Good Evening All,

A lot of background info for a quick question at the end:

7 weeks ago I caught my W of 21 years having an EA on Facebook with a guy she knew in grade school. When I confronted her she hit me with the "I love you but I am not "In Love" with you anymore". She has cut off all contact with the guy, (yes I have verified and monitored this); and we have been working through the fallout ever since.

We have started MC (just last week) and are starting on MB at the same time. Our counselor knows the MB system and is helping us with it. My W has been skeptical about the MB program so we are researching it together and making progress. Hoping to begin all the facets of MB soon. W says she wants us to work it out and save our marriage.

A good friend of my W's, that she has known all her life, has been talking with my W since this all came out. She has been telling my W this whole time that the guy on Facebook isn't worth all the trouble, and she should not trust him or let him interfere with our marriage. Of course my W was still in the fog of the EA and had a higher opinion of this person then her friend and of his "Feelings" for my W.

2 days ago this friend called my W and talked to her. The friend started to chat and call this guy to get proof of the kind of person he is to expose him to my wife. She got it and how! He basically told the friend that my W was all at fault, he never had feelings for her, he was just bored, it was all in her head, etc. etc. to say the least my wifes illusion was shattered.

Fortunately I arrived home that night with a dozen roses (just because) and after our D went to bed we had a very long talk. I could tell something was wrong with her so I asked her to please talk to me. I listened as she related the story, and how mad, hurt, sad and betrayed she felt. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, listen to my wife be heartbroken over another man! I never lost my temper, I listened, comforted, provided a shoulder to cry on and kept reassuring her that she isn't a complete idiot and I don't hate her.

All that to get to my question. The illusion is definitely gone, the fog is starting to lift and she seems to want to work on things even more.

What is the best way to proceed?

I never expected anything quite so dramatic. I expected a long process for her feelings for him to change/fade. Thanks to her friend the transition from "caring" about this guy to really hating him was lightning fast. I am not sure of the best way to handle it. Do I just let her talk about it only if she wants too? Do I ask any questions? Do I just keep being the supportive H to show her the contrast between him and me?

Any and all advice is welcomed!

Zeke351

You're doing great, Zeke! Keep listening and comforting her.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Have you filled out the emotional needs questionaire, yet?

Read everything you can on this site.

Marshmallow,

Thanks for the reply.

I hope I am doing great, I could use something to go my way after the last several weeks!

I ordered the book and am waiting for it to arrive.

We are working on the questionaires this weekend (LB and EN) and bringing them to our MC.

I have read so much I thnk I could start quoting it! LOL

Thanks again,

Zeke351

Good job!

The most important ENs to focus on are her top ones. Those are the ones that will fill her love bank the fastest. Generally speaking, it is Conversation and affection that are a woman's top ENs.

And seeing how your W's EA was mostly on FB, I'd say it is a safe bet that conversation is her number one EA. So concentrate on meeting that need.

Hang in there! You'll make it!

Thanks for the encouragement Marshmallow.

After the emotional first few weeks, we were able to talk about things and what happened. This was before I knew about MB. I realized that I was missing her major EN's. I went through a few books "I Love You But I Am Not In Love WIth You" by Andrew Marshal and "The 5 Love Languages" they sort of steered me in the right direction and then MB made it a lot clearer.

So I focused on conversation, domestic support and
admiration and it has helped a lot. The shattering of her illusion/fantasy, while painful for her and I,has really helped. She has started seriously working on meeting my biggest EN, affection (Strangely our SF has been even better since this all blew up)

Its still early and we have a lot to work on, but I think we are both moving forward now. Hopefully we can sit down now that she is more comfortable with MB, and put all the pieces in place and truly live the program.

The UA time is a challenge for us due to work schedules and our DD11 but we are looking at our schedules and seeing what we can change.

To everyone...PLEASE keep the advice rolling in! It helps to have people that have been through this and understand!

Thanks again,

Zeke351

Hi Zeke! The fastest horse will be to spend 20-30 hours a week meeting these needs: Conversation, SF, Affection and Recreational Companionship. Doing that will effectively tip the scales by making the MOST deposits in the quickest amount of time. No one falls in love over domestic support, but they do over affection and conversation.

I would do my best to push the Undivided Attention time because the program won�t work unless you get that in. In troubled marriages, Harley recommends 25+ hours. If you sit down and actually SCHEDULE the actual times, it makes it much easier.

Also, is the OM married? If so, does his wife know about the affair?

Admiration is often a top wayward wife need...

Though it's tough to deliver much admiration right now after what she's done to you, I'll try to offer you a couple nuggets you can deliver at the right moment.

Admire her for:

1. Being smart enough to open up to her girlfriend and get help processing this AND LISTENING to her friend.

2. Having smart friends that support marriage and decent behavior.

2. Being smart enough to come to you and discuss this stuff

3. Being smart enough to extricate herself from OM before the "affair" went any further

Many many women have taken the path your wife did and did not get off the train once it left the station. Although it's certainly upsetting, devastating even, that she got on the emotional affair train to begin with, at least she got herself off the train before it reached it's intended ultimately destructive destination.

It sounds easy to do...but in the midst of all those brain chemicals...it's NOT. Many people have failed to do what your wife SEEMS to have done.

Good job yourself...staying calm and supportive. Yelling and screaming is counter-productive to achieving empathy towards/for you and a true apology. The more wonderful and strong you are the quicker she'll fall in love with you again, which, in turn, expedites her grief, guilt and regret...a necessary step before true repentence.

She is still foggy and focused on her hurt. Don't expect a ton of empathy for you and your feelings until she's in love with you again. Be patient.

Mr. Wondering

Melody,

Thank you for your advice.



The reason I did not list Affection and did list Domestic Support is because I am naturally a very affectionate person so I have been doing more of that since this started. One of the major LB for my W was feeling like she ran the home as a single parent so I am concentrating on DS not just for the short term but as a long range thing I need to fix.



We are definitely scheduling the UA time to make it easier. I have to rearrange my schedule to make it work so that is what I am doing.



Yes the OM is married. No his wife doesn't know about it YET! My W and him never talked on the phone (I verified all phone records)so she does not know how to contact him outside of FB. I am working on getting that information though to tell his wife.

Thanks again,

Zeke351

MrWondering,

Thank you for the advice and words of support.

Its funny...it is not difficult for me to be admiring of her at all even through this. I have always thought she is a wonderful women. The hard part is, all she sees right now is how big of an idiot (her words, not mine)she was and she has a difficult time believing and accepting my Admiration.


Patience has never been one of my strong points LOL but I am learning very quickly! I can see the fog lifting more each day and it is encouraging.


Starting to live the MB program will help. We are taking small steps and making the needed changes. I hope it keeps moving forward. The "Taker" in me is screaming inside me most days, but I am keeping him locked away for now.


Thanks again,

Zeke351

Zeke, is his wife on his facebook? If so, you can email her via facebook. But, she does need to know everything. This will protect both your marriages. I would do this ASAP without telling your wife first. Afterwards you can tell her you have informed the OMW of her affair and that she will now be watching from her end too.

The more people whoknow, the less likely a resumption of an affair.

Unfortunately she is not. His profile is now set to private so I can't see anything on it unless I am one of his friends. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! There are no other friends in common either.

I am actively working to find an address, phone # or e-mail so I can contact her. I searched the site looking for a letter suggestion about it but I could not find anything...I may have done the search wrong. Any suggestions?

Thanks again...this board and those of us using it are very lucky to have you on it.

Zeke351

Thanks Zeke! There is not a letter for such an exposure, because most often the OP's spouse is called on the phone. If you do get through simply tell who you are, full name, etc, and give her the facts. Offer to stay in touch so you can watch from both ends and compare notes.

Does your wife still have him as a friend on Facebook? If so, log in through her account and look at his profile. Many times people list their spouse. Then check his list of friends to see if her name is one of them. You can send her a message even if you aren't her "friend".

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do to recover from her A!

Soulsurvivor,

No she does not. After I found out about the online affair she deleted him on her own! I never told her she had to at first (I was waiting to see what she would do) If I told her she "HAD TO DELETE HIM" she would blame it on me and resent it. This way it was her choice. Now I wish I had been thinking clearer so I could have gottten more info then.



Thanks for the encouragemnt. Each day is getting better. Its actually a lot of fun rediscovering her and us again. (Does that sound bad? It took this to make us realize what we had? )

The pessimist in me keeps waiting for something else to go wrong. LOL

Thanks again,

Zeke351