1. Send your husband here. He'll get some great advice.

2. Tell him that you have been advised to have NO FURTHER CONTACT with the OM for the sake of your marriage and recovery. One thing that might work is for you to write a letter that your husband approves and mails on his own. This way, he has read the NC letter and he mailed it/delivered it, so he has proof that it got there. As far as contacting the OMW...YES, it must be done, but not by you. Your BH needs to contact the BS at the other end.

3. Send him here. Did I already mention that?

He will not come here. He has made that clear to me. He says it is my responsibility to fix it--to confront the OMW and to find a way to confront the OM without actually contacting him. That is what has me stumped. He says everything will be fixed if I can just find a way to deal with the confrontation but he can't tell me how to confront since it is over a year after the fact. He also says that it is too late to contact the OM and the OMW but that things will not be fixed until they are confronted. I do not know what to do.

If he won't make the phone call then it sounds like the only option left is to write a detailed NC letter that your H reads and sends. Since he is looking for a confrontation, I think it should be as detailed and confrontational as possible. You can find a template for the NC letter on this forum. Maybe you could do a two part letter where you describe your pledge of NC and say what a mistake the A was to the OM and then have an apology to OMW.

Write the two part letter and sit down with your H to review. Add any additional items that H asks for. Then have H send it.

I sent a very blunt, confrontational NC letter about 8 months ago. He said that this didn't break the "covenant" I had established with the OM and it did not take the place of the confrontation since confrontation is an action and a letter is just words. He wants action but can't tell me what kind of action. He says to try anything but I don't know what to try. I offered to place an ad in the newspaper where the OM lives but he said that was stupid. I offered to have a legal document drawn up breaking the "covenant" but he said that was just words again. I just need some kind of idea of actions that I could take.

SD,

you wrote awhile back

My H also thinks that I need to contact the OMW to let her know what happened.

Indirectly you will be confronting the OM through the OMW. Perhaps you can confront him at his church if he goes to one that might be a safer arena.

I am not the first person he has had an A with.

Wow that hurts a man, my W first EA was with someone who had lots of women, affairs etc, she meant nothing to him and he did nothing for her, I felt like I was cleaning up for someone who had so many advantages over me.

God Bless
Gamma

He lives several states away from us and does not attend church. I've been praying for a way to come up that will fix the confrontation issue. I have since rededicated my life and realized that I was just being used and taken advantage of because of my home situation. He really can rot. I used to care about his soul, but now I don't.

I am still waiting for some advice I can use. I wish I could go to counseling or anything but I was told to not ever mention it again. I don't have a job or any money of my own which is why I couldn't take my kids and leave before all this happened. I don't have any family close and I'm an only child anyway. If my dad were still alive this wouldn't have happened.

My H won't go through any of the recovery programs with me because he doesn't trust anyone and he's a pastor. I wish I could give more details but I can't. I truly need help. I'm at my lowest point right now to fix this. If it is not fixed today, I'm doomed. I have told him I will not leave because I can't be without my kids. I just need to know that my life is worth something and that I won't be identified by my sin for the rest of my life. I can't live like this. My kids deserve better. I know I am worthless--please don't beat me up anymore. I've gotten enough of that already.

I've gotta tell you, sick. It sounds like your H is making demands that are impossible to meet. The only thing you can do is to allow him to draft the letter that you are to send to OM and OMW. Or, have HIM call and ask for OMW, then hand the phone to you and listen while you talk. Discuss with him beforehand what you intend to say so that he approves. Better yet, have a list of talking points in front of you so you stay on topic.

The fact that your H seems uninterested in rebuilding your M is a little alarming, but I get the feeling there is more to your story than you have shared with us. Why are you reluctant to share details that might enable us to help you? We're anonymous here. Maybe there is something in the untold part of your story that will cast some light upon why your H seems hell-bent against rebuilding.

Start working on changing your mindset, while you're at it. Stop dumping on the OM. Your goal should be to have NO feelings toward him, even negative ones. And stop trying to shield your children because they 'don't deserve it.' They didn't deserve their mother having an affair. Any fallout is something you'll just have to deal with. And finally - you CHOSE to have an affair. Whether or not your father is alive should have no bearing on what you, as an adult woman, chose to do.

We have sent a letter to the OM. My H says that a letter doesn't suffice because it doesn't confront what happened. Only action offsets action. Words are not good enough. He begged me at the beginning to call and confront the OM but after I said NC I couldn't bring myself to call. Now I am desperate to find something. I thought a letter would suffice but it didn't. My H called the OM right after Dday and the OM pretty much told him to mind his own business. How do I take back what I did? How can I revisit and do the personal confrontation with the OM with my H there that I failed to do at the beginning?

Then call him, for crying out loud! If that's what your H wants, do it!

And the OM can pound salt, as far as telling your H to mind his own business. His M IS his business!

So do this, sick. Call the guy, with your H there. With your talking points in hand. Keep it short and business-like. Let your H dictate what you will say, which will hopefully be something like "Out of respect for my dear husband and shame for my actions with you, I am calling to confirm again that the affair was a terrible decision that has created much damage to my H, our children and myself. As an act of repentence toward my H I am calling you to tell you this and to ask your W for forgiveness."

This isn't typical MB stuff - it's going to break NC. But it sounds like your H needs this in order to begin healing. And in light of the fact that you haven't given all info surrounding your sitch with your H, it might be something you're going to have to do.

You sound as if you're considering harming yourself.

Are you?

Neak--the thought has crossed my mind a lot. I have sunk into a very deep depression and no end in sight. I am not allowed to get help.

Marital-bliss--I know this is different than any other situation that I have read about. Believe me, I have gotten many books and searched hundreds of websites but to no avail. I haven't found one that even advocates confrontation of this nature. That's why I am so stumped and H will not move on until it is done. I should have done it to begin with but I was afraid. Fear has been a contributing factor to the breakdown of my M even before the A.

Actually, your sitch isn't totally unusual. Look at what you have: a BH who is unable to heal and may be 'hooked' on the secondary emotions he gets from picking at the scab of the A. It happens, but it's not going to heal your M. I hope that isn't the case, because if it is, I don't know if anything you do will satisfy him until he moves past picking at that scab.

It also sounds like the two of you need help learning to communicate. It's a pity your H won't come here to read and learn. It sounds like he could benefit from some MB time.

Finally - and forgive me if I'm out of line, here, but it sounds like your H may be a bit sadistic and/or emotionally abusive. This has gone on for too long with no real help from him regarding resolution. It is also having a strong negative emotional toll on you.

There is often a strong desire by the BS to see his/her wayward spouse suffer in order to see physical confirmation of remorse. But most BS's get to a point where they no longer need to see that suffering. I originally was comforted by my FWH's remorse and tears. But in time my heart would go out to him because I knew how much he was suffering, and even though he had hurt me terribly, I knew that it wasn't healthy for him to wear a hairshirt for the rest of his life. I didn't need that. I had healed past that. That was when we were able to come together as partners in healing. And that was when true rebuilding and renewed intimacy began.

His refusal for you to seek treatment of any kind is a

Yes, I will be the first to agree that you made your bed. But for him to drag out his requirements for healing and repairing your M isn't productive. Look at what it's doing to you! (That's what I mean by the sadistic part.) And, AND - is he not a pastor? Did he not take ANY notes in school? Where's his forgiveness, compassion?? Believe me, I'll be the last one to hammer a BS, but hello! Something else is going on here.

The only retaliatory thing I have ever done was have the A. I know I should have just left, but I didn't feel I was in a position to do that and I had no one to help me. I am truly sorry for what I have done and I know he didn't deserve that no matter what he had done to me. I have forgiven him over and over again for his transgressions. why can't I get the same?

SD,

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2331883#Post2331883

Sorry if you already read it, but there is a pastor who is posting, over in "In Recovery" perhaps seeing his viewpoint will help somehow.

God Bless
Gamma.

S&D,

I find your posts very disturbing, and my heart goes out to you. Sure, you made a gross error. You have since become honest, open, and transparent. You ended things with OM and then upon learning that BH should be part of the NC you included him by sending a letter that BH was privy to. Look at these posts of yours:




I'm sorry but what I see here is a hateful, malicious, controlling person.

Sure, a BS is hurt to their core and they can say and do some hateful things whilst consumed with pain. But your BH has a remorseful, transparent wife who is willing to do anything to help her husband heal. He has no reason to continue on a retaliatory path.

I see you trapped by a man who will not seek help for himself, who forbids you to even mention counseling for yourself, and who does not allow you freedom or spending money. You are isolated and totally under his thumb. He controls you and you have no means of helping yourself.

You ask him for suggestions but he cannot provide any. Instead he gives you the following totally impossible tasks:

Confront OM without contacting him
You must confront but it is too late
A letter is just words and he requires action.. but without contact
BH is unable to tell you what action might be acceptable

You have offered to place an ad in OM's home town newspaper.
You have offered to have a legal document drawn up.
He has shot those offers down.

I see a man who is punishing you by giving you impossible tasks and insisting that you accomplish them. A man who is controlling you by not allowing you to mention counseling, and allowing you no spending money.

Perhaps his punishment is in return for the immeasurable pain you brought into his world. Affairs have been likened to rape or the death of a child in the amount of trauma they cause for their victims. So no question he is in pain.

BUT

That does not give him the right to punish you and mistreat you in such a manner. Not only that, but I suspect his mistreatment of you long precedes your affair.

How does he treat your children?
Have you looked into women's shelters?

AND, after four pages here have you told the OMW in front of your BH?

WHY NOT?

Road, she agreed to do that but her BH resisted:
"He also says that it is too late to contact the OM and the OMW "

I tried to get him to once again think about us calling to do the confrontation. He said that that proves that I don't honor him since he told me it was too late to confront the OM. How can I do this confrontation without calling or sending a letter?

I prayed all day for God to give me a sign that I am worth something. The only sign I got was a very irate call confirming the exact opposite. I don't know what to do. Please pray for me. I'm in bad shape.

Turtlehead--I'm glad you read between the lines. I don't know what he'd do if I went to a shelter. I know he'd take the kids away from me because of my A. i couldn' t live without my kids.

Every person who has posted to you here is God's messenger telling you you're worth something. You've heard from some of the best of the best, and they don't waste their time. I don't waste my time, either. You're very worthwhile, and the wrong you have done doesn't make you irredeemable.

First and foremost, do not harm yourself. You're God's child, and were bought with a price. Don't disrespect the precious blood of Jesus that way. Do whatever you need to do, call whoever you need to call, go wherever you need to go, but do not raise a hand against yourself. Get help for this immediately. Repairing your marriage comes second.

Once you're stabilized, you'll have a much easier time learning to deal with the aftermath of your A.

For tonight, get help for you. Tomorrow you can go to work on your M.

DO NOT try to kill yourself. No matter what happens, God is there, we are here, and you can get through this.