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OP
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ok so my wife had an affair and i know she still does love me even after saying that because the relationship got stale she knew we were over. dont ask me why but i know she does. but she doesnt want to give us a shot because she doesnt want the "void" that will come from wondering what if with him. what do i do. i mean i love her so much. i used to think that if i was in this situation i would flip and leave but i forgave her instantly and i have 2 kids in the mix. i pray someone on now has an answer for me
So is staying after my wifes affair a sign of weakness?
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Hi Rathamar,
Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.
The boards are quiet at night and you may find more help in the daytime. In the meantime could you please provide us with some info such as length of M, children's ages and whether or not the affair is still on going. If it is not, has no contact been verified by you? Have you read the 10 basic concepts and do you have any of the books? Do you understand the concept of the love bank?
MB can and does restore lost love in marriages.Even those that others tell you to give up on. Careful application of the plans can help bring about the end of an affair and the recovery of a marriage.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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ok well if you want this in a profile let me know but ill just provide the info here first. the marriage has lasted 4 years childrens ages are 3.5 and 1.5. the affair is not going on sexually right now but we are about to take a break and i know he will be present during the break weather or not she says he is not. i have not read the 10 basic concepts and do not have the books. ad the love bank is foreign to me sry
So is staying after my wifes affair a sign of weakness?
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rathamar
Do not take a break. Don't leave the home or your kids.
WW wants to cheat let her leave.
As to the affair not being physical sorry WW has been doing the OM. She wants this separation so she can do him 24/7.
Do you want your WW bringing this OM home in front of your kids?
Then do not leave your home.
You need to read up here on MB and learn how to do a plan A. Then plan A your WW.
You need to expose this affair. Again read up on exposure. Do not threaten WW that is does not stop her affair you will expose. Does not work that way.
You must expose WW parents and her siblings. Expose the OMW/GF and his parents.
How did WW meet the OM?
Gather proof of the affair. Phone records, copy emails and texts, digital voice activated recorder, hide one in her car and one in the house.
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but couldnt leaving with dignity actually gain me in the end both when she decides to stay with this guy or if she comes back to me because she wanted space and i gave it to her? i mean our love was real its just we came to a hard place and she is wanting to run. i have set my stones in the right direction and instilled a sense of unceartanty in this relationship she is getting into. cant that help too
So is staying after my wifes affair a sign of weakness?
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Rathamr 1 Sorry you are here and welcome to Marraige Builderss. i have not read the 10 basic concepts and do not have the books. ad the love bank is foreign to me sry Basic Concepts http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html the affair is not going on sexually right now but we are about to take a break and i know he will be present during the break weather or not she says he is not. By a break you mean seperate?? Read all you can and prepare a plan with the help from people on this board to help you. Again-Welcome you will find more traffic during the daytime. Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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by break i mean get some time away so if that is seperate then yeah but i dont want to think of it that way.
i am reading thoses basic concepts and i understand what i have read but i feel i need to get my wife to sit down with me tonight and see what she feels about this all.
So is staying after my wifes affair a sign of weakness?
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R1 but couldnt leaving with dignity actually gain me in the end both when she decides to stay with this guy or if she comes back to me because she wanted space and i gave it to her? i mean our love was real its just we came to a hard place and she is wanting to run. i have set my stones in the right direction and instilled a sense of unceartanty in this relationship she is getting into. cant that help too Think of whats going on right now as a war. Are you going to let her run to the enemy of your Marriage? Are you going to be Appeasing and accomodating to the enemy of your M? Setting your stones in the right direction is good. Instilling uncertainty is good if it can be done without angry outbursts or disrespect but probably is not going to STOP the A especially if you seperate. Your first major battle is to bust up the A. Read read read...Then Nuclear EXPOSURE so your W will be held accountable to all those around her for HER BEHAVIOR>Do not leave your home-Let her take the kids-or finance this in any way Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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R!
Educate yourself for right now.
If you bring her to this site now it would be like giving all you battle plans to your enemy or showing your hand in poker.
Educate yourself for now so you will know what an enemy you are up against.
When in A's there are chemicals released into the brain naturally that actually help to FOG up the person in the A.
Until your W has had some verifiable seperation from her LOVER its best not to try and educate.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF THOSE CHILDREN.
DON'T LET HER WALK OUT WITH THEM.
Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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R1 Promise us you will do whatever is possible to keep her from taking the children...Please. the marriage has lasted 4 years childrens ages are 3.5 and 1.5. Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Who is OM? Is he married? Who knows about the affair? It is a hard concept to wrap your head around but waywards become "addicted" to the affair and basically begin to do and say things that are very similar. So "space" means she is getting more serious about the affair, and yes, most likely it has become physical or is about to. Some of the mistakes you can make as a Betrayed Spouse is to keep the affair secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Another mistake? To think you can "talk" your wife out of this affair or to make your next move based on what she is telling you. She is in a fog and doing and saying all the same things that other wayward spouses do and say. Listen to me, she will tell you whatever she needs to in order to get you to NOT interfere with her affair. That's why you need to follow Plan A, which is your best bet to show your W that your family and home are the best option while at the same time creating as much conflict as possible in the A. The worst thing you can do is follow HER plan Read this and get your Plan A going! --> Carrot/Stick of Plan A
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i do want my kids i just dont think that the courts will think that i am the best one to have the kids. i mean if i leave i am leaving no where anyway. i am picking a direction and driving my 250 till i get far enough away to think or it breaks down. i would feel diferently if this was happening after we had a divorce but we are still married! and as for not running because it is a war i am forced to look at it this way, my asserting myself is driving her closer to him so i will do what she wants so that maybey she will actually do what she says and think without him in the picture. but even if she does i know that she likes to play fight and thats why im leaving my dog. the guy will get eaten. i mean the dog almost attacks me every time we play fight think what hes going to do to the guy. the dog is a great dane/lab. but im feeling like im doing right in my actions but my concearn is that if she feels as though a void would appear by not being with him, then unless she can shake that feeling of hopelessness in that and our marriage then she will never truly want to leave him alone
So is staying after my wifes affair a sign of weakness?
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OP
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ok ive read plan a and it scares the hell out of me and i dont know what to do right now i have to think but what is plan b
So is staying after my wifes affair a sign of weakness?
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R1 i do want my kids i just dont think that the courts will think that i am the best one to have the kids.
This could buy time to break up the A.
i mean if i leave i am leaving no where anyway. i am picking a direction and driving my 250 till i get far enough away to think or it breaks down.
Are you leaving or her? If you leave it could be seen as abandonment.
i would feel diferently if this was happening after we had a divorce but we are still married!
A's suck for all of us. Even WW's-the one having the A-believe it or not suffer emotionally
and as for not running because it is a war i am forced to look at it this way, my asserting myself is driving her closer to him
You cant control her but you can assert your responsibility to those children. If she wants to wreck her life there is really nothing you can do to stop it. It will actually help you to realize the only one you can control here is you.
If you want to save your M then EXPOSURE is the best chance you have.
Your W is under the influence right now just like a drunk. She is not thinking straight and can't make decisions well. How well does it work to try and get a good decision out of a drunk??
Take control of your M before its too late. EXPOSURE
so i will do what she wants so that maybey she will actually do what she says and think without him in the picture.
By appeasing her you are helping the A to flourish.
but even if she does i know that she likes to play fight and thats why im leaving my dog. the guy will get eaten. i mean the dog almost attacks me every time we play fight think what hes going to do to the guy. the dog is a great dane/lab. but im feeling like im doing right in my actions but
The dogs on his own
my concearn is that if she feels as though a void would appear by not being with him, then unless she can shake that feeling of hopelessness in that and our marriage then she will never truly want to leave him alone You fill the void by taking steps to fall in love with your W again. You take steps to make the M Affaitproof. DID I SAY EXPOSURE??? i'LL FIND A LINK TO WHY EXPOSURE IS SO NEEDED. nESRE edit-ADDED LINK TO EXPOSURE http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646
Last edited by nesre; 03/01/10 07:09 AM.
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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r1 fOR the moment dont make any rash decisions. READ-Post ask questions-Read-Make a plan-Read Ask Questions The people on this board will help you if you read -post-ask questions-make a plan ok ive read plan a and it scares the hell out of me and i dont know what to do right now i have to think but what is plan b Plan A & Plan B http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.htmlI have to go to work soon. There will be others that are far more capable than I to help. Keep posting and ask questions. Trust me others will help you Nesre
Last edited by nesre; 03/01/10 07:17 AM.
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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but couldnt leaving with dignity actually gain me in the end both when she decides to stay with this guy or if she comes back to me because she wanted space and i gave it to her? There is nothing dignified about abandoning your family so a scumbag can come in and take your place, Sir. Your children and your wife need you to stay there and protect your marriage and their family from this interloper. This is how little kids end up molested. If you leave, the OM will simply come in and take your place while you pay the mortgage. Is that what you want? Go check out this thread: Men, don�t leave your home!If your wife wants �space�, then clear out a corner of your garage for her, but DON�T ABANDON YOUR FAMILY. Many courts frown on it when men abandon their family. That is irresponsible and will not save your marriage. Tell your wife she can leave anytime she wants, but you won�t be going anywhere and she cannot remove your children from your home. Separations increase the risk of divorce, they don�t save marriages. Just think about it, if your car is in disrepair does it get fixed by going into the garage and fixing it or does it get fixed by driving 300 miles to Cleveland and �separating� from the car? I think you know the answer to that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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and as for not running because it is a war i am forced to look at it this way, my asserting myself is driving her closer to him so i will do what she wants so that maybey she will actually do what she says and think without him in the picture. This does not make any sense, rath. By leaving, the OM will be able to come in your home and replace you. You cannot get any closer than that. You will be sacrificing your marriage and your children's family to the OM if you leave. Don't abandon your family, rath. They need you to stand up for them now, not run. Running will harm any chance you have at saving this marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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rathamar1,
As a quick answer to your question...Yes she can get over him!
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE listen to the people on this board. In the short time I have been here they have helped me and my marriage more then I care to admit!
I understand how scary it all can seem, but their advice while difficult, frightening and intimidating WORKS!
They will tell you to do things that seem hard at the time, but have faith and understand this is a fight to save something you cherish and fighting can get ugly! You are not alone!
Zeke351
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