No anecdotal stories but a real one from my life.

FWW-s affair lasted secretly 9 months after d-day and ended when I exposed.

It still makes me angry that I didn't do that right after d-day.

The only excuse I have is that I hadn't found MB then.

You don't have that excuse.

How serious?

I have done a lot of work with shelters over the years. There are a ton of intervention programs that can help you.

I have often commented on here that anyone who allows their mate to go to a High School Reunion without guarding them closely 100% of the time and watching like a hawk for years after, is a complete fool.

That also applies to meeting or talking old boyfriends (or girlfriends) as well. It doesn't take much for someone to TEMPORARILY get an infatuation high from an old flame. And believe me, it IS temporary.

That said, EXPOSURE, the more widespread the better, helps throw a bucket of cold water on the sordid affair, kinda like what my Grandmother used to do with dogs. Maybe that mental image will help you get off the dime and expose.

Larry

So true.

Please, listen to what the 'vets' (Mr. & Mrs. Wondering, ML, and Larry) are saying - EXPOSE NOW. It will save you a lot of heartache.

It's awkward at first, but eventually you get over it. Trust me. My WW was extremely uncomfortable around people that knew and when we got home would complain about exposing and making things uncomfortable, but after a month or so of things seeming normal, she got over it.

Your reason is not an excuse to not expose.

My recommendation for you not exposing is only if you are there 100% to be there when she breaks contact, so you can stop any further contact. I wouldn't let her go alone around OM unless I was tailing her, and I'd confront her as soon as she veered off path to OM's place. Further contact runs the risk of having the affair get deeper.

However, since OM lives in another state, you can pretty much cut off all contact w/ him if you expose and put your foot down. Block his facebook page, delete and block his email address, block his cell number, etc. Cut off all ways of your WW to contact him, and if she goes home where OM is from, you stick to her like fly on glue so she can't sneak away. She's an addict who needs constant monitoring right now. My suggestion of letting her fail and break NC was just so you had an excuse to step up and assume the role of maintaining NC because she couldn't.

Your WW isn't going to leave you right now. Women don't usually leave men unless they have another one lined up. OM lives far away. Your WW can't take the children out of state to go be with him. She's stuck with you. You protect your family and keep other guys away from your wife in the future. At the same time you work to slowly make things better. You can have a better marriage in a few years if you keep up with the plan and continue to work on your marriage through all of this.

Update on my sitch - we've talked and she's agreed to break off all contact after her week away (at her mom's house) next week - she does feel she needs to see him (and has told me she is going to OM's town to break it off - is staying with a friend in OM's town). Tells me I need to "trust her"...

Am sure you guys will think I'm an idiot (maybe I am - 2x4s welcome), but I'm feeling like my tactic will be getting through next week and from there, will go the exposure route if there's any further contact after this week (do have access to the cell account, and she hasn't spoken with him all week; only responded to 1 of his texts - he's sent about 8 this week).

Have talked about our NC rules - blocking his cell/phone # on her phone/our home phone, unfriending on Facebook - anything else you'd suggest (handwritten letter from her requesting no contact)?

Tried to get her to see the person that may become our MC and I think she wants to "get through this week" and then plan to start seeing her upon her return...

We have been getting along pretty well the last couple of days, actually having fun for the first time in a while (and all the tension seems to be dissipating).

So, think I should continue "Plan A" at this point (and try to get through next week, knowing she'll be seeing him for the supposedly "last time")? Will be doing my best to detach/trying not to think about it while I think about boundaries and future plans based on what happens from here...

NLG

Best of luck to you. I just have this funny feeling about this . . .

You have not had sex in 6 years, you and your kids walk around on eggshells, you do almost all of the housework and childcare, and you allow her to spend you into financial trouble. She is having an affair and you are afraid to expose because you are afraid of your wife. Now she is going to see this person again and you allow it to happen.

Do you know why things are at this point? You allow your wife to walk all over you. She does so because she does not have any respect for you. Why should she? Think about that. Until you show yourself to be worthy of respect instead of contempt, this type of behavior will continue. You say your threat to throw her out got her attention. I doubt it because she knows it is an empty threat.

Expose now. All of the threads on this site regarding exposure follow pretty much the same script � things will be �uncomfortable� for you for a while. But not as uncomfortable as it will be when you are trying to negotiate a financial settlement and child custody arrangements if this continues � that is your choice.

It's called goodbye sex. They will have it everytime she breaks contact and needs to go no contact again. They will do it as long as you do not expose and allow it to continue.

God's Blessings,

Say

SNM: Ouch!!! sad but true

NLG...

I had tears rolling down my cheeks reading your post - you just have no idea how much you will come to regret your inaction...

I'd give anything to be able to impart to you just how much will go on this week between your wife and OM - the [gag] dramatic romance quotient is being upped for them - this "final goodbye" is being hyped to epic proportion - I beg of you not to let this be some movie-esque "poor-marytred-destined-to-be-together-but-alas-ripped-apart-lovers" "romantic" situation for them - one that they will look back upon fondly - NOOOOOOOO!!!!

PLEASE ACT and MAKE IT HELL ON THEM!!!!!!!!!! Expose this affair, NGL!!!!

Thing is, your wife is just telling you whatever she feels she has to this week in order to get you off her back so she can get her fix - she'd agree to have both of her legs amputated - heck, she'd agree to a full lobotomy, she would quite literally agree to ANYTHING AT ALL - so long as she didn't have to do any of it until AFTER she sees OM...

And guess what? After she sees him - all deals that she's made with you are off anyway - she will then begin plotting how to get her next fix - count on it...

You absolutely cannot believe a word she is saying right now - I wish I could get you to understand that - I promise you, it's true...

The ONLY reason the "tension" is "dissipating" is because she knows she is going to be seeing OM - she knows that making waves with you could very well prevent that, so she is placating you with LIES - and it's WORKING FOR HER!!!!

NGL, this will NOT end without exposure - the affair is only getting more and more entrenched...

Why won't you stand up for your family???????? It's killing me to watch - I can't imagine the torture it must be for you...NGL, COURAGE is in the DOING...As BobPure often asks around here, "What would you do if you were not afraid"?

Mrs. W

P.S. Exposure IS part of Plan A...

Well, again, I can argue with you with real story from my life. And as you see, you are going to set up yourself on great heartache.

A few weeks after d-day, my FWW agreed to stop the affair but insisted that she will meet OM for delivering that information. They were business partners and had to meet anyway so I was unable to stop that plan. Actually I would have been able but I was too scared, as we all.

So, they met and next day my wife was in worst withdrawal mood ever. It was later revealed that the meeting went precisely like MrsWondering described:


So, I had to deal with a wife with even greater withdrawal than before and with mindmovies containing steamy scenes from their "final" goodbye.

And all this pain - FOR NOTHING. Because after short pause, the affair resumed.

Do you really want this?

"Update on my sitch - we've talked and she's agreed to break off all contact after her week away (at her mom's house) next week - she does feel she needs to see him (and has told me she is going to OM's town to break it off - is staying with a friend in OM's town). Tells me I need to "trust her"..."

This was a DOWNDATE.

WW needs excuse to go and see OM for romantic week. And how to take the affair deeper underground so you can't track the affair.

PRECISELY!!!

NLG, are you listening? Recon's story confirms it too - There is NO SUCH THING as "Closure Contact"...Each time the adultery partners see or talk to each other they fuel the addiction...

Did you come here to get help to formulate a plan to bust up your wife's affair, and perhaps save your family, or did you only come here to vent/journal? If it's to vent/journal, that's okay, but please let us all know that. There is no need for anyone to waste time begging you to use tried and true MB Plans if you are not interested.

Mrs. W

nlg, you are making major strategic mistakes and are headed for disaster. Your wife is going to rendevous with her lover to have sex, with your blessing. Now whose side are you on? Because I can't tell.

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to get off your [censored] and actually do something. You are ENABLING this affair by keeping it a secret. You are HARMING your marriage and your wife by doing this. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so your complicity in keeping it secret only FUELS the affair. The affair should be exposed to her parents and your close friends and family. Everyone should know.

Your best thinking got you in this mess; whereas the rest of us have RECOVERED MARRIAGES. Please keep that in mind when you keep your own counsel. I fear you may be one who has to go through the school of hard knocks, because you are looking for an easier, softer way. Good luck on that.

There is absolutely NO REASON, other than your inappropriate FEAR, to not expose this affair. As long as you allow FEAR and conflict avoidance to be your masters, you will lose.

You will win if you make a decision to be a leader and guide your marriage out of this morass. Your FEAR is allowing the affair to THRIVE and places you at the mercy of a fogged out, addicted wayward wife.

Do you want to have a chance to win this battle, friend? We can help you have what WE HAVE, but you are going to put aside your fears and ACT. Fear will not save your marriage, only ACTION will.

Methinks it's too late. NLG isn't responding, and Mrs. NLG is on her way to a week long bangfest with her boyfriend.

NLG, if you're around, you said you would expect 2X4s, and you're getting them. Mel and Mr. & Mrs. Wondering know what they're talking about - why aren't you acting on their recommendations?

They are going to have sex and exchange "affair phones" on this meeting. Tell her in no uncertain terms is she allowed to see OM ever again, including this "last time." You will not accept it. If she refuses (and she will, but you can explain afterwards you ghave her a chance to avoid exposure), then you expose.

The affair should be exposed REGARDLESS. NOW. You don't avoid exposure just because a liar says they agree to not see the OM. The affair needs to come out anyway. THAT is how recovery starts.

Yup, you got that right.

My FWW thought she needed a "closure" meeting with the OM. I stupidly agreed to it. I told her it had to happen though under conditions that assured that *nothing* untoward could happen. And I was nearby. Nothing did happen, but the heartache alone set recovery back by several months IMO.

Oh, the OM was involved with another woman. He had a "closure" meeting with her too around the same time. She ended up pregnant with the OM's child!

Do NOT agree to the meeting! Instead, indicate to your WW how you ACTUALLY feel about her meeting the OM again for this "closure" meeting (and I can bet that it WILL involve SF if they can get away with it.)

They will continue the affair. She'll say its closure, but its sex. My opinion. Tell her if she sees him, the locks will be changed while she is there. She will be removed off all accounts and you will file. If she says you're "driving me away" tell her you will not condone her seeing him ever again. And that you're not going to let her have another moment with him. Tell her she has seen him for the last time. Hard line. stand tough.