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Hi
some background is my wife had an A several years ago. It resulted in a pregnancy, they baby of which I am raising, a few years now, no child support to avoid visitation problems. The OM is a real joke. I exposed to the family, but the OM intercepted the letter to the wife and grandmother. A is over but Now the family is helping the OM cover up the child by lying to the wife as well, bullying, threatening, etc. but we want to be upfront with child about her real father and for him to respect his own child.
any advice?
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Your post is a little confusing.
The OM's family is bullying and threatening whom? You and your wife or his wife?
How do you know all this? There should be absolutely NO CONTACT between you and the OM or his family.
By all means, his wife should know about the affair. Find a way to tell her, but after that...eliminate ALL avenues of contact.
If the OC is several years old, depending on the laws of your state, YOU are her legal father. Is OM trying to see the child or harass you and your wife? I would think you should be able to legally keep him away from the child. Contact an attorney for this. If his family is harassing/threatening you, an attorney should be able to help you with that, also.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Boater,
1st of all If your dealing with a looser then your dealing with a looser .........
NO amount of wishing on your part will ever change that .....
If it was me I would tell my daughter that I might not be your biological father but I couldn't love you more than I do.....I'm blessed to have you .......
I would leave it with if she ever wants to meet her biological father you'll set it up......
Hopefully by then He'll come around or she'll choose not to......
Not sure how old your daughter is yet but I bet it can wait....
I would think all the distance you can maintain from the OM is a good thing for your family......
Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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Hi
some background is my wife had an A several years ago. It resulted in a pregnancy, they baby of which I am raising, a few years now, no child support to avoid visitation problems. The OM is a real joke. I exposed to the family, but the OM intercepted the letter to the wife and grandmother. A is over but Now the family is helping the OM cover up the child by lying to the wife as well, bullying, threatening, etc. but we want to be upfront with child about her real father and for him to respect his own child.
any advice? First off, I would get through to the OMW and his MIL. Just make it happen. And secondly,unless you want to destroy your marriage, you need to CUT the OM completely out of your life and NEVER have anything to do wtih him again. NEVER. You should adopt the child yourself. If you allow the OM into your family�s life, he will wreck your marriage and that is not good for you, your wife, or any of your children. Cut him out. I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Boater ,
Stick with Melodylane's advice it's better than mine....
Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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Ok sounds like all have some good thoughts here. To answer some questions, the OM is bullying eveyrone on both sides. Threatened my family and also keeps his female family members in check with threats to stop money support, they are afraid of being cut off from family, etc. adn the men all go along with it, because they're equally as bad as OM. Some of the women want to know the child, they are biologically related, so we've been in contact with them, but they keep it secret from OM and rest of his family. They are all helping to lie to the wife.
We felt that the child had a right to know who her father is and tried to make things open and keep things friendly so the child could know the OM.
WW and I have taken the time to deal with M, so now we exposed A to OM's family to keep child from being a secret.
I'm thinking to let things calm down for a while and then will some how contact the Om's wife again, maybe anonymous phone call?
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The lengths OM has gone to to keep this a secret from his wife would indicate to me that nothing short of a face to face conversation with OM's wife would convince me that I had actually exposed to the person that needs to know the most.
In my opinion, once the truth is out...OM will calm down. His manipulations and threats have worked to maintain the secret thus far so he's not going to stop such tactics until the truth is out. Once out and no secret remains to protect....waywards slink back into their cowardly holes and everyone around them can begin again to function as adults.
Please note...though I think it very important that OM's wife know the truth about her life, I think the goal of having OM involved in YOUR child's life is a mistake. The child is yours...OM was just a sperm donor. Keep OM out of your life and marriage forever. When your child is 18, let them pursue OM if they choose. You can be respectful and honest with your child but forcing or encouraging ANY relationship with OM is a bad idea.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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To answer some questions, the OM is bullying eveyrone on both sides. If you are NC how do you know this about OM? He and his family should be a non-entity to you.
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I'm thinking to let things calm down for a while and then will some how contact the Om's wife again, maybe anonymous phone call? IF you decide to expose, do not do so anonymously. If you make an anonymous call,OMW can just dismiss it as a crank call, some loser goofing off trying to find cheap entertainment by making prank calls. If you expose to OMW, then give your name, a means for her to contact you if she has any questions, and offer to provide proof. That's the only kind of exposure that will have any value.
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ITA with Mel and Mr W.
I am a BW raising my husband's OCs with the OW. We have physical custody of the OCs.
Do you know how much BETTER their lives would be if we never had to deal with her again?????????
Do you know how lucky you are that OM doesn't want anything to do with the child????
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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ITA with Mel and Mr W.
I am a BW raising my husband's OCs with the OW. We have physical custody of the OCs.
Do you know how much BETTER their lives would be if we never had to deal with her again?????????
Do you know how lucky you are that OM doesn't want anything to do with the child???? Exactly! I don't understand why you want your FWW's affair partner in your life and in the life of your child. Yes, BW should know...it is her right to know. But keep OM out of the child's life!
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Boater,
As an OC I encourage you to get CS for OC, in the end it something, perhaps the only thing the child will get from OM. It is what will help OC go to a better college or even go to college at all.
For someone who is not an OC it is hard to understand the need to know the truth about who they are. I wholeheartedly agree with your telling OC the truth from the start.
No matter that the biological parent is Good Bad or Indifferent, no child should have to visit their biological parents grave without ever having known them like I did.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 03/05/10 01:21 PM.
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... we want OM to respect his own child.
any advice? Give it up. Not an achievable goal, and not a desirable goal. Give it up and strive for a happy marriage instead.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You can be respectful and honest with your child but forcing or encouraging ANY relationship with OM is a bad idea. Trying to encourage a relationship between a child and a scumbag other parent is a bad idea, sure to lead to heartache for everyone involved except perhaps the scumbag. If the scumbag wants to have a relationship, he should bear the cost of making it happen and making it easy and making it natural. He should put the time in with the child to make the child comfortable with him and make the child like him -- not YOU!!! Why should you pay for his crimes? If he asks for visitation (and only if he asks for it), permit it, and only under the terms Dr. Harley recommends.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You are probably confusing the living daylights out of this child by trying to keep him in contact with such tangentially related family members.
Let the adulterer do that, if he wants his child to know his family.
Let the family talk to the adulterer about seeing his child, if they want to see him.
You need to shut the door on all of them.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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>rying to encourage a relationship between a child and a scumbag other parent is a bad idea,
Trust this. Believe this.
We have to because the COURTS say we do...and she adds nothing of value to their lives other than how NOT to behave.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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You are the child's father because you are raising her and loving her. I have an adopted daughter who is almost 3. It makes no difference that she is not the biological child of H & myself. We are her parents, plain and simple. It would be ridiculous for us to chase her bilogical parents down and say "you must have contact with DD for her sake and so that she will not be a secret." It would take a lot of energy that would be better spent providing her with a loving home and parents with a great M.
That having been said . . . there is NO WAY that we will keep her background a secret to her as she gets older. If she wants to track down her birthmother and birthfather when she gets old enough, using her own time and funds, that is fine. But in the meantime, we are busy enjoying our life.
Just love this little girl, stop trying to force involvement with the OM's loserish family, and be happy. She will be happy too.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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Gamma, I am sorry for your pain, but not all OC situations are the same. And not all OP's are the same. As an OC I encourage you to get CS for OC In my situation. To get CS from OM for OC would require me to prove my lack of paternity and give up my legal parental rights. Then OM could get legal parental rights to OC.. That would be bad. OM is a convicted felon who has a bad Ecstasy habit. He is the most universally hated human being I have ever encountered. I have heard NOTHING good about him from anyone. To this day he has illegal dealings, but stays out of trouble by being a snitch for the local PD. I greatest hope is he dies before OC ever wants to meet him. in the end it something, perhaps the only thing the child will get from OM. It is what will help OC go to a better college or even go to college at all. OM lost his job pushing a lawn mower and is currently busing tables at a shady Redneck/Biker bar. He is 30yrs old and has never had an official job that reported his income to the IRS. Only small, under the table type jobs. His X-wife is constantly attempting to bring legal means down on him for back child support on there daughter (over 30,000) but somehow he keeps avoiding Jail. He does not own anything, and he lives with his parents who are both on disability. Any monetary contribution OM could make, would be completely offset by my expenses incurred in trying to force him to. On top of that, there is no developmental good that OM could bestow on OC. He would only serve to hinder her healthy development.
Last edited by Gack1; 03/05/10 03:10 PM.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Gack1,
Yes, but in this case, if I'm reading between the lines correctly, OM is well heeled, perhaps more so than BH and WW and should pay his fair share. There is a good chance WWs infidelity will be a death blow to her marriage at some time in the future and she needs to make provision.
Gamma,
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Why in God's green earth would you even want your DD to have any concept about this man?
You are giving this trash way, way, way to much control of your life. Both you and your FWW have allowed this guy to stay on the edge of your lives- that is your adult descision. Do your DD a favor, don't poison her with the same fate.
Yes, she is not your bio child. That truth is something she should know. But WHAT are you thinking forcing these "relations" on her?
A#1. It is a constant reminder of the A, and does not jive with no contact for LIFE.
B#2. What good could this scum do for her? Intimidate/threaten her? wow. Show her how to sell drugs?
Maybe he can hit her up for money when she gets a job? I just don't see your reasoning, here.
Cut your "losses". Get rid of the trash tree that is this OM's family.
Last edited by barbiecat; 03/06/10 07:09 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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