I become a little Obsessive-compulsive when it comes to the house and how it looks,because with my job, I am in and out of peoples homes all the time and some of them are really bad. It makes me a little fearful that people will view my home like that. I can always remember growing up the joke in our house with my mom as "you want us to make it look like no one lives in the house, right?" We would usually tell her this when she was telling us to make sure to put our shoes away and every other little, normal daily stuff.

The house and the kids rooms are also a sore subject for my husband because his mom and sister have piles (and I mean piles!!!!) of stuff all over their house. I have only been upstairs in my MIL's house 1 time and had to ask my husband which bedroom his parents slept in because you could not actually see a bed that did not have stuff piled on it. His sister's house is horrible. There is not one space on a shelf or piece of furniture that does not have piles of stuff on it. You can't go upstairs because without a rake and shovel (as my SIL stated) you cannot get through the kids rooms.

Perfecto!


And this, this is the key to the city right here. He's hoping you'll need something from him.

You have all day to think of something to need him for. You know him and his schedule much better than we do, so you know what sorts of things he might reasonably deliver so you could ADMIRE all over him!

Once you give a little guidance, we can help you brainstorm and refine, etc. (I won't be around a computer tomorrow, so I use the word "we" very loosely. )

OK...I know my schedule and his schedule don't mix well today, so what I need will either be something that he can bring me on Monday when he gets here to get the kids on the bus or something that he can answer me in a text or phone call. He has this fund-raising thing this morning, I work for most of the day, and he has his PT job this afternoon and evening. (He will be working this PT job every Friday and Saturday evening- I'm sure OW won't get tired of that now will she. Work all week and not be able to go out on the weekend evenings??? Just what all OW dating M men love, huh?)

I did talk to him about bringing the kids to the station to visit tomorrow so they can see him. He said that he would see what the day would bring. It has always been that way because they could have training, lots of runs, public ed things they do, or other types of visits that make it so they can't have people come over. He told me to talk with him on Sunday to see what all they had going on. I know this is not an excuse to avoid having it happen because we had planned other times, long before A, and they did not work out because of things that they had to do.

I was kind of hoping that something, like when I got lost trying to find one of the schools I was visiting, would come up today, but can't guarantee that. I was trying to think of something household that I might need to ask him how to do something or where to find something. Really stuck as to what I could text and need from him. I was trying to definitely think of kid things that I might need to ask from/for him. I need to check out my son's project that he is starting for school to see if there is something I can ask WH to do, find, or get for DS. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated because I am just not sure.

Weekends are so hard...The minute I get done with my last client all I want to do is cry and bang my head against the window of my car as I drive home. I know yesterday had some positive sides to it, but then I know he is busy all day today and not at her place and definitely not at home. Because of his new job, I can only text him if I need to talk or let him know something and he won't be off until very late this evening. He turns around then and has to be at the station early in the morning and will be there for 24 hours until he comes home to get the kids on the bus. I don't know his schedule for his new PT job yet and don't know whether I will see him in the afternoon or not. Positive things...not with OW (and it is a Saturday night and all day Sunday) Negative...not with us.

I'm just venting and blowing off some frustrations right now because, well, I would be having these conversations in my head anyway and writing everything out seems to make me feel a little better. Went to church to try and find some music for service tomorrow and my Pastor was there. We talked a lot about things and he asked how things were going, if there were any changes, etc. I explained about everything that has been going on lately. He told me that if he had scripted the meeting that he came to our house for (very early on) and everything else that I have been doing to this point, he couldn't have done a better job himself. Just like my counselor and others, everyone is amazed at how I am handling the things that are going on. I shared with him about my mother and what she had said to WH, he was shocked and praised her for what she had done and how well she had done it. He went into a long speech about the differences between men's and women's thinking and how WH is possibly trying to find a way to gracefully bow out without losing face at the whole situation. He is amazed about how WH is trying to get people to be angry with him by putting excuses for his behavior out and with each acceptance, listening, and lack of confrontation over them, he is falling flat on his face. He said, pretty soon, he won't know what to do and have no one to try to get angry at him. WH deals great with anger and then has a reason to validate himself and does not deal well with acceptance and admittance of my mistakes or others mistakes with no confrontation.

My Pastor knows my WH well because he worked for his funeral home business with him doing removals, dressing/casketing bodies, and working funerals. He knows his personality and things like that about him, more than a typical pastor might because of working together.

Everyone keeps talking about how well I am doing and all the right things I am doing, I just WH could see and admit those things as well and find his way back home. Like I said, just venting and putting my feelings out there before they drive me crazy.

...Also, real tired of never wanting to eat and if and when I do, always feeling like I have to throw up!!

Oh yeah, the BS diet, its fun...not

It does pass, I am not sure what the average is. For me it was about 4 months before I started eating again,(as in ore than a slice of toast and some vegetables each day) but longer to stop throwing up daily. I think my body couldn't handle food after the prolonged starvation period.

Oh yes, my diet consisted of air and gatoraid, i have a job that i am on my feet and buzy all day, needed something to keep me from passing out.

the only thing good about it, is the weight loss, however; the flip side, knots in the stomach, not even ablt to swallow air, that sucks.

hang in there, it does get easier, try little bites all day long, something that won't stick in your throat. and yes, breath, breath, breath. deep controlling breaths....it does help.

sorry you have joined our club, it truly is a club where the members hate to see new recruits.

Yeah, keeping your fluids up is the most important thing, and since you are going to be losing weigh, treat yourself to a little chocolate. You wont eat much and you can be totally guilt free over the calories since you need some.

I personally believe it was the 14 cups of tea I drank each day with milk in kept me going Apparently woman can live on tea alone.

Right now...diet coke and a peanut butter sandwich per day. Anything else and it comes right back up. Used to be able to drink tons of diet coke, now barely can get through one 24oz bottle if I'm lucky. I had all ready started losing weight before all this because of being put on pre-diabetes medication and an appetite suppressant because I was really needing/wanting to lose weight. Down 40 lbs before all this, haven't weighed since starting this whole ordeal, because I am afraid of how much I have lost since then. I am down two whole pant sized in 6 weeks if that says anything.

Very typical.

If you become dangerously thin before getting your appetite back, DO see your doctor. I work in Kgs, not pounds sorry, but I was 1kg off my see the doctor mark..got down to 45kg.

If your on appetite suppressants and diabetes meds, you might need to see the doc anyway, just to make sure.

Hope I didn't do something bad...Sent WH a text tonight because he was working PT job and had said that he wouldn't be able to call us. My text was simply saying that we're "sorry we wouldn't be able to talk to him tonight because we really feel better after we get to talk to him. Told him to have a good night at his job and to take care. Oh...by the way, the neighbor asked to borrow your compressor. Hope that was OK?" The neighbor borrowing the compressor was kind of my reason for sending the text with the other nice stuff to go along with it.

He actually did call us, saying he just had a couple of minutes. I talked for a couple of seconds and then said that I would give the phone to the kids so he got to talk to them before he had to go. DS was not feeling well today, not sure if depression or true illness, but he started getting a little upset on the phone. They talked for a few minutes and DS told him the symptoms he was having. When they were done, WH told DS "I love you" which he does not always do, especially to DS (he's a boy). DS was handing the phone to DD and she was a little hesitant. All I said to her was that this was her only chance tonight and daddy was in a hurry so if she wanted to talk, she needed to now. She did talk and started with her normal "I miss daddy. I want you home. Have you decided if you are coming home or not?" They talked for a few minutes and then she handed the phone back to me.

I truly did not know the kids were going to be like that and I told him that I was sorry about that because I knew he was busy at work. I thanked him for calling and said he didn't sound like he was feeling well. He said he didn't know if he was just tired, coming down with something, or what. I told him thank you for calling because I didn't think he was going to be able to. Told him to have a good evening and to take care. (I truly did not expect him to call since he said he wasn't going to be able to!)

I sent him a text shortly after saying. "Thanks for calling. The kids felt a little better. Hope he has a good evening and isn't getting sick. Take care!" He actually replied, "K. Oh and it's OK that neighbor borrowed the compressor."

I did not know the kids were going to be like that on the phone tonight. I did not set him and up and I hope that he doesn't think that. Do I send him a short, to the point, email saying something that I did not expect he was going to call and I hope he doesn't think that I did what I did on purpose? Don't want this to end up hurting any positives that have been going on.

You've already said it, so you probably don't want to bring it up again unless he does.Very good interaction.

If you can, why not take him some food at the station tomorrow, even if he's not there. Maybe even something bigger like a cake or dozen donuts that he can share with everyone. Nothing like having everyone at work saying how wonderful his wife is.

Sounds like a good idea!!

You really need to eat well if you have diabetes. Hope you will see your doctor - your kids need you right now.

Prayers still going up.

Don't know if this has any meaning or if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but sent WH an email this morning. Just a loving, kind of reminiscing type of email with happy thoughts knowing that he was tired and the phone call last night from the kids was probably hard to hear because they are so emotional.

He responded back to me saying that he missed the kids very much and wants to be there for them. He said he can hear them struggling with what they are saying and asking him and hear it in their voices. I had specifically said that I do not want them at OW's apartment and he said he understood that even though OW would not be there if they were. (Like I'm going to trust her-and somewhat him-about her not being there.) I have told him that I would be OK staying away from the house or leaving the house if he wanted time with the kids. He had continually stated that he would not ask me to do that or expect me to do that. Today, he actually said that he would like to start one night a week alone with the kids one night a week and put them to bed. He said the days would vary because of his work schedule and he asked if I would be willing to work with him on this. I responded by saying, of course, I would be willing to work with him on this and have been offering this to him so am really glad that he is wanting this.

He said that he is struggling financially and can't do things with the kids and that is making it hard for him to be there for them emotionally. I have offered to help him with this if I have the extra money for him and the kids. The first night that he gets to be here with the kids, I will plan on making them a special snack (and maybe dinner) to have.

I also, in my response, asked if the kids and I could come over and see him today. He said yes, this afternoon or this evening. We will take him a little treat to share at the station. Maybe DD will help me make some cookies. I feel like he is at least giving an olive branch out to the kids and asking for something that I have offered to him from the start. It feels good that he wants to be there for the kids (and maybe it will eventually lead to being there for me). This request from him feels really good and I hope it should.

Next time he says anything about how hard this is financially, just coo, "I ~know~ how hard it is trying to keep up TWO households."

This is going VERY well!

PMo2
Just read your entire thread. You have some amazing people posting to you. Your story is very similar to mine, my H is a fireman too.

I am not sure of a few things... I might have missed them in reading.

Did you ever ascertain what WH's top 3 EN's are?
Have you worked out who OW is?
Have you done the full nuclear exposure?
Did you get the key logger on your home PC?

Seeing Believer here (hi B!) reminds me about how she would often comment on Admiration being a top EN for most men. I used to send Ad related texts and emails to my H almost every day. Also complementing whenever possible. Nothing false, just if he was looking especially nice, I would say something like "your a handsome man Mr Doggie" in passing. I liked how you said to your DS in WH's hearing about how strong WH is.:)

Generally I think you are doing great. The BS fog is lifting and your getting a better grasp on what plan A is and isnt. Remember your working on making yourself someone he wants to be with...looking good, smelling nice (LOL at DD wearing the same mummy perfume) fun, cheerful and upbeat to be with. House clean, cosy and welcoming. Have no expectations - as they used to tell me over and over....'expectations are just premeditated resentment'.

And most of all, love yourself! I had a bubble bath every single night for 2 months because it was all I could afford to do really. I also pierced my ears, bought some lingerie (great subtle work on letting WH see you did that BTW)I bought myself grapes and chocolate to try and tempt myself to eat again. Do you have some close friends you can visit just for a coffee or something on those times WH is willing to watch the kids?

Be careful with MIL. Mine was a rock for me during the A, and like you my mother was less supportive, however I did find out a few months ago, that MIL was sharing alot more info about my plan A including snooping with WH than I knew.

Love your kids, let them express their hurt, and tell them you will be there for them always. It takes a horrible toll on them and the consequences last longer than waytards ever think.

Also just in agreement with Neak, WS's behaviour towards the BS is usually all over the place. If, during time together the WH and DH appearances seem to cycle, well lets just say sometimes its not always a bad thing they go back to the sty for a few hours, its gives you time to refresh, recover and ready for the new foray

Sounds to me like you are doing very well. Now start taking care of YOU. If you can get hubby to spend time in the home with the kids, DO IT. Be sure to have somewhere to go, get dressed up, look good, and leave.

Sheesh, there was a thread on here by a BS who had a great plan to woo her hubby back. Can't remember her name right now, but maybe someone else remembers. She would get all dressed up and go to the library or drug store, being very mysterious about where she was off to.

Seems to me like you are working a solid Plan A. Keep it up, but remember to watch your expectations.

Don't let subtle signs of change cause you to lighten up on your 'stick' of Plan A. If you do, you will be in plan doormat.

Hang in there and keep up the good work.

I am definitely watching my expectations. I do what I can to make him see the good mood and always have a small moment when things feel good, but know that there is nothing to guarantee that he will be responsive to anything that I do or that no guarantee that he will ever want to be back home, but I do feel good when the things happen that are positive. I will not lighten up on my plan A at all. If it is working well, then I am continuing full force and full steam ahead.