Ick, teen girls. I have 2. I'll swop.
Must be time for an update Jayne, you havent posted here since May

*teehee*

Ooooooh, this is paining me.... There are *exactly* 1700 replies to this thread... I *love* round numbers... If I reply, that will mess it up! rofl

Ok, I dunno why my last past was in May 2009. May 2009 is still in the future. I'm actually back in October 2008, and we are just moving into our new house.

Yeppers. Except for the problem with the carpet, we are back to moving in. After a year of neither of us having the time or energy, DH last week made arrangements for all my furniture to be moved out of storage and brought to the house. We had taken the occasional carload from time to time, bringing it down from 3 storage units to 2 storage units, but there was still all the big pieces (beds, sofas, dressers... a PIANO...) and of course all the small stuff we couldn't get to because of the larger stuff.

You'd think I'd be grateful, right?

Except we're also back to the "He has to have everything his way when it comes to where to put stuff in the house" problem. It's a little worse now, because this time it's *my* stuff; but it's a little better now too, because there are only a few options left for placing things, rather than a completely empty house.

But I'm still feeling resentful, so I'm feeling paralyzed... Do I put things away where *I* want, or where *he* says he wants? Don't tell me to discuss it, if you know me at ALL you know that's the first thing I tried, and the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th - 50th.

H got my hopes up the night before the stuff was due to arrive, by telling me to come downstairs to discuss where to put things. Even though I was exhausted (had just turned in a huge project at work that I'd been working on round-the-clock for the past few days) and my back hurt (been having back spasms) and I was starting to get a sore throat, I got out of bed and went downstairs, that's how starved I was to discuss things. But he didn't want to hear *my* opinion, he wanted to tell me where *he* wanted things, so that if he wasn't here when the movers arrived, I would know where to direct them.

So, what do I do? Let him put things where he wants? Or do what he'd do, and what his mom would do: move things around to suit myself? But that goes against the grain for me. Part of my fun is in the discussion. If I move things around myself (if my back will let me) I will feel resentful as I'm doing it. But I'll feel resentful if I have no say.

I keep thinking of the typical "scene" of the woman of the house directing where all the furniture goes... and the H even tolerating trying things in different locations with her...

I probably should be gushing over H's taking care of this huge task that neither of us could manage for the past year. For "letting" me have my piano in the house, and all the other stuff. I'm not feeling it though. What to do?

Do what Steve told you to do. Pick out the really important stuff and mention it, over and over again, until he hears you.

Or think of me, and be grateful that your H didn't turn the piano into a backyard swingset or some such thing.

I'm trying to sort that out... there isn't just one thing. I do keep bringing it up, but of course then I look really ungrateful. I am SURE he thought I'd be falling all over myself gushing about finally having my stuff. I've already found some pants, yay! I'll have more than two pairs of pants that fit now. (Yes I have more clothes in the house than everyone else put together... but they don't fit! Honestly!)

He probably expects me to just plain put things where *I* want. And if it isn't what he wanted, then he will just plain move it.

Then I'm resentful for losing the "fun" of discussing. And when he moves the things he disagrees with, then what? I could either move it back (childish games) or leave it (martyr). I've tried both, and neither approach feels good.

And I don't even get to enjoy the things that do end up where I want them, because I feel like the only reason is because that's where he wanted them anyway. When I tried to explain that to him, he took it to mean that the only way I'll be happy is if *he* is the martyr and allows things where he doesn't want.

That isn't it. Take the piano for instance. He thinks I should be grateful because I get to have it where "I" want it. Wellllll..... I originally wanted it upstairs. He said no, and with the furniture that's in there now, there's no more room for it. That leaves the downstairs. It needs to be against an inside wall, not a wall that has "outside" on the other side of it, because of the temperature changes. That leaves only two spots, assuming you don't want to block any doors, and he vetoed one of those spots. So when he asked where I wanted the piano, and I said the one remaining spot (which is the only logical place for it, given where everything else now is), he thinks I should be happy that I'm getting "my" way. And he wants credit for asking my opinion.

It isn't that I'll only give him "credit" if he sacrifices what he wants. It's that he completely dismisses any of my other opinions, and when I complained that he wasn't letting me have a say, he said "You got your way on several things!" When I pushed him to tell me which things, he could only name the piano. My view is that I didn't actually have "my way" so much as there was only one spot left, after he had his way about everything else.



(We've lost rotflmao!)

My whole family would hate him if he did that. This piano was originally my mom's... except my sister claims they bought it for her, and is mad that my mom gave it to me. If anything happened to this piano... lol

I'm confused, are you rehashing what was going on 5 months ago, or is this current?

Unfortunately, this is current... we are only now getting *my* stuff out of storage and moving it into our house. It's been in the UHaul storage place all this time. *His* furniture from Canada was delivered straight to the house when we moved in. The only clothes I've had have been the ones I had at his house in Canada (mostly just summer ones, with a few Christmassy sweaters) and the ones I was able to get to in the storage units without pulling everything out.

Question: If you had a huge family room, would you put your sofas and chairs around in one *big* circle, or would you have two smaller "sitting areas"?

jayne, Dr. H suggests starting practicing POJA on easy things, like doing a dry run through the grocery store, and then putting the groceries back. If you were practicing POJA in small ways, building momentum, would it bother you as much that you all have not yet worked up to putting furniture away in a way you are also enthusiastic about yet?

We don't have a huge family room, but our sofa, loveseat and chair make a circle. I think if it was bigger, I would still like it in a circle. But I could see how someone may prefer two smaller sitting areas instead. When we move furniture in our house, it's as a trial run, for two weeks. Usually the other person finds the new arrangement is fine, too, and doesn't move the stuff back in two weeks.

Ah, I see. For some reason I thought the great furnishing merger had been done all ready.

Hmm, well as always I can only post from my experiences and perceptions so I don�t know how applicable it will be to you.

When Flick and I first moved in together 'my' things were better than his so we sold a lot of his big stuff, and slowly sold/gave away/lost the smaller things we both had until we had slightly more than I wanted but enough to fill his hording needs.
When FIL died, and we had to merge that stuff in, we actually sold most of our stuff and kept Fred's as it was better quality and less loved by children. Again I feel we have a bit too much stuff, but Flick feels we could do with a little more. I guess we have enough to stop either of us feel overly sacrificial.

So.... do you need all the stuff you have? Is there an opening for maybe deciding what you actually need in your family home? From selling the surplus 18 months ago we ended up with enough money to fly the family to Australia for a week.

As far as the family room question, I would maybe have one big circle, but preferentially I would have the 'best' suite in the lounge, and have the lesser in the 'family' room so the kids didn�t wreck it. My only need for a large suite would be if I was hosting home groups or something similar regularly.

The piano... have you explained to him why you are not over the moon about placement since you really didn�t have a choice at all, in the same way you did us?

As a veteran of thousands of HGTV episodes, lol, I can tell you that two smaller circles is the way to go. Make them each have a function. One around a fireplace. One around a TV. Or the piano. Or a karaoke machine. Or...you get the idea. Place the furniture where it will get used, because it's placed for a purpose. That said, if you normally have 12 people in the room at a time, one big circle could work. But it's more likely it'll be the four of you together doing one thing, or else 2 of you in one place and the other two in another. Hope that makes sense.

As for your choice dilemna, it really sounds to me like his personality 'differenceness' (neatness, placement, etc.) is kind of being used by both of you as an excuse to let him get his way. It's just too much work for you to have to scrabble for what you want - and he knows it, IMO. I think he thinks "I NEED what I want, so I should get it."

There's a book I read awhile back called "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S." for men, but it really applies to women too. The premise is that you should reach an agreement on what are your "N.U.T.S." - those things you need to make you happy. You agree that you get to have them (example from book: getting to play basketball with the boys once a week) - within reason. And, because you get to have them, without the spouse griping about them, you have a responsibility to your spouse to make sure that their needs are met.

So, if a man needs to play basketball once a week for boys time, he acknowledges that he owes his wife 'home repair' time once a week, which is a major need for her.

Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, if you can determine those things that are that important to you - like having your piano in a DECENT space, not a neglected corner your H doesn't care about - you let him know what they are. You tell them they are non-negotiable. And in exchange for a POJA on it, you vow to meet each other's needs.

Not saying to have a fight over it. Just be honest about what is important to you, and don't back down just because he's more stubborn than you.

I hope that helps.

jayne, wanted to give your thread a bump, because I've loved hearing you mention the great success you've been having. There was a poster Ashlee asking for a success story last week, and was wondering if you'd oblige

Hi neddie...

I read your request the day you posted, and have been going back and forth about how or if to respond. (Gee, betcha didn't think you were posting something I'd have to mull over, didja???)

As much as I'd like to honor your request, I feel like I've posted similar posts in the recent past, and well, I just don't feel like opening myself up here any more, at least not at the moment. Maybe later, who knows.

*hugs* see ya later, neddie-gator...

Holy cow. Unbelievable. Curiouser and curiouser. Thanks for all the fish.

Sorry for the inconvenience

You've got msg...

U2

toe that line.

gaslight much?

Crazy.
Toys in the attic, I am crazy.
Truly gone fishing.
They must have taken my marbles away.
Crazy.Toys in the attic, he is crazy.

Crazy.
Over the rainbow, I am crazy.
Bars in the window.
There must have been a door there in the wall.
For when I came in.
Crazy.

I think it's gonna be a Rainy Day, women.

build that wall.