Greetings, I just discovered this board over the weekend and I wish I would have found this community sooner. I may have missed some steps, but I want to get on track now. Here is my story:

I have been married over 8 years to wife, B. B. had a two year old daughter when we married, which I raised as my own. We had three more children together. The first 4-5 years of our marriage were fabulous. B was a dedicated wife and mother and all a man could want. Her father died in 2006, she slipped into a depression refused to really talk to anyone about it. We had always discussed everything, so this surprised me. After the depression she seemed to emerge a different person, she stated she now had a different outlook on life, and had realized how short it was and that people needed to pursue their dreams. This initially sounded great until I realized her dreams did not involve me and the kids. She opened a business with my financial help and backing and began a new life, a much more separate life from me and the kids. What started as a new outlook on life eventually became a new life and a person I would eventually not recognize. We didn�t begin to fight, we just began to withdrawal from each other, she was not as into me, and I was not as into her. We still functioned just fine, it just wasn�t the same. I brought up counseling several times, she said she would not go because a counselor would surely side with me. The new business and lifestyle began to cause quite a bit of stress on the marriage, she became more and more into herself and less and less into me and the kids.
Fast forward Sept. 2009, she begins an affair with a man who is 21 years old. I am 35, she is 31. I discover, and I leave her. I move back in within a week. I was miserable. This pattern continues thru Jan. She promises affair is over I come back, I find out it is not. I finally ask her in Jan. to please move out if she wishes to pursue the affair. She rents a house, again me and her go back and forth one day we are on and working on the relationship, the next day we are off. Same with the affair, its day to day. She breaks down a couple weeks ago and begs me back. We meet up and she promises affair is over and wants to work on the marriage. This last for about three days, she says she is racked with guilt and embarrassment and cannot even forgive herself, let alone expect me to forgive her. She says she doesn�t think it will work. This was two weeks ago, we are still talking civil and interacting, but when I try to talk about the relationship she pulls back. She has been hanging out with a whole new group of young friends and seems to really be enjoying that lifestyle. I am paying child support/alimony as agreed to with our separation agreement. I have the kids quite a bit; she is good about that at least. I don�t know at this point whether to continue with plan A or go to plan B. I am supporting her financially and emotionally at this point. I don�t get much in return, typically when I need support she is unavailable. I have learned that continually trying to convince her she has done a terrible thing to me and the kids is fruitless (read that today) so I will stop dumping that on her at this time.
I guess I just don�t know what to do. I want my wife and marriage back, she needs counseling and pro help, but will not go. I was in therapy but stopped, I am starting back up again tomorrow. I am lonely, heartbroken and just destroyed and I just want my life back.
Oh, and I didn�t know whether it was smart at the time, but I did tell her family and most of our close friends about the affair. I don�t know how effective that has been; she�s very angry about me telling her brother as he will not even speak to her now, and vice versa. She won�t speak to him for �taking my side��. At the time I did this because she was telling everyone lies, that she had been unhappy for two years and I was a controlling jerk, etc. She has since admitted that was untrue, but I cannot take back what I said about the affair, because it was true. She says she just broke mentally and now our marriage is broken as well.
Thanks in advance!

You are on the wrong board on this site. Click Notify at the bottom of your post and ask that this be moved to Surviving an Affair. Good luck to you.

bumping to the top

So sorry you are here, but you are in the right spot. Your situation is very similar to many others on here. I am no expert by any means, but I have been trying to save my marriage for the last 6 months or so.

I have tried my way and the MB way and have had more success with the MB way.

Recommend you start by reading the Basic Principles and many other links on the site, as well as some other threads. There are a lot of folks going through the same ordeal who will help you more than you can imagine.

Be brave and follow their recommendations. You are fighting for your family- don't ever forget that.

I would also recommend you read up on Plan A and exposure at this point.

Yeah, my plan A, has been less than successful. I am still very angry and feel of course betrayed, she is in the fog, although some days she talks like the old B. I was just flying by the seat of my pants and honestly in shock.
She went and saw an attorney and surprised me with a proposed dissolution agreement. We then took it to our family attorney and arrived at a separation agreement that was much fairer. This was done when we decided we must separate due to the constant fighting over the affair.
I confronted the 21 year old by phone, both him and his mother he lived with. My wife was friends with his mother and that is how they met. They both implied if I came near him they would have me arrested, they were convinced by my wife that I would react violently. I unfortunately in my younger day was a bit wild.
I am barely functioning, some days better than others. I am just devastated and feel so hopeless, we did not have a �bad� marriage. There were of course issues, and I am working on my problems, but she will not. She says she know she has problems, but is not interested in working on them. She claims to be happy, but frequently calls and texts me when she is feeling down and tells me how badly she feels about what she did.
The kids are young, 11, 7, 6, 5. I think the younger ones are only now realizing what is happening. She moved out Jan 15. We did quite a bit of seeing each other initially, with me spending the night over there and her with me. That has begun to fade off, it is just to hard for me to live in limbo.

Hi wattanmare, sorry you are here. You have done alot RIGHT in this situation and my sympathies go out to you. The first thing I would suggest is to cut off all financial support. A wayward should get no family money because that is enabling. Your other instincts are right about trying to meet her emotional needs and about the fruitlessness of telling her she did a terrible thing.


You did the exact right thing. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is the most potent weapon you have against her affair. EVERYONE should know about her affair, her parents, your parents, close friends and family, the OM's parents, facebook friends. Exposure is ruinous to affairs. I would expand your circle of exposures, MOST ESPECIALLY TO THE OM'S PARENTS. We have had many affair that were destroyed over embarrassment of an exposure to parents. As a mother of a 27 yr old son, I assure you I would horse whip him in the public square if i knew he was acting so trashy. His parents may have huge problems too. At the very least, he will not be able to bring your WW home to his parents, unless they are trashy people.

Exposure is very, very powerful, WAT.

WAT, have your kids been told the truth about her affair? If not, they need to know the full truth about why their family has been destroyed. And they need to know who the enemy is.

Thank you Melody, it is nice to hear that some of the initial moves I made were correct. My wife was especially made about the exposure and still sometimes says that will be one of the blocks to our reconciliation. I now realize that is common. Yes, the kids know, my 11 year old even told me about it one night early on. Keep in mind the 11 year old is not even my bio daughter, but she wanted me to know and make it stop. I told the other kids as well, I even told them not to talk with him. It is a bizarre situation as the entire family of the OM is friends with my wife and the kids. I of course never became involved in this circle of friends. The OM mom knows as well, I even called her and told her. She said she has no control of son, but told them both it was a bad idea.

Also, is there a statement I should make to her at this time. I was thinking something of along the lines, that I am going to show her I am serious about becoming a better person/husband and I hope this results in our reconciliation, but if not, I am prepared for that as well.

I dont know what to do next.

The statement I've heard the vets toss around here is that you are determined to protect and rebuild your marriage.

Hopefully, someone will come along with better wording.

The object is to develop a short concise statement along those lines and use it as your stock response to any gaslighting.

Let her know that unless she ends she affair that this will result in divorce. And that you will fight for primary custody of the children. She needs to know you will not live this way for much longer. And that you won't be her "friend."

Has the affair been exposed to everyone, WAT? Additionally, have your children been told that adultery is wrong and why it is wrong? See, your w will try to teach them that wrong is right in order to justify her affair.

As far as I know the affiar has ended. I cannot be certain though, but I know her behavior very well, and I could also decipher when it was "on". I have not discussed in depth with the kids, other than the 11 year old the affair, and why and how it was wrong. I was originally in fear of harming them or making her angry and her retaliating on me. One of her personality issues is when she feels she is attacked she resorts to revenge. She has threatened to call my employer on me and make up allegations, and other vauge threats that she wont elaborate on, only saying silly things like she has her ways, and I will be sorry etc. I think it is largely empty talk, but who knows.


Also, what is the time line for filing divorce?

WAT, have the kids been told the truth about the affair? Do they all know?

WAT, is she an alcoholic?

The kids all know, as it was a family friend and it became very obvious, especially after she moved out. He tried to visit the house, my 7 year old told him he was not liked and not welcome and he left.

She is not an alcoholic, however she has been overindulging on her weekend night out the last two weeks. I have seen her totally drunk, which is honestly out of character for her.

Not sure what WAT means?

WAT=wattanmare! much easier to type out!

lol, silly me, I looked all thru the abbrev's. lmao!

Also, I have just been kind of letting her contact me the last couple weeks, not trying to force things. Is that the right move. I told her today I was reading up on relationships and how to improve them, she said she couldnt even say the work relationship right now, let alone read about it. Not sure what to make of that.

wat, stop financing her affair. That's the first thing. And continue to let her know that you will finance ONLY your M and family. OM isn't going to like that.

Based on this and your earlier posts, you are a prime candidate for a voice activated recorder. I would strongly recommend keeping one on you at all times. If she's threatening to make false allegations, believe that she's capable of it. Too many posters have found out the hard way what their wayward spouse was capable of.

Martes