Back story. A began last August or so. Ended officially only a couple weeks ago. We live sep. now, but have maintained a relationship throughout. We have and are continuing to do things together, such as going out. We went out last night, but the emotion was just not there. It was like she was off in space, not at all interested in me. She used to be all over me when we went out. At the end of the night I asked her how she felt. She said like a best friend date. We have been married for 9 years and have four kids.

She said I am a security blanket right now, and she loves me and doesnt rule out fully getting back together, but doesnt want to commit to me or anyone right now. She says she is not interested in dating other men, but just wants to be totally independant. She agreed that she numbed so many feelings for me during the A, that they are slow to come back. I feel used and abused. She still doesnt think she could handle the thought of life without me, but isnt ready to commmit to building a life with me. She spends nights with me, calls texts me all day, everything but the final committment. I dont know what to do.

I love her, but is becoming harder and harder to not have that emotional connection with someone. Especially since we had it for so long. Maybe it never comes back for the WW?

She is emotionally invested ELSEWHERE from the sound of it. I suspect she is still involved in her affair in some way. My suggestion would be to do the best Plan A you can for the next 2 weeks and then go into Plan B. You have been dealing with this for a long and going longer will erode your feelings for her.

What is happening is the OM is probably meeting 1-2 top needs of hers and you are meeting 3-4 minor needs. The OM will be expected to step up to the plate in your absence and there is no way he will. When he fails to do step in and fill the gap, the affair will crumble quicker.

Plan B is initiated with a love letter that explains that you love her but that her behavior is eroding the love you feel. You tell her not to contact you anymore, except through a designated intermediary. You will give her a path back, which is to end all contact with the OM and to commit to repairing the marriage.

Thank you Melody! I made some missteps in fighting the affair early on, but also did some things correctly. I am waiting on my book to arrive as we speak.

Over the last few weeks I have demonstrated that I can be a good and positive spouse. Just this morning she woke up with me in what was our family home and commented how this is such a beautiful house to wake up in. I am sure the A is over, but I dont think her emotions are available yet. The guy turned out to be a real jerk, go figure huh?

I wasnt sure how long to stay in Plan A. You are exactly right, her behavior is causing her to become unattractive to me and damage my feeling and my emotions further. I just didnt know when to shift into Plan B.

Thanks!

WAT, if she really just ended the affair, she may just be in withdrawal and it will take a few weeks for her feelings to come back. Her feelings of romance can come back if you spend 15-20 hours per week together meeting each others top needs, such as Conversation, Affection, Sex, and recreational companionship. WITHOUT THE KIDS.

Of course, your problem is her motivation. If she won�t engage, then obviously it won�t work. One thing that has worked for some here is getting the detached spouse to counsel with Steve Harley. He has been able to persuade some very reluctant spouses to get on board before. You might try that. You wouldn�t have to get her agreement now. He doesn�t counsel couples in conflict together anyway. But he could assess your situation and give you some talking points to persuade her to talk to him. He is not cheap, $200 a session, but he can often do in one session what other counselors can never achieve. He is well worth the money, IMO, and it might be worth it if he can get her over this hump and into working on the marriage.

You may be right. I know the A is over, but its weird, she was more affectionate and into me during the affair! I would love to get her into counseling with Steve. I will bring it up to her, it would be worth the money. She is a very resistant person to being told she needs to change behavior or views. She told me until she feels that intoxicating emotion towards me again, she will not advance things further.

I feel the longer this goes on, the more complicated it gets. We went out together last night, it was fun, but kinda odd. She has new friends, not from the A, just from work and I felt kinda awkward around them. I know they know about the A, and they are clearly not condoners, but it is still awkward. I am not used to being anyones option or plan b, and that is how I feel. I told her last night I am needing in areas of emotion that she is not providing and I am scared I will be tempted to fill that void if this continues.

Well, she has this backwards. She will not feel that intoxicating emotion towards you UNTIL she advances things further. That "feeling" comes from very specific actions, such as a) spending 20+ hrs a week with you meeting the top 4 emotional needs. Feelings FOLLOW actions. So, if Steve can persuade her to go through these motions, her feelings will come back for you.

I wouldn�t even bring up counseling with Steve yet. Talk to him yourself FIRST and let him tell you what you say to get her interested enough to get on the phone. Let him do the selling. He is really very good at it!

Security blanket = Second choice. She needs to be insecure about you. The more self respect you have the more respect she will have for you.