If this really is what you said, you MUST change this behaviour. This is a LOVE BUSTER for sure. No, you are not going to reveal your sources. You could have said something like "Research." and then give a little wink.

Dishonesty has no place in a M and you are not to allow it in by your own actions. You will have to be able to tell the truth without actually revealing your sources.

Radical honesty is not applicable in situations that involve abuse or infidelity.

Q: Dr. Harley, do you believe that spouses should be transparent and radically honest about their snooping?

A: There are two situations where I don't recommend radical honesty or the POJA: Abuse and infidelity. In the case of infidelity, if one spouse suspects the other, I have gone so far as to encourage hiring a private detective to help investigate, using spyware, keyloggers, putting a gps on the car, and all sorts of other snooping methods. If its found that the spouse is not guilty, I encourage revealing the snooping to the spouse. If found guilty, I encourage keeping spying techniques secret indefinitely.

But in the case where a spouse actually asks a DIRECT question, would that not be a time when you could and should use creative answers? Do we not tell people all of the time on these boards that they should NOT lie to their spouse about exposure, etc.

Dr H states here that the spying techniques should be keep secret not that the BS should LIE when asked a direct question. That was what I had a problem with. I may be a little touchy on this because I am reading love busters and today I got to the part of dishonesty. I read through that section and it is FRESH in my mind.

I didn't encourage in any way that there be any exposing of the spying technique or even that spying was being done, just the MAJOR LB of DISHONESTY should be avoided.

Scotland, a BS should not be HONEST when it means giving up their protection when they are being abused. That is a much greater threat than a potential lovebuster. For example, if my H is beating the crap out of me and i have to FLEE, I don't care if it is a lovebuster to lie to him about my whereabouts. A lovebuster is the LEAST of your problems when a spouse is abusing you.

The PORH and POJA do not apply when it comes to abuse and infidelity.

Well, I am not a vet. That is why I am here to learn. Just thought I had a point. Guess I was wrong. Learning experience for sure.

Well I did it. I EXPOSED her to my mental list of people that I had planned to expose to. It was my family, her family, and friends that my WW and the OM both knew.

I did make the mistake of posting in on Facebook, but I took it down because it was to a much larger audiance than I expected. I guess that was just out of vindictiveness.

I did tell her that I would not tolerate her contact with him anymore. She lasted 3 days then he contacted her. I told her to not say anything, or at least tell him to stop. She just kept a casula conversation right in front of me. I jumped on Facebook, where they were chatting, and told him to F off and leave her alone. Having him contact her is not helping our marriage.

My WW knew I was calling him out and gave me a snide look, then said i had better go **** is gretting mad. Then she logged to go talk to her sister.

Her sister seemd to help her out. My WW twin convinced her that she should delete her Facebook account, but by the time they got off the phone I had exposed to everyone.

She said that was the last straw. My WW wants me out of the house, and she is taking the kids. I stood my ground and stayed in the house, and in my bed last night.

I think my WW's new plan is to move to Colorado to another sisters house, and she wants to take the kids. I am going in today to get a court order to not let those kids across state lines. My WW's mother and twin and other sisters are trying to convince her to leave the kids at their house where they are familiar.

What to do now? Its so shocking that I havent really pulled this together. What do i do?

Great!


Par for the course. Don't sweat it.


Par for the course.


Outstanding! Feel that straightening in your back? That tightness in your pants? You are growing a spine and a pair. Great job!


Stand tall...you did good.


Now you protect the family finances to make sure she doesn't drain the accounts, get an attorney, and try to run off with the kids. If this means opening a new account in your name and moving most of the joint funds to your account, so be it. This includes any IRA's, 401k's or HELOCs she may try to empty out. It happens all the time. Don't tell her you're doing this.

Now you follow through with the attorney to keep the kids in the home, and you stay in the home. She will rant and rail and threaten. Ignore her.

Now you get a couple of digital recorders and record all conversations you have with your WW. She may try to play the "I'm scared of my husband" card and get you kicked out of the house on a bogus DV charge...with these, the man is guilty until proven innocent. Having a recording of any actual altercations will save your bacon. Also put a voice activated recorder in her car so you can listen to her side of any phone conversations she has while she's driving around.

Now you call the Harleys and get professional advice!

FWIW, I think you did the right thing. Her reaction is going to be explosive. Weather the storm and protect yourself and your kids. Be calm. You have injected some reality into her fantasy affair life and that is good. You are trying to destroy that affair and you just did the best thing you could have done.

Hopefully some of your exposure targets will have some luck in convincing your WW to end it and commit to the marriage. Now you need to do the best Plan A you can muster. I know it's hard. You have to show her that you can be the best husband to her and AVOID LBs at all cost.

I'm sure Mel will chime in here soon and she is much better than I.

It looks like it is going straight for plan B. I dont feel im ready for it, but it is happening.

I have planned for this and created an account in my name that all my money goes into, and got things straight with my joint account. I feel like I have planning for her to leave me, but I guess all the evidence is there. Even though i would like for things to work for our marriage. I just dont see it happening.

Thinking of a legal battle makes me sick. I wish she were rational so we can write out what we want to do.

Where am I now? Plan A - if she doenst leave the house? Plan B - if she decides to leave? Plan D - lets hope she is not thinking that?

WS- She is going to make all kinds of drastic threats right now. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I would continue to Plan A whether she leaves the house or not.

Remember, Plan B is for YOU. It is a way of protecting you from the emotional damage of unreciprocated love. When you can't contiinue on, that is when you go to Plan B in order to protect what remaining love you do have in the event that she decides to NC and comitting to the M.

Plan B also gives WW a dose of reality of what life will really be like without you meeting ANY of her ENs.

FWIW, my WW said all the same things in December and we are still living together, although she hasn't ended the A.

Crud. So I attached evidence to the Exposure email exposing intimate details of their affair. I really shouldnt have done that. My WW now went straight to Plan D. Says shes going to replace me with a dog.

A scorned wayward is so cute, aren't they?? Just equate her with a falling down drunk who is furious that you just took the car keys and don't pay her any mind. If she gets too loud, just pat her on the head and tell her you are sure sorry she is so upset. Hope ya feel better tomorrow, dear!

In the meantime, get a little pocket recorder and record every converstation. If she asks you to leave, just tell her thanks, but no thanks, you are not interested. If she tries to leave, tell her you sure hate to see her go! And that she can�t take the kids unless she has a court order. And that you love her dearly and hope she feels better tomorrow!

She has crossed a SERIOUS boundary by carrying on her affair from your home and I would not tolerate this. The next time she does this, I would loudly and firmly ask her to take her affair communications out of your home. If she doesn�t stop, then unplug the router. That is profoundly disrespectful to you and your children and should not be tolerated for 2 seconds. She can take her affair conversations down to the public library.

Ws

Way 2 go man!!!




What helped me after I exposed My WW-

There is a species of gorilla (cant remember what one it is)that when threatened will grab dust/dirt and fling it all over in the air as to make themselves look tough and ferocious.

Thats all they do with it. They will not attack and will run if pushed further.

I visualized that pictured when my WW went on her rants.

Find the visual that works for you.....

Then when she was done (b/c I'm an ice cream freak) I'd ask her if she wanted to drive to DQ and get a cone.

Don;t take on the battle, discuss the exposure divorce or pretty much any other R or A talk for now.

Listen to ML and Pep. They R the best.

You done good.

Nesre

Score! Well done! Dodge her spittle and wait for her to start defogging.

lol...you guys make me laugh.

I went into a new counselor (so i can work on myself) and this one said the same as the last, that we are in a parent child relationship. I guess I'm the parent. I constantly visualize my wife with braces, pimples and her hair in a pony tail stomping her feet saying, "But I love himmmmmm......why wont you let me see himmmmm!"

Anyhow, she sent out a letter telling of how I emotionally bullied her. I do have a problem with letting unresolved feelings build up until I explode for no reason. But any other adult would say, "That was uncalled for"

It seems my wife is crushed by a stupid cutting comment and resents me for it the rest of her life.

Oh to bee a teen for 20 years.

Delayed.

GAH! 33 Hours after I exposed my WW's affair, she is on an airplane to Colorado, and still going to divorce me because of what I did. She tells me:

"You ruined any chance of saving this marriage by telling everyone my intimate details! That was wrong! This should have been handled privatley! Has anyone else even done what you did?! NO! because its wrong! You should stop listening to what they tell you online and at work because it does not help! yeah, ****, its over!"

I say very calmly with a smile on my face, "I didn't do anything wrong, in fact haven't we got lots of help from your family and advice on how to grow together? This is a wonderful experience, and it had to happen. Don't forget that there were three people in this affair, you, the OM, and me. Did you really think I wanted to sit and keep a secret that isn't even mine to keep?"

Has anyone ever had a marriage work out after conversations like this?

Should I just smile and shut up? It looks like I just don't care, or that I am mocking her or something?