I need help and advice. My husband has recently told me that he has feeling for ssomeone else. This has been an issue for some time. He says he loves me and is committed to us. We just began counseling. Where do I go from here?

Hi, welcome to MB. I think it's a good sign that he told you himself. Not words anyone wants to hear but you'll find a lot of folks who have walked in your shoes (and your husband's) here on these boards.

More info would be helpful:
How long married?
Any kids?
How does he know OW (other woman)?
How do they communicate/interact (i.e. email, text, cellphone, at work, in same study group at church, etc.)?

Again, welcome. Sorry you're here.

We have been married for 13 years. We have been together for 20. We have 2 kids 10 year old boy 6 year old girl. My husband met this woman at work, they in the communicate via email. Years ago they saw each other outside of work. He insists that it is not a physical thing, says it would be easier to explain if it was. The communication ended years ago and just recently began again. He does not know why he has these feelings so he says. I never thought he would go to counseling but am happy that he agreed. He is afraid and so am I that through counseling maybe we would learn that our marriage is over. If that is what happens I will be devastated but I know I can survive. I really want my marriage to work and I believe he does too. How do we get through this? How does he learn to resolve his feelings and choose?

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The way he resolves his feelings is to end contact for life with the OW. If you follow this program you can recover your marriage like many of us have done. But the first step has to be he that end all contact with the OW. An affair is cause to REPAIR the marriage, not END it.

Is the OW married and does her husband know? Has the affair been exposed to everyone?

jh, your most potent weapon against the affair:

Exposure

No she is not married. I have 2 friends that know and my parents know because through this I need there help not only for me but in caring for the kids when we need to go to counseling. Thank you for your answers. I want to be married to this man forever. I just don't know what to do. I know this will take time and patience and hard work. I know that he has played out all the possible scenarios and he has chose to be here with his family but if he has feeling for someone else how do they go away especially if he does not know why they started in the first place. I am so afraid that he will chose the OW over me and his kids.

LINK

Please read the linked thread.

If your husband is already aware you are posting on MB, print out that thread, and discuss with your husband.

If H is NOT aware you are posting on MB, wait awhile to share this forum with him (after he removes the OW from his life). This forum can be your "secret weapon" if he stays involved with OW.

((( hugs )))

OUr counselor recommended that he write a journal about his feelings. What does the other woman give to him, what do I give to him etc. Our counselor was a former catholic priest so I am sure that divorce is not what he would recommend. We only had our first session. I was told to make a list of reasons that I want to be married. I told the counselor and my husband that the only reason I could find that would be good about divorce is that I would not be hurt by him anymore. I want this to work I wan to have faith in him but I don't want to be made a fool of. He said that he decided no contact and that the OW has said that she would not persue aa relationship with him as long as he is living with me and married. I am juat not sure what to do on a daily basis to get through this. I am a wreck some days. I know that counseling will be hard and we are each going to see the counselor separatly too. I just pray this helps. I want to be here giving people advice someday and saying that we have been married for 50 years!!

MelodyLane is right. He must end contact with the OW FOR LIFE. That is how the feelings go away. He will go through a period of withdrawal, just like an addiction.

The feelings developed because he allowed the OW to meet some of his emotional needs, likely those for admiration and conversation if indeed the affair has not become physical.

A great start would be for you to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Williard F. Harley. You can get the book on this site via the bookstore [link at the top of the page] or at your local bookstore.

Mrs. W

They started because he allowed another woman to meet his needs. And the solution is to end the affair. Once that happens, YOU can learn to meet his needs.

Here is the thing, jh. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy. When they are exposed it is ruinous and either quickly kills the affair or hastens it death. Affairs rarely survive when exposed because it is no fun to carry on when others are watching with disgust. Exposure is ruinous.

Has the affair been exposed to your H's family, your children, the Human Resource department? Have you had a meeting with the OW? What about facebook? We have had many affairs killed from facebook exposures by sending an email to all the OP�s facebook friends. Facebook is very potent because it is a collection of all the OP�s closest family and friends. A facebook exposure would go something like this:


Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

I am confused. Don't they work together? How can there be no contact if they work together?

They do work in the same place. They do not see each other there very often she is only there 2 days a week. They have contacted each other via email. They do not meet for coffe lunch etc. They are in 2 totally different places at work.

I guess I don't

They are still in contact. The affair is still ongoing. Can an alcoholic sober up if he just does not drink "very often?" No, he can't.

The first thing that has to happen is all contact has to end. No method of recovery can work until that happens.

I would recommend that you make sure you know facts first hand.
And to do that, you must spy on H a little.
Put a GPS on his car.

My husband came to me and admitted his feelings. I know that just yesterday he saw her at work in the cafeteria and he says that he went about his buisness and so did she. He told me this. He did not have to. He say that he has not spoken to her or emailed her. I can not prove it but if he is already throwing it all out there even though he knows the truth hurts what does he have to lose by lying now