If you talk to OM or OM's Wife about this...

Can't he call in sick? He's got sick days and the institution has to have someone who is to cover his obligations when he is sick.

He may need to go to a doctor or something so he can obtain documentation (especially since the principal will likely know he's faking so he'll need to go to make it legit) but that's a small price to pay for his wife's (and your) sanity and assurance.

However you get this done...get it done. Even if you have to bring in some outside musician or something. You have an opportunity to look strong, protective and decisive to your wife who also appears to want OM out of this event.

Mr. Wondering

Have you not voiced your concern to the principal? The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and if you are going to raise a firestorm if he shows up, guess what - OM will magically be granted an absence from the proceedings. Tell the principal that POS is not going to ruin your daughters confirmation.

The more you complain about OM and WW, the more likely the principal will get rid of one or the other.

Personally, who is this principal, and why are they allowed to ignore an affair at a Catholic school? I went to a Catholic grade school and when the band instructor remarried to a student's mom (keep in mind this man was already divorced when he started teaching at our school), he was given the boot by our pastor. I can't believe a pastor would allow this to happen. Have you taken your complaint up the chain? If this is a Catholic school, certainly there has to be some priest affiliated with it. Take it to your archdiocese if you have to. What about the board? Surely there is a schoolboard made up of parents that wouldn't want their children taught by an adulterer. You give up too easily. Show some determination.

He can not call in sick. He already tried to back out and the principal told him he would be fired if he did. The school choir has been a mess since the choir instructor left and he is the only one that can salvage the choir for some semblance of decent music at the confirmation. While the principal cares about our issues she rightly will not allow it to affect her school and ability to to ensure the confirmation goes well for the 100 other students. If he calls sick he is done. He will not do it. The principal is in the right on this. My W helped create this situation and quite honestly it is not the principals responsibility to accomodate and adulterous staff at the risk of not making confirmation better for the rest of the 100 people. I'm going to be honest. We will have to suck this up. I can't find a replacement. He knows the music, he is a professionally, trained concert flutist for many symphony's and that would be very difficult to repalce and actually have the principal be on board. She will not do it. I can only get my emotional Sh*t in gear on that day and be as upbeat as possible so that my wife can feed off of my positive energy as much as possible. These are the consequences of her affair. I will do everything in my power to focus on my DD and the joys of confirmation and not let this affect the moment. If I do, it will have more long term affects. My W says she is going to tell me everything going on at the school tonight. (I guess I will find out about the principals visit by OM). She says she wants to tell me. We'll see. Sure enough I will let you all know.

I will say though. This gives me more reason to move back in the house sooner rather than later. Giving her something to work on (e.g. the marriage and rebuilding a family she helped destroy) may be the right thing right now.

Well,then. You've answered your own question, FP. Be strong and dignified.

What if WW were to stay home and miss the confirmation?
A price she pays for her adultery.

That would be better than having to delay your daughter's confirmation for a year.

She's still super foggy though. She probably won't go for missing her own daughter's confirmation. It's a very important deal. Ah, adultery. The gift that just keeps on giving.

Agree with Jim


Basically you've got an opportunity here to further expose and/or re-expose the affair and adultery and take this further up the chain at the school/parish with your wife's consent.

Stand up FOR HER and your family.

Be strong and a LEADER of your family.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - moving back home will follow this nicely. She said she wants to discuss the recent happenings at school with you tonight. Such events (some of which you know about already) will assist you justifying moving back home. NOT that you NEED justification, but again it helps to have arguments to offset her anger. I presume part of the reason you moved out was to give her space with the presumption that things would better between you two. You were likely even led to believe that your chances of reconciliation were better IF YOU MOVED OUT. Well the continued and recent contact you find out about tonight proves that theory wrong. She lied to get you out and had no intention of reconciling or giving you any chance whatsoever...she just wanted OM period. Now that the "affair" is over...the need for space is over and you refuse to be quartered away in some apartment any longer when it was a lie that talked you into moving out in the first place. You are essentially turning this around on her.

HOWEVER...DON'T TIP YOUR HAND. You move home unannounced otherwise she's likely to file on you before your key hits the door and you'll be stuck "agreeing" to not move home until she say's it's OK...which, most likely, means NEVER. You CAN'T NEGOTIATE MOVING BACK HOME WITH A TERRORIST.

Sympathize w/ your WW about having to endure seeing him everyday. Tell her you understand how tough it is having to face this crap every day.

You've been too focused on getting her to face reality...the truth. Forget that. Listen to her and pour on the sympathy.

Once she sees you are in her corner, she will open up to you more and more. There by filling her LB. Eventually, she will begin asking herself if she isn't hurting hereslf by not moving to another school.

If you must endure OM being at your child's confirmation, than text OM, and tell him as soon as he's finished his last piece, he is to leave. Also, try to pick a seat as far away from OM as you can. If your WW will allow it, put your arm around her, in a protective way. Let her know you care that she is suffering.

No discussion last night. I couldn't make it over. We are discussing it tonight. I do have a stupid question I want to ask everyone mostly out of curiosity. Here it is. When discussing the OM with the W what names do you use to refer to him/her. I have run the gambit between "your soulmate" (she didn't like that) to "cake eater" "affair partner" to simply "him". I'm just curious what you call the OM when having a discussion with your spouse.

On a seperate note. I'm getting closer in my resolve to move back in. I'm going to call one of the Harley's beore I do to come up with a plan.

Use his first name. No adjectives or disrespectful judgments.

I agree with Fred. I simply use his first name, even though it leaves a horrible taste in my mouth.

I only referred to OM as s**thead. I refused to call him by name. Now, that may not be the preferred MB method, but that's just how I rolled.

Yep I like s***head as well.

OK I am 95% sure I am going to do the move back in. I scheduled an appointment with J harley on Sunday night to discuss. I spoke to my brother and he loves the idea as well. Now I need a plan. I plan on doing it either next Friday or the Friday after. I will not wait for two months like I originally planned. You all and my brother convinced me not to wait. The time is now. I am going to Plan A the heck out of her for the next week or two. I am going to tell her I am not renewing my lease because of my job situation and I am moving in. I will send her an e-mail Friday morning at work and move my stuff in all that day. Wow I think I might actually have the B*lls to do this. It's beginning to make sense to me. I need to anticipate her reaction so I can deal with it. I need to really prep for this. Any advice is surely appreciated. I will reread this thread for tips. Thank you all.

Have you read Jonpen's thread? When he came here he was not living at home. He got a lot of advice and moved back in to his home.

As far as what to call AP, I also used her first name. ALthough, I Apparently used to roll my eyes and cringe when I said it. I used her full first name. It also happens to be the same first name as my bestfriend(the universe is cruel to me sometimes). My WH used a short form of POSOW'S name but I refused when I talked about her.

I'm not sure I like the email idea. It's your house, you have a right to live there. I'd just move, I think. She's going to be pissed regardless, because your presence will cramp her style.

If you feel you MUST send the email, get a bunch of your stuff moved and then send the email when you're mostly done. That way she can't leave work (or wherever she is) and go home and try to prevent you from moving in.

Be sure to have a voice activated recorder on you. If she DOES go insane, you want to be able to counter any charges of domestic violence. Do not underestimate the likelihood of this happening. Be prepared.

Great...

Reread the thread and take some notes...you are kind of creating a list of talking points. As I mentioned above, you really don't have to defend yourself moving back into your own home; however, I fully anticipate an array of manipulation tactics being thrown at you which you will need to play defense with what amounts to bullcrap misdirections. You don't want to lovebust her WHILE moving home so you are going to have to fight it out, remain calm and focus on the war, not the skirmish.

As far as an email to her OR discussion about not renewing the lease....NO, NO, NO...

NO WARNING OR HINTS AFOREFRONT.

I'm telling you now...you will screw this up if you give her any advance notice (even 1 hour) because she'll say "no" and you'll be stuck either bold-in-your-face defying her OR acquiescing and not moving in.

Look at it this way...maybe she will say "yes" move back home (I know this is your "hope" but "hope" doesn't win battles)...if that's the case, then great she won't be that mad when you do it. But if she says "no"...you are screwed. Not that you can't do it anyway but she'll have more time to prepare mentally, brush up on her arguments and manipulations and perhaps with the help of family, friends and lawyers figure out a way to keep you out permenantly.

Do not send her an email friday morning so she can think, stew and strategize all day. Move in...then maybe the plan is to have dinner ready and the whole family at the table when she walks in. SHE'S the misbehaving adulterer her...YOU are the good guy doing the right thing. You can't control her reaction at all...only yours and moving home is the RIGHT THING TO DO. You don't really have to announce yourself or get consent to move into your own home. You certainly don't need her permission. Just do it and really so what if it puts her in the hot seat. She should walk in shocked (but unprepared) and go from there. YOU will be fully prepared and much more likely to "win" the skirmish that ensues since you've given the wayward no time to prepare. Surprise attacks are much more succesful and typically involve a lot less risk of losing life to the aggressors.

In addition, without preparation, she could go nuts. It's possible. If she calls the cops and makes false accusations, even if you end up divorced, you'll be in a better position to fight for a better custody agreement. IF divorce is in your future...you WANT your then STBXW to mess up and hurt her case against you. Don't let her be calm, calculated and prepared for this.

Mr. Wondering

I know you've been counselling with Jennifer Chalmers, Dr. Harley's daughter, but I thought you may like to see what Steve Harley told [counselled] another poster to say to his uncommitted maybe withdrawing wayward wife just this morning. I think I mentioned this above once but this post expresses the "what's the ideal outcome" question a little more clearly. I guesss you'll be suggesting or asking your wife to talk/counsel with Jennifer [not steve...though Steve is really good at talking to wayward wives and even Jennifer may want Steve to handle such as the woman/woman dynamic of having Jennifer (a woman) speak to your wife (another woman) may not be something they do [I have no idea - ask Jennifer].

I suggest you add this to your list of talking points and underline it a few times.

Here's what Steve told Patriot:




That being said, I want you to realize that right now your wife does not in any way believe she can EVER love you again so you are apt to meet a lot of resistance to this suggestion. Thus, I don't think it should be pushed to hard on the night you move home. Since she doesn't see "loving you" as possible she will focus on arguing against such possibility and it's a impossible argument to "win". You just want to move in and stay without much grief even if she just thinks you are OK with a lifelong loveless marriage, ya know, for the kids and all. Agruing against how she thinks she feels is difficult and you can't teach her (especially on move in night). Pushing this "possibility of love...best outcome scenario", IMO will be better emphasized shortly after you have established residency without hostility:

Mr. Wondering

Before you can expect your W to accept your right to move back into your house, you've got to accept it yourself.

There is NO reason you shouldn't be living w/ your W and children in your home. None. You have done nothing wrong.

Her needing "space" is not a good reason for YOU to move out. Neither is HER belief that you will "push her away" if you move home. That may be HER belief, but it isn't YOURS. If SHE needs "space" SHE should be the one to go. THAT is reasonable.

Since your goal is to recover your M, moving in IS the reasonable thing to do. Keeping a distance from your W and family is UNREASONABLE.

You need to find your calm assertive mindset and stay there no matter what her reaction is.

And also, plan on moving back into YOUR bed. You move straight back into your bedroom. If she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed w/ you, then she must find another place to sleep.

You can tell her, "I was WRONG to move out to begin w/. I know that now. And am correcting my mistake. I'm where I belong, w/ my W and family."

Thank you all! Tonight has been a BAD night. I am emotionally overwhelmed right now. I went to the house to speak to the W. She started talking and I listened. She kept getting deeper into the details of the affair and some of the things just floored me. I couldn't contain myself any longer and had a mini blow up. She spent multiple nights at his place when the OM's W was out of town. She told me so much and it just reminded me of all the times she lied to me. This has emotionally set me back right now. Moving back in the house? Why? For the first time I can't envision having sex with her. I hope these "feelings" will go away, but wow right now I have just lost all desire to move back in. She opened up enormously. She is definately defogging and saying things like the affair was fake. It was all fake. She started calling herself a whore and slut. She is finally admitting he was lying.

I told her that I used to have a keylogger and she started getting uspset but I told her it was irrelevent in light of her committing adultery and did not back down an inch. I unfortunately gave her a couple of "speeches" but F it. I had to get it out. I had been listening to her affair talk for 45 minutes and it was beginning to hurt horribly.

She also told me that she put all their e-mails in an envelope on the OM W's car because she felt he got off too easily when I exposed the affair. (I did not get into details with the OM's W. Just highlights). Talk about a scorned lover.

She is definately defogging but has more to go. This just really set me back emotionally. I just don't know where to go from here. I really need support. What a horrible night and tomorrow with the confirmation it isn't going to get any better. How does one get past all this. I am really set back.

I'm sorry for your pain tonight, FP.

She's moving towards you now.

Many are praying for you.