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Joined: Mar 2010
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I am awaiting the arrival of my book. Until then I think I am at a critical point. As I have posted, wife 32 had an A, last fall. It stopped last month. We have four kids, she was a great wife/mother until about the last year or so. I am trying to be in plan A, I believe making myself an attractive mate, working on house, etc. All to improve some things that did need work. She is def. noticing and we are seeing each other frequently. She has her own house now.
My question is this: She is still somewhat fogged. While she now realizes the answer to our problem is not other men. She still wants to go out party and act like shes 25. Should I continue to support this with deposits into the love bank? or should I begin to pull back? I think she will snap out of it, but who knows. I know she loves me, she contacts me daily numerous times, gets jealous if she thinks other women like me, etc.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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My question is this: She is still somewhat fogged. While she now realizes the answer to our problem is not other men. She still wants to go out party and act like shes 25. Should I continue to support this with deposits into the love bank? or should I begin to pull back? I would absolutely NOT support this because it is damaging to your marriage and makes it impossible to recover. In order to recover this marriage, she needs to STOP going out alone. You should go out together. Can you swing phone coaching with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders? He could assess your situation and give you a plan to get your wife on board. In order to recover, here is what needs to happen: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
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Agree with Melody about the going out alone...
HOWEVER, if you can go with her then do so.
She's just escaping reality. It's typical foggy wayward behavior and sometimes the BS has to venture into the fog and pull the wayward out. It won't last forever. Your wife is still in the "I'm young and hip" mode. It will take her time to realize her happiness is found at home with you and her family.
What I mean is...Plan A can't be heavy and serious all the time anyway. Going out "partying" is a good distraction that, if she'll let you do with her, will attract her back to you and help you reignite your relationship. There is no better time for you to make deposits in her love bank than out alone with her.
This may be impossible for you to do with 4 kids at home (find a way....get a sitter yourself, arrange "going out" with friends YOU like too and not affair condoning friends she needs to lose...etc.). It may also not be your style. But somebody needs to keep an eye on her as she gets this out of her system and who knows...you may have some fun...TOGETHER.
Mr. Wondering
P.S. - In 2005, Mrs W and I closed a few bars (2 am closing in Michigan) and even went to some after-hour clubs. We'd done that a few times back when we dated in the early 90's, but not much that I can recall since we got married in 1997. Now, if and when we do go out...she's ready to go home at midnight. I'm just saying...this CAN be a normal temporary thing that recovering waywards go through. IMO, you are better served riding the phase out WITH THEM than trying to SEEMINGLY (to her foggy brain) be her parent and make her stop. She may just fall in love with you in the process. FIND A WAY
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering) DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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She says shes on board with not seeing other men, but still thinks she should be able to hang with friends. Her and I also go out, but she still wants the occasional night w/friends. I have had control issues in the past, so this is a slippery slope for me, if I push to hard, I get the controlling husband speech. She just not all the way ready, although she vows she loves me and that she does want us to eventually be together, just wants to see the needed change on both our ends so we dont have this prob again.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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[quote=markos] Why Should a Couple Plan to Be with Each Other When They Are the Happiest? [/quote I agree! I just dont want to push to hard and lose units. I think she is naturally coming back to me, she is now telling me she misses me when shes away and is also showing more concern about time away from the kids. (fingers crossed)
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