My wife(29) and I(36) have been married for 8 years. We are currently seperated, her decision, but have a pretty good friendship going, and communicate pretty good. She is unsure that she will be able to trust that I will not emotionally hurt her again or be neglectful in the future as I was in the past. This trust is what is keeping us apart. So she says. We have been seperated for almost five months. We communicate in some form everyday. We see each other almost everyday for an average of two hours and have great conversation when together. My problem is that she has spent money behind my back for the last 6 years, credit I did not know we had, drained savings accounts, even money taken from business accounts. She was the one who handled our money matters and created a mess a few times. Over the years to the tune of about 125,000.00. Up until the last year I was the only one working. Yes I was emotionally neglectful, and a real [censored] at times. She will not admit she has some sort of problem with money. We are split because she is unsure that I will not return to my oldways, I have been to counseling and have read almost everything I can get my hands on to become a better husband. I can not guarantee that I will not fail, but I am pretty confident that I now know what I have to lose and will not allow it to happen. Besides the financial items, she is a good honest women and a great mother. She will not for some reason admit she has a problem and will not see that she has broken my trust everytime she has committed these acts behind my back. She doesn't trust me? How do I get her to tear down the wall she has built and have a serious discussion on this financial destructive behavior, that as I look back probably prompted much of my bad additude that she can't trust that it won't return.

Are you divorcing?

I do not know. I would like to attempt to work things out, but she is unsure what she wants to do.

Hi, Scott. My first husband committed financial infidelity. I know how painful it can be, and there are many reminders of the harm it does. She was leading a secret life as much as an WS is.

I don't know if you'll be able to convince her she betrayed you. I wouldn't start there. I would start with "How things are going to be in the future."

I like Dave Ramsey's approach. At the end of every month, you BOTH sit down and write up the next month's budget to the penny. You'd have to practice POJA as you decide what to pay and what to do with disposable income. BUT, you will get to know your spouse deeply. People put their money into their priorities. So, writing up a shared budget that you both agree to means that you both agree to the priorities. Apparantly, it takes a long time the first few months you do it, but after that, it rolls along. Emphasize that she gets an equal vote in the matter. She can have money to blow. If she doesn't like it after 3 or 6 months, you all can change to something else.

If you wife isn't willing to do this or something like it where you two are partners, it's probably not financially safe for you to remain legally responsible for her bills.

If she's willing to have full disclosure and follow a budget you both agreed to, then in time, she'll probably come to see her past behavior as a betrayal.

The cool thing about the budget is you can start now even though you are living separately.

Oh, and make sure you both sign the budget each month.

Watch out with that. Can you really blame your actions on what she did? Is that fair? Can she claim that she was unwise with money because you weren't the best husband to her? Finding blane isn't going to fix anything.



















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