I havent been around these forums for awhile. WH's afair was discovered at the end of 2008. Since then been hanging onto the rollercoaster of recovery.
Ow was a co-worker, and they worked off and on until last summer. Things started to get better then for me -because she left town to work. WH lost he job and has probably been depressed - and when he gets that way he has tried to email her again. (he found her on facebook.grrr)
Even throughout my outbursts, he seems to think that they can be friends?? I've been using a keylogger & I confronted him in January - saying I knew he planned to try to meet her for lunch. It never worked out but he keeps trying to email.

Here I intercepted, wrote OW an email on Facebook myself, explainging how I felt and asking for some respect etc. She replied that she hadnt met hm last week and would never again try to out of respect for me. I also saw her response to him on FB was "I'm sorry, I will not hurt (your wife) any longer."

Oh course he wrote back whining that they are adults and should be allowed to be friends.(blah blah).and some sucky stuff about where he worked and would see her on the way home someday. (At the same time he totally ignored me and would not speak to me for 2 days)

So of course she replied "of course we are friends - call me" **I deleted this email and he has never seen it** --by now he was speaking to me again and we were having great times together.

So now a month later, hes tried to email her thru FB again. (and giving even more details on our relationship to her.)

Here is my dilema: She has replied (in FB) BUT he is waiting for email notices and doesnt check into FB...so hasnt seen it yet. Its more or less says "yes we can talk - call me at ***-**** and we'll meet - I'm honoured you want to discuss this with me."

If you were me - would you delete that? (then the last one he has read is still the one saying she wont hurt me anymore)

(and yes - I know we have to have a talk about breaking NC - but I'm worried if I ask him to write her a NC letter - he will see that reply in FB and change his mind. ) It has now been 2 weeks since he wrote her & he checked emails alot at first! but since last Thurs or so, he has again started being much nicer and loving to me again.

sorry if this is long and confusing

How many affairs has he had? Is this a way of life for him or has your marriage just never recovered from the last affair?

So whats the plan going forward.

He is going to keep attempting to contact her and you will try to be gate keeper and prevent from happening.
Do you plan on sleeping at night with one eye open ?

Also the minute he realises OW is interested I guess its back on ?
How long are you going to deny the fact that the only reason there is no continuing A is simply because the OW is out. The minute she is in its back on . Why would you be willing to accept your WH under those terms?

If your R is to succeed, your WH has to want it.

I would advise preparing for an immediate Plan B. If I was in your place, I would pack all his belongings and have them waiting on the front doorstep when he gets home.

The time for talk is over. Either make a plan quickly and act, or prepare yourself to suffer the death of a thousand cuts.

This A has never truly ended.

Please read my story, at least enough to get through the false recoveries.

You don't have anything remotely resembling a repentant FWH, and you won't without serious action and setting the bar very high for him to come back to you.

Sorry if I been away from this post - Its been hard trying to find out how I feel.

At first I was very angry at the types of replies I was getting, but realized its only because I'm so wimpy. Cant make any decisions. or..dont want to make any decisions. grrr.

And then I started to read Neaks story -and its sooo long its gonna take awhile....

As for one question - he only had the one affair with a co-worker, mostly an EA with a small PA in the middle, then continued as 'friends'. After d-day, they worked same company but diff locations. After both jobs ended, there was NC until the emails I found on FB - planning to meet but hasnt happend yet.
I assumed R, but I guess it was wishful thinking.

update:
Well. Today I do know that he finally looked at her reply in facebook (I almost deleted it this morning, but I didn't for some reason -- Do I want to catch him? ) From what I've read from both of them - they ( just want to talk, dont want to reignite any flames etc.)

I dont know what to do - we are living on the edge - I'm the only one working but even I have to do most work from home because I dont have enough gas money to drive to the office daily.

I want to write him a letter - so I know what to say (since I always break down when I try to talk in person but want to be strong) how do I start? what should I include in it? How do I set the bar??

He has to write a NC letter that you approve of and that you both send. There can be NO meetings!
And get rid of that FB sh*t. The Devil himself came up with that thing.

Good job not deleting it. He has to want this, too. She can send emails faster than you can police and delete them.

The most crucial parts of my story are in the first 5-10 pages. I don't have time to look for it right now, but by the time you get to my second letter, with accompanying list of "what it will take", you'll find quite a few ideas as to your setting-the-bar level.

The devil is in the details, and until he's ready to let you send his NC letter that you have approved, plus change ALL contact information, including emails and phone numbers, plus deleting his FB account, he's not ready to recover.

I love FB myself, and don't automatically advise to get rid of it, however when any part of an A has been carried on using FB, or if there have been any contact attempts through it, it's just too risky.

When all is said and done, you will begin to recover when you feel safe. Right now you don't, and you shouldn't. That's his job.

Maintain a Plan A-like environment for a very few days, just long enough to get your plan in order and your letter written. Then let him have it. He'll let you know when he's ready for R by his willingness and actions.

To be clear about FB, in your case because it has been used, I wholeheartedly recommend that one of your boundaries for WH be getting rid of it.

He's not giving her up... did you expose?
To whom?
How?