I have been wandering around this site for the last two days trying to find some help for my situation. My WH and I have been together 13 yrs and married 9 yrs. He has had an ongoing affair with a co-worker for the past 2yrs. A week before Valentine's 2009 he informed me that there is nothing between us and that being with me makes him unhappy; and he is unhappy because he is with me.

Mind you I was recovering from a yearlong illness that had left me unable care for myself. I was therefore unemployed and unable to leave post haste. Since his declaration, he has gone back and forth wanting to work on the marriage and pulling back again. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.

I have done my due diligence to find out all I can about the OW. I have the phone records, emails, & texts that confirm the affair. I even exposed the affair to his mother but she is timid and is afraid of upsetting her precious son, not that she isn't "sympathetic" or "disappointed" in him. In any event, I need some advise on how to expose this affair that would rock WH & OW's worlds.

Some background:
WH works in financial industry; very much invested in the image of himself as honest, compassionate, and trustworthy.

OW has a young daughter; believes she is "Mother of the Year" material; and an XH prone to roadrage.

Many thanks,
Octee

You are definitely going to expose to their work. You should expose to your friends and family. You should expose to his friends and family. You will expose to her family and friends. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE.

Any of your exposures should be done with a clear message of a loving hurt wife who wants to save her marriage. You will illicit any help that they have to offer. I will try to find you some examples of what you could write.

Octee

Sorry you are here. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Not sure if you read this or not.

Hope it helps.

Again Welcome

Newsletter on exposure

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

Nesre

this one was written by ridicsit


just make it appropriate for your sitch

If your WH or OW are on Facebook it can be an awesome vehicle for nuclear exposure. Are they on Facebook?

Thank you all for your responses. Both WH & OW are on Facebook. Regarding exposure to WH's family & friends I don't know how explosive that will be. You see, I recently learned that WH has been on a campaign for months badmouthing me to his friends; none of them admonished him to speak to his wife and/or counselor. They all believed that his set of facts were the gospel. I already exposed to his mother who has not confronted, prodded or poked him about what is going on in the marriage. The rest of his immediate family and extended family are head-in-the-sanders as well; they never deal with issues openly. Don't get me wrong, I am committed to exposure but I want maximum effect. I don't want to waste my energy on people who will molly coddle the WH. Any suggestions on how to counter head-in-the-sanders? I am intrigued by the Facebook suggestions as well.
Many thanks,
Octee

When you expose, you shouldn't expect any response. You should do it for this reason only, to expose this ugliness to the WORLD.

My exposure really didn't do much, but I am HAPPY about it because there is one thing it accomplished. Now my WH and POSOW couldn't pretend that they weren't the reason my M broke apart. They couldn't tell everyone that they were "just friends" until he left and then they so innocently "fell in love." Now everyone, including my 2 young children, know the TRUTH. That to me is the most important part of it for me.

Do you want to save your marriage? Exposure is a powerful tool to help end an affair. It is not about spite or revenge. You should do it if you hope to end the affair and recover your marriage.

MOST people are head in the sanders. That is an expectation when you expose. You choose people based on their influence and relationship with the WS, not because you believe they will set him straight. Most people are fair weather friends and don�t care. They would rather go along to get along to avoid conflict. But, you CANNOT PREDICT how people will react. You will not know who will confront him and who will not until it actually happens.

Rather, the benefit of exposure is to force the affairees to have to explain themselves and by doing so they are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so exposure ruins all that.

Imagine bringing in a crowd of onlookers to the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. The onlookers usually won�t lecture them, but it is sure no fun to get high when every one is watching you with disgust on their face. Or if there is no apparent disgust, the crackheads will wonder what everyone is thinking.

Occasionally, you will get the rare relative or friend who does care who will say something and that is just GRAVY on top.

And if his mother does not speak to him about it, then YOU tell him his mother knows and he needs to explain his affair to her. Just the fact that she KNOWS will make him cringe.

Good exposure targets are the workplace, facebook friends, and close friends and family. Facebook has been an extremely effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP�s closest family and friends.

About the Facebook exposure, should the message be sent to every single friend that Wayward spouse has, or just the people that you are familiar with or feel could be influential?

Can you copy/paste the message and send it out all at once?

And I completely agree Scotland, the TRUTH is so incredibly important. Especially when us betrayeds have had our lives slathered in lies for so long.

Octee

I sat back on exposure for possibly way too long. It is the FIRST STEP to recovering your M if thats what you want to do.



As so many others have said here on other posts Your M can survive the anger that may result with exposure but it wont survive the continuation of the A.

Food for thought

Nesre

I definitely want to save my marriage. Thank you for setting me straight about exposure: it is about ruining the secrecy and the fantasy not about revenge. I have to get to work drafting a letter to send out to the friends and family. I think I'll use the guest list from our wedding; after all it was an intimate affair for family and close friends.

Many thanks,
Octee

Octee,

How old are you and WH? Do you have children? If so, what are their ages? I ask these questions to give us some more context to help give you the best advice possible.

I'm 42; WH is 36; no children. WE had put off having children until we were settled and could buy a home etc. I have another question about intimacy. Should I refuse to have sexual relations with WH? I've seen many differing views on other forums and books about it.

Many Thanks
Octee

Personally, I don't think you should have SF if you know your WH (wayward husband) is in a PA (physical affair). STD's should be a real concern. In fact, you should get yourself tested if you haven't already done so.

So very true.

Keep asking and posting on here. There are Vets on here that have way more experience than I that will help you.

POST DRAFTS HERE AND GET THEIR OPINION BEFORE SENDING.

THERE EXPERIENCE WILL HELP YOU GREATLY ALONG THE WAY.

nESRE

You have come to the right place for saving your marriage. Hopefully, Mel will be posting to you soon. Follow her lead very closely. It will give you the absolute best chance.

MS

ML did post on page 1.

3 post came in close together.

Nesre

Do you want to have sex with your WH after he had unprotected sex with OW?

SF is high on the list of ENs for most men. I would have *protected* sex because if you aren't filling that need then OW is and for men it is usually a powerful source of intimate feelings.

Everyone is different. Some folks can't stomach the idea of SF with an unfaithful spouse.

My feeling is that if you are in Plan A you are supposed to be moving heaven and earth to meet your WH's ENs and to not do so, when you could, is a mistake.

But use protection. Don't gamble your life.