Hi all,

I discovered in January that my wife of 5 years, girlfriend of 10 years started an affair in December with an ex boyfriend. In addition she also became pregnant at the time. Before I go on to the meat of this, let me give you some background information.

My wife suffers from severe depression. Her mother was an alcoholic who did not show her any love and when she passed on she left her belongs to the sister. My wife also cares very deeply about what others think about her and has a thin skin for the most part. She does not get along with females that have influence over me, namely my mother, but others as well. She is tragically a mess for the last couple years, and moreso now.

I am a late bloomer. I did not date in High School really, and while I have had serious relationships, I thought this was the one that ended them all. I built my world around her, worshipped the ground she walked on, and did everything I could to make her happy. I guess I have some codependency issues, but I feel like I am a real winner/great guy, husband, and father.

We have two children, one of which is biologically mine, the other I have raised since he was one. I love them both so much. We have really grown to become one unit actually.

Back to the meat. So I confronted my wife about her infidelity January 16th (Her affair had been going on for roughly a month at this point in time). She admitted that she had only cheated one time, was pregnant, and said she could not stay at the house any longer. So she moved in with him.

I am a teacher, pay bills, and for the most part am responsible. I take care of the kids when my wife lays in bed. I allowed her to do so too which I guess was a problem in itself. The ex boyfriend/current lover - boyfriend is unemployed, cant work because of anger issues, and lives in a roach infested trailer with his mother.

So at first I thought she made a big mistake, left because of guilt, and couldnt return to face us. The kids are with me. However, as time went on, I began to realize I wasnt able to meet her emotional needs, at least not all of them. And well, I guess I was not able to meet her physical needs either, even if she says she is very physically attracted to me and this wasnt about sex.

So my wife comes to the house 4-5 times a week, sometimes sleeps over, and makes dinner for me and the kids every night she is here. At first she did not want to even consider returning, but as the weeks went on, she disclosed more and more that she wanted to work things out- --- down the road when we both made changes that would help our marriage. She says she still loves me, more than the guy, but she cannot return due to guilt, her problems, and a few of my own. She is still affectionate in terms of hugs, pecks, notes, etc. She however refuses to leave the guy because he is the only person who has stuck with her and given her the support. I am left wondering how strong her love for the guy is, and if she could just leave him if she ever felt like returning home.

She will also not confide her feelings to me. She just says she is a mess and I cannot help her with her problems. She also stated that when she wanted to go for help in the past I did not support her very well.

I feel so badly for her, while struggling with the whole inadequacy thing for me. I dont know what the heck happened as I thought we had a really good marriage. Not everything is turned on its side.

If I feel that we can work this out, should I be patient with this situation, or by her continuing to stay with the guy effectively ended the marriage (Oh I would be willing to take on the responsibility of the baby)?

Any insight or help would be appreciated. My emotions change from day to day. One I want her back wholeheartedly, the next I think its better to not be involved with her. I guess there is also a little more to the story, but these are the main details. Thanks for any insight.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, AzDad...

I'm sorry you are here under these circumstances...and really glad you are, especially under these circumstances.

First I'd suggest that you click on the button "Notify" at the bottom of your post and have it moved to the "Surviving An Affair" forum. It has the highest traffic and you'll get the most responses.

Also, please get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley as soon as you can. There are two plans for busting up an affair...which is where your goal needs to be right now. Plan A and then Plan B.

These work when you truly work them.

Do not waste mental time thinking if she really loves, or how strongly loves this loser who is actively out to break apart your marriage. You can better use your energy to actively break apart the affair.

Your WW (wayward wife) is in a fog...what she says won't make sense right now...and she doesn't love this person...remember that. He's an illusion and so is she, right now. She's an addict.

She's addicted to her own feelings, not the person. Keep that separate...Plan A means you're strong, focused and do not get lost in refuting, untangling her mess. You attack the mess that is the affair.

You decide if you will choose to save your marriage and recovery from her A. That's your choice alone. You're correct to ask yourself what about his baby...you don't know if it's his or yours, is that correct?

There is another board just for this...we've had several men and women who have chosen to recover their marriages even though there an OC (other child) brought into the picture as a result of the A.

When you do know your choices, then you take action, which includes exposing the A (affair), bringing reality through respect and love, figuring out her top ENs (Emotional Needs) and your own LBs (Love Busters)...there are questionnaires on this website you can download and fill out to the best of your ability for her to give you a guide to how to do this.

You can also call the counselors for solid advice on how to all of this (there's a link at the top of the page).

Use your knowledge of what you did and didn't do to formulate a great Plan A...do NOT use anything you did or didn't do in the marriage to believe for one second you caused her to have an A. She did that. That's hers. After the A ends, then withdrawal ends, your recovery will address much later what each of you did to contribute to the state of the marriage. Keep those separate. Might help your swirling emotions right now. Which are normal. This is an extremely painful experience, full of ups and downs.

You're not alone...and you don't have to go through this alone. MB is here for you. Keep posting...keep coming back.

LA

Thank you so much. I will definitely be here often as I am beating myself up over everything. My emotions are whirling and all I know is I want my marriage to survive, but I cant do it alone can I? I actually just bought the book, and that was before I discovered these forums. Thanks for the information so far. I will be asking for a lot of suggestions so keep it coming. Thanks

AZDAD

azdad -

Welcome to MB. Sorry to say you've got quite a mess on your hands.

You say you have two children. Apparently they are not both your bio-children. What exactly is the situation with the parentage of these children?

And are you assuming that your wife is now pregnant with the OM's child?

Your wife may have some "love" for you, but she doesn't have one ounce of respect for you. And nobody can love someone unless they also respect them.


Translation: It's really great having TWO men to meet my emotional needs. It's really nice having azdad mind the kids so I can spend time with my boyfriend and then still go back to azdad when I feel like it.

And she will tell you whatever bullcrap she thinks you want to hear to keep this going, like she did in the quote above.

Your WW will keep up this arrangment as long as she possibly can. She will never stop it on her own. Please understand this.

Start by reading up on Plan A and Plan B. You're almost certainly going to need both.

I am sorry to be in this mess too because I was one of those who thought it would never happen too me. Its really hard to stay strong too. I like the affection I do receive from her because it seems like its all I got left. I get the texts, the notes, the hugs, the pecks on the cheek, the I love yous, but in the end she drives off every night to be with the other man.

As for the arrangement, Im sure it will get to a point where I will no longer accept the arrangement. I just dont feel strong enough yet to give an ultimatum. I definitely need to read up on plan A and plan B. I will do so later tonight when my wife leaves.

As for the unborn child question. The child is 99.9% his. I dont think there is anyway possible its mine. But you never know I guess. We are just really careful as she is not on birth control and the timing was not right for it to be mine. So yeah, I am pretty sure its his.

This is really hard because of all the mixed messages I receive, the hope I have, and the uncertainty of the future. I know I am a catch and my self esteem is pretty good considering, but I will never understand the affair and why she left me for this guy. I know it has to do with meeting needs, but she is not thinking long term, and she is not thinking rationally. Like someone said, she has an addiction to her own feelings. That pretty much sums it up. Thanks for all the advice.

AZDAD

Time to give WW a plan A for one month then do a plan B. Do not be a doormat.

WW is playing you she keeps coming back just enough to keep you hanging on as a back up plan.

Also at this point it's time to cut the money off. Tell WW you are not going to support her so she can sleep with another man and have his baby.

Then see a lawyer so you get protected legally and financially. The OM knocked up your WW he should have to pay for the prenatal care, delivery, and CS.

If just a separation can do this then fine. If not then divorce her. Because your WW is just a fence sitter.

Even if you divorce and your WW stopping being an alien you can still try to reconnect and have a life together again.

I am so grateful for all your advice. I guess my three biggest problems are one, the kids, two, my strength, and three my always seeing signs that she is about to return always to end with her driving off.

My oldest son Cory is not biologically mine, nor is he adopted. He has always been my son, even when his biological visits 2-3 times a year. I take care of him, instil values, and play with him. I am a great dad. If this situation gets ugly for any reason, I could lose him. I dont have money for an attorney, nor for a divorce. I am not at that stage anyway to be honest. I want the kids to have some normalcy. So my wife comes over after school, makes dinner, and tucks them in. Maybe this is a mistake.

This brings me to my second point. Just through reading the summaries of plan A and B on the website, I dont know how I would ever pull off plan B. I dont think because of the kids alone I could ever cut off contact with her. On top of that I feel a need for her affection too. I want to be strong enough to not be a codependant, but I dont think I am at this point.

Then there are many times we she is open and honest about her regrets for causing all this pain, how sorry she is, and how lost she is right now. She is worried about the future. It doesnt help me any but I dont want her hurting. Iwant her happy and healthy, especially if she is ever to return home. I believe her eyes are opening, only to shut really quick again. Its causeing me emotional turmoil, but I am trying to be the strongest person I can be.

I know I am probably making a lot of mistakes throughout all of this. I am really trying to do the right thing and be the stand up guy I am. I cannot help tell her I want her home, I love her, I miss her, and I am thinking about her. I am having such a hard time taking baby steps. This is the most difficult thing I have ever hd to go through.

Anyways, I appreciate all of your input so far. It is really helping, as well as the book, and the website. It is so good to communicate with all of you. Thanks

AZDAD

Azdad,

I am sorry for your pain but everything that you are doing is enabling your WW to continue this adultery and destroy your family. You are in a place and have found a program that will help you to restore your M. It is your choice whether to do that or not.

God's Blessings,

SDay

First of all, why the heck did you marry this basketcase in the first place? I am almost inclined to tell you to run now because this woman seems severly flawed. I know, you thought you could fix or save her, well, you can't. I've had plenty of experience with a flawed woman, and it's really not worth the hassle. That said, if you want to save this marriage, it's time to make her feel the consequences of her actions. Right now she is just fence sitting, enjoying both men meeting her needs. You need consequences to knock her off. First one is exposure. Expose to everyone in a position to put pressure on her to end the affair. Family members, friends, and the children that are old enough to understand. Your stepson should be 11, right? He would be old enough. I would also tell his father, her sister, and anyone else close to your WW.

Since your WW is probably a loner, I would start exposing on OM's side as well. I would expose to his parents, siblings, xW's, etc. Make your WW no longer worth the OM's while.

After a little while of exposure and a few more weeks of plan A before filing for legal separation. You want your WW to be locked out of the marital home and getting stuck with child support as well as losing custody. Now, one child isn't yours, but maybe you can talk to the lawyer and get her for abandonment. Maybe you can adopt the child first. I don't know, consult a lawyer. Maybe if she does take your stepson with her to be w/ OM it will ruin her affair because OM won't want to deal with her kid. Regardless, she isn't going to change anything unless continuing her affair is worse than the alternative. Make her experience some consequences.

Hey AzDad,
Warning: I am a noob, so there are others that have better advice.

I would have to say that since she has seperated herself from you, you might as well start with plan B. I would suggest not letting her back into the house, and expose her to everyone. You can't be played like this.

In the meantime try to brush yourself off, and make yourself a better person. It hurts I know, but it hurts even worse by her leaving a coming back. She is having her cake and eating it, and you are the one footing the emotional bill. She likes this situation that has been created. My wife wants the same situation. She wants to see me and the kids whenever she wants, and sleep with the OM.

I often think I am a nice guy too and an amazing catch, but in reality women don't like nice men. Being a nice guy is a syndrome and causes you to be an abused doormat. I picked up "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and it has helped me identify things that make me a doormat. It also gives nice guys assignments to help gain confidence, assertiveness, and recognize that you should focus on your needs directly before you are happy enough to fulfill the needs of your spouse.

I have noticed that when I am happy then it is easier to deposit love units in my WW love bank. She seems to slowly respect me also, but we are still in the works.

In the meantime expose, and cut off communication with the wife while she is out. You may have to work something out about the kids. They should not suffer.

I'm pretty sure he answered this in the first post:


I'm sure the OM wants no part of her kids, and is basically just using her for the sex. Her husband takes care of the family and does all the family stuff, then she goes to OM's place and has SF with him.

At this point I would start forcing the issue. Your WW is an addict, and you are enabling her. Force her to confront the consequences of her actions. The sooner she hits rock bottom, the sooner she'll change.

I'd also make OM's life he11 until he dumps your WW.

I guess you could say I am enabling this. I am going to research this site and my book to figure out what the best course of action is to take. I need to find the strength to do so. That is my problem so far. As for my children. They do not go over to the OMs place. See , he lives in a roach infested trailer with his mother. My wife, nor I will allow that. My oldest doesnt want to be near the other man, so my wife wont bring him around the OM.

As far as exposure. She has been exposed. Pregnancy kind of does that. Her dad knows, her family knows, her work knows, the OMs family knows. The only people who dont know are well, my family, except for my dad. I dont know what good could come of it if I expose her to my family. Her friends know. There just isnt anything left to really expose.

So yeah, I am being manipulated, and my emotions are all over. I just get these feelings when I am around her that she is starting to change, and then WHAMMO, back to how it was. I am starting to feel a little numb to the personal attacks and criticisms.

So yeah I am here with the kids while she is getting her emotional and physical needs met. And it sucks.

I wish I could make the OMs life hell but he is already unemployed, non caring, lives with mom in a trailer, low life loser. There is nothing to expose on him. I cant do anything to him that I can think of.

My kids are indeed my priority. I do nothing but focus on them when we get home from work and school. I took them to the snow up north Saturday, and we do things everyday together. I will admit when she comes over, I suffer from temporary insanity because while I still focus on the kids, I focus on her too, so my kids then do not have my undivided attention. I am at fault for that, but feelings take over I guess.

As for suicidal ideations, well not before this situation that I know of, but after there have been a few clues.

If nothing is going to satisfy her needs, am I at a dead end with this relationship no matter how much I want it to recover and thrive? Because she sees things in a whole different scheme due to her mental state?

Thanks for all the knowledge. I have learned a lot over the past few days.

Oh, and there is always some reason to not go see a doctor for mental health, the pregnancy, etc. She is about 2 and a half months into the pregnancy. She has still not made a Dr. appointment because of how her day is structured. She also wants to cancel her privatized insurance because its to expensive, and she wont go see a therapist until she has new insurance. Does not want to go to counseling with me either. She knows she needs to do these things but hasnt.

I'm not clear. Does your WW have a job and money of her own?

My ww does have a job. We have not seperated accounts yet, but her check goes directly into the account and I make our bill payments off both of our salaries. If I didnt receive any income from her, I would be hard pressed to make it work. Childcare for both kids comes out to about 575-600 a month. We also have the kids insured at 130 dollars a month. So I need at least half that plus a few bucks for groceries and stuff from her to make it through. My dad moved in for support so financially he helps a bit too.