My wife and I are 25 and have been married for 2.5 years. About a year and a half ago, a horrible cycle began that has left me miserable. Four times now, my wife has gone through a phase in which she questions whether or not she wants to be married. She likes to party with friends and I think because of the lifestyle she likes to lead, she periodically wishes she was single. This led to a near separation in the summer of 2008, a 1 month separation in the fall of 2008, a 3 week separation in the spring of 2009, a near separation in the fall of 2009, and now we are apart again. The separation in the spring of 2009 happened because she told me that she cheated on me twice with the same guy, once in November 2008 and once in April 2009. Every time we split up, she claims to have some epiphany, swearing that she realizes what she has and how stupid she has been. I have then taken her back, each time more reluctantly than the last, and everything is perfect for a few months. Then I start to see the clouds rolling in. She becomes a little more distant, starts spending more time texting her friends, going out, and sitting on facebook. I know what you're probably thinking...she's cheating again and that's what causes her to want to split up. I don't think that is the case here. I really believe that those were two isolated incidents, perhaps naively. Now, it would be a lie to say that I have completely forgiven her and that I completely trust her, but it's something I've been working on. On top of this, I'm simply better to her than she is to me. She is a very self-absorbed person, a taker if you will. I, on the other hand, am happiest when I'm making her happy. As a result, I do a lot for her and can honestly not remember the last nice thing she did for me. The thing is, she knows this and constantly says that she doesn't deserve the way I treat her, but NEVER does anything about it! To me this suggests that she just doesn't care enough. Any opinions?

She claims that she loves me and that these cycles have nothing to do with me. I know, and she admits, that I am a very good husband and have been far better to her than she has been to me. But every few months she gets this itch to be single. To be fair, we got married pretty young (22) and were both in long-term relationships before we got together, so we've never really had a chance to date and get a feel for life on our own. She claims that this is really the only issue, that she wants us to experience life on our own. Essentially, I think my wife is not emotionally ready for marriage, but is scared of losing me because of how well I treat her. It's been a few days since I moved out and she still calls/texts constantly and I know she'll call me crying one day soon begging me to come back home. Should I stick it out and deal with these cycles in the hope that the girl I love will eventually be a good wife? Do I force an extended separation (even though its not what I want) so she can figure it out free from the initial sadness of being apart? Or should I cut the chord because a person can only take so much? Any advice would be appreciated because as I was writing this, she texted saying that she wants me home.

Hang in there, the vets will give great input.

Sounds to me like she wasn't ready for marriage at all. She is definitely cake eating. Sounds like she uses your splits to justify (to herself) cheating. Where is your line in the sand?

Have you talked with her about marriage counseling?

You need to have clear BOUNDARIES for what you find acceptable (or unacceptable), you need have appropriate CONSEQUENCES for when she does not adhere to those boundaries, and then you need to COMMUNICATE both to her.

Then it's just a matter of sticking to your guns.

If she doesn't do any of the heavy lifting, then she has obviously made her choice.

TB

First of all - GO HOME. It's your home after all, and you've done nothing wrong.

Second - I strongly recommend you file for divorce. She started cheating on you a year into your marriage! You're young, you have no kids, and haven't been married that long. If she wants to act single and live the party life, she can...without you.

She's sorry and repentant long enough to get you home and back under control, and then she's out again. Is this really the life you want to live? Is this really someone you want to have children with?

Punt, and be grateful you discovered her true nature this early.

Yes, it is definitely time for you to stop being her default guy.
Please gather your strength and use it. You deserve better.

1. R.U.N.!

2. Never speak to her again, and ask her to return the same favour to you.

BPL.

I am of very mixed minds about what I want to say to you.

I am strongly promarriage. And I think this site has a lot to teach you about marriage, relationships, and how to make them work.

That said you will also learn that you cannot change people. People do change, they do mature, and really major changes in behavior only come when what the behavior will cost is more than the person can or will pay.

You are young. I don't mean this is a negative sense. But, you will change more in the next 5 years that you can possibly realize. You already sound like a mature young man. You even realize that your giver/taker (see Harley�s articles about this) is a bit out of balance and that with regard to your marriage it is way out of balance. You give, she takes and there is little middle ground.

She doesn�t really love you, because love is an action not a feeling. Your vows say that you will love one another until death do you part. You cannot promise how you will feel but you can promise how you will act. You seemed to have honored your vows by acting in a loving manner. She on the other hand has not.

You are useful to her however, because you are her safety net. When she needs to feel safe or recover, she comes back. Then she heads out partying and sleeping with guys again.

When I was your age I was engaged to a woman like that. I ended the engagement and some years later found a far better woman and have been married for well over 30 years now. My point???

TB mentioned boundaries. Are you willing to simply be a �soft safe place for her to fall� between her forays into single living? Are you willing to live with a woman that sleeps with other men, but clearly is not remorseful about it? Now she may feel some guilt, but that is of little use. Remorse is where someone tries to rebuild/makeup and modify their behavior in such a way as to bring comfort and trust to the person they have betrayed. I am sensing that is not the case in your situation. You need to define your boundaries, and then I think your decisions will be come clearer. You will be less likely to be swayed by your hormones and her obvious ability to influence you by her presence even if her actions continue.

In short, you need to do some reading, and then reflect on your boundaries. At that point, I think you will be able to make your decisions with a clear mind and heart.

If you decide to divorce her will you cease to love her?? No! You will always have love in your heart for a woman that you married. So not loving her is not the criterion for deciding to divorce. Will you hate her? No that is not likely either. Will you lose respect for her? Perhaps. Will you finally realize that she does not contribute much to your life and your happiness? Yup! I think you will.

So please do some reading and some thinking and then come and ask us lots of questions.

God Bless,

JL

Wow! I didn't expect so many responses and I really appreciate the insightful advice. I think Carka put is quite well sating that my wife is cake eating (I assume that means she's having her cake and eating it too). I've been calling it a "grass-is-greener" situation where she only wants what she doesn't have. As for boundaries (BTinBL and JL), I don't even really know where they should start. We saw a counselor last April but stopped going after a few weeks because I decided I would give her another chance. We're scheduled to go see someone (both together and individually) next Friday. Basically everyone who knows how my marriage has been tells me that I'm nuts for staying with her and tells me to get out asap. Admittedly, if I were on the outside looking in I would probably have smacked myself by now. But if I know that, why is it still so difficult? I'm starting to feel like I'm to blame for enabling her and allowing myself to become a safety net. I know bitbucket is right, that I should probably cut my losses and give myself a chance for a happier life, and it's true that she hasn't brought me much happiness for the past year or so, but it's hard to bring myself to that.

I'd also be lying if I said the physical side played no role in my desire to stay with her through all this. She is a 10 and in all honesty, that makes this a bit harder, even though I know that it shouldn't. So, as per JL's advice, I'm really trying to keep my hormones out of the equation. She called last night and said that she feels like she's back to normal (wanting to be with me). How can someone go from wanting to be single to wanting to be married in a day? Her mother is a recovering alcoholic who has been diagnosed with manic depression and bipolar disorder. My wife has recently suggested that she thinks she might have something like this (bipolar). I told her to see a doctor, but if this ends up being the case I have no clue what I'll do. Can I leave a mentally unstable person? Could she just be saying this to keep me on the leash out of guilt?

Anyway, I'm taking JL's advice and reading whatever I can get my hands on. Thanks again for the help.

She may be a 10 on the physical beauty scale, but she's about a 0 on the emotional beauty scale.

It may be guilt.

Lay down the law, tell her she may be all of those things, but that's no excuse for treating you the way she is treating you.

I'd document, document, document, see if she'll sign a post-nuptial, attend marriage counseling with the MB team here, etc.

Be clear, you meant your vows and you expect that she meet hers. If she can't, tell her she needs to go, and if she cannot commit, make a safe place for you, keep you safe, then you will have to cut her from the team due to her inability to do what she's vowed to do.

I wouldn't blame you for saying enough is enough. Having been betrayed by one ex-wife and never wanting to go through that again, I WOULD NOT try to win an unfaithful wife back ever again.

You really don't have to do anything but state what you expect and see if she'll follow through.

You don't have to decide the final course of action. Instead, sit back and watch her actions to see if they are consistent with her words and vows.

If not, then decide accordingly.

But today, document, document, document.

I agree with EE 100%.

My WW was also a 10. As it turns out, she used this to enmesh me with her sweet words which turned out to be nothing more than fluff.

"I believe in having strong, healthy boundaries," she would insist. But then wound up having anything but.

"One thing about me is that I'm fiercely loyal," she maintained. But then threw me under the bus when things got tough and another guy showed interest in her.

"It's important to do the next right thing," was her supposed creed. That included abandoning children, leaving husbands, being financially irresponsible and getting fired from jobs.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's important not how one looks or speaks, but in what one does.

You are both young.

I agree with TB and JL about setting some boundaries. The boundaries are not around HER, they are around YOU. You decide what you want out of this marriage and from her and that's where you set your boundary. You do not cross your own boundary line. If she can not respect your boundaries then being that you are both so young and have no children, I don't have any qualms suggesting you divorce.

I saw this here and it stuck with me. I think it was in someones sig line.

A boundary is not defined as something I don't like.
A boundary is defined as something I will defend no matter what.


I hope I didn't muff that up, LOL!

BPL,

Let me start with the end of your post. You said
First, a child of an alcoholic often has huge issues as an adult. Second, a mentally unstable person is exactly who you should be leaving before you two decide to have children. There is nothing on this site or anything in your experience that will allow you to help her if she is mentally unstable and untreated. So stop trying to be the "shrink on the white stallion." You cannot rescue her from her own mental issues if she has them.

You also said
This is what we mean by boundaries. You clearly state, that you KNOW you have boundaries because you feel you are enabling her. As someone just said, the boundaries we are speaking about are YOURS. Do you think honesty is necessary in a marriage? If so, what will you do with someone that is dishonest to you? Do you think fidelity is important? If so what will you do when those around you are unfaithful in deed and thought? Do you think you deserve respect? What will you do when someone disrespects you?

The list goes on. You are young and one of things that usually starts to come about your age is a clearer picture of who YOU are. What YOU stand for. What you won't tolerate. People often say things about boundaries such as you are being "judgmental". My response is simple.

I don't judge people. I assess whether they are an addition to my life or a subtraction to my life. I assess if they are someone I can trust or not trust. I assess if they are dangerous or not. And then based on my assessments of an individual, I decide and act.

You are not old enough to be a man and make assessments for yourself. If your assessment is that it is better for you to think with your little head rather than your big head, then do that. If your assessment that you will be happy living with a woman that has no problem going off with other men, then do that. If your assessment is that physical beauty is more important than other traits such as: intellect, honesty, respectfulness, and humanity, then make your assessment on that basis.

BUT, I will ask you the famous Dr. Phil question. "How's that workin fer ya?" You have to assess that as well.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL