My hurting friend,
It's unlike me to get all scriptural when considering difficult questions, but let me pose one to you. Sometime before 1988, before your WW strayed from her vows to you, did you and she stand before God and all your friends and family and EACH promise to remain as a (loving)spouse to the other until death separated you? I've been to many weddings, and i don't remember the follow-on clause to that promise to the effect of "...unless you break these vows first." One respondant advised you that five infidelities is not recoverable. Again, I don't remember a threshhold of forgiveness that must not be breached.
Those of us dealing with a spouse's betrayal must all deal with the question of whether or not to walk away, or fight it out. My crisis came a while back, and it was this issue that gave me the strength to fight the good fight. I promised her (in front of all those witnesses) to love her forever, and stay with her. Yes, she made a mistake, and yes, it hurt me worse than the cancer I've fought, or the heart attack I suffered, but it was a MISTAKE, one that she regretted and asked forgiveness for. My vows almost 34 years ago were still valid, as I realized, and compelled me therefore to reject the "easy" way out. I hope you can find the strength to do the same.

I am honored to be your first post. I hear you and yes that's how the vows pretty much went, prolly same as almost everyone else here. However I don't think banging a bunch of dudes were in there either, but you know, why dissect certain parts of the vows?

All I can say is I don't know.

Ok COD, whatever you say. . .

Larry

Damn! I feel the same way. I've been lurking on here for around 9 months and posted a few times. I have gone through a whole host of emotions and am now feeling nothing towards my WW. It's kind of scary.

What are you talking about Larry? The vow comment by me? Yea I get it, we are supposed to stay married forever, I get it. We are also not suppose to have sex with other people when we are married.

'Jenkins', I know the feeling, it is kinda scary, I agree. I've never had this feeling of indifference towards my marriage and wife. I've been hurt, angry, happy, sad, horny, etc, etc, but never a IDGAF feeling.

My comment was not meant to minimze the horrendous breaches of trust and fidelity that your wife committed. I was bringing to the discussion, however, that it's not your wife to whom I am writing - it's to you.

And while your wife's actions are a matter of record, the story of your actions are yet to be written. It's a sucky situation you have been put in, but life treats us all unfairly at some time. You have a choice, and I'll put it to you directly:

Knowing that your wife (quite a while ago) made the unfortunate decision to NOT keep her word to you("...forswearing all others...."), are you going to break the promise you made before all those folks to remain with her forever?

In my case, I decided that my wife's error (especially given her remorse and regret)was not sufficient to relieve me of what I promised to do. Our life together since than has proven that, in my case, I chose wisely.

I didn't feel you were doing that 'NG', I was just making a response and yes I do hurt at times, but its more anger now.

I do realize what you are saying, its easier said than done. I have not made up my mind on what to do, but I am in a holding pattern and frustrated.

I was talking about your not reading all of the knowledge that is available to you. And I don't think you are supposed to be married forever and put up with wife having sex with someone else. I do think that having the knowledge available that Harley teaches sure does help marriage and relationships, even if you have to switch partners.

Seriously COD, those lessons that Harley teaches are a road map for married life and relationships in general. And they are a road map for how to handle your current situation. My friend, please read to the point where you understand. Ask questions here, help is available.

Larry

I know Larry, there is a complete data base here, backed up with lots of good advise. You can lead a horse to water.......

Are you afraid of what you might learn COD, my friend?

Larry

No Larry, I am not sir. I just have not bothered to, when I first joined the site. Now I don't feel like it, even though its jus a cop out. I did read the Five love languages, and gave the CD to my FWW, but she has not bothered listening to it.

NeverGuessed, your words are very wise. Don't want to t/j here, but I'm hearing them at a low time for me, and they have helped me immensely. Thank you.

What is t/j..?

"t/j" = "thread jack" - hijacking a thread to another topic.

Oh, I am bad for doing that on other threads, haha...I find that others expressing their feelings on their own experiences can help a thread.

I guess my only comment is that the wayward spouse's actions are being referred to as 'mistakes'. I disagree. These were conscious decisions to break the marriage vows and commit adultery.

A mistake is adding too much bleach to the laundry. Straying from marriage vows is a decision.

Just sayin' . . .

Thats what makes it difficult for ME, 'Linus'. She keeps saying how it happened so long ago, etc, etc. I usually will say that its not like you had a secret credit card that you charged clothes on and didn't tell me. I even went so far as to day how its not like you thought to yourself, 'gee I feel my husband is acting like a jerk, let me go out on a few dates and see if ALL guys are like him'....If that were the case then either they were jerks like me, or something happened for her to bang all of those dudes.

Yes, it certainly was not a MISTAKE, ooops, my bad.

codtej

Yes it is old news for WW.

So agree with her and then tell her it is new news for you.

Also point out to WW that not only time has worked on her to move past the affairs. WW knows everything there is to know. She has no unanswered questions haunting her.

Tell WW it�s as she has seen the whole movie but won't even let you open the DVD case. WW expects you to be content with what ever you can about gleam off of DVD case.

Then WW relents and tells you some of the affair. Equivalent of letting you see the trailer for the movie.

'TR', my friend, I have told her, verbatim, those same items.....I get nothing in return. I mean, I do read whats on here, and it just so happens to be the same thing my heart is telling me.

So that is why we are where we are.

Linus, I love your analogy here, even though you use it to contest my argument!

Okay, for discussion purposes, let's say I should have used the phrase "made faulty decisions" where I said "made a mistake". But in my mind, and to my understanding of the commitments we all made at one time, the core of my position remains viable. Egregious acts (how's that?) by our spouses DO NOT absolve us of the vows we took. Their actions do not provide us with a "get-out-of-marriage-free" card.

These are, of course, my opinions, and all I can do is ask those BS's reading this chain to evaluate the benefits of operating under those guidelines.