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This is quite a thread!
I agree that Italy's wife needs to come here to talk to the females who have rediscovered overwhelming desire and attraction to their spouses.
Larry, good posts, but I have to say I always chafe when one gender is put in a box to explain how they respond in a certain situation.
I can remember looking for a "good catch" as a young woman, but never, ever did I want a man who treated me badly. That does nothing for me and in reality, my DH treating me badly by having an affair was the one time I thought about ending our long relationship. Yes, I want a strong, confident man, but also someone who can put me first in all situations.
Mel is so right in saying that feelings follow actions. Italy, you and your DW have to both want complete healing of your relationship and both be willing to work hard at it to truly recover. If you tell her you need SF as an EN and she can't comply, then maybe she doesn't understand this whole MB thing. Or has your communication with her not been that clear? If she truly desires recovery of your marriage, she is going to try to fill your love bank by meeting your ENs. It's that simple.
And women don't communicate subtly at all. We actually say what's on our minds.
ME: 45 FBS FWH: GloveOil 43 D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09) DD: 16 DS: 12 Married: 19 years In love for 24+ years and counting!
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This is quite a thread! I agree that Italy's wife needs to come here to talk to the females who have rediscovered overwhelming desire and attraction to their spouses. Larry, good posts, but I have to say I always chafe when one gender is put in a box to explain how they respond in a certain situation. It is a guy thing, helping us with the task to somehow, some way, understand the female mind. Guys are very simple minded, ya' know Jeff Foxworthy has a skit where he says guys just want women to show up naked and bring beer. I can remember looking for a "good catch" as a young woman, but never, ever did I want a man who treated me badly. Unfortunately many young (and older) women end up with men who treat them badly. It happens. Lack of grownup judgment is not gender specific.That does nothing for me and in reality, my DH treating me badly by having an affair was the one time I thought about ending our long relationship. Of course you didn't. You wanted a "Good Catch." Uh, your definition of a "Good Catch." And you got one. As things go, if infatuated, a woman wants the guy upon whom they are projecting all sorts of qualities he may or may not (mostly not) have had. Natures joke, both ways.Yes, I want a strong, confident man, but also someone who can put me first in all situations. That is a valid statement. Women and children in the lifeboats first is what I say. And where they live and the car they drive and the way the kids are raised and what they are going to eat that night and uh, and uh.
Relax, I am pulling your leg, somewhat.Mel is so right in saying that feelings follow actions. Italy, you and your DW have to both want complete healing of your relationship and both be willing to work hard at it to truly recover. Technically (don't you hate that in a guy ) It is called cognitive dissonance: feelings follow actions. And it is taught in Cognitive Therapy. And it works.If you tell her you need SF as an EN and she can't comply, then maybe she doesn't understand this whole MB thing. Or has your communication with her not been that clear? If she truly desires recovery of your marriage, she is going to try to fill your love bank by meeting your ENs. It's that simple. And women don't communicate subtly at all. We actually say what's on our minds. You gotta be kidding. Oh wait, you say what is on your minds in a woman's way. Most guys learn some of that language sooner or later. Other guys remain clueless to their grave.  As the women come out of the woodwork in more numbers, I hope Italy is getting it that he needs to get wife involved in a discussion with women who know a lot, like you, for example. Larry
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Hey all, hope you had a great weekend, I talked to my wife last night about how great of a tool this site has been for me to ask questions and get info on what is going on in our life from people that have been there. She has an account on here now and it is MrsLvninitaly. I told her about the great people on here with special attention to Mel and Mrs Wondering. I hope she gets in touch with you. Thank for all your help.
Me BH:32 WW:31 Married: 11 years DDay: 7 Sep 2009 NC: 18 Sep 2009
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Hey all, hope you had a great weekend, I talked to my wife last night about how great of a tool this site has been for me to ask questions and get info on what is going on in our life from people that have been there. She has an account on here now and it is MrsLvninitaly. I told her about the great people on here with special attention to Mel and Mrs Wondering. I hope she gets in touch with you. Thank for all your help. Super! Tell her that I'll be on the look out for her!  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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MrsWondering, just a quick update. I believe that my wife has the intentions of getting on MB and talking with you and others, but last sunday we went snowboarding and she broke her wrist so she has not been on the internet very much since then due to the pain. When she was on there she was only trying to finish up her online class for the week. Hopefully when she is feeling better in the next few days she will get on here and talk to all of you.
Quick word to the wise, don't break a bone in Italy, they are not like american doctors, they don't believe in pain reliever or local anesthetic. They reset her bone without both of those things. It was so hard to hear her yelling from the pain. It is one of those things you never want to see your spouse go through no matter what. I hope you are all having a great week. Lvninitaly
Me BH:32 WW:31 Married: 11 years DDay: 7 Sep 2009 NC: 18 Sep 2009
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Ok Mel. I think most counselors don't even believe that feelings like that are possible in marriage, but they are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. That is an absolutely correct statement. On the other hand, more and more therapists have discovered Harley and are moving in his direction. Ok, I have to jump in on this and hopefully make a worthwhile contribution. . . . The MC that Mrs. Linus and I are seeing believes very strongly in what Mel is saying - there can be tremendous passion in a marriage no matter how long you've been married. At one of our first sessions, he recommended the book 'Passionate Marriage' by David Schnarch. The author, and our MC, firmly believe in keeping love and intimacy alive in all committed relationships. (Dr. Schnarch's latest book, "Intimacy and Desire", was recommended to me on another thread by righttherewaiting). So I guess my answer to the question in the title of the thread is a resounding YES. I don't know all the details of the chemistry behind it, but I do know that I want what Mel and Mr. Mel have in their relationship (hot stuff Mel!)
Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook) After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11 D final 03/12
'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them' Jay Severin
'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more' Tony Robbins
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