Seems you are avoiding the 2x4's and just sitting back and HOPING your plan works out.

HOPE is not a plan.

I don't know when she's leaving but if you don't believe us and think things seem a bit better (because she's manipulating you) just TRY to get her to agree to change her plans even in the slightest. Just TRY to say "this is a bad week...maybe next week you can go".

She's an addict. Like any crackhead her mind is completely focused on getting her fix and, since she's fixing to get it this week...you won't get her off that plan without a war.

Just try to and I bet you are met with World War III.

See...like my wife and others have said earlier. She's manipulating you with seeming niceness and agreement AS LONG AS SHE GETS TO SEE OM THIS WEEK. If you believably put on an act that you are going to interfere with such plan or alter it...she'll move to other more aggressive means of manipulation. My guess...calling you a controlling bastage and defiantly saying she doesn't care what you say..."she's going".

Another tip...IF you make the mistake of letting her go and trusting her without exposing her...don't you dare hand her some spending money, carry her bags to the car or drive her to the airport. She leaves WITHOUT your consent or direct help.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- remember I told you before that you are most likely going to have to get OM to end the affair due to the hassle of it all? Well...allowing him a week of secret adultery bliss with your wife isn't exactly moving along with that notion. You see...by exposing her now...not only will he have to deal with his family and maybe some friends knowing his business...he'll have to deal with your wife being crazy mad at YOU and scared. She'll behave like a wayward fruitcake which won't be the bliss he signed up for. Exposing NOW is much more likely to get him to move on sooner than later.

"by exposing her now...not only will he have to deal with his family and maybe some friends knowing his business...he'll have to deal with your wife being crazy mad at YOU and scared. She'll behave like a wayward fruitcake which won't be the bliss he signed up for."

And, if the OM has a W or GF. Things will be real fun with WW trying to get OM to commit to her and leave his W/GF.

HELLO???? NLG???? Your support team is calling you!!! Anybody home????

Are you gonna pay for the hotel room where your wife will be boffing OM?

OK, I'm back...promise I'm not running from y'all!

I do truly appreciate everyone's input here (and 2x4s), but I�m personally not in a place yet to expose (as you can tell), given her pledge to cut off contact after this week.

I know I might regret this in hindsight, but feel that explsure would be the next �escalation� if she doesn�t abide by the full NC (which would include blocking his phone #s, unfriending his FB account, etc.) from here on out.

Flame away - I will keep you posted.

NLG

You can't negotiate with a terrorist. She will "abide" by NOTHING until OM dumps her.

Unfortunately, you'll be right back in the same boat when she returns only the affair will be MORE entrenched.

I'm very sorry.

Mr. Wondering

You mean full NC starting NOW, not after she visits him, right?

No flames needed you don�t have a clue what a healthy marriage is like. Your fears are already within your house and you don�t know it.

Let me ask you something. Do you think HONESTY is important in a marriage? Do you think that honesty is important in your relationships especially with family? If so, what you are doing lying by omission, is encouraging and allowing dishonesty to permeate your marriage and your relationships with your family on both sides. From now on whether you stay together or leave, you will have to lie to your families and friends. She has been lying to you for a long time and now you are lying for her.

Exposure is not an OPTION, it is required if you are to have an honest marriage, and an honest relationship with your family on both sides. If your marriage recovers and your family knows what you and your W did to recover it, they will be impressed. If it fails and they know you tried your best, they will be impressed. You must know that no good deed goes unpunished. But, you must also know that lying is going to lead to a lifetime sentence.

Oh! And in case you haven�t figured it out, what the folks here are really telling you is that CLOSURE NEVER HAPPENS. There is no such thing as CLOSURE especially when affair are involved. You will see this when and if you ever get to recovery. There will be no act, no words, nothing that will bring you closure for the rest of your life. Only time, good deeds, and newer better memories will ease the pain you feel as gradually the feelings detach from your memories.

NLG, blow off the closure thing and you need to tell her that. There will be no closure in this mess only healing IF she stops the affair.

So what is it you are afraid of? Is it honesty? Is it losing your W? She is already gone son. We are only talking about the possibility of starting over and that requires honesty. Is it you looking bad? Well you do. Now are you going to redeem your image by acting with honor and bringing honesty to this mess?

Grow up, what you fear has already happened. What you want is only going to happen when you decide living in fear is not acceptable.

Please think about this very carefully.

God Bless,

JL

Soooo, what you're saying is that she's with him, screwing him, for the next, what, 5 days? and you're OK with that?

But things will be different when she comes back. Rigghhhhttt.

Mercy.

I don't understand, nlg. What do you mean, you're not in a place yet to expose? What place do you have to be in?? Do you not see that she is merely buying time to be with OM? It's the wayward script at work, to want to meet personally to end the A. You're going to let her spend the week with OM meeting her needs, and you think she's going to end it??

Have you ever watched Intervention? Every addict on there tries to buy time before they go to rehab. They say they're "not ready yet - maybe next week." Think about that. WHAT do they need to do between now and ending their addiction? NOTHING - except continue using their drug of choice! Your addicted WW is doing the same thing! She'll come up with something else next week to keep it going. Expect "I'm confused." "I don't know what I want." "I need to do this for ME."

Really, nlg. Why would you enable her to continue this gutter-crawling path?

This guy is not going to make it.

It's not important whether you run from the forum or not. It's only important what you decide you want 2 do about your marriage and family. Don't forget that.


You need 2 recognize this for what it is. Simple conflict avoidance. She didn't promise 2 end contact after this week 2 please you, she did it so she could have contact this week!


This is NOT the purpose of exposure! NO NO NO! You expose because it's the truth and it's the right thing 2 do. It is NOT a vengeful act! So, you should expose and if/when she comes home you simply tell her that you were mistaken when you agreed 2 her terms before she left.


Again, it is NOT IMPORTANT that this forum and its participants approve of what you do or don't do. You just need 2 remember your kids, your family, and make a decision as 2 what you want 2 happen 2 it. Focus on the things you can control (your behavior, not hers).

The longer you wait 2 be truthful and honest 2 her as well as yourself, the less likely you are going 2 be 2 want 2 remain married 2 her.

-ol' 2long

nlg

your handle fits your plan - notlookinggood -

if you allow your ww to meet up with OM without any intervention - its going to look a whole lot worst in my opinion.

How about an update, NLG, if you're out there?

The week of 'goodbye' is over. How's it going, NLG?

So�haven�t posted in a while and am at another seeming �fork in the road� (but in a better place than I was originally, that�s for sure)!

The week of "goodbye" actually happened - since my last post, my wife and I had a 1-week �break� in which she broke things off with the OM (this was in mid-March) and claims to have �woken up� in that time to realize what she would be giving up by pursuing that path. (BTW, I did not �expose�).

We have been in a bit of �piecing� mode since then (though she did have one more bout of contact to �say some other things she needed to say� to OM before fully breaking things off.

Other thing is we�ve started MC (she went individually about a week ago and I�ve been individually a few times) and we are to start joint MC next week.

I�m writing as we seem to have had a pretty major setback in the �piecing� (in my mind), as we were away alone together this weekend (I have an out of town meeting) and it didn�t go well � I think I had expectations of a big �reconnection� (not just emotional, but physical � we�ve been affectionate w/ each other since she got back but certainly not physical/sexual � I�ve been so pent up wanting the physical when I should have really held back, and it ruined the weekend).

It was a very ackward time � lots of silence, herky jerky little things (interrupting each other, not really talking about anything, she putting some topics �off limits� (like when I asked her what her goals for the future were, trying to make some kind of �small talk�).

I think too that being in a hotel alone w/ her was a bit of a �trigger� for me (as all of her trysts with OM were in hotels � think I was feeling like I was needing to measure up against those experiences (not sexually, but �fun� wise), and I definitely blew it in that regard as I was not really fun to be around and struggling not to make things so ackward).

Got a little too tipsy the last night we were together and we finally talked about some �things� � learned she�s still pretty uncomfortable with anything physical with me and that it might take a �long time� until she�s comfortable for those feelings to come back (which I guess I do understand, given she�s still in mourning a bit over the end of the R with the OM).

She also made it clear she�s staying for the family but not necessarily me (stability, ability for her to do/take that new job she�s doing now, staying with the kids together, etc.). All of which of course makes me feel like crap (between no attraction to me and really staying for the family unit and not me (though she did say she "missed" me during her time apart)).

I�m still here by myself in the city (she flew out this afternoon) and really struggling with how to proceed from here when I get back � admit since she�s back I have not been DBing well and have �backslid� into previous behaviors (except trying to not let her get away with her own bad behaviors)�have not been GALing much at all (and I know I need to get back to it, as I�ve really started obsessing about all of this again after getting some good detachment from the situation in the past).

Thanks for any advice you can provide on this, as I'm struggling with where I go from here (still would really like this to work, but not willing to backslide into our old, bad relationship, and refuse to be in a loveless marriage anymore)?

Those that have gotten the ILYBINILWY speech, has your WAS been able to regain those �loving feelings� for you (that's certainly my biggest challenge here)? Thanks.

NLG

NLG- I am sorry if I missed it(still sleepy this morning) but what is your plan for recovery?

Also, are you snooping to ensure NC?

Why didn't you expose?

think I was feeling like I was needing to measure up against those experiences (not sexually, but �fun� wise), and I definitely blew it in that regard as I was not really fun to be around and struggling not to make things so ackward).

Hi NLG,

I haven't posted much here to others in terms of any advice or suggestions, so I guess you could consider yourself privileged...*S* My wife and I have recently also had a reconnection. Fortunately, and thankfully, I feel that I am in a little better position now than you seem to be. I say that simply out of kindness and also from frustration on my part after reading your story.

Imho I think you need to go back and study the advice that has been given to you here by so many.

Of course she felt uncomfortable with you, and you with her as a result. By Not exposing her affair, Not demanding the NC, and by Not enacting a solid Plan A (as I understand it) you are giving her every indication that you are not fighting for her and your marriage, and she probably feels that she is Not worth fighting for.

Imho she doesn't need you to try to "measure up" to anyone. She needs you to honestly assess yourself, and how much you want her and your marriage, and then let those feelings to be your guide. You cannot control "her bad behaviour", but you can control and work on your's and prevent "backsliding". Maybe You need a few days away to meditate and think on your feelings.

It really pains me to see you so indecisive in what is very well one of the most important opportunities in your life. Please, finally listen to the people here who do know what they are talking about. I am also concerned that you just seemed to brush by her second "goodbye" contact with OM. Will it take a fifth, or fiftieth "goodbye" contact with him for you to realize you have to take action?

Prayers and lots of good luck,

Tom

not,

Are you legally married?

Hi again NLG,

Am working at home today for awhile. When I was looking at peoples' stories here when I was newer here your's was one of those. In my short time here I have seen a number of people pop in for a day, a week, a few weeks, and then they scamper away. I found myself wondering if they will ever succeed in rebuilding their marriage, or if that is not healthy or possible, if they will at least achieve personal happiness. For most of those who scamper away, probably not When you stoppoed posting I just felt you were also going to be one of the casualties.

You must have returned because deep down you most likely Do want to rebuild your marriage, and you Do love your wife and want to win her back. And that is what you're going to exactly have to do - win her back. I'm puzzeled tho for two reasons. The first is because in your words I don't sense the normal grief, anger, mistrust, and other emotions that most people would feel. Maybe this is because as you say there are so many years that have passed with both of you being unhappy and simply not affectionate. Instead, I sense your longing to be emotionally detached. I also don't sense your concern over what her affair and your indeciciness is doing to your whole family - i.e., your kids.

The second is that I sense that you are expecting and hoping others, in this case your wife and maybe even the MC, to do Your job for you in terms of trying to 'fix' your marriage. That hasn't seemed to have happened yet and is most likely not going to. I doubt if on her own she is really going to end her affair (Not relatinship!). Maybe for a week or a month, but not permanently. And, she is most likely not, as you found out, going to respond to a weekend alone with you by jumping into your arms or jumping your bones simply because she suddenly wakes up and realizes she is your wife and that's what you expect and hope for!

You two have been married now for what, 10 years? NLG, you should know by now that women are not drawn simply by their partner's hope, and they are definitely not drawn by their partner's emotional detachment. I believe the same thing applies to men obviously as well, but I think that women are just much more sensitive to these factors. In what you say in your posts it seems that she is giving you every sign possible that she wants you to make a decision and take the lead on this one way or the other. Even if it might take a long time for her to be comfortable for "those feelings to come back", I believe that you are in a better position than many are.

This is just coming from what I sense in your words. I am not trying to be mean or harsh. I know that you have received some so called 2 X 4's from people here before. I felt like posting to you this morning because I had this ridiculous notion that maybe if I did, then maybe I would be able to get thru to you. You may win her or you may lose her, but I don't think you want to wake up some morning, a year, five years, or even ten years from now and realize that you did not fight the good fight as they say.

Just a couple of other things. Have you read some of others' threads here? For me it has been extremely helpful. Obviously, it is Not the only thing you should be reading. In AA there is the Big Book. More than half of it contains other peoples' stories. Their sharing is meant to enlighten and encourage.

Finally, and I am sort of smiling now, for your next romantic getaway, take her anywhere... a resort, a park, a beach, a mountaintop, but not a hotel until you are Both comfortable with that.

Take Care,

Tom