I'm just exhausted and wondering why I'm trying so hard to keep my marriage together. He thinks that OW is his "soul-mate" but claims that there's been NC. I know that they have emailed each other. But I'm just getting tired of trying and spying. I'm exhausted. Why am I working so hard to keep this man? Why do I want someone who has treated me so badly? Shown me so little respect and love. Someone who would rather be somewhere else? And I also wonder . . . isn't once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater kinda true? Won't he just do this again? he's made such a disaster of our marriage and our financial security (my primary EN). There's just nothing left in MY love bank. I'm beginning to think that I'd be better off alone.

married: 12 years
DS: 8
DD: 10
D-Day: 12-09-09

D-Day was over two months ago.
Do you know about Plan A?
Have you been doing one? If so, what kinds of things have you been doing and how do you think that's going?

When did you expose?
To whom?
How?

Welcome to MB.

dim 70

Welcome to this site.Sorry you are here under these circumstances.

And I also wonder . . . isn't once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater kinda true? Won't he just do this again?

I have not cheated since 1987. I can't speak for everyone. I just know change is possible. This is a great support site for change.

Read all you can on the site. Did you get a chance to read the basic concepts? Its a good place to start.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Keep posting with questions.

Nesre

I am so sorry you are here too, but you are in the right place.

I think that is an internal question for yourself. What is it that YOU want? I am struggling with the same situation. I feel that my WW is not the woman I married, however after reading on this site I've come to understand that her current actions and behavior are due to the 'fog' of the affair.

I KNOW what I want for me, my kids and my wife. I'm working tirelessly every day to that end. That is a mutually enjoyable marriage based on respect and love.

Right now, that is not what my WW wants. She is deeply wrapped in the fog of her affair. She seems content to destroy her family, her finances and her sanity to pursue this adulterous relationship.

This site and the great people on it seem to provide the best path on breaking her from the spell of the affair.

It isn't easy. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life and I've been through a lot. I feel it is worth it because I have hope that it may lead to a better marriage and life for all of us, especially my children. Even if it doesn't work out, I've learned that these principles help me either way. If for nothing else, I can look back and know that I have tried everything possible to save the marriage.

I would recommend you read as much as you can and get the books Surviving and Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. This site and those books have helped me tremendously. Think long and hard on what you want for YOUR life and then take action!!

If they have emailed each other, there has been contact. If there has been contact, the affair is still alive and well, and that's why you're getting the 'soul-mate' fogtalk.

You won't make any progress and you won't start feeling better until NC is for real. NC = NO CONTACT - at all!!!

Please implement Plan A and listen to the words of wisdom that you will get here.

Welcome to MB, and God Bless

dlm1970,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My marriage was going through similar problems also, so I have no great advice like so many others here. All I can say is you are not alone. Listen to the folks here, work the program as it is set down, don't cut corners or leave things out because they are too hard. FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT!

Zeke351

It sounds to me like you are here looking for some encouragement to keep going, when you feel like all of your efforts will be fruitless in the end.

I, for one, believe marriage is for better and for worse until death do you part. I think you probably do too since you are here.

It is incredibly frustrating. We all know. Very few times does the wayward just admit they are wrong and seek forgiveness and reconciliation. If it were that easy, we all wouldn't be here.

I share your feelings. Personally, I don't know whether I should keep going on or not either. But, I have to know, for me and my children, that I did everything possible to save my marriage and keep my family intact. I wouldn't be able to live with myself otherwise. Also, I am learning so much and becoming such a better person through this.

In the end, it is all up to you as to what you can live with. But if you need encouragement from folks who truly know what you are going through, we are here for you, no matter which path you decide.

Good luck.

well, yeah . . it was a partial vent. However, I've been reading this forum for a couple of months now and I'm just wondering why we are all working so hard to get people back who have treated us so horribly. Also people who have complete and utter lack of moral compass who may or may not just do this all over again in another few years? I'm just really doubting all of my effort at this point.

I have read this site over and over and have read SA. I did expose to MIL, FIL, SIL's but couldn't get info on OW friends and family (she lives in another state). I tried plan A but must have completely got it wrong because after trying to pretend to be happy and smiley for a few weeks ended up in the ER crying hysterically begging to be medicated. I'm toying with plan B but I don't really have enough evidence just yet to kick him out. Problem is, unless I really have something good, I don't want to risk exposing my source. So far, the emails are once a week and would otherwise seem quite innocent. I figure if I bide my time they will either stop or get more intense. At which point I can move to plan B.

In the meantime, we are in MC and he is trying to figure out why this happened. Of course, in his opinion, it has nothing to do with his character and everything to do with her being his soul mate and him suffering in silence for the past 12 years. Ugh. Why do I want this man? The longer this goes on the more disgusted I am with him.

-dlm

DLM- the way I look at it, I don't want my wife right now either. Not in the state she is currently in. I buy into the whole "alien" concept and this woman is not my wife. I struggle on because I think that if the affair ends, my real wife may return.

I also have some hope from the boards listening to folks who have gone through the exact same thing and come out the other end in recovery. That provides me some hope. I know not all make it, but for my family I'm going to try as hard as I can to get there. I do KNOW that if she were to stop the A and TRY to recover, we can be happy.

Come here for motivation to continue on. When you have finally had enough, go to plan B. That is about where I am in this process too.

married: 12 years
DS: 8
DD: 10



The longer this goes on, you lose more and more respect.
You lose more and more hope.
You lose more and more reason to "try".

You've been married a long time, have 2 kids, which is why I think you ought to call the best, the Harleys.

IMHO, it's not trying hard to get them back. It's trying hard to figure out who they are before a decision is made. Are they the seemingly rational and decent person one knew before the A or are they the horse's A#$ one saw during the A. I think the BS work's hard becuase they want to give the WS every opportunity to succeed so that if one ends their M, they know, beyond any doubt, that they didn't leave a good person who made a mistake, but rather they left a bad person.

Awesome statement! I had to remind myself of that fact many times. Every step needs to be taken before plan D because that is soooo final, and it would be a HUGE mistake for all involved (spouses, kids, in-laws, friends, etc.) if it turned out that the wayward was really a good person who made a poor choice.

what about leaving a good person with whom there is no sexual chemistry? I've known from day 1 we just didn't have chemistry in this department but I fooled myself into thinking that we had so much in every other area that it wasn't that important. Obviously I was wrong. Can two people who have never had sexual chemistry but have a great relationship (well . . before the A, anyway) find a way to create it or should I just cut my loses?

From what I've read in His Needs/Her Needs and posts on this board, sexual chemistry can be improved. Like any other emotional need, it can be worked on.

These are just my opinions, but yes, I think you can solve the sexual chemistry issue. I also think it's wrong to leave a person because you think you fooled yourself.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but you didn't really fool yourself. If what you are saying is true (I'm not doubting your word, but people's recollections can change. i.e. my WW told me for some time we never really had the same interests and that's just not correct), then you made a choice to value certain things more than the sexual chemistry. Now, your contemplating changing that choice. Perhaps you've done enough introspection to know if this is the right call or not, but most times, it turns out it isn't. Most people have a tendancy to over value what they do not have and under value what they do have.

FWIW, in relationships, I don't think it's ever wise to make a "cut your losses" decision. This is a risk averse approach and no good things come without risk. And when it comes to ending a marriage, I don't think it's wise to make a speculative decision. I tend to believe in looking forward and testing it out. Which for most people means set yourself up an action plan, do it, then evaluate where you are at at some pre-determined time in the future.

So very true......