I'm a WS who needs help trying to meet my husband(Elcamino72) Open, honesty and intimate conversation #1 EN's. I had an affair for a year and a half with my husband business partner who happened to be one of my previous boyfriends(no one new about this previous relationship).

I've always been a very private and independent person. I don't know how to be open and honest, or how to start and intimate conversation w/ my husband. I'm not sure what is he expecting! I ask him what does he really need, but he is not clear, and I'm desperate. I really want to learn how to meet his needs.

I don't like to hurt people feelings, so I guess that's in part why I'm not honest. I've always played nice, and try at all costs to avoid confrontation. My family avoided confrontation too, and I don't tell people, not even family and friends about my feelings. It's really very hard for me to express them. I understand my husband need' and I really would like to meet it, but I just don't know what to do!!!

I would really appreciate if anyone can give me advice,

Your inability to share your feelings sounds exactly like me. My family would share their feelings, but usually everyone sharing them at me in a negative way and so my way of dealing with this was to shut down. It is not comfortable at first sharing, but when you start, you might feel really good and have a hard stopping sharing.

Don't worry about feeling weird when you share!!! It gets more natural the more you do it. It is you H for goodness sake. You wouldn't think it would be that hard, but it is.

Try writing out what you want to say and then read it to him.

Hi Rizos! I am not sure how your spouse wants this need met, but here is a description from this website:



Honesty and Openness

Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. But some people have a need for honesty and openness -- it gives them a sense of security and helps them become emotionally bonded to the one who meets that need.

Those with a need for honesty and openness want accurate information about their spouses' thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. If their spouse does not provide honest and open communication, trust is undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. They cannot trust the signals that are being sent and feel they have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting, they feel off balance; instead of growing together, they feel as if they are growing apart.

Honesty and openness helps build compatibility in marriage. When you and your spouse openly reveal the facts of your past, your present activities, and your plans for the future, you are able to make intelligent decisions that take each other's feelings into account. And that's how you create compatibility -- by making decisions that work well for both of you simultaneously.

But aside from the practical considerations of honesty and openness, those with this need feel happy and fulfilled when their spouses reveal their most private thoughts to them, and feel very frustrated when they are hidden. That reaction is evidence of an emotional need, and if that is the way you feel, include honesty and openness as one of your most important emotional needs.

p.s. I suspect he needs you to be OPEN about your feelings. When you are closed off, he wonders what you are thinking. Is that what he wants?

I am assuming you have already answered all his questions about the affair?

I can do the silly talk, and speak about almost any topic, but I just don't know what does he wants. I asked him a few weeks ago if I was meeting his needs, and he said I wasn't meeting the open and honesty one.

The problem is that I don't know how to bring new subjects, because he's not giving me any hint on what he's expecting. I mean, I used to get upset w/him and not tell him how I felt. Now, I try to tell him right away. It's just a very tense atmosphere right now, because I'm feeling the pressure! I did tell him that today, but I'm not sure what to expect. He doesn't bring the subject because I'm the one responsible to meet his needs.

Thanks for your help, I'll try to speak my mind(without offending him), and see how it works...

But HE is responsible for telling you HOW to meet that need. You can't meet his need in the way he wants if he doesn't tell you. Openness and honesty cuts BOTH WAYS. Ask him to tell you how to meet that need.

I've told him everything about the affair. I know he cares a lot about me and that he wants to be w/ me, I think he's not sure if I love him.

The last time he got upset, he said he didn't feel connected, and that he needed to protect himself. I've got upset myself (my bad), because we were doing great. We were doing the MB lessons, hanging out, etc, and he seemed happy. All of a sudden, he gets distant and said he didn't feel connected, and that I wasn't meeting his needs! And I thought he was doing great. I mean, I know there's still a long way, but I thought we were on the right track. I'm desperate!!!

I'll write down what I feel, that's a good one. And I'll tell him about my whereabouts, etc. I'll let you know, thanks for the help...

Rizos, he may have been hit with a wave of grief. When he acts like that, hug him and tell him how sorry you are and give him a HUG. The grief is sometimes overwhelming but you can help him with that.