Hello all.
It has been a while since I posted in this forum. I have been divorced now since October and since the break down of my marriage which has been a year and a half from today I have been suffering with bad feelings on a daily basis.

Prior to my divorce I attempted suicide and was hospitalized. The loss of everything was just too much for a man to bear. I lost my home, my kids, income, marriage, insurance etc.

I now live in a one bedroom apartment and I get to see my kids a couple of times a week. I was blindsided by my ex wife who now goes to therapy trying t figure out why she did all of this. I too go to therapy. There was no affair more of a mid-life crisis on her part.

Prior to this divorce I had suffered a medical condition which is not life threatening but is being treated but does affect me so my health is a concern as well.

I know that people will say that things get better but I have been suffering for so long. I have tried taking medication, going out with friends, seeking support from family, and trying to enjoy the day to day.

On top of everything else, with this economy my business is very slow so many days go by with me sitting doing virtually nothing. In many ways I don't have the motivation to work anyway.

I have read that it can take years for people to feel better. Let's just say I don't want to suffer anymore. I can't make it stop. People say you can choose to be happy but when you are still tethered to your ex wife and are relegated to being a part-time dad, starting over completely isn't even possible.

So here I sit, suffering, missing my family and I don't see an end to these bad feelings anytime soon. I go to therapy and see friends, but I tend to pretend I am better for their sake but inside I am not. I feel horrible and I cannot see a way to separate myself from these feelings. I have tried to no end.

I don't know what responses I expect to get. I think I just needed to type this out. I'm sure people will tell me to give it time or to toughen up. I just don't have it in me to work at it.

If I didn't have kids it would be easier and yet it is because I have kids I am still here.

If I was suffering from cancer or some other disease people would have no problem understanding the suffering. But since it is emotional and mental, no one seems to understand.

Thanks for reading.

dear Steamcleaned,
I understand how you feel totally, my husband walked out over a year ago now and doesn't bother with me or my kids.
My kids are 17-23, so not young but wonderful men who needed their father.
I believe mine is having some kind of mid-life crisis or mental illness, he changed overnight and is now living with his highschool girlfriend who found him on facebook when she tired of her 2nd husband.
I wake up and go to sleep crying everyday and try my best to get through the rest of it being as strong as possible.
I rarley see friends now, and see no possible romantic life for me ever, while he is starting his life over without me.
I get the kids the house and his money, but I would trade it alll for him to want to be part of our family again.

SC:

I'm glad you are remembering your kids because they are the anchor that is going to keep you grounded. Children deserve to have a father in their lives. They cannot be successful in this life without your influence, so don't go anywhere.

A few times a week? Hey, that's pretty good. There are fathers out there that get completely screwed and have to do with a few days a MONTH. I get mine every other week and its a pretty good gig so far. Far from perfect, of course, but it is what it is.

I'm not going to tell you to toughen up because I know this hurts worse than anything in the world. Too many people on this site know exactly what you are going through. But, everyone will also tell you that it does get better. Our brains are wired to deal with this stuff. We can get over it, but it does indeed take time.

In the meantime, you've got to find what makes you happy. Do you have a church congregation? That's has helped me IMMENSELY. I've also found that working out (going for a jog, lifting weights, etc.) also helps a lot. You need to find what works for you and then when you are feeling lousy do whatever you can to get that pick-me-up.

Best of luck. You will get through this and come out a much stronger man, in the end.

I do go to church and I am ashamed at my lack of faith and trust that things will be ok.

SteamCleaned (and StillBrownEyes), I feel for you. I really do.

My divorce isn't even final yet. But my wife seemed to change overnight, dropped the bomb on me, moved out and has moved on -- with a married man! I guess she figures he'll get a divorce and marry her. And that may come to pass. Who knows?

The utter suddenness of it is stunning, to say the least. One day a happy, sweet, loving wife, the next a stranger who says she hasn't been in love with me for a long time and that the marriage is over.

Out of all this comes the truth of the matter: I can't change anyone else's behavior or thinking. It is what it is. However, I also realize that if I stay stuck rooted in the same spot I am letting someone else have control over me -- over the way I think, act and feel. That's not healthy. No one should allow someone else that much power in their life.

So I have my moments (yesterday, I had about 30 minutes of melancholy just come over me, again wondering how my strong, moral, well-grounded wife turned into an immoral, lying cheater in the blink of an eye). I miss my "old" wife. I do not miss the current one.

To fill the empty days and nights I have begun to explore old interests and examine new ones. I have dusted off my guitars and am starting to play again. I have begun taking cooking classes (you'd be surprised how easy it is to make Thai chicken and coconut soup!). I have started roaming home furnishing and design stores looking for ways to decorate that are uniquely mine, and not reminiscent of "us."

More than anything else, I have faith. So many people both here and IRL tell me, "you're going to be OK. You'll get through this." And I know it's true, because so many others have done it, too.

Mood follows action. So it's important for me to take action to generate endorphins and to keep me from sitting in my own stew. I run (jogging/walking does just as well), I'm looking into joining a 50+ club that meets once a month, there are DivorceCare groups where people can gather to support each other, and I go the the library, plan trips, and generally do things to get myself out of my head and keep busy.

Life is too short. If you're depressed and can't get out of it, see a doctor and get some medication. But the reality (for me, anyway) is that she's not coming back. And even if she does, I will have grown and likely wouldn't take her back anyway.

I think it's one of the marine corp mottoes . . . .

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Emotional pain is horrible, awful stuff, and believing that no one understands just seems to double it. I have felt gut-wrenching emotional pain, and the worst thing someone can tell me is to give it time, or to toughen up. I don't take unsolicited advice like that. But when someone shared with me that above quote about pain, it gave me hope. I hope it does the same for you.

One day at a time, friends . . .

I think Fred is on the right track there. I think you have to get to the point where you can honestly tell yourself that you no longer hope to get your ex back. You just can't leave the door open like that and go forward with your life.

I think what helped me get there is to clearly identify the characteristics of my ex that I just would not accept in a spouse. What would she need to change? What does she need to apologize for, to recognize as an issue in our former marriage? It turns out to be a rather large amount, and far from realistic for me to think things could actually move in that direction. I used to feel guilty for closing the door, but the truth is that it really isn't up to me at this point.

What my ex did, what I did, is the past and there is nothing I can do about that. I have a new life now, and she plays only a small part of it. I've spent time addressing my own issues, developing new friends, and even started dating. My hopes are very much different then they used to be.

I just don't see how one can go "forward" with kids in the mix and still having a psuedo relationship with their X. I'm not interested in going out and finding another wife nor do I want to allow another human being to have the type of control to put me in the position I am now.

First off, you need to terminate that "pseudo relationship" with your ex. I realize you still need to interact with her because of the kids, and that does complicate things but it doesn't mean you have to maintain a relationship with her. She is not your friend. That doesn't mean you can't be civil with her, but don't attempt to be friends.

One way to accomplish this is to think of it as a business relationship, where the business is raising your children. In other business relationships, you make appointments to meet and stick to agendas etc. You do the job, then you go home. It may sound impossible to assume this level of detachment when your kids are involved, but if you think about it - you already do this all the time! How often do you think about your childrens' doctors or dentists outside of appointments? Same with teachers, piano instructors and soccer coaches! You likely don't socialize with them and it's possible you don't even know their basic vital statistics (# of kids etc.). You know WHEN the dentist is on vacation because you can't get an appointment, but you may not know where he went and he certainly didn't consult with you on this ahead of time. They are not your friends, either, but neither are they your enemies. And they also have your childrens' best interest in mind when it comes to their teeth, health, education, etc.

You need to transition your "relationship" with your ex so that it mimics your relationship to these other important people in your childrens lives. Actively working on this process can actually help you feel more in control of your life. Take the power away from your ex. Make your life about you, and her part is similar to the part those other people play - important to your children but not relevent to you.

SteamCleaned,

So sorry to hear you are suffering so much. I think what everyone is trying to express in their post is that we understand what you are feeling and that we know how it feels to feel like the pain isn't fading fast enough, but it will.

I divorced my spouse due to his continual addiction issues and mental issues. He never wanted to make the changes necessary to keep our family together. I think I still held on to a little bit of hope that post divorce he would finally realize he needed help and man up. So though my divorce has been final since july I still think about the what could haves.

My ex is involved in a relationship now and I heard a rumor that she is having his baby. He hasn't paid a dime in child support and calls our kids rarely now and sees them when he has 5 minutes to stop by. It feels like here I am hurting over our divorce and he has just found a replacement for me and now possibly a replacement for his 2 children. It hurts terribly, but I know in time it will lessen.

Getting to the point where you give up that emotional image of who you thought your ex was takes time. I am not quite there yet but I feel myself starting to get stronger. My children and supporting them are my priority. So I try to spend less and less time worrying about what my ex is doing. He wasn't the person I thought he was and he wasn't the person I loved. That person never existed. It helps me to view it that way.

Hang in there. Keep posting. I may not have the magic words to tell you, that will heal your pain. But maybe knowing that you are not alone. That others have felt that pain or are still feeling it, and others are past it and moving on with their lives will help a little.

SC, people who have been where you are get it, and they sympathize. However, sympathy and 99 cents will get you a cup of coffee.

Plus, there are plenty of people out there who just don't get it. They haven't had their world rocked from one end to another yet.

I can't tell you how to fix it. I can tell you all this will change you, and how it changes you is in your control. I read a book call "The Survivor's Club." It investigates what traits survivors of extreme circumstances share in common. The first and most important trait in surviving is faith. So, spend some time reinforcing your faith. If you don't have much faith, build your spiritual self.

One thing that has helped me immensely is counting my blessings whenever I start feeling sorry for myself. There are days when my blessings run through my mind like a litany. Did counting my blessing make the pain go away? Nope. Not a bit. But, it did help put my mind in a place where I could function just a bit better and where I didn't slide into depression, a disease I'm prone to.

Also keep in mind that you've only been crawling up out of the whole for little over a year now. That's not very long. Have realistic expectations. Celebrate small victories. What you're doing is not easy, but there is light at the end. You just can't see it yet.

Thank you for all of your input.