Just found the MB forum recently and thought I�d share my story in the hopes that I can get some feedback from the MB community, as my situation has �progressed� pretty rapidly.

Quick synopsis of our relationship: met W in 1999, short courtship (moved in after 3 months), very sexual relationship and got pregnant around the time we were engaged (~9 months after dating). Very active/intense sex life until the kid came, then pretty non-existent sexually from there (probably had sex 2-3 times between the first and second kid, and haven�t had sex in about 6 years (when we conceived #2). Definitely both poured ourselves into the kids and did not pay attention to each other. We have 2 boys, age 9 and 6.

She�s been a SAHM for 10 years now and she has (undiagnosed) ADHD and pretty major mood swings (I�d say 2 weeks out of the month we are all walking on eggshells and not much will set her off) � however, she just accepted a 30 hour/week job here in town (running a weekly craft show).

Our relationship has deteriorated over the years (both our faults � not dealing with normal conflict and stuffing those regrets/frustrations down instead of discussing them) to the point that we were bickering often (many times in front of the kids) and both are generally not happy.

Even though she�s home alone 6 hours/day (now that the youngest is in elementary school), I do about 80% of the household chores (house cleaning, dishes, laundry) + have a stressful job (and take care of the kids from the time I get home every night and pretty much the entire weekend/time off). Is a very inequitable situation�she�s also a shopaholic, which has caused lots of financial issues for us. Feel like a doormat at this point.

Bought the Divorce Busting book (which I know many here have used) about 6 months ago (when I was at the end of my rope in the marriage), and actually started using some of the techniques in 11/09, when things actually started getting better � we were both saying we were �reconnecting�, pledged monthly date nights, etc., and felt the ship was starting to turn around. Also started really talking about what was going on with us and our relationship (have talked more in the last 2 months than probably last 6-8 years), or so I thought.

In the meantime, she had started initially to reconnect with an ex-boyfriend (from 20 years ago) via Facebook, and it progressed from a renewed friendship to a EA to �real� affair (she slept w/ OM on the weekend of her birthday in early January � had gone out of town for 4 days as her �birthday present� from me to get a break from me/the kids and to recharge the batteries). OM lives in another city about 300 miles away. I had suspected it and confronted her 3-4 times before she left for the trip/the affair actually happened (denial, denial, denial).

Was also in OM�s town after Christmas (the whole family) and happened to look at our cell bill and saw 20+ texts a day (on some days) between W and OM when we were there and before/after and she �shopped alone� on one of the days of the trip (still don�t know if she hooked up with OM that day or not, but highly suspect it).

On 2/1 (�Discovery Day�), W had left her old cell phone out and I found a message confirming the affair (�sex was indescribable�, �you have a hard choice�), and have been on a roller coaster since then. Told me she no longer has romantic feelings for me (and I think is dealing with a MLC � "don't have anything other than my kids", �will I ever love again� �what am I doing with my life� �have been in co-dependent relationships my whole life�).

We initially agreed to try to work on �us� through the end of June (when school lets out) and to stay in the house � we are both still in the marital bed - but that she has �feelings� for OM and is trying to work through this. (She did go out of town for 4 days this last weekend and know that she saw him).

Therefore, when she got back (March 1), I told her she needed to move out and that I would no longer live like this, while she has an ongoing EA/PA. That I think woke her up a little bit, and she agreed she would go to her parents for a week and from there forward cease all contact with OM (and �really try� between the 2 of us).

I have NOT �exposed� the affair yet (except to my sister, who has been my confidante through all of this) and have talked about all of our �other issues� with some friends (she has not talked to anyone but me and OM about this).

After she gets back, she�s agreed to start seeing a MC with me (I saw her this week and am trying to convince her to have an individual session before she leaves for her parents). Already know, per seeing her computer history, she�s looked into bus tickets to go to OM�s city and that I�m sure she�ll plan to see him.

Some text from an email she sent me after I asked her to move out on Monday is below so you can see her frame of mind:

�I feel like you just want to move on without me, which is understandable, I guess. I am sorry that I have kept in contact with him, but I feel like a stranger in my own house. There is no one for me to lean on or to talk to, but I realize how you must feel about that. Now I do. I didn't really think about it before, so I really am sorry. I think emotionally I feel like I have no support, which is hard, so I'm just trying to find a way to get that. But I really had made the decision this weekend to do what you asked about going away for a week or something and cutting all ties. I don't think that a month of awkwardness and hurt feelings can cancel out 10 years of our lives together. I wasn't ready to give up yet, though it certainly sounds like you are. I guess you need to do what you need to do, but I wanted to at least try. *Really* try, not coast along like it's been these past weeks. I guess you need to decide then.�

Looking for some advice out there on this � have considered exposure and need to be ready to kick her out of the house if she doesn�t abide by the �no contact� (I know also financially she was concerned I would kick her out �with no money�)

I guess, in my heart, I really don�t believe she�ll break off contact but know that�s the only way we can even begin to try and deal with this. Trying to be patient but can�t keep living like this. Thanks.

Together: 10 years
Married: 8 years
Me: 42
Her: 40
Affair suspected: 12/09
Affair discovered: 2/1/10
B: 9
B: 6

You need to expose far and wide, starting with her family - especially her parents. Is she really staying with them or is that just what she told you? They need to know so they can put pressure on her to end the affair and come home.

Is OM married? If so, expose to his wife. It doesn't matter if WW tells you they're separated or any drivel like that.

Have you both been tested for STD's? Did she use protection with the OM?

If she's really willing to do marriage counseling -- the get her to the next marriage builders weekend!

The next one is May 14-15 in Minneapolis.

Thanks, bitbucket. She told me she's staying w/ her parents (but saw she's looking to bus transpo to OM's town per her computer history) - did say "he's not to blame here and I need to be able to say goodbye" (didn't say HOW should would - haven't had that conversation yet).

OM is *NOT* married - they are FB friends so I can see his friends (but am obviously not his FB friend) - creepy to think he knows what me & my kids look like!

We haven't had sex in 6 years (and don't plan on it anytime soon), so no STD problems on my end, for now...

I'm of the belief that you don't expose until you see they are in contact again. Let her know there will be consequences if she does (but don't hint at what) because you will not accept a 3rd party in your marriage. Give her a little rope and let her hang herself. Then when she contacts OM again (which I'm sure she will), send out a nuclear exposure. Contact her parents and siblings, contact OM's parents and siblings, and send out a facebook message to all her and OM's contacts saying: "This is WW's husband. I recently found that WW and OM have been carrying on a sexual affair for the last X months. I am exposing to try and put an end to the affair which she has promised to break off but has failed. Please keep me and my family in your prayers."

Let the **** hit the fan for a few weeks. She'll be spewing venom, but it will die down after a couple of weeks. Than you let exposure kill the affair, and start working on your marriage after several months of withdrawal have been completed.

In the meantime, start reading up about plan A on this site, and try meeting the emotional needs your WW will let you meet and avoid arguments, relationship talks, and other love busters.

NLG...

Your wife's affair mirrors my own from 2005 identically [My husband, Mr. W, and I are recovered]...Know what ended my affair? Exposure. A bit different than it's normally done around here, but it was exposure nonetheless - I exposed the affair myself to my mother - that was all she wrote - unbeknownst to me, my mom and Mr. W conspired and since she had known OM since we were children, she called him and threatened him to within an inch of his life - told him to end it immediately and NOT to tell me why, or else - Threatening is usually a very bad plan, but since my mom knew some things about OM, it worked...HE ENDED IT THE VERY NEXT DAY...I didn't find out until about a year and a half later - I was out of the fog by then, thank God...

My point is, I can almost guarantee you that this will not end without exposure...I know you are scared of it, but your marriage can survive your wife's anger, it cannot and will not survive an ongoing affair...

This is a VERY powerful addiction - your family is under attack, I implore you to act to save it...

Mrs. W

Make copies of her FB friends and OM's FB friends now, while you have access to that information. Store it in a safe place. If OM gets nervous he could unfriend WW and there goes a huge portion of your plan.

Is her computer a laptop that she has with her or does she use a PC at home? If at home put a key logger on it now while she's not around to see you do it.

If she has promised no contact with OM then I'd follow Jim's advice above. If she has NOT then I'd expose now.

Are the kids with you right now or with their Mom at her folks' house?

Welcome to MB, sorry you're here, but you're in a good place. You will get lots of good advice, and we're all a family here so feel free to vent anytime.

Ahhh - Facebook comes through again as a great tool for those prone to wonder. My FWW hooked up with an old friend on FB and used it as the main means of communication. Welcome to the FB haters club . . .

Your situation ('sitch' on here) is very familiar, so know that you're not alone by any means.

What you're hearing is fogtalk ('I've been unhappy for years', 'He understands me' yadda yadda yadda). Don't pay any attention to any of it.

I'm not sure I agree with waiting to expose. Exposure and the no contact (NC) agreement are the two biggest differentiators as far as I'm concerned. You won't make any progress until all contact stops, and you can put a stop to the contact pretty quickly if you blow up the secrecy of the affair by exposing.

I guarantee that she is going to see POSOM rather than her parents. Why let her do this? She just wants to boink him a few more times at your expense. And don't believe for a minute that she'll cut off the A after she gets back. That's pure BS. They'll just take it further underground, especially the EA part. Sorry to be so blunt, but WWs are like addicts and will do anything to continue getting their fix - the affair.

I say expose now, and do it big time. But I'm still a 'newby' here, so take that advice for what it is.

As I said, you're in a good place. Read everything you can on this site, and listen to the advice, especially from those who are fondly referred to as the 'vets'. You'll know who they are when you hear from them.

I don't buy for a second her promise to end contact - I've walked in those exact same shoes - no way...I would absolutely expose this affair...NOW...

Mrs. W

Your wife has absolutely no intention of ending contact, NLG...I pray that you listen to me - expose this affair...Her parents MUST know...

Mrs. W

Find OM's parents and call them, NGL...OM in our situation wasn't married either - parents are terrific exposure targets in these scenarios...Make your wife too much hassle for single OM - show him why a single woman would be a MUCH wiser choice...

Mrs. W

Expose to her parents immediately. You may not get the help that I did but you've got to see that, right now, from their standpoint, it appears YOU did something wrong to drive your wife out and your wife will take advantage of that to spend as much time "thinking" alone as possible. Her parents need to know why she is there and what she is doing if she takes some bus trip or other overnight trip.

I hope they will be on your side but either way...exposure is better than enabling the continued destruction of your family.

I KNOW how hard it is and yes the crapstorm you'll get from your wife afterwards will be intense but, nobody here has ever regretted doing the right thing. Exposure is the first step to recovery even if you wife tells you afterwards it was the last straw or the straw that broke the camel's back. Your marriage can survive her upset...it won't survive her continued affair.

Mrs. W's recommendation to expose to OM's friends and family is essential as well. Over the years of being here, we've seen it time and time again. It's MUCH easier to get the OM to end the affair (for whatever reason but most likely because it has become way to big a hassle and he actually fears the BH) than to get a WW to extricate herself from "assoul-mate" addiction.

This must be a two-pronged exposure.

On another note...back in 2005 I went through a decision process at this exact stage that you find yourself in today. The question was...do I really want to stay married to WW? My wife went on a similiar trip and even though I resisted her going, a part of me figured I'd have that time to make such decision about MY LIFE and WHAT I WANTED. Fortunately, I determined I just couldn't make a decision. I was a mess and during that "trip" I dove into Marriage Builders and decided that I would at least give saving my marriage a try and see what happened. I had no intention of a ONE YEAR Plan A, but I figured 5 or 6 months would be doable. I had read stories here and elsewhere of couples that actually recovered and thrived after an affair. We were a couple much like you. My wife was detached from life and through utilizing MB and posting here TOGETHER the last 5 years we have saved our marriage and now have a better marriage than I ever thought possible, even prior to my wife's affair. It CAN happen.

You are in a bad situation. Unfortunately, in my opinion, getting your wife out of the affair has more to do with getting OM to end it. You don't have a lot of control over his choices but the harder you attack this with exposure and other techniques the better your chances. Then...once the affair is over, the recovery process is where you'll really have the time and opportunity to assess your situation and hopefully turn your LIVES (plural) and marriage around.

In my opinion, it's far to stressful a time to decide today whether to divorce or not. You can always divorce later. The option will remain biblically yours for quite some time. So I suggest you saddle up to the MB plan and give her, your kids and yourself a shot at saving this. Even if you fail (her loss) you won't regret trying.

Exposure and then Plan A is the plan TODAY.

Mr. Wondering

You need to gather all FB contact info for OM and WW.

Then you must expose to WW's parents, and her siblings. OMW/GF, OM parents and FB friends list of the OM and WW.

Try to get this done today before WW goes away for another weekend with the OM.

You have another advantage similiar to what I had. The other male in our life lived several states away also and I had the advantage that my wife wouldn't be able to take our daughter with her if she moved there eventually. Worst case, I would have gotten 50-50 custody here in Michigan which wouldn't have given her enough custody to modify it with a move out of state without my consent. There was no way broke back OM was going to move from the south to Michigan and leave his daughter from his first marriage behind so there was no realistic future for their relationship to begin with.

I doubt the other guy in your situation has any intention of moving to your city. He got into it without thinking with an old aquintance from High School and he may think he's got some feelings for her but when push comes to shove...he's gonna see how nuts your WW is (cause all waywards behave nutty ESPECIALLY AFTER EXPOSURE) and he's just going to call it quits.

The faster you expose this...the faster OM will bail as he'll be forced to make a decision. Absent exposure...such decision will just be put off...until tomorrow and then the day after that and so on. Exposure prompts decision making...and one way or another...you get your answer.

Mr. Wondering

Looks like the votes are in:

EXPOSE

Start getting your life back, and maybe even your wife

Thanks, everyone - I really appreciate this.

Know I'm not quite at the place to expose yet (although I know it's foolhardy - agree with JMWC's advice to wait until after she gets back and expose if she falls off the "no contact" wagon)...believe me, have thought about it a million times (and have my "list" together, either phone #s or email addresses).

Had really thought about doing exposing while my W was coming back from her trip, but didn't (as I knew I was dropping the "you need to move out" bomb the next day). Do know pretty much for sure she did see OM last weekend.

Wife has serious anger issues and I can't imagine us facing our friends if this (by some miracle) works out and I exposed widely. (But know I'm enabling this A and letting her be a "cake eater"). Am trying to get her to see the new shrink before she leaves (by her lonesome) in the hope she might be able to talk some sense into her.

Any anecdotal evidence appreciated (or sitch's in which people did/did not expose and how they turned out).

Other thing is that W doesn't really feel like she has many close friends (told me she hasn't talked to ANYONE about this, not even the "me and H and having problems version" without the A information)...not particularly close w/ her parents (but think her mom would be good on the guilt - she could turn on the asian guilt), so I really wonder what the impact would be.

Today really got me down on this sitch (just when I was beginning to detach a bit - am not functioning well at work, that's for sure (did feel some empowerment when I asked her to move out and she was feeling I was ready to "move on").

Have no idea how people have dealt with these situations in "limbo" for an extended period...has only been really dealing with the suspicion (or confirmation) for the last 2-3 months.

Just keeping my boys in my thoughts and want to protect them like a papa bear...

NLG

PS: how would I find OM's parents info? Don't believe he's from the city he's currently in (and know when they dated (when she was 20) he was in the USMC)...any internet resources that might be able to track down his 'rents?

NLG

With all due respect NLG, I believe this is a mistake. You could very well save all of you additional hurt - you know she is looking at bus schedules - if you think she isn't going to have contact you are WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY off base - she is hooked right now - totally addicted - willing to cast off her husband and children just to get her affair high - she's out of the house - what in the world do you think would prevent her from contact - her conscience? I'm sorry to tell you it is NOT working right now - I tell you this because I have been where she is...The affair high is too intense - her will power is non-existant...

Look, I'm not even telling you to do the facebook exposure right now, but at the VERY LEAST call her parents and tell them - Call OM and tell him that you love your wife and will do everything in your power to bring the mother of your children back and save this marriage - Let him know you will NOT go away and are willing to fight till death essentially - you are dealing with a single OM - he will see this as TOO MUCH HASSLE - tell him you will drag the divorce out for YEARS - and you will name him in the divorce papers - tell him to be looking forward to the deposition - Your family is under siege - It's time to man up and be the leader...YOU CAN DO THIS...

The crux of this issue is that you are afraid of your wife's anger - You cannot afford to be afraid right now! Look at your children and imagine telling them that you were too scared that mommy might yell at you to fight for everything they hold dear...

Why do her parents think she is coming to stay with them?

Mrs. W

P.S. Try us search to find OM's parents - type in OM's name and see who comes up under the "related with" section

[Edited to add]P.P.S. Tell OM to BACK OFF - You can bet he doesn't know that you are in this fight - she has lied to him about you and the state of your marriage - GUARANTEED!

The ones that don't expose usually don't make it because the affair tends to linger on for year after year. The WS stays in a wayward, fogged out state of mind. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so helping her keep her secret fuels the fantasy of the affair and enables the affair to become more entrenched. I don't have much hope for the cases that don't expose. Sorry.

There was a great Exposure thread started by Tabby1 last summer that got lost in the great data crash of 2009. It gave numerous exposure success stories along with the stories of posters that waited to long or failed to expose and lived to regret it. Even though some didn't end up saving their marriages none regreted doing it.

Here are a couple really old Exposure threads (which have some links within them that still work) for your perusal. I haven't read them so I hope all the information is consistent with Dr. Harley's opinion on Exposure (the board was a little more loose with the program back then and Dr. Harley has only recently succinctly stated his position on the subject in writing.)

Affair Exposure 101 - Real Old thread

Affair Exposure 102 - Another Old Thread

Here's another classic thread by Pepperband

The "run-of-the-mill" wayward wife

Finally...here's a thread on the "Notable Posts" board you may have not read yet that Longhorn and I put a lot of time into which is a must read.

"For Newly Betrayed Spouses"


Every minute/hour/day you wait to expose is time wasted. You are most definitely going to have to expose this to at least her parents and confront OM (and hopefully his parents) sometime or another. Your 10 year old is old enough to understand this stuff as well (lest he blame himself which children will ALWAYS tend to do no matter what you say).

There's no avoiding it....get 'er done.

Mr. Wondering