Not's Quote "I'm sorry to hear of this turn of events. Have you asked BaT WHY he hasn't done the assignment? And if so what is his excuses reasons?...."


One of the best gems I've learned thru all of this is not to ask "Why" because that tends to get a person's back up, but to ask "What" and "How" instead.


So, HBH, what about asking your WH "what do you get out of not doing the timeline?" or "what do you think you will get out of doing the timeline?".

I think his answers will be quite telling for you.


Hang in there HBH. You are fighting for your family.

HBH,

Sorry if this hurts but I cannot imagine that it would hurt any worse then what is already happening to you. I don't think that BaT is invested in fixing things. He is looking for a 'quick fix'. He came to MB and posted hoping to find a 'quick fix' and when that didn't happen he disappeared. My guess is that he was hoping for that same 'quick fix' from talking with SH but once again, it's not there and he just isn't willing to do the hard work that a proper recovery requires. How much longer can you go on carrying the whole load? If he isn't going to invest in recovery then you need to seriously consider Plan B.

I don't think I have posted to you yet, but I have followed your story.

Just my 2cents but I would go ahead and make another session with Steve for yourself. I would ask BaT for his reasoning like was posted above, letting him know you are moving ahead with the coaching for your own recovery and if Steve wants to know what happened to BaT you will pass along his reasons for not finishing his assignment.

It makes him accountable to Steve anyway, even though he *thinks* this can all just get swept under the rug.

Hang in there.

Susie beat me to what I was going to suggest.....

HbH,

I was going to say the same thing. I would call Steve and make an appointment for @ the 24th of this month. I happened to look at my calendar and noticed that 2/24 was a little over a week ago. So, I say give him a bit of time to do this. It is truly the hardest part of what BaT is going to have to deal with. It is very hard and emotionally taxing for the WS to examine what they have done because it required true self-reflection. Many, many WS have a difficult time doing this part, and try to do whatever they can to get out of it. I am not saying that this is okay, just that this is the most difficult part of the journey. Since it has been only 9 days since he received this assignment, I would give him a bit of more time. To me a month is MORE than sufficent. WS generally like the ideal of meeting EN'S, avoiding LB's, and making everything all grande and hunky-dorrey, but what they don't understand is that won't last long if they don't deal with trauma they have inflicted on their spouses and the marriage.

Then you should call Steve and ask him for help on where YOU go from here, if BaT hasn't completed it by then. My first thought WAS seperation and Plan B, but since you are getting help from the professionals, it would be best if you stick to their Plans.

I suspect that BaT isn't the first WS to try and get out of this and I'm sure Steve has dealt with this before.

Until the, you need to continue your OWN personal healing and self work. I would also suggest that any frusterations that come along to continue posting here. This will help you to keep your Taker at bay and not to engage in any Love Busters. Hopefully by doing this you will also not develop any residual resentment.

I am truly sorry for this bump in Recovery though. If only the WS could truly understand what the BS is going through at this point and develop that "empathy" emotion right away......

not2fun

I have...he says its because of the way I question him and that I get angry...and I'm sure I should say "thank you for being honest"...but I don't, so that's where its at. He also can't tell the same story twice (which I have said before he has a terrible memory, its not just with PA) and I remember every detail so I catch him every time. This is very frustrating for BaT. Steve Harley had a big word for it...filling in the details to make a story "flow"....I can't remember what it was now.

mindshare,

Believe me, what you are saying, I have told myself 100 times a day.

I've even told BaT..."if this falls into your lap, great, you'll take it, but if you have to do the work, forget it" because that is the truth of how I feel. In fairness, he is willing to do SOME things...he's worked on his anger, frustration, being more supportive, etc..but he absolutely will not do the timeline...

That's why we stopped our MC the first time, because I had been asking him to write everything down for me (its hard to talk about it, because I stop and question discrepancies) since D-Day. I told our first MC how hard this was for me without knowing all the details and the MC agreed that BaT had to do this. BaT has just drawn a line in the sand. I knew it as soon as Steve said what the assignment was...and told Steve as much.

BUT, I don't want to do a Plan-B...I wouldn't make it...I just know me and I can't deal with it.

I will make the appt with Steve like NOT suggested and just hang in there...

HBH,

Your first MC said that he had to write it all down and then Dr Harley said to do a time-line.....sounds like that must be the answer.

And he refuses.

The waywards love themselves more than the betrayed.

A plan B you couldn't make?? Same with a plan D?

What a dilemma.

kirk

I could do a Plan D...I'm just not there yet because I still think that the best thing for our babies is for BaT to be here...but no, could not do a Plan B....just wouldn't want him back, no way, no how.

I don't know...it is VERY confusing...why would he stay if he doesn't want to be here...I have offered him money and lots of it..because I didn't want him to stay with me for the $$$...then I thought maybe it was because he was worried about visiting the kids, so I made some legal arrangements for that (basically I will pay for any travel costs for him to fly to see the kids whereever we live)...he's turned it all down...he says all he wants is our life back...

""he says all he wants is our life back...""

As long as there is no REAL heavy lifting involved.

He has no right to draw that line in the sand.

Obstinate, proud, stubborn jock ?

You stay strong and back that bully down. Sounds like humble is not in his make up.

kirk

C'mon HBH.... are you reading any other threads around here? Talk is cheap. Actions mean everything. He can say that until the cows come home but his ACTIONS are saying that he isn't willing to do what it takes.... Consider this.

"talk is cheap"...

you're telling me...lol

But, I just can't see that BaT's "line in the sand" is worth splitting up over...and I do read other threads ALL THE TIME...and those threads make me think that BaT is doing more than alot of WH out there...

He has cut off all contact with anyone who "turned a blind eye" to the A, he is 100% transparent, spends all of his time with our family, has thrown himself into being a dad, basically EVERYTHING but the "timeline" and RH...

So, the question is this...is a timeline worth a Plan-D?

You are still very early in this, and the anger is normal. You need to learn to expect NOTHING from hubby right now. You are right that he is doing more than most of the WS's here.

I agree with the others that you need to continue counseling with the Harley's. Hubby doesn't want to do the timeline. Just accept that. It doesn't have anything to do with you or his family. But if YOU continue on the road to recovery, hubby will have to also.

Hi HbH

BaT needs to do the work that Steve Harley has assigned him to do!

You've paid good money for the MC and expecting BaT to do the assignments is not asking much at all! Anyways, it's SH that has made the requests to do the assignments, not you! He needs to get off his fanny and get to work... And I've not hesitated to be blunt with him about this already!

As you know, I e-mailed with BaT for about 2 weeks, we had a few good email discussions (at least from my perspective, I do know I was a bit harsh, but he seemed to respond positively), but it's been 2 weeks since any sustantial discussions. I did ask him for a phone number to chat with him one on one. He mentioned that the keyboard is not his friend, and since I type only 5wpm (lol) I thought that would be a good alternative too. He has not shared a number with me, or emailed much since. I'm not sure whats up with him, but if he would spend some time with me, I think we can get him to engage again. Dunno? But it's worth a try. My hope is to see you both succeed and restore your M and your family.

TST,

It's been 11 days since Steve gave him the assignment...probably around the same time ur talking about...I don't know what to do...

BaT knowsthat I don't want to give up on M and I just think this is his "line in the sand"...and its nothing new...I asked him to write all of this down immediately after D-day, our MC told him to do it about 6 weeks after D-day and now SH...

BaT seemed to be doing really well for a few weeks while talking with you....he was calmer, said the "right" things, etc..but as soon as SH told him the assignment, he is just done. Now, BaT won't say that...he just always has an excuse for why he can't get it done,,but I just won't call his bluff on this one, and he knows it.

He hasn't said anything to me about giving his # out...but you know what a privacy freak I am so maybe that's why he hasn't given it to you...do you want me to say something to him? Any suggestions are welcome...I really want to get THROUGH this and I feel like BaT wants us to get OVER this...and there is a world of difference....

Where is YOUR line in the sand?

Your marriage hinges on where yours is, not his. This recovery is not in his control, as you seem to think it is, with him not doing his homework - aka get real about what really happened and give you the details about your life behind your back that he violated...

The man cheated.

He can be an angel now, but if he hasn't righted the wrong, the cancer is still there, embedded in your marriage, and until it's rooted out, he's unwilling to do the one behavior that could prevent it from happening again.

BaT - I know you read here. Forget about concealing that fact. Go ahead and be pissed. But you're in the doghouse, and the only way out is to man up and face the consequences - all of them - of YOUR behavior. You have [bar none] the best man in the business to help your wife get over what ever you think you still have to hide.

But you don't have forever.

I'm going to encourage your wife to get some off-board support in the event she needs to Plan B your ***. I'm going to refer her to the newsletter section of the marriage builder discussion boards, and read up on "When to Call It Quits" - part one and two.

Even if you're not cheating, you're cheating her out of true recovery.

That's still cheating in a chamber or two of your heart.

You will never know what true closeness is, until you become truly vulnerable.

I know that's scary to you.

But until you go through, you have no clue as to the rewards of courage.

Man up!

He said he's holding off giving me his number because he knows how important your privacy is.... I understand this, but I think some phone conversations may be very helpful if you're willing to give him the green light.

KA,

My line in the sand is any more inappropriate behavior from BaT with females.

I really meant it when I said I'm not sure what to do...

I mean, he is HERE. He is here changing diapers in the middle of the night, taking our kids to the playground, tucking them in at night. He is here holding my hand, helping me with the house, and the business. It's no small thing...

Having said that, I can't explain how it makes me feel that he is SO unwilling to do something that I ask..that our old MC asked, that SH is currently asking...Does he refuse to do it to hold on to something special/secret with POSOW? Does he refuse to do it to have something to hold over my head? Does he refuse to do it because he knows that it would help me and BaT really likes this "new" me (full of doubts, unsure of myself,etc)? Does he refuse to do it because he's secretly hoping that I will give up and Plan-D him?

Ok, I just asked BaT why he hadn't said anything to me about the phone issue...no real answer...I told him to give you his cell number, so we will see...

Thanks TST!!!

You're welcome!

[quote=hurt_but_hopeful
Does he refuse to do it to hold on to something special/secret with POSOW? Does he refuse to do it to have something to hold over my head? Does he refuse to do it because he knows that it would help me and BaT really likes this "new" me (full of doubts, unsure of myself,etc)? Does he refuse to do it because he's secretly hoping that I will give up and Plan-D him? [/quote]

He doesn't do it because he knows he doesn't have to. You have made it abudantly clear that you are going to stay in the M no matter what. You are 'teaching' him that he doesn't have to do the heavy lifting. You aren't willing to make it an absolute requirement for recovery so why should he do it? He knows that as long as he doesn't cheat on you again you will stay with him. I can read it in your posts so clearly so why wouldn't he be able to? All he has to do is stay out of future trouble and sweep the rest under the rug and you will settle HBH..... You've all but said it here in your thread. It's sad to see that you are willing to 'stick it out' no matter what he does as long as he doesn't have another affair. That's my read on your sitch. I could be completely wrong of course but I don't think so....