Ok he has been back here since May of 09
9 months I told him NO contact with the lady from work that he had a affair with for 3 months while moved out from here...
He has since changed jobs

Is here all the time I know he isn't seeing her
I found out about her in the first place by hiring a PI
because when he moved out he said our relationship wasn't over he was moving because we had a lot of trouble with my daughter on drugs... He was coming here 3 days a week and having me and my 5 year old adopted grand daughter come to his apartment a couple of days a week...
Here is my problem he is still sending the OW email well not talking to her but sending her jokes... He sent her 2 last night...

Like I said he is here all the time Know for a fact he isn't seeing her...
He doesn't know I know about the jokes he sends her...
I was going to talk to him tonight telling him I have a gut feeling that he is still in contact with her. And if that is going on that means he is still emotionally involved with her and if that is the case it will never work here no matter what I do to try and make it work...

We get along don't fight ... He gives me a kiss when he gets home a kiss when going to bed calls me every day on his lunch...
There is NO intacmy between us no sex... only once since he has been back here... That bother me... And I am going to tell him that tonight... That makes me think and feel he is still into this OW... He is going to say to me... No matter what he does it is never enough.. He likes to say that to me...

I really really try here I want this to work not only for me but for the 5 year old that calls him daddy and loves him more then any thing...

I have been putting into my love bank all I can... If I bring this up tonight am I taking out of the love bank ??

we have been together 10 years
I am 50 he is 49

Please give me some help here for tonight...
I found the book Surviving the Affair and am picking it up today.
Any help any of you could give me here today would really help..
Thanks

You are not very clear about the current situation. Does he still have his own apartment?? Are you married? Have your own children together? Previous marriages?

If there is still contact then there is still infidelity. No sex either with you?! Then he is probably getting that elsewhere.


This is a lie. He didn't need to move out because of you daughters drug problem, he moved out for his own needs for his affair.

There is still contact. There is still an affair. Wake up and start standing up for yourself.

I am going to try here
just don't want him to know right now I know about the emailing of jokes
never see that she emails him...
we have been together over 10 years
not married
I can not or will lose all I get for me and child due to being a widow
and husband's retirement
Can't risk that for child's sake.
we would lose all even health insurance..
This has been a committed relationship..
The child is my grand daughter I adopted due to my daughters drug use.
BF agreed to adoption and has been in her life since birth
she was a micro preemie at 1 lb 11 oz so it was a long road with her...
SHe has problem with all leaving her and was a mess when he moved out for 3 months.. She even got sick due to it...
So I am in a hard spot here...
He is great with her she loves and trust him..
so what do I do????
I can't live with knowing he is emailing here even though it is only jokes....

I understand that you do not want him to know that you have his email password. But now that you KNOW he sent some last night, you have a perfect opportunity to do the following.

Begin a conversation with him about your M, and lack of SF, and tell him that you get the feeling he is still in contact with OW. When he denies it, then tell him to let you view his email right there on the spot to verify. He will either 1) log in and let you view his email, in which case you open the joke email (act surprised when you see OW's name), or 2) he will refuse. If he refuses, the you can tell him that this is proof that he is still in contact with her.

Well even if he let me see his email that wouldn't work...
He doesn't save to sent box..
at least he doesn't think he does...
that is how I find out then I delete it..
So I don't get caught...
if he ever checks it he will know I have been into it..
because I changed the seating to save copy to sent mail..

Was this wrong for me to do ??

He doesn't know I have the password the PI got it for me...

I did get the book surviving an affair today... I just got home with it....

I am new here but have been reading A LOT I am working on plan A but have been doing that for a few months now... We get along don't fight... But there is a lot missing here for me with no real closeness ... I just don't where to go from here... It is on my mind all the time...

Is that how it goes... Does it take up most of your waking hours thinking about it ?? because that is how it has been for me... Then I get to feeling depressed about it...

I am so worried about to night but know I have to talk to him...
He is going to get mad..
and know he will say this
No matter what I do it is never enough... I get so tired of hearing that
and he does a lot here then I get to feeling I don't want him thinking that...
I feel like I should be able to talk to him about my feelings without him
getting all upset with me.... I just don't know what to do anymore...
Keep my mouth shut and see what happens here see if he comes around after some more time...
Or try to talk to him about my feelings here and what is bothering me...
All has been good except me knowing he is sending her jokes..
But the no closness is a biggy for me to... because I wonder why..

Well I tried to talk to him...
I didn't get far...
He said he doesn't
talk to her on the phone or anything
and that he would not be goated into talking about it...
says he will hear about this till the day he dies...
He said things have been going good here and that I just wanted to put him in his place... Don't know what he met by that....
He said as it is he feels like he is on a leash....
Things have been going good here... other then the jokes I see him send to her...No talking
have I just made a large withdraw from the love bank??????

No withdrawal from the LB on this. He is turning his breaking of no contact back on you - putting the focus on you. Typical wayward stuff. There are so many reason why even seemingly innocuous emails to an affair partner are wrong. First, it injures you, the BS. Secondly, it can lead to future, more meaningful contact. Plain and simple, it is his way of continuing to keep the door open with her to resume the A at a later date. These emails must stop immediately.

Did he agree to not send her any more emails to her?

He doesn't know I know about the emailing of the jokes...
I can't let him know that...
that is the problem...
I just told him any contact at all was wrong I didn't care how little it might seem to him...
He said he has been back here for months has changed jobs... Doesn't talk to her on the phone or send her love letters... like I seem to act like he does...
I said to him... OH !!! if you were doing that I am sure she would email me again and let me know that... LOL
he had this look of shock on his face...
I was blowing smoke...
He has been doing good here like he is really trying here...
I don't want to do anything that might put a stop to that...
I don't want to push him back to her...
Am I wrong for that ???

He did change his job so doesn't work there with her in the same place... Which he reminded me of....

But the part that hurts is I have seen where he sends jokes on to her that have sexual undertones... He doesn't send them to me
just her... I can't tell you how much that gets to me...
He says I want to have control of everything...I told him I don't know how he can say that when I feel I have no control of anything here.... There is no sex between us here but I have to say he has had a problem with that since his heart attack...
And know he had a problem with her as well on that front...
The PI I hired fund that he had ordered Viagra...And he isn't to use that stuff his doctor told him because of his heart...
Guess with her he was willing to take that chance...
He doesn't know I know that either...
I have said things to him about no sex here..
That I miss the closeness and that I have tried really hard here to make this work.....
He says he is a Dud...
So where do I go from here
I wish I had a clue....

I want to add that this lady isn't married...
So that makes it easy for the both of them...
Or at least her....
He says she never has been married she is 50 and a nurse...
Her last name is Robinson but when I had a background check done on her it did show where she used the last name of Brown at one time...
And the owner of the house where she rents last name is Brown.
So I was told it could show up for her even if just some mail
came there in Brown..
So she could be lying to him I don't know...
So as far as telling anyone about this on her part... I have NO one to tell...
I have been reading here that is the thing to do...
and being they don't work at the same place anymore that leaves that out two...

He did say to me he hates his new job he has been there for about 6 months...
He used to work at the VA hospital were they told him he could come back at any time..
just give then a call...
He said he was thinking about it..
that is where the OW works...
He says the only reason he hasn't is because of me and knows I would be upset...
That is putting it lightly...
I hope he doesn't do that...
He says this job is stressing him out really bad...
Knowing I will be worrying about his heart and the stress...

If he doesn't like his current job, he can get another one. He got his current one, didn't he? And his next job shouldn't be where OW is. No no no no no.

I don't think he will do it...
He called said he just needed to vent....
He knows I would be really upset....
I will put my foot down with that..

Try a different approach.

Tell him that you appreciate his changing jobs and all that. Tell him that you still feel scared and vulnerable and you need to know he is protecting his family (the marriage) above all else.

Ask him to help you feel safe.
Be honest that you fear he may be emailing/texting/calling from a secret cellphone. Ask him for his ideas on how you could feel safe.

Ask him how HE intends to EARN back your trust.
Not in a spiteful, blameful way.
Not in a desperate needy way.
But like there is this problem (not "I have a problem" but "We have a problem"), and want to know his ideas on how it can be fixed.

ETA whenever he tries to blame shift and say you want to control things tell him "I want to feel safe. I would LOVE it if you would control that. What are your ideas?"

That is very good advice Thank You...
I will try that...
He has not sent her any more jokes since we talked on Friday : )
so that is a good thing...

again ty for your advice

Well he still has not sent her any jokes since our talk Friday..
weather he has emailed her at work I have no clue..
I seem to go back and forth from day to day...
not knowing if I want to keep trying ... I feel a lot of the time I am the only one working at it here...
I talk to him tell him what I am feeling tell him what I miss and he does nothing to meet my needs most of the time...
So how long will I do this right now I have no idea...

Ok is this a good way to go ???
to change things up here...
I email him every morning when I get back from dropping of at school...
This morning I did NOT email to maybe make him think of here a little...
Was that a good thing to do ??
Well he just called me on his break asking if everything was ok..
I said yes
he said well I didn't hear from you was worried something might be wrong..
I said No everything is fine that I know he has been really busy at work and just thought I would not bother him this morning...
said TY for calling....
does it help to change things up a little when I feel he isn't really trying to hard here ??

What do I do...
when I am back and forth one day to the next
Not knowing if I want to keep trying here or not ???
Did you that are here go through this ??????