This is so out of character for me, I can't stand thinking about it. Worse, I'm devastated about how I could have caused this hurt and pain into my and the OW's family's lives. I am not a cheater, and the idea of it ever happening again makes me sick! This is what happened...

After a fling/encounter/whatever you call it (with a friend) had ended, the OW's husband found out about it. He's crushed and can't get over it. The situation is a few months old, but it�s not getting better. In fact, he is getting more aggressive and lashing out at me through e-mails. They have a young family and she has remorse, but their lives are stressed and he can�t seem to get it together. I want to know if these reactions are normal as I am sure that there are similar stages to this like there are for grieving, etc. I certainly deserve his wrath, and while painful, can take it if that�s all that�s to it..

Recently he made some threats that make me worry about his, hers, and my own safety. A short time afterwards, he called me up to tell me to �disregard the threats, he gets angry, lashes out, and doesn�t know what else to do. His life is a mess and he needs to put it together�. I feel horrible and would do just about anything to take back my actions. I feel for him. However, the next day, the e-mails began again. No threats this time, just distasteful reminders of what I and his wife experienced.

I worry that this is unfolding like something you read in the paper or hear about in the news. How seriously do I take his threats, are they normal? How long does it generally take for recovery?

The other issue is that my wife doesn�t know that this has happened. The husband wants me to tell her because he thinks she deserves to know as well as out of vengeance. So that I get a taste of what I caused in his house. Some threats are that he will tell her. I want to tell my wife, but I don�t know how. Also, some professional people say don�t tell her. That cleansing my soul is not a reason to harm hers. I�m confident that at some point, I will tell her. He has since retracted that he will tell her.

I love my wife. She does not deserve this. I will live out my days making this up to her and cherishing her. We have ups and downs, but nothing deserving of this horror story.

The fling happened as part of an ongoing friendship. Things got weird, I stopped working out at a health club that I saw the OW at as I was uncomfortable. The OW e-mailed me continually and we continued talking via e-mail. Things started getting sexual via email, on e-mail it was distant so I thought (wrong!) harmless. A series of events, dares, whatevers led to a few encounters. She was very aggressive and I could have said no. I stopped it as fast as it started. She was miffed. Then a few months later he found out. That brings us here.

I need advise across the board. I go to bed and wake up with this on my mind. It haunts me. He haunts me. Not for his threats for what I�ve done�. I�m afraid of hurting my wife. I think we will survive, but the thought of her hearing this kills me. I know�why didn�t I think of that before? All I can say, that it was a brief perfect storm that I deeply regret and that I will spend the rest of my like praying for forgiveness not only from myself, but the OW, her husband, my wife and God�.

I will make this short and let other tell you what you need to do in the long run. In the short run you need to tell your wife immediately. You know that the husband is going to tell your wife sooner or later. Do you really think in his mind that he thinks it is fair that he going through all of this hell in that you were screwing his wife numerous times and you are allowed to continue on your merry life without your wife knowing? It is guaranteed that your wife will be told by him or the wife. It is much better for you to confess than to have your wife hear it from them. You are in total denial if you do not think this will happen.

In addition, you have put your wife at risk for STD's. You and your wife must get tested as soon as possible. These are the consequences of affairs. I wish you luck.

Needhelp, have you read any of the articles here? Have you read any of the threads other people have posted? Are you familiar with Marriage Builders and the Basic Concepts?

I leave that to you -- I think you should get reading right away.

Your wife deserves to know. You have committed a crime against your marriage and as long as you don't tell her, your marriage is a lie. You may wish to get counseling with the Harleys; at the very least you should purchase the book, "Surviving an Affair."

With your wife, you should write a letter to the other woman and her husband (a sample is found in the book) apologizing for the harm you have done their marriage, and swear that you will NEVER AGAIN CONTACT HER IN YOUR LIFE.

Your wife must decide what she wants to do about the marriage. But she MUST KNOW. If you don't tell her, this will eat at you until it consumes you.

Others will offer suggestions and advice as well. Read and heed.

And yet, she must be told. She has the right to know what has happened in her life and to decide what she needs to do about it.

Just curious, how did the OW's betrayed husband find out?

You are sitting on a time bomb.

no no risk of an sdt..this happened months ago...clean

it happened once, and really since those thoughts fester with people, it was very uncomfortable and not pleasant.

This wan't a romance...

Once or a few? Not that it matters in the least to your betrayed wife.



A few months is not enough time to be sure. You need to be tested to be sure.

Encounters dont mean sexual contact...

tested...fine....

You're going to hear the same thing on here over and over again. If you are wise, you will listen.

First of all, accept the fact that you are indeed a cheater. You had an A. It doesn't matter if it happened once or a hundred times, the fact that you had sex with someone other than your wife makes you a cheater. Own that and take responsibility for it. Stop blaming the OW because she was aggressive. It doesn't matter if it was a pleasant experience or not. None of that is going to matter to your wife when you tell her.

Which brings us to step #1. You must tell your wife everything immediately. It has nothing to do with clearing your conscience. She has a right to know, and the longer you wait to tell her, the worse it will be. This is her life too and she has a right to make informed decisions based on all of the information. It is absolutely not true that what you don't know can't hurt you.

Step #2. You need to send a No Contact letter to the OW and then take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that you never have any contact with her again for the rest of your life.

Read everything on this site. Get off the boards and go read all of the articles about surviving an affair. Get Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair" and read it with your wife after you have told her.

There is a way to heal your marriage, but how you handle things right now is critical to your ability to succeed at this.

needhelp, your wife is not a pet to be kept where you want her. She deserves the truth so she can make her own decisions about her own life.

By keeping silent about your affair, you are not protecting your wife. You are protecting yourself.

I agree that calling the Harleys for counseling may help you in how to tell your betrayed wife and how to go on to make a better marriage than before.

NH100,
I've kinda been where you are. Acquaintance, who became a friend while we worked side by side as singers... harmless e-mail chat about music led to talk about other stuff, and I gradually allowed an emotional attachment to form, where I let this other person meet needs of mine and, long story short, in only 2 & a half months, I'd almost trashed my marriage. (And the OW's marriage did not survive.) Lots more folks around here will also come at you from the standpoint of betrayed spouses, with some advice to help you start seeing things from your wife's vantage point (and that's key to this whole mess). If you have dumb thoughts, they'll call you on it. So here goes my 2 cents:

You need to tell her ASAP. You need to get her alone, you need to get on your knees, and you need to tell her all about it now. Don't try to minimize or give excuses. (There are explanations, as opposed to excuses; but an explanation will sound to her ears right now like an attempt at an excuse, and there ARE no excuses for what guys like us did when we broke our vows.)

Any professional who gives that advice is the world's biggest idiot! Would you rather she find out from someone else? The BIGGEST problem with your affair is the breach of trust, the dishonesty, that it represents. Here's this woman (your wife), and you -- the one single person in the whole world whom she believes she can trust above all others -- have just ripped out her heart and dashed it to the ground, only she doesn't know it yet. When the other man has a bad day and changes his mind about keeping quiet, or when your OW decides to make a play for you, your wife WILL find out. The snake is already out of the bag.

Yeah, I thought I was smart enough to keep it a secret, too --I've got a master's degree and professional diplomatic experience, and I thought I could keep it under wraps and no one would get hurt. Don't fool yourself about how smart you are. If guys like me & you were smart, we wouldn't get ourselves in these kinds of situations in the first place. Y'know what? I confessed to my wife, but if I hadn't, even though the OM never said anything directly, his SISTER e-mailed my wife about 6 weeks after I confessed. So my wife would've found out anyway. And yours will, too. So make sure she finds out from YOU. The way you atone for dishonesty isn't with further dishonesty, it's by getting honest. Do a search for "radical honesty" on this site. And stay the heck away from any "professional" who advises you to try to maintain the lie in this situation -- such a person could not do more damage to your prospects of saving your marriage.

The way you start to become the husband you want to be is to start being honest with your wife today. You want her to trust YOU? Then you need to commit an act of trust for HER, by giving her the truth, and by allowing her to make a decision. You crushed her heart... so you need to put YOUR heart in HER hands, for her to reject or, with time, re-accept. Commit that act of trust. Be enough of a MAN to commit acts of truth.

(As an aside: I confessed my affair to my wife 14 months ago. It was because my OW's husband had found her out. So I was stuck in a situation where I had to come clean to my wife if I wanted to save my marriage. Telling her what I'd done was THE single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, before or since. For my wife, that confession was just the beginning of the worst pain she's ever felt. But you have to push yourself through it, and you have to show her that you're going to stand beside her in HER pain.)

She WILL be pissed. If she wants to scream, let her. If she calls you every bad thing in the book, you sit there and take it, stuff your pride, and keep your mouth shut. If she asks questions, answer them, meekly, and honestly, and apologetically. If she wants to run out of the house and run to her best friend's house to cry on her shoulder and get drunk, then tell her you'll wait for her. If she tells you to get your [censored] out of the house because she needs space, then do it, and call and beg her to let you come back because you need her more than anything in the world. Get humble starting now, because that's the only thing that'll get you headed back toward saving your marriage.

Don't expect this to blow over quickly. It will take deep emotional digging by both of you to recover your marriage. Healing for your wife will come over months & years, not days & weeks. You need to prove to her, with actions, not words, that you're in it for the long haul.

Don't worry about the other man & his e-mails for the moment. That's all about YOU. You need to be all about your wife right now, and your worries need to be focused on how SHE feels.

Among things your wife will want, is assurance that the affair is OVER. This includes permanent, complete cessation of any & all contact between you & the other woman. Have you ensured this? Start reading about "No contact" on this site. In fact, start reading everything in the yellow box on the right side of the screen on this website.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" -- my wife & I will both tell you, it's a book that may have saved our marriage. The first part of it will give you & your wife some perspective about why affairs happen. The second part will help you both assess & learn how to better meet each other's emotional needs so that your marriage can heal and so that the likelihood of anything like this happening again can be reduced.

You CAN save your marriage. Your goal needs to be to make it not just like it was before your affair (because look where that led you), but better than it was before. You CAN get there, with work, commitment & patience. But there aren't shortcuts. You need to look deep inside yourself & figure out what make you throw away your integrity. You need to fully "own" your selfish conduct & the fact that you allowed yourself to feel entitled to do what you did. Your talking about how "aggressive" the other woman was, and your minimizing the emotional aspect of your affair (which led up to the physical stuff) may show that maybe you aren't quite there yet.

Keep reading, and start getting yourself ready to have the conversation with your wife. You can get through this & come out better, but you have to be humble & be honest.

NH100,

tested...fine....

Ummmm, NO, HPV is not detectable in men, HPV can cause cervical cancer in women, not fine.

In any event if you are still having sex with your wife you have denied her the right to choose to abstain from sex with you until a safe period of time has elapsed. At the very least she needs to know so she can inform her OBGYN of risky behavior she has engaged in indirectly. Sorry but this is the modern reality.

Gamma.

Needhelp,

In your opening paragraph you said .

step 1: Yes you are!

You have violated your marriage vows, and more importantly you violated your own boundaries.

Your W needs to know because she can no longer trust you to protect your boundaries. Statements such as "it will never happen again." are made around here very often, but it does happen again until and unless the wayward spouse, WS, makes changes.

The first change is clearly you need honesty in your life. You were not honest in the "I am not a cheater" statement and you have not been honest with your W.

There is a lot of advice I and others will give you, but my first advice is read the articles on this site and tell your what you have done and seek counseling with a promarriage counselor to fix the issues you have in this marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Did you come here needing help or to get someone to tell you what you wanted to hear?

The type of help you are going to find here is based on the lessons of Willard Harley. His methods, if known and understood, provide a road map for those who want to deal effectively withe the consequences of adultery.

There is NO reset button.

Read everything you find under basic concepts. Buy and read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley, Jr., a book that sells many thousands per year and has for many years.

Believe what you read. Repent not only in your heart, but in what you do.

Consequences are going to eat you alive. Get prepared and do the honorable thing, this time. And the honorable thing to do has nothing to do with a pathetic attempt to cover your fundament.

Larry

Thank you for your response. It sounds that you are a lot like me, educated, communicative, age is about the same,etc. I find that very helpful. I have a few more comments, if you can help guide me through this I promise, down the line I will do the same for another. I really need the help. I will go on, if I don�t hear back, I understand.

The truth is I can't bring myself to tell my wife. It kills me. She doesn't deserve this.

This was a mistake. My fricking weakness. No minimizing anything here. The only draw to this debacle was that it was a sex rush. It was kind of dirty and secret. That was the allure. In hindsight, I might have had a sex addiction (effiectively cured by the way)

The OW was a friend, which I really have no sense of passion, lust, or intense emotions about.. The situation presented itself, and I bit. To be honest, alcohol played a part. . As fast as it started, I ended it. She wanted to keep going, but I was ashamed then. It stopped. I begged forgiveness in prayer and promised that I would be a model ethical person thereafter. Then her husband found out. The funny thing about it, the OW was so sure that, he wouldn�t find out and that her husband would survive this mess. When he found out, the holes in their marriage came roaring out. He is struggling and is a total mess. I feel for the guy. She is a nice person, but totally was clueless about their relationship. Na�ve. Plus, he knows that I didn�t have feelings for her, so his issue is that I used his wife like a whore. I guess in a way he is right. Talk about a mess�.

I'm at a loss on what to do. I pray that I'm given the strength to do what�s right. Unlike many doubters on this site, I WILL NEVER cheat again. It makes me sick. If there is something missing in my marriage, I will speak the truth and be honest with my wife without having to find it on the outside.

Before I say anything to my wife, I want to be cleaned up and not an unmade bed.

What was your married relationship like?, how did your wife take things? When did some normalcy come back? Did she throw you out? What was her immediate reaction, how did you tell her? My questions are endless. I hope it doesn�t scare you off�..

I noticed that you were caught in a long relationship and then it stopped. Do you think that the fact that I stopped it quickly (a few encounters) makes any difference? Looking for insight�.

**I've pretty much quit drinking
**I have no contact with the OW
**Her husband still contacts me and tells me about the dstruction of his family and what I've caused

And your BW is CLUELESS about YOU and YOUR relationship.

You've made lots of weak choices that got you in the position you find yourself in.

Time to start making courageous choices.

Tell your BW the truth.

First, please stop with the "cute" names..."encounters", "experiences" etc...Call it was it is, was, and always will be: A-D-U-L-T-E-R-Y...Yes, you are an ADULTERER...Own it...That is the God's honest, brass tacks TRUTH...I tell you this as a Former Adulterer myself...Tap dancing around reality will avail you NOTHING...

HONESTY is the solution to ADULTERY...BE A MAN...Own it and be honest about it...Do you want your integrity back? That's how you get it...

Stop lying to yourself and us...None of us here are fooled that your worry is for your wife...You fear the CONSEQUENCES for YOU...That is evidenced by the cowardice stamped all over your first post...You came here to find out if OWH's reactions are normal - you didn't come here asking how to help your wife - Nope, you wanted to know if you ought to do something about what you consider your "psycho stalker"...You fear the OWH...Frankly, you should - Truth is, you deserve a major beat down from him...You asked if his behavior is "normal"...You're damn skippy it is...You violated that man...If he had done what you did with his wife with yours, how would you act? DUH...




You are right, she didn't deserve it - past tense...But it's too late - you already hurt her - Now you must tell her.


No, a mistake is putting too much salt in the stew...This was a choice...Your choice...


Well this was a lie...An ethical person would know that they couldn't continue to lie to their spouse. A lie by omission is still a lie. Time to get HONEST...Your marriage is doomed without honesty...


You know what? There is nothing "funny" about it...It's turning my stomach to hear you talk about your victim in this way...He doesn't want or need your "pity"...Please knock it off.


UH NO! Please, please do not say anything that inane to your wife...OW is NOT a nice person at all...


Spoken like a true OM...Classy...


Stop with the cheap talk about how you will be honest and moral from now on while you still have the stench of lies on your breath...

There may indeed be something missing in your marriage, but it is your shoddy boundaries that allowed you to cheat...

In order to not cheat again you must have a PLAN...That plan must include EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS...Will power is UNRELIABLE - you've learned this, right?


Bullcrap. She MUST be told NOW. Each second that you don't tell her you compound your crime and make this WORSE for HER...Show us that it is HER that you care about by telling her NOW...Otherwise, we will know it is only YOU that you care about...


Please note that your "endless" questions are all about MITIGATION OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU...



Pretty much? Is that like being "sorta pregnant"? Great about NC, but none of this means anything until you've told your wife...Are you man enough to do that?

Mrs. W

Revisiting this for a minute...I didn't finish my thoughts earlier...Don't forget that OW used you too, my friend...Her "feelings" for you weren't real either - they were LUST, plain and simple - she used you for strokes to her fledgling ego - she did not "love" you either...You both acted in a pathetic and disgraceful manner...

I remind you of this because when I got here I was lucky enough to have Pepperband remind me...I said something stupid about "OM's true colors" and Pep reminded me to look at my own...Taking your own moral inventory is very important...

I would also remind you that there are many BH's here...When you talk about your victim - The BH - by saying "I used his wife like a whore" I cringe, because - Well, just remember your audience - have empathy...It is true that OW allowed herself to be used like that, [just as you did] but I would advise you to choose the words referencing one of your victims - the BH - carefully...

Mrs. W