I'm at a lost. I'm not sure whether I'm at the discovery of an EA or recovery mode of our marriage.

I discovered my husband's affair a couple of months back. I have been snooping around to gather evidence and confront him at the right time. The time came. He told me that he was going overseas with some friends, no details given. I knew he was going on a trip with the OW.

I took the decision to keep his passport so he could not go. On the day he was to leave, I went to work as usual and he searched the entire house for his passport. He could not go out of the country, but that does not make him stay in the house. He left and did not come home for 3 nights. He tried to stay in touch, saying he's okay and all, but I gave up on him. I did not reply to his messages. On the day he was supposed to come (don't ask how I know when he's going to come back, it's wife's instinct), I had a new lock installed at our house. I stayed away for the night. He was furious. That night he pronounced his divorce on me.

In my religion, once pronounced, it's considered official. Any revocation, needs to get the courts involved. He regretted it and called me. Told me that he has never meant to forsake me. He wanted me back. I wanted him to leave the OW, before we went to the courts to request for a revocation of the divorce.

He agreed. But they are working in the same place and it's difficult to know if they are still together. His colleagues told me that they have been lying low. He did admit that he sometimes text her or "bumped" into her on the way home. I can't really track his movements all the time. I'm just too tired to do so, after several months of snooping.

Now that we are back together, I feel that it's worse than before. I feel the need to constantly check on him. He told me several times that they are no more together. His main concern is that she is suicidal and did not want anything to happen to her. After we got back, he made efforts to be with the family, meeting me after work and spending more time together. But I knew that he is secretly texting her and instant messaging her on the net.

One day about a month back, he told me that he was fetching some books before meeting me. He told me where he was at that time. I happen to board the same train as he did and guess what, she was with him. I turned around and exited the train. He saw me and ran after me to console me. He said that proximity at work is tempting him. He has since asked for a transfer. I have yet to find out if that is the truth.

I'm broken-hearted. I feel stuck because I feel alone in this. The advantage I have now is that he does not have much opportunity to be with her. However, being an opportunist my husband is, he will find ways to sneak moments together. But I can't really tell for sure.

What can I do now? At this moment, I'm trying to show him that I'm happy, even though deep inside, I'm dying a slow death. Whenever he goes out to make me and my daughter happy, I will show appreciation and all that. Trying to deposit as much love notes into his bank account as possible, so that eventually, it will tip to my favour. Will this ever happen? Should I wait for that to happen? Or will he continue to be in contact with the OW?

Hanagem

Sorry you find yourself here. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Its a sleepless night for me so I will try to help if I can. There are others with way more experience than I that may be able to help you better. There is way more traffic during the day.

Could you help all of out a little bit and let us know your ages, how long married, children? Sometimes it helps us to put your situation into perspecttive.

Working on a little more just want you to know your not alone.

Nesre

I'm married for 7 years. This year is our 8th year.
My husband and I are both 35 years old this year with 1 daughter aged 3 years old.

Without no contact, there will be no recovery.

Dr Harley, the founder of this website, states that prerequisite for recovery is "never see or communicate with the lover again" in here

Do you have your answer?

Hanagem



As long as he keeps seeing her you will have a hard time building up the love bank account. His account actually appears to be building up with her. With discovery of the A it appears to have gone further underground.



It is extemely hard to make your marriage (M) work when husband works with the OW (other woman) As long as he sees her at work the A continues. You must confirm that he is going to transfer.

You seem to have some knowledge of the MB board but I encourage you to read all that you can here. Post questions when you have them. There are posters here with way more experience than I. Together a plan can be developed that can best help your M to survive and be restored.

Are you in the US?

Nesre

As you can see, this will never work unless one of them leaves the job. Recovery is impossible unless they end contact completely. The affair is on as long as they continue to see each other. They have just gone further underground. This is how 1 month affairs turn into 10 year affairs.


Is the OW married? if so, I would expose the affair to her husband. I would also send a letter to their Human Resources department about the affair. Everyone should know about the affair.

Please go pick up the book Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand what is happening here.

here

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be mailed/delivered to the Director of HR, with cc's to a key VP and the infidel's supervisors. It should go to 3 people with all being cc'd so that no one is tempted to throw the letter away.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Hi everyone, thank you for your warm replies...

One of my conditions when we were getting back together was that they should not have any form of contact anymore - no texting, no meet-ups, no IM online, whatsoever...

But I knew that the nature of their job would probably require them to be in contact somehow. I'm not living in the States where you can move from one state to another. I live in a small country, where hubby's proximity with the OW is inevitable. In my country, you can reach one end to the other in half hour on public transport. So I'm often calculating the time and duration with regards to his location, etc.

I know Dr Harley's first and foremost condition for a full recovery is no contact with the OW. Well, I already put forth my condition to him and he agreed, but it does not seem to be working, doesn't it?

I often check his MSN and last night, the OW just messaged him when he was offline, saying how much she missed the old times and all and how she wished she could turn back the clock.

The last sentence crushed me. She said, "I promise not to be late when we meet." I'm very upset. I do not want him to carry on this affair on the side for years to come. I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any suggestion for a plan I should undertake at this moment?

Please hang in there. Read all that you can on this site. It will help you in developing a plan of action. He obviously has not stuck to no contact, so there will be some tough steps ahead. You have recieved some great input so far.

I am confused. Don't they work together? Working together is the PROBLEM. This won't change unless that changes.

As long as they work together there is nothing you can do.