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Whew. lll, I haven't posted to you before, just lurked. Finished the thread just now.
Others have written to you, things like not all marriages must be saved, and recovery doesn't necessarily mean recovering the marriage, but recovering yourself.
You did great! Your husband is an idiot. He really affaired down.
Belle, Domestic Goddess
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Just got caught up on your thread, LLL.
That was SPECTACULAR that WH got served in his class, and that OW was named in the papers. Suh-weet!
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I have to say the idea of H being with OW for having a child is far fetched to me. H is 57 (almost 58) and OW is 46. I can't see him wanting to be tied down to a traditional home life of wife and child, but I guess stranger things have happened. She's a bit "long in the tooth" to be having children.
This is another part of this whole thing. OW is no prize....she's got a past of buzzing through men, two H's I know of and some unsavory financial battles with ex's and also history of bad credit, non-payment of bills, etc. And yet, she's got some brain cells if she's finishing a doc program and holding jobs. However, she could be interested in H's money....
Most likely its money, seems like the gold-digger type...
She's no beauty....sort of sloppy dress and unkempt hair. At 7 years older than her, people who've seen her think I look much younger. I work hard to stay fit, love clothes and SHOES, and spend time to be well groomed and up with current styles. It certainly is not her appearance he must be attracted to. I'm surprised...he always seemed proud that I looked good and always complimented me on my clothes, hair, etc. I guess love is blind.
You have read about "affairing down", The Waywards who act like that allways tend to hook up with someone who they used to see as losers. IDK what his problem is but something is blind anyways
Forgot....yesterday the YUK factor of being almost a divorcee hit me in the face. At work, one of the clients I see pretty often is a guy in I'd guess his mid 40's..... I guess word must be out I'm separated from H and I'm not wearing a wedding band....anyhow, he asked me if I'd like to have drinks and dinner some time. I thanked him and said I've only been apart from H less than 2 months and am not ready to see other men. I handled it tactfully since he's a client I will continue to see professionally....BUT REALLY???? Is this to be expected at this point?
Yeah, there are desparate men out there, Some sleazy and some just stupid. For him to approach you knowing you have just separated makes me wonder how considerate he is. Also what kind of woman does he think you are? Iv'e met all kinds and seen women fall for them and /or use them so I'm not surprized. Yes if you are successful and attractive you can expect attention. That will never change.
Somesortedout: I am SO glad I have my career right now. It's the stability in my life, it gives me a sense of being in control and being competent, because I certainly am a befuddled person when it comes to understanding what happened so fast to a 29 year relationship.
I guess if anything I was trying to help you to know what happened. It really stinks to be trashed like that. A lot of us here have made sacrifces for someone unwisly,(I am one), only to get the shaft later but over time we eventually come to the ugly truth, our expectaions let us down. This guy is a professor but how smart is he? Did he think because you are a woman who is in control of herself that you didn't hurt? How could he consider leaving you around the time you lost your mom? Was he ever an alpha male who protected his wife? You don't have to be dragging your knuckles to take on the role of protector and most of the real men I know are happy when their wives reach thier goals.
I have to tell you, the man I describe now is not the H I knew most of our marriage. We were passionately in love when we married....couldn't stand to be apart. I had not planned on getting married at age 24....had wanted to finish all my education before marrying. He was in his last year of Ph.D. program but we wanted to be married. For all the years of our marriage we had a close, intimate relationship until a few months ago. I think the perfect storm must have hit my H: me being pulled away to oversee my mom's care; H having close working relationship with OW; H being "at that age" of mid-life crisis.
I think that atena hit the nail on the head but jeez...So what do you think will happen now as far as romantic relationships in the future? You seem to have all your ducks in a row as far as living a responsible and successful life. You don't need a relationship with another guy I know but what would be the criteria? Heck you were with a colledge proffesor with financial security and he showed no signs of being anything but in love with you. It would be extremly hard for me if I was in your shoes..SHOES... ,(sorry weak attempt at levity). But seriuosly what would the list look like? Ok guy needs to be...Smart...no no I tried that..
I figure you are not going to spend every waking moment searching for another guy.. that would be so weak anyways. I am not looking either but I might decide later on, like in 6 years, after I have much more important fish fried and my ducks in a row, to spend seriuos time with a woman. My picker is in seriuos need of examination though and i don't trust any of my instints. Its the gaslight BS that I was sold,(and i bought), that is/was the most painful as I sort it out. It would have been so much more kinder for my WW to just say, "Hey, I thought you were gonna eventually wanna party like a rock star and now that you are sick I am gonna dump you for (coke-head) because he is despartate and I checked him out, hes got money" But she couldn't be that honest and she never appoligized either when we brought her home from the streets until the day she died.
So I guess it doesn't matter how Smart someone seems to be or even is, They still can be sociopaths if they really really work hard to not respect you and they learn the lies you want to hear. This is what scares me about future relationships after I get myself patched up. There is something about seven years. Every seven years we undergo a complete cell change in our physical body. Its also the length of time of mourning observed in some religions. It seems about right to me for my time of reflection and clarification of past life issues which I admit mostly revolve around my wife and family. I want to galvanize my resolve to live the best life and have a winning attitude. Then I want to take care of my Mom and Dad as they are getting up there and be a source of strength for my children. I have a list of prioritys. Health, social responsibility and family, then whatever comes after that will be gravy. Seven years should be enough time. I will continue to seek to help here in this forum as it helps me also. I know that others have had it worse and time rolls on. I appreciate what good times I have had and the chance to fight for them. But I am still figuring out what happened to me and how I let life change my convictions and destroy my self image. This is what I need to do first so hence my questions to you. I think I will start a thread. "I got a broken picker!!" 
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Just stopping in to catch up....very busy week. I'm OK. Really OK. I'm accepting this as the way life is and trying to just cling to the parts of my life that are great: friends, dogs, my home, my work, my health. It's all good.
H has apparently retained an attorney and will be responding to being served. H's attorney contacted my attorney and informed him of such. My attorney is known as a bulldog but what a sweet man. He is great to me and seems to care how I'm getting along. He also thinks unless my H's really gone off the deep end he will want to negotiate a settlement without fighting it out in court. Especially since I named OW as correspondent. I hope that's correct. I'd like to just get on with life and get this behind me.
I have heard from the gal in my H's office who knew what was going on and didn't tell me that the department is buzzing and OW hasn't been around as much as usual being Miss Overly-Friendly. Maybe she's upset about campus rag article and my naming her in filing. Gal from office says H is acting like nothing's wrong, like he has no idea anything is different than it used to be. That would be like him.....if you don't acknowledge something, it hasn't happened.....Ha. What a way to live.....I wonder if it will catch up with him eventually?
As for what qualifications for men I have in the future Some....well, not even thinking of men. Certainly have no rage to ever think of marriage again. Some companionship eventually sure....but I don't have any desire right now to complicate my life in any way.
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Awesome LLL. Yeah it will catch up to him. Its so refreshing to see someone take care of themselves instaed of blaming themselves when this crap happens to them.
You are a blessing to the board.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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That would be like him.....if you don't acknowledge something, it hasn't happened.....Ha. What a way to live.....I wonder if it will catch up with him eventually? At church recently the pastor spoke about moral sin. He explained the harm is what the person (commiting the sin) doesn't see. Your husband doesn't see the hurt he caused you. He doesn't see the reality of the situation. He doesn't see the past or future. He doesn't see what he's lost or could have gained. It's all the things he doesn't see that will eventaully come back to him when his A crashes and it will. Every remorseful wayward that has come here always writes about what they didn't see. Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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There are none so blind as those who will not see?
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That would be like him.....if you don't acknowledge something, it hasn't happened.....Ha. What a way to live.....I wonder if it will catch up with him eventually? Read, Compensation from Essays: First Series (1841) by Ralph Waldo Emerson According to him, it will catch up. It is incredible our similar our H are acting! Blessing
atena
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.if you don't acknowledge something, it hasn't happened....
It is incredible our similar our H are acting!
Add my H to the list plus if its not happening to him it doesn't exist.
Last edited by myopia; 03/04/10 08:50 PM.
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Well, I've been doing well until today. H called me at work. I haven't heard from him in so long, I don't even worry about just answering my office phone. Never dreamed he would call.
New development and I'm stunned and sitting here thinking NOW WHAT?????
H called and said he needed to tell me something.....He went for a routine cardio scan because his doctor said he should have one since he's only had routine check ups and EKG's before. H was not concerned but when test result were given, he was told he has major blockages in 3 arteries leading to his heart. He was told this is serious....finding this before a heart attack has perhaps saved his life. He is headed to cardiologist to find out what next. He wanted me to know as I still (I forgot this and so did he)have his medical power of attorney if he's not capable of making decisions for himself. He wanted me to know what's going on in case something happened to him before we can get paperwork changed????? I asked him if he needed me to do anything. He said: Why would you want to? I told him I do not wish him ill and hope things go well for him. He said: Thank you.
So, now what do I do? He said nothing about us other than the paperwork needing to be changed. I guess I wait to be told I'm no longer his medical POA. Guess maybe I should call me attorney and let him know about this....
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Interesting development, indeed!
You don't have to do SQUAT.
I would not even call the attorney.
Go play with the dogs.
Do some "cardio" exercises. 
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I guess I'm just shocked as he's always had great health and taken care of himself. Not overweight, eats well, exercises.....
I know he's not my responsibility anymore. Wonder if OW will be there for him to help if he has to have surgery or something? He has no extended family. OW is "it"......
He may have just "made his sick bed" in the wrong place. Guess we'll see how in love she really is......
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I'm with Pep, Lady. WH has forfeited his right to your care and concern. you were kind which was more than he deserves right now. Have a glass of wine.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Thanks....think I will open a bottle of good wine and wait for my friend to arrive for what's getting to be our routine Friday night pizza and tv. And I will pet the dogs.......they're better than xanax.
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And I will pet the dogs.......they're better than xanax.
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I guess I'm just shocked as he's always had great health and taken care of himself. Not overweight, eats well, exercises.....
WH is under tremendous stress.
Stress wrecks all sorts of hell on the body.
God is "touching" WH's circumstances.
Just stand back, out of the way.
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I have a glass in my hand, a pizza in the oven and a cat on my feet. You will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight. You are indeed a lady.
God's blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Ahhhhh. I had to smile when I read this one. Real life intrudes into fantasyland.
My H had a colonoscopy yesterday. As he came out of the sedation, he said to me, "You take such good care of me". Then he said, "Do you want to jump into the hospital bed with me and fool around?". The nurse said she would close the curtains.
Dog slobber cures everything.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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AM- I LOVE IT. Dog slobber is the best cure for sad feelings. I am itching to get us a new puppy. As soon as the snow melts, we will start looking. We had to put our dog to sleep on May 23, 2008(also the day of my grandma's funeral, FUN TIMES). She was a lab mix. When DS9 was 1.5 years old, she had puppies. There were 15. Yes I said FIFTEEN. That was "FUN" for me. We gave them away for free. One of them lives with my BIL. I call him(the puppy) my grandson. The kids can't wait to get a puppy. WH din't want to deal with a puppy, so I figured it is as good a time as any.  Sorry for the t/j but all this talk about dogs has me missing have one with me. LLL isn't it interesting that your WH called YOU to tell you about his heart problems? You did GREAT.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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