Hi I have read some posts but am still looking for some help so here goes my story. My H and I have been married for 14 years and together for 17 he told me about 9 mos. ago that he doesn't love me anymore. We went to one marriage counselor twice but she had to keep rescheduling so I found a new counselor. I went by myself the first time and then my husband and I were supposed to go but he now says he doesn't want to go so I have been going on my own. He says he wants a D but he hasn't done anything about it. Our finances are in a mess so I'm not sure if its that. He is always depressed and quiet around me its like pulling teeth to even talk to him. He says we don't have anything in common so I have been trying but I can't do it alone. We have talked about a seperation but financially we can't afford to live in two places and keep the house we have now. Not sure what to do any advice would be great!

Very sorry for the reasons you're here, Bulldog...very glad you ARE here...welcome to MB.

Have you verified through checking emails, cell phone bills, looking for a secret cell, keylogger, or following him for unexplained errands if he's having an affair or not? His statements (we call it the I-Love-You-But-Am-Not-In-Love-With-You speech ILYBNILWY), the nothing in common, etc. are common statements for those in an affair.

And affairs often occur in times of high stress--like your financial stress right now...death of a loved one, relative...job loss...major life changes.

You can recover from an A (affair) if you choose to...first step is to find out who the AP (affair partner) is, and expose the A, while in Plan A.

You can bust up an A alone. You cannot recover the marriage alone (you're right). Stop talking separation/divorce. Begin talking marriage. Do you have children at home?

You're not alone...I looked through trash, his car, our bedroom, his cell phone; because it was my job to verify the truth, not to ask him (he lied and said it was over).

If he isn't in an A, then depression may be part of the current disconnect. However, depression is linked to affairs, too. Just so you know.

How much time do you guys regularly spend playing together (Recreational Companionship - RC)? Have you read the Basic Concepts here?

Please take hope...most of us when we arrive think we've done everything, or can't do anything...and over time, forming a plan, we find a whole new way to live and love. You can do this.

LA

Sorry you are here, BD, but welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you investigated to see if he is having an affair? "I love you but am not in love with you" is the CLASSIC line of one who has found a new point of comparison, indicating an AFFAIR.

So, your first step will be to investigate [don't ask!!] on your own and see if there is an affair. Check his cell phone bills, put a keylogger on his computer [get eblaster from spectorpro.com] and closely monitor his activities.

Find out who she is and come back here and we will help you with the next step.

I checked his cell phone bill and found that he has been talking and texting a girl at work daily. It is a friend of his, our sons are friends and we hung out as couples together. She recently got divorced. He swears nothing is goin on between them but I think he is having an emotional affair if not sexual. Sometimes I think the EA is worse. I asked him to stop talking to her and as far as I can tell they have except I have no idea what goes on at work and it's the bosses daughter so I can't investigate it very easily. I am not sure where to go from here but I am ready to throw in the towel cause I can't stand the way Iam feeling. He won't look at me, he barely talks to me, there is no connection and he is not trying to get one. But he will always have sex with me. When I ask him why he says because its good but he still doesn't love me. Please help me figure out where to go from here.

BD, I noticed that you made a second post about your situation. It is usually more effective to stick with posting in one thread, because it's much easier for teh vets and otehrs to keep up with the story and give accurate responses.

It sounded from your other post that there is indeed an EA going on. You may want to get the thread moved over to the SAA board where it will get a little more traffic from those who are very seasoned in ending affairs, handling exposure, etc. With the work situation your WH (wayward husband) is in, it sounds to me like exposure would be a very tricky thing. But ultimately he will have to leave his job, or the affair will continue.

I encourage you to hit the notify button below your post and ask the moderators to move your post to the Surviving and Affair (SAA) forum. It gets a lot more traffic form folks who have waled in your shoes. Have you read the material here on the site?

ok, Bulldog, stop asking him about an affair and start snooping. Put a flexispy on his phone if he has a blackberry. it will show you the texts and has a GPS in it. [it is pricey, I think $350] OR you can put a voice activated recorder under his car seat. Get a digital one. here You can then buy a GPS and slap it on his car and find out if he sees her at her house.

Snoop like a bloodhound, stay completely silent and then come back here and we will help you with a strategy.

p.s. NED is right, hit the notify button and ask the mods to combine your threads and move it to Surviving an Affair.

I have snooped and he is not talking to the OW on his cell phone but I have no way of knowing if he is still talking to her at work. Actually, I know he is because he mentions things that are going on in her life so they are still talking. He insists that there is no A or EA. He says he won't go to counseling and that he just wants to get our finances straight and then he wants to leave. He commented the other day that he wishes he could just move out like my friend and her husband did but stay married. I am not sure what to do or where to go from here. It's really hard because he barely looks at me so I feel like crap all the time. How can I try to R our M if he doesn't help.? I really love him but fear I am starting to fall out of love with him. I notice that I am more irritable and little things bother me that never used to. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to push me into leaving or kicking him out. I am so confused much help is needed.

BD, the first step is to get evidence of his affair and proceed from there. Does he talk to or see her after work? Do they have lunch together? Do they meet somewhere for lunch?

Got kids?

Not looking at you is a sign of shame for a male.

Be strong. Yea, I know, easy for me to say. Well it isn't easy for me to say because I have walked in your shoes. And being strong was very hard to do when you think your mate is committing adultery. But you must do it.

Do you work?

Larry

I have been following and investigating they have minimal contact at work so I think he is telling me the truth. He is moving out on Monday because he says nothing is changing and he still doesn't feel that spark. I did get him to agree to go to counseling because I told him us and our family deserve for us to exhaust every possible option before we actually get divorced. But he said he is not going through this again so he is going to file for divorce because it will take 6 mos. before it is final anyway. Where do I go from here?

If he agreed to counseling I would make an appointment with for telephone counseling with Steve Harley asap.

How did you find out that they have minimal contact at work?

Read the articles here about Plan A and begin to impliment it in your marriage.

Definitely counsel with the Harleys before he moves out and keep snooping. They more than likely just went further underground.

Yes I work 50-55 hrs a week and my schedule varies week to week. I just ordered some of Steve's books so hopefully they will help. He swears he isn't cheating and that there is no one else he just doesn't love me anymore. Yesterday he told me he just wants me to be happy and he wishes he could just die so that it would be easier on me. I am worried about him because he anxiety issues and there is emotional problems in his whole family (bipolar, anxiety and OCD)

wow, Bulldog...your husband sounds just like my WH. Saying the EXACT same things, wanting to move out (mine did), the history of bipolar/OCD, etc.

It sounds like your H has gone deep underground with this affair because he knows you are on to him. My H did this same thing and I'm still trying to prove who OW is after 6 weeks!!! It all feels pretty darn bad, but the not knowing for sure is the worst!

I'm sorry you're here but you've come to a great place for support.

I have to trust that he hasn't gone underground because he has a long history of A in his family. His mom divorced twice once because of her A and then because of WH A. His step dad has had 3 A and H has seen how destructive they have been first hand. I think the thought of an A is there and right now he is getting his EN met by someone else. How do I compete against that?

Well, of course you can try to trust your H even if we all here all suggesting you to do otherwise.

See - we haven't seen a case yet where a husband acts like yours and still there is no A.

And you do admit there is EA!!

A similar story here

It sounds like the affair has gone further underground. The way to compete with that is Plan A: exposure, meeting his needs, etc. Exposure would ruin the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. That is why you have to get the evidence.

Have you tried putting a voice activated recorder in his car? This is how many affairees are caught. What about a PI?

No I probably should get a voice activated recorder but the problem is he is not calling or texting from his cell phone. He is probably talking to her at work or from someone elses phone so I am not sure that I will find anything out by a recorder. The true tell will be when he actually moves out because I do know where she lives and will have to start going by there to c if he is there. The good news is that he is staying with friends of ours and the wife told him adn me that he is not allowed to have OW at the house because we are still married and she loves me and will not be put in that type of spot.
Can't afford a PI.

Bulldog, does he believe that being "separated" entitles him to see other people? Does understand this would be adultery?