I found out 1.5 months ago my H was having an affair with someone that lives 3,000 miles away. They have met 3 times and have had many emails and phone calls. He thinks he is in love with her. He was going through all the signs of an affair and finally broke down and told me.

He wrote an email saying that he has to be responsible for his family (kids are 16 and 17) but I think he has her in the wings when they are 2 years older. He does not know if he loves me (has strong feeings for me) but he loves her.

He feels he can not commit to our relationship but is doing so out of duty. I do love him and have been in Plan A for 4 weeks. I am ready to throw in the towel and move on as I am so frustrated. We have been to a therapist and he is going on his own to find out why he is not fulfilled.

Should I keep on going in this relationship?
The OW is far away and he has not travelled to her country, but can very easily for work.

HELP

Did you see the email?
If not, he needs to hand write a NC (no contact) letter that meets your approval and that you mail to her.

Who knows about his affair? How did they find out?

Do you have access to his cellphone records, financial records, computer passwords, email, everything?

Welcome to MB.

PS don't run off and talk to him about the stuff on here. You will sabotage your own plans. Stick around, learn, and get guidance here. This is your haven. There will be a time to introduce him to MB but NOT NOW.

Sorry you are here.
I am in the same situation, the OM is in Australia.
The first things people will say are:
Look at the basics.
Have you exposed? to whom?

Exposure changed my WW behavior around 180.

Don't beat yourself up during Plan A, it isn't meant to be permanent, and 4 weeks is a long time. I was ready to continue Plan A after exposure, but my wife left the house so I had to have Plan B ready (good thing I had it ready).

Ill keep an eye out on your thread, hopefully a couple vets will chime in here soon, they are good.

I forgot to mention, after admitting the affair to me ... he then sent her a love email..but emailed me by mistake. He then has felt so bad but he was really busted then...and it was a very heart felt email......

He then wrote an email to the OW saying that he was going to live up to his responsibilities with us .. he showed me the email but it did not have her email address as he DOES NOT want me to know that. "she is a good person".....

I do not have access to his email. He runs a company and everything is locked up. He keeps his brief case open and I have found notes he has made to himself about me, her, as well as himself trying to better HIMSELF.

I have not mentioned anything about this site. I have just been reading for weeks on here and finally had to ask for advice. It is such a great site and I have been in Plan A as I mentioned.

Thank you

Yes I have exposed out of shock to my most important friends and family members. Great support team. He knows they know.

Is your wife still gone.
Or does Plan B work.???

Thanks

Good on the exposure. Plan B is great, especially for me. I have time to think and prep myself for when I allow her to come back. I am making a recovery plan right now. I think I will be ready to take her in on the 17th. I really haven't felt this good for months. Hard part about this is that you can not snoop as easy, and see if NC is happening.

Did he tell you himself or did you confront him?
Him breaking down and telling you himself is an obvious sign that he feels a little remorse. Telling you that he does not love you is just himself trying to justify his affair. My WW did the same thing, and it is a common pattern here. Now she is singing a different toon since she is cut off from OM, and I have gone DARK on her.

Hi thanks for the chat it feels so good to talk to someone.
No he told me himself...he felt so bad for so long...guilt

Would love to hear how you put Plan B together...how long has she been gone? I like the insight about him not telling me why he does not love me...interesting thought. Did not know it was so common. I really do not care if I do Plan B if I can not snoop, I would rather be where you are and preparing yourself for her return, allowing her to come back.

Yesterday was another bad day in the neighborhood...he is so flippy about what he wants..but says he is not in contact with her...maybe he is just going through withdrawls....

I would love to hear about how Plan B and I am so glad you feel great!! I am happy for you...great job

Saanum, who is the OW? Is she married? How can you find this out? The fact that he won't give you her email address tells me a) he is not ending his affair and b) he has probably lied to her about his marital status.

She is likely lying to him about her marital status, too, so it is CRITICAL that you find out who she is.

Saanum, you should not believe what he says about contact. It is most likely a lie. You need to spy on him and find out what he is doing behind your back.

The OW lives 3000 miles away, not married, 1 small kid. Met on a business trip. She knows about me as he showed me the email sent to her saying he has to live right now for the present and his responsibilities to the kids. He is only a step dad and from Europe but has been here for 7 years and the primary care dad for the kids who are 15 and 16 and love him.

The OW knows this and wants to to fulfill his obligation....she loves him...I know her frist name and that she is Mexican...I will find out what I can...thanks

I will see what I can do...but he is pretty locked up in the puter department ... they said they made a pack not to be in touch...I don't know how I can catch him...and what I will do if he is still...I do not trust him...but he says NO he is not in touch...I am being stupid...but you have to have the proof....if he is talking with her...then he will mess up again...and go into withdrawl again.....

Plan Be I think I am heading that way.

How do you know she is not married?

Cheaters always lie, though. Can you slip a keylogger on his computer?

I do not know for sure. But H said she was a widow and had a 4 year old son. This I believe, he mentioned in therapy as well as she was free and he was the one with obligation, that frustrates him even more.

Yes cheaters do always lie .. don't they.
What is a keylogger?

Could you please explain "going dark", I feel I have gone dark....but not sure I believe it is just my feelings that are dark!!

I will see what I can find out.
Very hard now to spy as he does everything outside the house on his laptop at work.
But he will slip again.....thanks for your insite I really appreciate it.

Did the email he showed you have her email address on it? If not then you can not be sure that she knows about you. At least you can not be sure that she knows the true story.

How did he show you an email with out an email address? How are you sure that the actually sent it? I would put a keylogger on his computer and snoop to find out more about OW and this A.

Does he bring his laptop home? If so, sneak a keylogger on it. A good one is eblaster at spectorpro.com

He does not want to hurt her he said and that she is the one that called the affair off because of his obligation. He wrote the email then said he sent it and then whited out her address and photo copied the email...why do I believe him??? I do not know why...that was a couple of weeks ago and since then I have dropped the issue.
I am sure she might not know the true story, but she knows about me.
What is a keylogger and how do u do that?
Thanks for your imput... I hate my life right now