New here. Might not be welcome b/c of all the anti-MB things I continue to do. I am lost. I constantly go back and forth btwn wanting to stay married and not. Right now I can honestly say that I am only here for the kids. H's EA started in 7/09 and quickly turned into PA. He continues to work with her. She is 20 which makes me sick. He claims to want to fix our marriage but continues to stay in contact with her in and out of work. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous to put up with. The problem is if I expose, I know our M is over. If we separate, I know our M is over. I am not taking blame for his A, but I do hold at least half responsibility for our M being unfulfilling to begin with. Neither of us has been truly happy and we have let ourselves get so distant from each other. I blame lack of communication on both of our parts for getting us where we are. Now I want to work on our relationship but he seems too far gone. Has anyone stayed for the kids and ended up happy??

You're only there for the kids because your M is not currently recoverable. Consider:

Your WH is currently having an affair.
OW is younger, which you've indicated as a sore point.
They are still working together, which cannot continue and you know it.
You are afraid to expose, so your options are non-existent and you have no control.

No wonder you're 'staying for the kids.' You haven't got anything else. You need to start reading here.

Your children are teeny tiny, so I totally get the despair and vulnerable situation you are in. It appears this all went down during your pregnancy and 'Double shame on him'. You are not the only woman this has happened to and yet.....dang it. It sucks, no two ways about it.

All betrayed spouses (and wayward ones also) are torn between staying with the spouse and not. There are plusses and minuses to both scenarios.

If you expose, it won't be what does your marriage in....the affair would be the true culprit. You must do it properly though as part of the whole MB plan.

Read up more on it and figure out how to get a handle on it and implement it best.

Meanwhile, focus on your goal of giving your children the best gift. A mom who researches, and carries out a plan for their family future and does her best to give it her all.

Nope ... w/ kids you probably have to try all your best. Don't stay because of them. They need a loving and safe environment.

You need to expose. Your M is over the moment he decides to continue A.

-rh-

I stayed for my boys after H's first affair. Didn't work out for me.

He had three more - the last being with a 25 y o single mom who worked for him (He's 38). After their A was exposed she continued working for him 3 more months (he owned the business) until I threw a gigantic fit.

We're in plan D (Divorce) now.

So I'd say: expose the affair - it's the only way to kill it. If I'd done it the first time around it would have been over 6 months sooner.

Funny thing about waywards: when caught they often don't quit the A, they just get sneakier - I've always called it going underground with the A.

Finally, very sorry you've found yourself here. BUT the people here are Fantastic. They've helped me so much - I can't begin to be grateful enough.

Just keep sharing and asks lots of questions!!

No, you have this wrong. Your marriage is already over. You don't have a marriage.

Now, if you want to get your marriage back, you should expose. You are part of the problem because you are hiding his affair for him. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so your silence aides and abets his affair.

Your lack of action is the most likely thing to lead to divorce. And worse yet, PREGNANCY.

I feel like I am stuck, and so does he. I have told him that NC has to take place and he says it is impossible right now. He truly believes that we can work it out anyway. If he loses his job we lose our house. The job market is terrible right now, too.
A little background. We have never really communicated well. I admit to being very reclusive emotionally and intimately. He is very reclusive socially and is quite the loner. This led to a marriage of really neither of our needs being met. Honestly, he did a good job of hiding the fact that he wasn't happy, so I was pretty blind to it. I was pretty happy because I met my needs in spending time with family and friends and when children came along I was quite fulfilled. He still lacked affection and intimacy from me but did not communicate this to me. We continue to grow farther apart, still very amicable just not loving. I am still pretty blind to this because I am immersed with my children. Looking back I know that I did not give him what he needed. I rejected him sex so many times but he seemed to not act like it bothered him so I didn't give it much thought. When our D was born he started sleeping in the basement a lot so as not to be awake all night from crying. I accepted this and it made sense since he works so much. This turned into him sleeping down there all the time and has since. Didn't seem like a big deal at the time but looking back it was a big mistake since it led to further distance emotionally and intimately. Then his affair is a big wake-up call to me. It made me examine my life and my actions as a wife and now I actually want to be there for him and give him the love and affection he has always desired, but now he just doesn't feel that. He gave up on me being that kind of person and came to not have that feel or desire for me anymore. He says this is the only thing that has been a problem for him in our marriage and he desperately wants to get those feelings back but he doesn't know how. I try to tell him that we need to start sleeping in the same bed but he says that feels so foreign to him now and he is not ready. I just long to feel close to him now and he doesn't understand that since I seemingly didn't care about that for years (which I guess is true). I never really examined our relationship before since I was being fulfilled in so many other ways. I always kept busy. Now I might be too late to create a loving and intimate relationship as it should be between a husband and wife.

crumbling, I only read this far, because nothing else matters until you kill the affair. If you don't do that, there is no marriage so there is nothing to talk about.

And yes you are stuck, but that is your CHOICE. That is the price you have decided to pay by avoiding conflict. You just have to be willing to accept the conseqeunces of your choice. Things will not change unless you change.

we have already talked about divorce. He seems to give more reasons for it than I do. Still says it is not what he wants though. He has so many built up years of resentment for me that if I did expose or ask him to move out, I know that he would never be able to move forward with our marriage. I just look at our precious children and can't even bear the thought of splitting up our family. My H and I have both cried hysterically at the thought of doing this to them. I don't want to trade children off and start their lives into a broken home. It tears my heart to shreds. The thing is I know that nothing would come of a relationship btwn H and OW, so I feel that if I end our M now I am just being impatient and selfish and that is not fair to our children, because I do feel that we could be happy in the future.

He is not moving forward now, though. Your marriage is over and you have nothing to lose. Hiding his affair for him will not resolve the past, but it will destroy your future. Your inaction will lead to the broken home you fear. Your enabling and hiding of his affair is more likely to cause divorce than exposing it. Hiding his affair almost ensures your marriage won't make it.

Dr Harley on exposure

p.s. your marriage can survive his temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair.

I'm sorry, but I have never found an easier, softer way.

Crumbling,



I will leave the advice to the posters that have experience and have come out on the other side.

I just wanted to say that I know how bad it hurts...I have 3 children all under 5. Most days, I don't feel like fighting for our M, BUT EVERY DAY I FEEL LIKE FIGHTING FOR MY BABIES.
I will pray for you and your family.

MB has alot of great principles, this forum has alot of great posters...don't give up!!!