HBH,

You said IF this is true, you should file today. Your are not married to a man that cares about his family or you, if this is the case.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

I totally agree. It sounds like BaT only stays because you make it easy for him to stay, and if it's not easy enough and comfy enough he'll just run off to become a drunk or a rock star (or both).

This is not how men behave when they love you.

You may very well need Plan B, which can often lead to Plan D. If it does, then you will have a chance to find a real man whom your young children can grow up calling "Daddy" since BaT just doesn't find them worth his effort.

And I'm dead serious.

That's what I thought you'd say.

If BaT continues to refuse you what you need to work through the trauma he caused you, Plan B will be your best hope to give your children the family they deserve.

As you continue to be denied the very things that could bring you healing, your anger and hurt will NOT subside. Instead it will turn to resentment and it will destroy your family, whether BaT stays in the home or not.

I believe that the best case scenario is ALWAYS mommy and daddy married, living together, and in love.

That does NOT mean that daddy not living in the home is the WORST case scenario.

Please think about that.

And think about what resentment toward your husband will do to the environment your children will be raised in and to your ability to be the type of mother you desire to be.

Then ask yourself if you are really ready to take Plan B off the table of possibilities.

I understand what you are saying.

And its not much different from other posters...no boundaries= no healing= no recovery.

I don't think BaT and I are in recovery...I think we are in some sort of LIMBO HELL

He's staying and I'm allowing him to stay.

We have good days and we have bad days.

But we are not recovering our M.

I just don't want you guys to think I'm not listening to what you are saying. I am. I get it.

And I get the Boundary. But the question is what do I do if BaT refuses? Which is what I think he will do. Don't I have to be ready to Plan-B?

I guess my point is, I shouldn't give him a boundary (knowing that he will not abide by it) unless I am ready to do something about it. Am I wrong?

HBH there are many here on this board who SAVED their marriages because of Plan B.

Plan B does not have to mean Plan D.

Plan B is saying, "I have waited all I can for you to remove your head from your hiney. I now must protect myself AND OUR CHILDREN from the afffects of head-uppa-da-assa. I want our family to be together and when you are willing to do your part in that, I hope to still have enough love left to reconcile."


Do you see how different Plan B is from Plan D? Two totally different goals, but they both have the potential to result in Plan D...but then so does the path you are on.

If it is a reasonable boundary that happy couples in love do not cross, then why not make and enforce it? Some boundaries, like a wedding vow, are mutally agreed and aren't meant to be crossed. If he does at least you will feel better that it wasn't you who crossed a boundary that was fair, descent, and reasonable.

JL,

The fact is I am not married to a man that cares about his family or me. BaT is not the man I've spent the last 8 years of my life with...he is just not. I don't know or understand BaT. I see GLIMPSES of my husband. GLIMPSES.

You ask Steve Harley what he suggests. He is the expert. He is working with both of you. Let him help you determine the best path for you to give you the best chance at creating the family you desire for your children.






I don't think you have to be ready to start Plan B right this very minute. I just think you should not remove it as a possible step to saving your marriage.

I will go out on the limb here with you all and add my 2 cents (what they are worth)

Consider 'getting yourself ready for plan B' as you mentioned you should be but are not.

Line up financial things in a row. Your safety nets.
Consider your internal strength as something that must be worked like a muscle. You are right that going to B is rough. It is so very un-what we want to have to do at that juncture. It is a thing that needs personal fortitude to ride.

Once in it though....if you are truly dark.....after a bit of grief of going to it

You

get

strong

You really, truly DO!

Then, you are able to clearly make decisions that are right for you and your children.

It strengthens your ability to consider all things. ALL things vs just the original desire for saving the marriage no matter what the state of it is.

You do the hard work of strengthing yourself. Rebuilding your own personal sense of worth and then you can take whatever the outcome of what your spouse turns out to be made of.

The kids will read your signals of how to deal with it.

So. Prepare for B. The preparation in itself is affirming of self.

You can then decide when to go there. If to go there. It won't be a decision based in fear though. It will be a decision you make from a place of strenght.

Done with my spiel.

That is the typical wayward alien. My husband and I had been married 19 years, and he had been a wonderful, loving, commited husband and father throughout. Then BAM!

IF he will work MB COMPLETELY--which includes radical honesty past and present--you will gradually see husband return. If he continues the half-hearted attempts, alien will continue to reside in some shape or form.

Can you live with the alien indefinitely?

SMB,

Got it. I am sure I can do Plan-B if I had to, although it really does seem like the end of the world to me right now. But it is what it is.

If BaT, hasn't completed assignment, then I am going to have an IC with SH on 3-24 (one month from when BaT was given the timeline assignment) and I will see what SH says to do.

Thanks again to all you strangers who listen

I wish we were a happy couple in love We are not.

I think I am doing the right thing by letting my babies' father live at home, hoping like hell that BaT will disappear and my DH will reappear.

BaT thinks he is doing the right thing by living at home with his family. Who knows what he is hoping for....

HBH, has your husband ever had a drinking issue?

I understand.

I thought tst leaving was the end of the world, too. Then the world got bigger than my little eyes could see and my little mind could imagine.






This is a great plan!

I'm sure you can, too.

We BS's find strength we never imagined we had....or would need.

You've got it in you, HBH!

How does one with no job survive and buy alcohol?

What kind of job would he get to allow him to be a "Rockstar"?



I still think you see glimpses of the act that your husband put on that where already close to his personality. I do not think the person you think you married ever existed.


I am going to ask you a personal question. If you do not want to, don't answer it. It may be painful, but I am not asking to hurt you. I am trying to get inside BAT's head.

I assume, or perhaps read that OW is younger than you, Is this correct?

Is she more physically attractive than you?


(Don't worry, we know she is a POS basket case no matter how she may look on the outside)

Gack, I think this questioning is not helpful. We already know BaT's head right now. He's a typical wayward.

Not before this MLC (about 6 months before PA)...7 years and he drank anything other 2-3 beers occasionally...about a year ago, he started drinking whiskey and it just spiraled...he would have 2-4 drinks every nite (even if we stayed at home) and would get intoxicated at EVERY social event (I was always the social drinker, not him).

But I don't think he has a "problem" per se, because he stopped drinking (one of my few requirements). I don't like it, I don't like his attitude, etc.

So now, he doesnt drink at all...but I just say that because I know he would if I weren't around to stop it.

He's got a credit card

Rockstar to BaT is living on our boat (WHICH I CANT SEEM TO SELL IN THIS STUPID ECONOMY) and drinking...its not expensive.


You may well be right...it's a hell of a con job to pull for 7+years, but I don't trust my judgment at all anymore, so who knows....



OW is average at best...really nothing that would turn anyone's head. Not ugly, not pretty, just plain. Having said that, our baby was 4 months old when PA started, so did OW have a better "bikini body" than me after having 3 kids in 3 years...YES.

But I would really have never thought BaT would be attracted to her, honestly. OW has a very weird shaped body, strech marks, just plain.

I am the opposite of "plain"...it HURTS SO BAD...she is the exact opposite of me in every way...reason # 197 why I think BaT hates me...