Read this on another post and was wondering if this really is the case. Most people so bent on leaving see their marriage as horrible and make it out to be even more horrible before they leave (perhaps to help justify it or so they won't feel remorse for doing it). So how often do WS actually try to come back?



10. It is the WS who most often files for divorce. Interestingly, Dr. Pittman says there is almost always a point when the WS makes an attempt to return to the BS, even after the divorce occurs, (although you may not recognize the attempt for what it is, and it may come as a result of the WSs desire to assure themselves of your continued love).

So far nearly every story I know of has had a WS make some kind of attempt. I even know of one who stood in the hall of the court during D proceedings telling the BS that they had tried to come back

ark, it is pretty common. We have had WS's come back the night before the divorce was final. Others have tried to come back after the divorce.

There is a sorta psychological study called "Narrative Psychology" If you look at the information on the net, there really isn't a clear, uh, narrative on exactly what it is. I have it from a shrink that a narrative is something that people tell themselves, true or not.

"Moreover, when disorder and incoherence prevail, as in the case of trauma, narratives are used to rebuild the individual's shattered sense of identity and meaning."

In other words, especially during times of stress, a person tells themselves something that makes them feel better. They rewrite history.

Another way of explaining it, is something called cognitive dissonance. This is where, for example, an impressionable female might say to herself, "He says I am good in bed, that must mean he loves me." Right. . . .

Lying is part of all cultures. People lie to you, they lie to me, they lie to each other.

Rewriting history is when they not only lie to us, they lie to themselves. And many, many times, they believe their own lies. Pity.

Finally, I can attest that yes, a wayward does try to come back after the divorce, in a weird sort of way.

Larry

That's the scariest thing I've read in days!!!

Arkhawk, you may find this interesting if you have not already seen interpretation

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2275600#Post2275600

Thanks for the responses.

As I've been preparing for what may be the inevitable, a friend of mine told me to be prepared because she will come back. Maybe before or after the divorce, and it may be too late, but they all try to come back and you need to be prepared for that situation. I don't believe that will happen, but the more I read, the less crazy it sounded.

Basically what happens is that the brain stops producing the primary infatuation chemical (called pea for short). They wake up in a state of coyote ugly, if you know what I mean.

Then they go looking for someone to comfort them over the loss. Uh, the former spouse gets the cookie.

Larry

Do the waywards who eventually wind up leaving ever really realize just how bad they actually were. I mean, pathological lying, cheating, cutting out family members, turning away from God, neglecting kids.....that's all horrible stuff.

Does the realization of what they've done haunt them OR do they continue their path of foggy thinking by justifying their behavior because of the unhappiness in the marriage. Seems like a recipe for depression or suicidal thoughts.

The memory is a very interesting mechanism.

That's my job - memory, learning, language, so I get to do brain stuff all day long.

Anyway.

There is a type of error of memory (one of seven or eight major or common error types) that cause us to believe basically that "if I feel this way now, I have probably always felt this way". In a watered-down explanation, what happens is that when a person gets to feeling bored or complacent or angry in a marriage, they tend to justify the feeling. The memory then tends toward looking at past events with the color of that emotion - leading to the error of "I felt that way back then, too".

{please feel free to substitute "wife" with "husband" and vice-versa to suit one's own preferences..........this is an unbiased example, I just went with whatever!}

However, with a close examination, the person can easily find that error and clear it up. In the cases of affairs, for example, the person may initially justify the affair by saying, "My wife doesn't understand my needs, and she really never has. And besides, she is a bad housekeeper, yells a lot, and also nags." This may turn to "She has aways been a yeller, nagger, and terrible housekeeper."

Then the affair is busted, and the need for justification may or may not exist any longer. So, the situation in life changes, and the error may or may not continue.

Thus, the "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" moment!!!! Suddenly, the emotion changes, and the person sees clearly that the wife was not ALWAYS a yeller - just lately - because of the behavior of the husband due to the AFFAIR and the sneaking around and lying.


So in the case of a divorce - what happens is that the divorce begins, and the couple separates. The husband is then out of the home and the emotional situation changes. The needs of the husband are now being met in a different way - and the clarity of "real life" shines through. In other words, the ERROR is now clear to the brain.

On MB, they often call this "rewriting marital history". In fact, this error is one of "consistency bias".

That clarity moment - the WS may have it once the looming divorce hits home. The reality of the marriage is being reviewed without the error, because it is now being done without the emotional attachments, no need for the justifications and arguments, the strains are released and nobody is pushing or pulling one way or the other anymore. The divorce is now imminent and the brain says, "Okay, so let's review."

And the review says - "Here are the FACTS. Once upon a time..."

And WHAM!!!!!!!

The truth is....we WERE IN LOVE! And wait a minute! We were in love right up until I had that encounter with that OP! And I did try to justify my stupid behavior and I did act like an a$$ and

holy cow

wait a minute


Did I just walk away from a perfectly good marriage?


Yep.


Crap.

I needa make a phone call........


SB

Very insightful.

I think in my case, she probably did fall out of love a long time ago. But now she sees changes and sees I am a good person and the perfect husband and father. But she isn't in love and doesn't believe it will come. OM shows up and bingo, there is the connection. So her belief is why work at creating something that, in her mind, will never happen with me, when it is effortless with OM.

Convincing her you can fall in love again is the unsurmountable barrier with me, and we all know how waywards take to rational, logical thought.

...and then there's The Leopard, who has a pattern of leaving husbands (and children) behind, moving on to the next, and never looking backward.

Which is to me (and to the therapist I've been seeing) a sure sign of a disordered personality.

These people cannot be educated or redeemed. Which is incredibly sad.

Especially when you consider the damage they leave behind.

Sorry to hear things still aren't well with the Leopard.
I'd like to believe my wife has some sort of psychological issues, too. Actually, I believe she might. Anything to help explain the crazy, sometimes downright evil, behavior.

IMHO, it's more about emotional maturity than psychological issues.


I think it depends on luck. Most of it is randomness. I think it haunts them if their quality of life is appreciably lessened by their approach, but sometimes people flit through life this way and come out fine. If it helps, most don't.

Ark after less then 2 months into his A, my XWH never looked back.

Our D was end of last year and now XWH is planning on M the OW. He re-wrote the history of our M and I feel that I might as well be Atilla the Hun. His M was never good, there was no love, he has never been happier.

Because of the A, he was demoted (his direct report), filing for bankrupcty and is totally estranged from his DD16 and mostly with older DD. He is certifiable in my mind.

I feel that he has to prove to the world he is "right" and this is the only way he can do it.

It makes me sad he threw away 22 years of M for a plastic pig.

My wife has me believing she definitely wants a divorce and has said that since Oct 2009. But, she is still here in the worst state of withdrawal ever. She says things like "Why don't you let me leave, why don't you just let me go" as if I am controlling her. I have no control over her, she's had 2 affairs!!!!

Not sure why she's still here. Probably because she is scared of being on her own and what the ramifications it will have on the children?

They believe we are holding them back from their true loves. We are the ones standing in the way so everything turns against us. The waywards do have guilt. They try to get us to fight with them so it will enforce their actions.

It is truly a fog and it is destructive. You can only protect yourself. When they see you do not fall for the drama they don't know how to react.

Funny how life works.

Just last night my WW gets her D papers. She is shocked. She says to me, "This is so sad. I was considering going the other way. I have been reaching out to you and being nice but you apparently don't think so. It has all been one-sided. I thought we were getting back together."

Was it a little satisfying? I have to admit yes.

But still, no "Godly sorrow" only more self-entitled delusional thought, that being, "I thought if i was nice we could just forget about the whole thing..."

SWW

I know it's not right but sometimes I wish the karma bus would show up.