I dont want to give up on her as nutty as all this is. She hasnt always been the best wife even before this, but we had some really great times, and in some ways I couldnt see myself with anyone else. I know this is nutty, and all signs point to running, divorcing, etc. but ...well, I dont even know. I just really love the woman.

azdad- I know the feeling....all too well.

Keep reading and come up with a PLAN of action, then stick to YOUR plan. It should at least give you some feeling of being in control of the situation.

Also realize that you cannot change your WW, nor educate her nor convince her on your own. Due to the A, she just won't be receptive to it as I have learned first hand. Listen to Pep and the others with more experience and then work your plan.

You are not alone my friend.

One question I had was while reading trough the website, that if I want this to work out, I give it 6 months from the time the A started and if there is no change then I proceed to do what? Divorce, formulate a plan b, etc. I am unclear of a good timeline to go with in regards to limit setting. I understand start with plan A. Like many have said though, I might need to go to plan b now. So what is this 6 months business? LOL. Sorry just wondering.

She has always struggled with her depression, long before we got together 10 years ago. I guess I was/am her knight in shining armor so to speak. She was on Paxil when we first started dating. She kept on it until she got pregnant with our youngest. She was a great wife and mother until about 2 years ago. She switched jobs. Her new job was unpleasant, her boss terrible, and she just had an overall rough time with things. Then her sister moved in due to legal issues, moved out, and then my wifes mother passed away in April.

As stated previously they didnt have the greatest relationship. So I tried to help her through all this, but guess I was not meeting her emotional needs, so in December the A happened and she has gotten worse tenfold. She keeps telling me she is so lost. Her family is on my side if there is such a thing and she has no support other than the OM. As I stated he is no winner. She knows this and knows I am a great dad and a good husband, yet still wont return due to guilt, emotional issues, the way she is, the way I am. I just dont know.

If emotional issues were not involved I would venture to say I might be better off with this. It would tell me I truelly wasnt valued and I could move on. But I keep thinking she just isnt in the right mindset. That this could all be fixed and we could have a strong marriage once she gets better. I know its faulty thinking but I have been with her for 10 years, 8 of which were great.

I am confused as to what to do. Do I ignore the affectionate messages, do I ignore her cries for help, do I ignore her hurt and pain, and her attacks on me because of it? How much should I take. I could take it for a while to be honest. I dont want to be a doormat, but I know it makes me sound like one. Anyways, somedays I am really opptimistic about our future and some days like today really pessimistic. She is going through a bad day, and I am along for the ride. I dont know how much of that is codependency and how much is unconditional love. I wish I knew who I was throughout all of this. I thought I did but I am shaken.

Thanks for your advice to this point Pepper. I appreciate all of it.

Well, let me just give you a few words and a recommendation:


Don't ever again, so long as you live, try to rescue a female.

This is like teaching a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Call the coaching center. Spend a few bucks on Steve or Jennifer and get professional advice. They can do more in a few sessions than most therapists can in a year and thus are way cheaper even though their per session charge is higher.

This is especially true if a child is on the way. That takes a level of help - note the closed forum that is devoted to that subject - than most on here are capable of providing up to and including me.

Larry

In between sessions, we will be here to help you over some bumps.

Larry

azdad,

Ok, I really want to give you a 2x4 upside the head. The issue wasn't/isn't and Won't be that you are not meeting her needs. Pep has politely been trying to tell you, but you don't get it. So I will impolitely tell you. Your W has severe issues and YOU cannot fix them. You never could and you never will. This is not an issue of meeting needs.

This is an issue of a unstable woman having children by 3 different men and then moving on to her next "target of opportunity".

You have some problems of your own. You have to ask yourself what made you think you could cure/help an unstable person? What made you think it was a good idea to bring children into a marriage where the mother is "always depressed"? How and where did you think your W would ever learn parenting skills given her background?

Son, until she seeks and receives good medical and psychological help, you have NO CHANCE.

By the way,if she goes off her medical insurrance you as the husband will likely be stuck with her medicla bills and that is likely to bankrupt you. At which point you cannot take care of your children. You need at least a legal separation and perhaps a divorce to protect your children financially or OM's child will ipe you out financially.

It seems to me if I am reading this correctly, you have a huge choice: being able to take care of your children by financially separating yourself from W or trying to save your marriage and potentially not being able to take care of your children. OM's child is going to cost you more than you seem to think.

You must clarigy the insurance and medical costs issue and you MUST protect your children.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL,

My wife has not always been like this. Yes, she has been depressed, but she was dealing with it pretty effectively until her mother passed. Then it went to hell in a hand basket.

I agree with almost everything else you say. I cannot fix her, I need to protect my children, and I am probably misguided in the fact that I believe its about meeting her needs.

I know I have some problems of my own as well. Mostly, I am a codependent. I am working on that and am actively seeing a therapist on my own, reading the book Codependent No More, and taking baby steps.

I guess I should have seen this coming, but I didnt. I honestly thought we had a pretty strong marriage. Two years ago it started getting a "little" worse, but I thought we would work though it. Now, I am where I am at.

As for as the insurance, it did not cover pregnancy, just other medical stuff. So, yeah, it looks like I will be on the bill for that. I dont want that, but that is the least of my worries. Financially I can figure that stuff out, at least for now. A child will definitely be considerably expensive, but it doesnt look like I will be taking care of the child. I dont mind the cost if I am raising the child. However, I will come to a decision about the D before the child is born.

You are right I have a huge decision to make, several in fact, but my children are my first priority and always will be. Thanks again. I am taking in what you said and appreciate the constructive criticism.

AZDAD

Thanks Pepper,

What you say makes a lot of sense. As does what someone said earlier in terms of not being able to fix her. She needs to do that for herself and until that happens, there is no working on us. I guess I have been in denial a bit too. I still cant believe this is happening. I hate/hurt seeing her with someone else knowing her feelings/memories are scattered through our house in pictures, notes, etc. I think the faster I come to accept and move on, the better mentally I will be too. I really dont want to give up on her though. I dont want a divorce yet. Maybe I will indeed call the Harleys. I am seeing a therapist for the past month and I dont think shes is helping, but I dont have clear goals either really. Cant figure out other than the kids, how to prioritize. Anyways, thanks everyone for the helpful insight and advice. Thanks Pepper.

AZDAD

Yes. Not having goals, makes decision making near impossible!


You and the kids. Don't forget that you are important too !!!



You're welcome. Sorry I could not be more helpful.

Prayers for your family

Yes, the other male is a total loser. My WW has medical insurance, but it does not cover pregnancy, not sure if prenatal stuff applies. She made an appointment today for next Tuesday finally. As for the drug concern, I do not doubt for a minute that they could have been possibly doing drugs before she learned of pregnancy. She stated that he saved her life, but wont tell me the specifics. So that is another contributing factor. I doubt she is using now though. You are right, just add up another concern, yikes!

Its amazing! Over 9 months ago, I posted this thread. I came back to this site yesterday and made a new thread in divorcing. I wanted to come back and see what was said to me, and its amazing you were all right about almost everything. There was no saving my WW, I have codependency issues/tried to save her/etc., and indeed she was using Meth. No plan would have saved my marriage, but I was stubborn, was going to make it work, and built uup a lot of pain, stress, etc. because of it.

If anyone who is reading this thread is questioning advice of the posters here, its normal, but from experience first hand, I would definitely investigate their advice. Definitely do not try to save the marriage on your own with your own theory. Everyone, including myself, think that their relationship is different, and they are. But as humans we generally react in the same way. Thanks Pepper and others for your advice, even if it fell on confused ears at the time. Its reassuring to know that you could see at the time what I was dealing with with my Ex, and myself. I appreciate it. Even though I still feel lost and hurt, you have all been amazing, nine months later.

Best wishes to you as you recover! As I'm sure you've already discovered, life can and WILL be much better and richer as long as you A) Stay away from toxic women, and B) address your codependency issues in some way. I'll bet you you'll have a beautiful, SANE woman in your life in not too long, one who loves and appreciates you.

Thanks for the update!