Please tell me your thoughts on my situation

A man has an affair with a woman who has a child that is not his. For 2 years out of our marriage, unknowing to me, he played the role of father to her child until he conceives a child with her. And now in his mind he has 2 sons. I mean total responsibility, with the exception of child support. He represents him at school conferences, gets him severals days out the week for overnight stays. Goes to his school to see him every day. He has done this for 12 years, yet he and the mother didn't stay together. The mother finally married the man she had her 3rd child by. So now this child has a biological dad that he knows, a stepdad and my husband. This has been a problem in our marriage, yet he continues.

My questions is, do you think he still has feelings for the mother? Does he feel he owes her something. She was very young when they began the affair. He was old enough to be her father. I need answers so I know how to move forward.

tekeo, his feelings on the issue don't matter. When someone is abusing you, it does not matter how they FEEL about abusing you; what matters is that he STOP. What matters is that your H's contact with her is incredibly abusive and painful to YOU. It is unacceptable. It will destroy your marriage and your mental health if you allow it.

I would give him 3-4 weeks to end all contact with the boy and his mother for life and them go into Plan B, a complete separation. You should DEMAND that he end all contact with his lover. DEMAND.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Even NC with the child? That seems cruel to me. The child is innocent.
blessing

check this out:

Yes, because it will destroy the marriage.

Just asking:

Do you have kids? Is he the father if yes?

This has been going on for 12 years?

And you found out when?

The other woman has remarried, I think you said?

Do you know if the other child, the one your husband made, has your husband's name on the birth certificate?

Lemme see if I get this right. Your husband has an affair with a woman who already has a child by another relationship (married?), and the woman conceives a child by your husband, then she has another relationship with another man, who she eventually marrys and conceives a child by that third deal. Did

I get that right?

And what was your husband doing during the time when the other woman was around the man she eventually married? Was he still a part of the two kids life?

I somehow lost track of who was doing who when. And what you knew while all this was going on.

Finally, are you a stay at home mom? Do you depend on your husband to make it financially in life?

Larry

Larry, no I don't have children by my husband. I have 4 children to my previous marriage, they are all grown now. I remarried my current husband for the second time. We divorced after the affair and the conception of their child came to light. We stayed divorced for 10 years and recently remarried. From my understanding my H continued the relationship during the years we were divorced. My H married during those 10 yrs and of course divorced. There were no children to that union. I recently found out that this was a problem in his second marriage. His wife became very physically abusive and he feared for his life and the boys life. I knew about the abuse, but I was told that it was because she was very jealous of him. But now I see why the rage. My frustrations don't produce physical reactions. And I think hers did. But non the less this is very hurtful to me. I feel like he is married to her and her son.



My H continued being the"babysitter" as I see it during the whole time she was with the man she eventually married. Recently, m H told me that her family told him that her husband feels threathened by him.(actually the things he does for her son that is not his) Of course my H didn't say it like that, but I gathered that was the jist of it. My H wishes he didn;t share that bit of info with me. Because I do remind him of that. That is more reason for my H to back away and allow her new husband to be the stepfather for her child. I see my husband as being very convenient for her situation. But he sees it as he has developed a love, which carries responsiblity, for her child.

I only accepted him back into my life because I saw the spiritual change in him.

In answer to your question, I am not a stay at home mom. I have several successful businesses. I don't depend on my husband for finances.

tekoa, his relationship with the OW has destroyed your previous marriage and his last marriage. Do you see how dangerous it is to tolerate this? Like Dr Harley said, it is disasterous to marriages; "FEW SURVIVE."



Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat to marriage.

That new information puts things in a different light to be sure. I understand the spititual change thing too.
Gonna think about this one a bit. I know there are ppl here who will have some insight for you.

Larry, I'm sorry I don't think I answered all of your questions. But here goes a second try.

Yes, I am told his name is on the birth certificate, and he carries both their last name. He recently took her to court for joint custody. He had all of the previledges, but he felt she may hold his son from him, once we remarried. What she did do when served with the papers was withhold the other son from him. My H actually refused to get his son, because he couldn't get the other one. He said his reason for that was becasue he didn't want them to be separated. He raised them to be together and he didn't want to hurt him. But I saw that as a tactic to show her he wanted things to remaine they way they were.

Shortly, after his son's birth he legitimized him. He has paid child support from day 1, way before the court order.

tekoa, as I said before, your husband is enjoying living like a king with a harem of women and a collection of children at his feet. He has no reason to change this as long as the women put up with it.

He has no boundaries regarding marriage, and neither to do you nor the other women involved. If you did, you wouldn't be part of this no matter how much you feel you love him.

You will have to ask yourself whether you are willing to live like the member of a harem, or whether you will remove yourself from that situation and find a man who values you and your children enough to be a full-time husband to you and a full-time father to your children.

This is a huge mess and there is NOTHING you can do to change it EXCEPT remove yourself and your children from it. I think you have been hanging on to false hope that "somehow this will work out" for a long time.

You are giving all the children involved a terrible lesson about what marriage is. Please think about that.

tekoa

Sometimes the convoluted messes we see here sound like a preamble for the Jerry Springer show.

When you marry someone, you marry their baggage as well. If they were married before and have a cordial relationship with their ex, then you are duty bound to control the jealousy and act like a grownup. If they don't, then you don't, within reason depending on whatever kids, etc.

You remarried your ex-husband with full knowledge of the mess he has made of his life. Right? And I don't understand what sort of spiritual epiphany he has had that unloads some or all of his old baggage and made him an acceptable mate.

Some of the legacy mess is getting on your nerves. Well, you have two choices, live with it or do something about it. If you try to do something about it, then that means making a believer out of your husband. Uh, that isn't likely from my read.

Your second method would be to unload hubby once again.

I don't mean to be negative. Guess I am anyway. What I see is a pattern and one that is unlikely to be any different in the future. As I said, the reality is you remarried the baggage.

As simply as possible, what do you want, exactly, specifically.

Larry

Two marriages already destroyed over this affair, and three and four on the way... The gift that just keeps on giving and giving and giving...

Larry, I guess the mess would be a little more palatable, if I was considered in certain decisions. I feel like the outsider looking in. He goes through great lengths to keep it that way. It's the deception that keeps me in an emotional uproar.

And yes, you are right I can just decide to get out. We don't have chldren together, I don't need him for financial support. But what I do need him for he hasn't given it. I don't feel secure with him, because I don't feel like I'm his priority. I have asked him to take care of certain things and he hasn't taken the time to do them.(important house and business stuff) Yet he takes time everyday to go to the children's school. I feel like I'm way down on his priority stick.

Then why do you stay?

You have answered your own question, or at least the one I thought might be in your mind and asked you.


You want a partner not a companion. Up to you now what you do.

Larry

I feel that you are going to go through hardtimes with anyone you decide to be with. Same stuff different face. The stuff may be different, but it still emotional stuff. I really want my marriage to work. I feel I work hard at it. I really wish I would have done the marriage builder before I remarried. I want to finish this marriage until death do us part. Of course, I do realize that may not be realistic. But I don't want to die trying either.

tekoa, his involvement with the kids and OW has been going on for years. Does he want anything changed? What makes you think he will start making you a priority?

No, evidently he doesn't want anything changed.