage work for 15 years, and then he cheated on me.

While I love all of my step kids and are very close to them today, looking back, I realize that I was never his priority. He showed that all through the marriage, and again when he had the affair.

How long were you married the first time, and how long the second time? Do you feel like a priority in his life?

We were married 5 years the first time and we just got remarried 6/4/09. No, I don't feel like I'm his priority. We haven't experience any of those situations yet. But if he continues without boundaries, I could see where another affair is lurking. The mother of his child recently married the father of her 3rd child. They are in the honeymoon stage now. I really believe that as soon as things go sour, she will begin leaning on my husband. When he was by himself he did everything a father should do for her child. Some of those things have stopped only because I asked him to(with much coaxing) I don't intend to continue being abused.


Are you still with your husband?

Tekoa, "believer" and her husband divorced and he passed away recently.

Whoes husband divorced and passed away? Your reply was a little foggy.

Mulan, I'm sorry I'm the one that's a bit foggy. I understand your reply. This forum stuff is new to me. I am computer literate, but have never participated in onlin forums.

tekoa,

I will asking you hard questions.

You have no kids with him and never treat you like he should. You know what has happened and what is coming to you. Why do you still want this man as H ?.

-rh-

I'm no longer with my husband. He had an affair and I tried to save the marriage for several years. Two weeks after we divorced, the affair ended, and then he wanted to come back. But I was done. Mainly because the affair was just more evidence that I'd never been one of his priorities.

He later committed suicide, leaving a note saying he could no longer stand the loneliness.

Like I said, 15 years of nightmarish behavior form him, trying to satisfy the addicted mother of his 2 youngest and her 2 other girls. We paid for apartments, co-signed for loans, supported the kids, all to no avail. She ran the show, and I have never figured out the dynamics. Even though we were married, he always went against my wishes and sided with her.

Now that he is gone, she has lost her hold on us. She has no contact with her kids, but I do. They are very much in my family and it is almost a relief for me. Sorry to say that, but it is the truth.

Redhat,

I don't mind you asking the hard questions.

When we married the fist time I had 4 children by my first husband. I had no plans of having any more. He knew that when we married. All of my children are grown with their own children.

After we divorced he never moved far from our home. Matter of fact he lived the next street over; and we are not from a small town. I noticed the tremendous spiritual growth in him. He was a changed person. For the 10 years we were apart he made his son and her son his life and priority. The relationship with her ended shortly after the birth of their child. But he continued the relationship with her son; who is no 12.

He married several years ago, but that marriage ended, because his wife stalked and physically abused him.

It's a little to late for me to ask myself the question, "why do I want him as my husband." I honor my marriage vows. I forgave him for the affair the first time. If it happens again I will not have him in my life. NO EXCEPTIONS

Let me rephrase it. "Why do you want to keep him as your husband ?". I asked you because I want to know how low your Love Bank is. From your answer I gather your Love Bank is extremely low and almost bankrupt !. I asked you because like others pointed out, he lied and cheated on you first go around ... then deceived you again ... then not keeping his M vows (loves and cherishes you).

You want to save M ... yes, you came to the right place. However are you ready to work on it ?.

If you could afford it, you should get pro help by calling Steve ($$$) or going to MB weekend or getting local MC. We are just wannabe. However we could give you our opinions and start from here, doItYourSelfMB'er.

I stop for now and wait for your post.

Redhat, I would like to save my marriage. I understand love is a decision and I have decided to love my husband. I really wish I would have found MB before I remarried. I will look into MB weekend as well as counseling. I appreciate you frankness/honesty.

I have already shared this site with my married daughter. I am going to share it with my 3 other married children.

I look forward to your reply.

Have you read MB basic concepts ?, you could get the books but the concepts are the same.

The value of MB weekend is not on the seminar but weekly the follow up program and direct access to a private forum hosted by W. Harley himself.

Yes, every M could benefit from MB. I have given out many HNHN books out to friends and direct them to this forum.

You are on the right mind set to save your M.

First stop LB'ng. You could kicking & screaming here but not to your H. Yes, your are not his top priority but let's not focusing on it. Don't force your H to choose, you know you will loose. Let it go for now and don't LB'ed. No demand, no nagging, not a word about it ... let him be for now. Yes, you need boundaries, etc, etc ... that's later after you learn MB inside out. Bite your tongue if you have to. Rant here.

In the nutshell ...

Your focus should be learning MB as fast as you can by any means. Read Basic Concepts, Read the Q&A, read and join other people posts.

Get the Basic Concept and post/read to find the answer for your Q(s).

Learn about LB's ... find out your LB'ed (H did to you - like not putting you first in M) and his LB'ed (you did to your H - like nagging him for stopping R with his son).

Then ENs ... find out your top 5 ENs and guess H's.

Before you start applying what you would have learned, make sure you understand Giver&Taker and POJA ... learn how to be smart givers and smart takers. You need to learn POJA.

God Bless you and hope HE will open your H's mind and heart to save this M as well. Amen.

-rh-

I would like to hear others view on my situation. I will capsulize it.

My H had and affair that resulted in a child. He played the role of father to her oldest child, which is not his, for 2-3 year during our marriage. Unbeknown to me! We divorced and stayed apart for 10 years. He never married his mistress. Yet he continued the relationship with her son, who is now 12. I don't want him to continue acting in that role, because it is a reminder of the control he allowed her to have over him while we were married. The ex-mistress has recently married, and now the child has a stepfather. He also knows his biological father, who he spends time with in the summers.

My husband goes to the school everyday to see and spend time with this child. He brings him to our home 2 days a week. He has his own son 3 days each week. That was the same arrangement with the child that is not his until she got upset with him and switched it to 1 day. But recently it went to 2 days. We argue over this whenever I share my feelings about it. As long as I accept this arrangement, my husband is fine.

This child is his priority. Not even his son is his priority, because there are time when he can't get the child that is not his, he will not get his own son. Even though his visitation is in a court order (one he initiated)

This situation feels the same as an affair. Decisions that are made about when this child comes to our home is done without me. I find out after the fact.