Hello all, I have a question that I have tried searching on MB and Google and have had no luck finding the exact question or answer that pertains to me and my wife. So I posted our story here before and we have talked with Steve 6 or 7 times but still don't know if I have found the answer. So I figured I would pose this question to you all.

Can sexual desire be created if it was never there?

If any of the former Waywards have the answer please let me know. We are struggling to find the answer or a way forward on this one. V/R Lvninitaly

Hey Pepper, yeah we used Skype and a Vonage lookalike. Any idea on the question I posed?

Well, this is really valuable information, because many times non USA MBers fail to use the phone counseling ... GOOD to know there is an affordable way around it.

Thanks.




What did Steve have to say on this matter?
Let's start there .... and build.

ABSOLUTELY!

You create it by falling romantically in love with each other, and you do that by following the MB plan for doing so - Which means avoiding love busters and meeting emotional needs...

The most important ones for doing this should be met during your 15 hours [more if you are a couple in crisis] per week: Those most important needs are your intimate emotional needs, which are:

intimate conversation
sexual fulfillment
recreational companionship
affection

Meeting those needs while avoiding love busters will ensure that you fall romantically in love with each other.

I know from experience that this works - I am a FWW, and my first posts here were essentially about that...At first this may feel forced, do it anyway - FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS...

I will tell you what I suspect though - I suspect that this whole "sexual desire was never there" deal is a history rewrite by your WW...How long ago was the affair...When was the last contact with OM?

Mrs. W

Right Pep, but what led me to believe he is referring to his FWW was this sentence:


But I could certainly be wrong...

Mrs. W

I would like to know this too. My H is the one who cheated and he has no sexual desire for me.

crumbling,

Did you read my post above about following the MB Program for falling romantically in love? About FEELINGS FOLLOWING ACTIONS?

In an affair, all actions are focused on the affair partner - the actions of meeting needs and having needs met - naturally the feelings follow...

A couple must focus all of their attention - [actions] on each other, meeting needs and avoiding love busters - When that is done, the feelings will follow...

If you live in the U.S.A. I would suggest going to an MB Weekend and learning the program for yourselves - If not, you can choose to do the online course or the home study course. My husband, Mr. W, and I can't say enough good things about the MB Program. This place and all of it's resources have been a Godsend for us.

I hope you will start a thread of your own and make yourself at home here. Welcome!

Mrs. W

Late night pizza and pasta??? YUM!

Mrs. W

Sorry I didn't say who I was talking about. My FWW is the one with the lack of sexual desire.

I know one of you had said that maybe it's the FWW way of rewriting history, while this is possible lets just say that she truly has never had a sexual desire for me and attack the question that way.

When talking with Steve he said it is possible that she has never and that she married me as a friend. So my question really is asking if this is true is can she find a sexual desire for me if she has never had it in the past. She is very resistant to forcing or as some would say (fake it to make it).

This is our only catching point in our relationship and it has put us in neutral for a few months now. We need a way to move forward.

She has had no contact with OM since last Sep 09, and has said that she never wanted to run off and start a new life with him. It was more about feeling a sexual desire for someone that she said she has never felt for me. She does want to feel this for me and wants to stay married but we just don't know how to get it.

Oh and sorry I didn't write back sooner, it was past my bed time. Not a fan of Vino, now the Italian food is great. V/R Livinitaly

MrsWondering, was our situation the same as yours? Did you every have Sexual desire for your husband prior to A? How did your husband or you convince you to act before the feelings? This is the part where we are stuck. Please let me know what I can do or say to get her to that point. V/R Livinitaly

Were you what could be called "A good catch?"

In other words, why did you marry? Why did she marry you?

Larry

Hi LvninItaly,

No, it wasn't the same situation, as I did have loads of desire for my husband prior to my affair, and it resumed tenfold after the affair.

I know you wish to attack this from the angle that she never desired you, but I have to ask was there real evidence of this early in your relationship? Honestly, the history rewriting deal for waywards is pretty standard fare, and I'll be frank, I just don't see why one would get married if they didn't have desire for the other person - it doesn't make sense to me.

However, yes, I still believe that it can be created using the MB program to fall romantically in love. As I said in my earlier posts, feelings follow actions.

That is true of everything we do, so it is likely that your wife has experienced this in her life though she may not have given it much thought. It's true for simple things like diet and exercise - if you begin eating healthy foods and working out, the results pay off - you start looking good, you start feeling good...If the house is messy and you get it sparkling clean - a good feeling of satisfaction follows...The same goes for work projects, and on and on...Where you put in effort, is where you find gratifying payoff...[gratifying IF the efforts are being put towards esteemable things that is.]

Motivation can be a tough one, I understand. But that is true with anything worthwhile isn't it? Once you actually get started, the task isn't so bad, but the motivation factor is the toughest to overcome...I always hear my father's words in my head when I am having a tough time getting started on something "the dread is worse than the duty"...

Even your FWW's affair should demonstrate the feelings following actions principle to her. I know that waywards love to romanticize their affairs by saying "it just happened" - "it was a magical feeling"...but I call baloney on that...All of the efforts that went into the affair were chosen actions - the ridiculous amount of phone calls, texts, emails and on and on...what those all have in common is that they are ACTIONS - it is not at all surprising that their feelings followed - "magic feelings" do NOT just come and overtake people...

In early recovery Mr. W and I did a lot of recreational things to get the ball rolling - we essentially recreated our courtship - Remember recreational companionship is one of the needs that you need to be meeting during your 15 hours/wk in order to fall romantically in love with one another...Conversation becomes pretty easy when you are spending all your time together doing the same [fun] things - so that made that one feel rather natural...Affection is also something that seems to flow more naturally when you are doing fun things and talking about them together - your affinity for that person can't help but grow...sexual attraction develops when all those other needs are being met - make sure that you are careful to avoid love busters during this time or else all your efforts will be thwarted...

Really all this is nothing more than simple choices. If she is telling you that she wishes to remain married and she wants there to be desire, then she must choose to act according to her purpose. That is what adults do when they desire a certain outcome - they set a goal - find out what it will take to accomplish that goal and then choose to act...

Mr. W had but one boundary at the start of recovery, and he stated it to me very calmly and matter of factly. He said, "I refuse to live in a loveless marriage". That let me know that I wasn't the only one with choices to make. I think it's very important for a WS to get that - many times it's a giant wake-up call for the WS when the BS lets them know that they aren't the only ones considering other options...

Mrs. W

Just a bit of an aside here though not totally.

I just watched the Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais on DVD and in the plot, no one found him attractive but a woman went from finding him totally unattractive to being quite so.
He met her ENs. It fueled her passion.

Well since my looks are in doubt I'll address that. First off I'm not a model but I feel like I'm a good looking guy and have been told so by people over my years. My wife has told me that she finds me attractive but she is not sexual attracted to me. Figure that one out and you will be my Hero. Also I'm a Leo and all Leo's are good looking or at least we think so.

Thank you Mrs Wondering for the long response. I didn't want to get into it with the original question but I agree I don't understand why she would have married me if there was no sexual attraction. She has referred back to our wedding night during a couple of our talks and how she was unable to have sex as evidence of her not having those feelings for me. Oddly enough I don't remember that happening that way and I have a great memory. But what happened 12 years ago can be fussy.

Does the rewriting go away after the fog or does that stick around long after?

Lvninitaly