This is my first post to these boards and I am hoping someone can give my marriage some insight and guidance. My wife and I have been together for 11 years and have been married for almost 5. We are both 28 and do not have any kids. For the past few years, things became very complacent with us and neither of us were meeting the others 10 emotional needs. I blame myself and take full responsibility for our downward spiral. I neglected my wife and obviously she is not going to want to fulfill my emotional needs when I am making her feel poorly. It was a snowball effect and we were in a downward spiral. About a year and a half ago I became friends with someone at work who started meeting all these needs and we grew closer and closer. Before I knew it, I was completely wrapped up in this other woman and neglected my wife even further.

I was completely oblivious to reality and so caught up in myself and lost complete focus of my marriage. One day I came home and all my wifes stuff, including her were gone. This came as a complete shock to me and really made me evaluate my life, my priorities and my actions. When I look back on this, it should not have come as a shock to me because my wife perpetually tried to get through to me. I was completely walled off from her and shut down. When she moved out, it was a huge wake up call for me and gave me the clarity that I had been lacking for so long. My wife has always been the most instrumental person in my life and my very best friend.

She agreed to go to counseling with me 9 months ago and we did this. We also spent a lot of time together doing a lot of fun things. We were building back up the foundation and friendship that defined us in the beginning and we were making terrific strides. I was and am still willing to do whatever it takes. I eliminated the other woman from my life without hesitation and seeked individual counseling for myself. I have worked hard to improve myself as a person and grow in other areas such as my spirituality. My wife and I seemed to be making great progress but she has recently shared that she doesn�t have any romantic feelings for me right now. She wont kiss me, wont sit close to me and wont hold my hand when we are walking somewhere. She has become frustrated that its been 10 months and these feelings still have not returned. These romantic feelings are very important to her and she is at a point where she feels they will never come back. She says she loves me but is not in love with me and seems to have lost her fight. I on the other hand have not lost my fight because I believe so strongly in us and our potential.

I don�t think our counseling has helped very much and seems to have just been focused on us strengthening ourselves individually instead of as a couple. My wife has shared that it was the years of neglect that caused her to reach her breaking point and when I became involved with another woman that is what inspired her to move out and get away from the hurt and the pain. She shares that memories from the years of neglect are more painful than the affair. I have worked very hard on myself and know I can be the husband that she deserves. I have been and always will be willing to do whatever it takes and know our marriage can be something special.

I am hoping someone can give me some guidance on how to reignite those romantic feelings inside of her. I have the 10 emotional needs printed out and keep a copy on my fridge and in my wallet. I have worked very hard to meet all the needs that she allows me to meet. I have also read all the basic concepts from Dr Harly and read his book his needs, her needs. I try to make daily deposits into her love bank and have made very few withdrawals over the past 10 months. I have worked as hard as I possibly can and am always looking to work even harder.

Please help give me some advice on how to nurture and reignite the romantic feelings inside my wife. This is the key to our recovery and I know its possible but I just need some help. My marriage is the most important thing in my life, my wife is the most important person in my life and I know we can be extremely happy together again. I was the one who brought our marriage tumbling down but I have worked very hard to make changes to myself and I believe I am an even better version than the person she fell in love with 11 years ago. So any insight and advice would be much appreciated. I have read many great things on these boards and know there are many intelligent and insightful people that can help. Thank you

Sammy

Sammy, is she still moved-out?

Yes - my wife moved out 11 months ago and still lives on her own a few miles away. I know that is what she needed then. I asked her recently if she has any intentions of moving back home and she said "not really". She said she kind of likes living on her own. This was not what I wanted to hear but I support her and try my best to accomodate her needs. I know our reconnection is more difficult when we live apart but I am willing to work even harder given any situation

I am doing everything I can to help us reconnect but sometimes it feels like the more and more I try and do, the more I push her away. When she moved out and I didn�t get to see her very often, I wrote her a letter every day. Some people may label that as desperate but it was my way of reaching out to her and opening up a part of myself that I had kept walled off to her for so long. I wanted her to see how important she is, my marriage is and how dedicated I am to us. I hand wrote these letters for 9 months. Each and every day, no matter where I was, I would hand write her, postmark it and get it to the mailbox. I remember days where I was sick in bed with 103 degree fever and could barely walk but still managed to send her this. She told me that she enjoyed reading them so I continued to send them. A couple months ago she said that I could tone them down a bit so that is what I have done.

I tried to give her some more space recently and stopped calling her all the time for a while hoping she might reach out to me. I also stopped planning stuff for us to do thinking a little time away might help things progress. This did not happen as she seems perfectly content without me in her life. If I don�t call her � we don�t talk.

I have asked her to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and she has revealed that her needs now are not the same as what they were when we were still living together so I have had little feedback on that. I have also asked her to read some excerpts from Dr Harley but that doesn�t seemed to have helped either. I have suggested some spiritual retreats as well which she has declined.

I think she feels like I am trying to tell her what to do but I am doing the best I know how and trying to find the best way to bring us closer because I know its possible.

Sammy,
Sorry for your situation. Sounds like your BS has emotionally detached from you. Harley has a good article on why women leave men. Your added EA sort of put the lid on her totally detaching from you. Once a woman emotionally detaches, it is very difficult to get her back. But that is not to say it doesn't happen.
Why Women Leave Men

Here's another link on how to restore love
How to Restore Love in Marriage

If you can afford it, I would consider doing a phone consult with Harley. You can't push a program on your wife. For now, try to be your Wife's best friend. Geniunely be interested in what's going on in her life even if she's not interested in your life.

Gg

When EXACTLY did you do this? When did you end your affair?
How did you end the affair? Do you continue to see this woman at work?

I ended the affair with the woman a couple days after my wife left. I did this almost a year ago and told the other woman that I was in love with my wife and we cant talk or even be friends. I have had no contact and have been completely dedicated to my marriage.

I see the other woman every now and then in passing but there are no feelings there. She is engaged to another guy and there is nothing there. I have still been looking for another job regardless but the market has been tough. If my wife told me to quit today....or to move somewhere....I would do it in a heartbeat.

Is it possible that your W might be involved with someone else?

If I was you, I would start doing a little snoopingto find out if there is an OM. Asking her outright is not likely going to get you the correct answer.

Thanks everyone for the responses so far.

I have entertained the thought that there might be someone else and have done some mild snooping. She seems to be sincere when she says there is not and says she is trying hard to get the romantic feelings to come back.

I know I am not an expert but I do wonder how the romantic feelings can ever come back when she never calls me, never reaches out to me, doesnt want to spend time with me etc. She tells me that she enjoys her time by herself and likes living alone

All the changes she has asked me to make, I have made and then some. I have worked as hard as anyone possible but nothing seems to affect her.

What do you mean by mild snooping?

I do understand your wife if she doesn't feel romantic about you after years of neglect and affair. Especially, if she does know that you and your OW are still working together (does she know?).

Maybe she is not asking you to leave the job because she finds it obvious precondition and waits you to act.

I have just checked on phone records from time to time. I think if there was someone else she would just cut ties with me and move forward.

My wife says that its not even the EA that is the hurdle right now - she says its getting past the years of neglect.

I would be willing to quit in a heartbeat or even move if that is what she asked me to do. I have been an open book to my wife and tell her anything and everything she wants to know. I dont even go to any work functions or picnics if the other woman is going to be there. I am struggling financially right now by myself and if my wife would move back in, I could even take a lower paying job. I would do anything she asked me to do and even sacrifice my career to save our marriage.

The biggest issue is her quest to capture the romantic feelings for me again. I dont know what else I can do but wont give up on my marriage.

Why do you think your wife admits affair as soon as you do asking? Maybe she does not want to loose you as an option?

Have your read a book from Michelle Langley "Women's Infidelity", especially part II?**edit** It's about women in affairs who are "confused" and in limbo and can't decide whether to choose OM or H and in the same time don't tell their H about A. And they are angry to their H because they do not see the obvious (the existence of A) because why else they forced to their H to move out and act coldly?

I see many similarities in your story and in situation described in the book, I strongly suggest to read it.

I'm sorry if I'm too concentrated to affairs but I have seen many similar stories here ( Example ) and they all ended with discovery of affair.

So, you have to rule out this possibility first entirely before deciding what to do next. For that stronger measures are needed than just occasional phone check. Snooping advice

And stop telling your W that you are suspecting.

Why wait until she asks you?
She has checked out. She's not going to make any requests of you because she's not invested in the marriage. Don't put ownership of "fixing things" on her by saying you would do it IF she only asked. She does not own this, you do.

The fact that you continue to be in close proximity with OW and with people who are in her circle of influence is toxic to your M.

Get another job.

There could be another guy and I will dig deeper.

As far as the job goes, I have been looking for another job for a long time but unfortunately I have to be somewhat selective given the current financial situation.

I know its an issue because I wouldnt be happy if the situation was reversed so I am trying to address this. I dont think this is our biggest issue right now as the OW is engaged and getting married. That being said - its still an issue and I am fixing it .

The biggest hurdle now seems to just be the years of neglect and emotional abuse. I said a lot of hurtful things that she knows I reget so I hope someone could give me some direction in this area

She says she sees the changes and all the strides I have made to show her my true colors but nothing seems to be good enough.

We just seem to be in limbo now and I need some help. I want to reach out to her but I feel like I am bothering her when I do. When I give her the space she needs now - we never talk at all and just seem to be getting further apart. We are in limbo now and I know there is a path to recovery....I just need help uncovering it

Have you followed any suggestions provided here in MB?

Yes - I have read the books suggested and am confident there is no other person my wife is seeing. She keeps telling me there are no "romantic feelings" anymore for me and she cant be married to someone there are no feelings for. She doesn't seem very interested in spending time together and never wants to talk. I don't know what else to do

If snooping doesn't show anything (cell phone logs, voice recorder in car, keylogger on computer), see if you can get her on the phone with the MB Coaching Center. Failing that, you should call the Harleys yourself and see if the can help you define a plan of action to rebuild the love banks.

Dr. Harley's MB method is a Cognitive Behavior Therapy that works, period. In other words, feelings are developed by using his strategy. Simply put, his technique is to consciously use the way that people fall in love ANYWAY and this time on purpose instead of by accident.

Larry