Hello. I have been viewing this site now for the past few weeks without registering or posting. I feel after what I have seen here I do want to get some advice on my situation. I have also looked at one other site, but this one seems to have many dedicated members. The last time I did anything like this was in 1993, when I joined an online AA site.
So, My name is Tom (age 67) and I have been married to my wife C (64) for 41 years. We met and began dating in the summer of 1967 while we were both students***edit***. We have two kids, son and daughter, both grown and dau. thru college and grad school, and our son working and going to college here in the area.
We have had our share of problems in our marriage, but we both have been happy with having survived those. Since I am trying to cover my feelings about learning about my wife's recent affair, and our long-time marriage and some of the issues I will try to keep as brief as possible. Am sure there will be some questions from anyone reading this here, but those I can fill in on later.
My wife was disgnosed with manic-depression in 1973. Since that time there have been numerous episodes and hospitalizations. Her condition is now pretty well treated with her currnet medication. She has not had an episode since 2007. We held off having kids because of the risk of her having to go off her medication. Then after some soul searching and discussion, we decided to bite the bullet, and our daughter was born in 1982. She became pregnant with our son in 1984. That was traumatic because she did have a breakdown and had to be hospitalized and given shock treatments. Our son was healthy tho and so was C for a few years after.
The second challenge is that I am an alcoholic. I drank pretty steadily from 1987 thru 1992. It was primaily weekend drinking (still really bad) or when out ocasionally with friends from work. The long and short is that my wife and I were friends with my boss and her husband, and my wife previaled on my boss for assistance, and my boss one day intervened and told me I had a choice of losing my job or going for treatment to ***edit**. I chose treatment and the company paid for the entire thing (In those days companies did). I maintained my sobriety from July 1992 thru January 2010. I do have a sponsor, the same one I have had since 1992, He knows about my situation and me breaking my sobriety. I have read on here about exposure when I have visited, and both of our families know that I am an alcoholic. On my tenth anniversaty, her parents sent me a set of art books with a printed inscription that they were proud of their son-in-law. Both of our parents have now passed away, with the death of C's mom in 2005.
I am going to have to capuslize now and be prepared to fill in later to whoever may read this.
In 1999 my wife had thyroid surgery. Something happened before she came home - she developed a very high fever for three days and was in intensive care for almost a week. When she recovered she could not walk, and had to spend a month in the **edit**Institute (**edit**). We found out later that it may have been a stroke, and that she had impaired short-term memory and loss of balance. We sold our house in 2002 after both kids were done with high school, and moved to an apt. in the area. Just before that in 1996 my position at my company was eliminated after the company was acquired. I devoted the next two years to a career change, from human resources to tax accounting, and almost earned my M.S. in accounting from *****. Had to quit due to lack of funds.
In 2000 I was hired by a compnay here as a staff accountant and treasury specialist, and that is where I worked from then until Sept. of last year. I know that the schooling and tight funds gave my wife stress at the time, but we had discussed frequently why I need to do this. We were not desparate, but things were tight.
In March of 2007 I was called by the property manager where we lived. Apparently C had somehow left a gas burner on or accidentally bumped it and the entire floor was flooded with gas fumes. The fire dept. and police were there when I arrived, and she was taken to the hospital and eventually transferred to a nursing home/behavioral health center. I moved to a rented condo in the same area right after because I was pretty certain that out lease would not be renewed. My wife was at the behavioral center for a year, but I was able to arrange weekend visits for her to stay here with me, and then eventually in May 2008 for her to be here permanently.
The roof came down in July of last year. I came home from grocery store on July 25 and saw smoke in our unit. I went in and there was a great deal of smoke but not fire. We do both smoke moderately. She had emptied an ashtray with some still lit ashes into a file cabinet dwawer without realizing what she was doing. Point is that I was informed by the Condo manager that she could not remain here as a resident. We had about 35 days to find her a place. I had to stay for obvious reasons.
My son, daughter (**edit**), and her brother (he is an attorney and is also the trustee of C's inheritance fund) all worked as hard as we could to find a place. With the help of the guy who has been her psychiatrist since 1973 we found a place for her finally in the last week in August. My son and I were prepared to move her there on Saturday August 29. C pulled the rug out from us tho. She since told me that she panicked because she felt that we were not doing enough and got in touch with a friend of her's and arranged to be placed somewhere else. I came home Friday August 28 and found some stange (really ugly fat) woman in the living room helping my wife pack boxes. My wife did not say a word to me or my son who I had called, and left. it turned out that the ugly woman was a social worker for the place that she wanted to go to. To keep it now as short as possible now, my wife and I had no contact from that day until Christmas Day 2009. I found out where she was and tried to call her, but found that I was on a no contact list.
I am gonig to end this part of my story now because I feel it is too long, and follow with most recent.

Tom, please do not give out so much specific personal info like your names. And please let us know how you feel we can help you.

Okay, me continuing.
My first contact with my wife was on Christmas Day 2009. I had invited my son and daughter who was coming here then to visit me and her mom, to dinner that night. My son called me that afternoon and asked if I could change the reservation to one more, as 'mom would like to go". I did and did not know what to expect but I did want to see her. I did not know at the time that she had renewed contact with our kids and her brother and SIL ( I just realized there are several abbreviations avaiable here) around Thanksgiving, and that I was also off the no contacts list. Bottom line is that we all had a good time and was peaceful being together again, but a lot of questions in my mind. I forgot to mention that my wife did not have nor know how to operate a cell phone up until I got new phones for our family (including C) early this year. It wasn't a matter of not getting her one...she just wasn't interested even with urging from the kids and me. She only uses the speed dial for important contacts..family, dr.,etc.
To keep this part short, she started calling me and me her, and we seemed to be communicating again for real. I went out and saw here a few times, spent time with her having lunch there (not too bad food), walking, talking, and then feeling like closer to her. She confided to me that she felt our son and daughter and I were abondoning her due to the fire and she did not want anything to do with us. She said that she only communicated with her friend..tho one who arranged for her placement. I felt from what she said that she had had a lot of animosity toward me because I did not try to contact or see her. That was hard for me to explain because she did not recall that she was the one who arranged the NC. She called me a week before our anniversary and asked me if I knew what Jan. 25 meant..and yea told her our 41st. Well, I got her a pass for the Sat. Jan. 23 and we had a date!!!. I took her to the shopping center her...bought her a purse, a couple of nice tops, took her to our condo for her to see the cats who she Has missed, then to Barnes and Noble to buy her her favorite music CD's, then to a nice restaurant where we had never been before, then a movie, and then back to the home. I had arranged with the Condo manager here to allow her to be here, just not overnight or when I can't be here with her. So for about 8 hours. We talked about our 9th anniverary and that was the time that I could not make it home due to a blizzard in chicago but I had to be dropped off near our house by a friend and collegue from work and had to walk about snow deep to my chest to get home and was frozen and she thawed me out in the bathtub and gave me a glass of brandy and then dragged me to our bed. I guess for the younger ones here, those memories will never leave my mind nor probably her's.
C called me on Jan. 26 she was crying. She told me that she had a wonderful time on our anniversary date but also told me that a "friend of her's left that day". In course she told me that "I need to tell you something", and then she told me that she had a relationship with another resident, they were "boyfriend and girlfriend" there at the home, that began last October like a month after she got there. I listened to her for a little bit more and then will admit I hung up on her.
Since then it has been eggshells. I now know who the guy was. One of the times I had lunch with my wife he came and sat down at our table and she just said 'tom this is R and R this is my husband'. I actually shook hands with the greasy creep. I found out that he is 10 years younger, but couldnt keep up with room and board there and either he or someone found another place for him to go to. I have had C here a few more times since I found that out..twice in Feb. for most of day and that evening. I do that partly now just to get her out of that place and for her to see the cats as well, and she does get depressed in missing them. I got permission here, mostly because she pressed me to, for her to stay over on valentines weekend. On that Sat. we went to dinner and a movie - Valentines Day - I even bought and gave her a valentine card, but honestly it was sort of neutral like from a friend. At first when I tried to ask about how she felt about all of this she just said I don't want to talk about it. That was shortly after she told me and I hung up on her, and I didnt answer her phone calls or call back for about a week after. Since then she has wanted to and I have listened only to as much as I feel I can hear. Apparently it was a close relationship with sex several times by visiting each other in their rooms. She has a private room there. I talked to her counselor in mid Feb. He told me he didn't know about all this and neither did any of the staff there. He told me that he only knew that they seemed to be friends. I will admit I lit into him like a missle and told him that they need to be **edit** more vigilant that he knew C could be vulnerable and that she is married. Even tho that guy is gone from there they did move her to another private room in another part of the facility.
Folks, right now this is hard. I know I've been much too verbose in this, but I do have some major pains right now and some major concerns and that is why I dceided to try to particiapte here. My son is coming over in a few minutes and I will try to clsoe this later. Thank any of you who can help and advise and just simply support

Am sorry folks, but I have had to split this into separate posts. I may right now be dense, but I do not know how to add on to a previous post or how to reply to a post.
I saw a response from someone earlier to my first post, and right now I can say that I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Also that person said not to use factual info, and I agree. I have but will now just use first initials.
Since I just started commenting on here with my story, I use that term because that is what AA people call it, I am emotionally exhausted. I needed to get away from this after my last post a couple of hours or so ago and my son and I went out for dinner.
As far as my feelings now, I feel angry, I feel resentment, I feel tired, and I just feel I want to isolate.
In the couple of times I have brought her here for her to get out yes we have talked like we have so much in the past, but I feel I have been taken in and feel like I am out of her loop. She's told me several times with I'm sorry I didn;t think you wanted me anymore and she loves me and all that and we're back together again (partly) and she appreciates me at least getting permission for her to be here for visits. She and I have talked about who knows about this, and I did tell our kids. Our son is now sort of avoiding her, and at first she asked what I told them, I told her that it was everything you told me and she went ballistic on me. Then after when I did Not return her phone calls and finally talked to her again she was saying that. When I listen to her is not like it was, is like I do it out of habit now.
I pretty much realize now that I am not very good at expressing my feelings in this kind of situation. I don't know still after several weeks how to deal with this. My first thought after she told be about the affair was to get a lawyer and just go to D. After 41 years I was ready to throw this relationship in the shredder. I haven't yet, I am just numb. There are just too many considerations and feelings running thru my mind. I don';twant to give up or part ever for sake of us, her and kids. I love her... I love my sweetheart.. I have always. Neither one of us ever had brought up or needed to bring up divorve before. I did tell her that I was thinking of it when I next talked to her. Then she hung up on me.
None of you will care about this but after I found out about her I got busy and just started cleaning the condo. I've done the ceaning since she couldn't after her thyroid surgery. I found a few of our wedding pictures and I picked one and had it reproduced..one of her in a red dress and her red hair at the hotel just after our reception and just before we left for our honeymoon. I looked at it off an on for over two hours, then I tore it up and threw it away.
Ya know, this has been exhausting for me. I feel a little better, but I worry about tomorrow. She is not the one resistant , I am. It's becasue I get the don't be that upset about it there is not anything more response. BOTTUM LINE is that I almost do not want to hear more about the affair, but I do not want to be brushed off with the don't wory about it I still love you approach.
Last, I told my son tonight that his sister is coming here for Easter and that we are all going out as a family to Baker's Square on Easter Sunday.
That is it for now...and thanks.

Tom

Tom - Welcome, and glad you found us. Try to keep your postings on the same thread by scrolling down toward the bottom, and selecting reply, kind of like posting to yourself.

Anyway, sounds like you love your wife and have overcome many problems.

Am I understanding correctly that you have started drinking again? I think you realize that is the first thing you need to work on, before you can deal with the problems in your marriage.

Am new at this so Believer I hope this does post.
Yes I did take my next drink and it was after the phone call from C about her relationship. I went to a grocery store here and bought half a case of cans of beer, and drank most of it and I honestly didn't care that I violated My own vow to myself sponsor and family .
In that period I had like a few cans of beer each night which was enough to get me numb until my sponsor dragged me to three meetings in one day four weeks ago. He was going to 'fire' me. he went off twice in his sobriety, once since he has been my sponsor and I ended up counseling him at that time. He is not in good health now, he is five years older than I am and I promised him and myself that I would fight to stay sober. If it means anything to anyone here, the feelings that I had when I broke my sobriety were worse than the feelings over my wife that I was trying to numb. When I wrote my story and posted on here I honestly felt like drinking again. I simply had dinner with my son earlier then came home and took a nap and then watched a movie.
Right now I am feeling am at a crossroad, I still am angry with C now that I limit my contact with her and I try not to think about her. Iwould not get a divorce. I've thought that through. There would be no point since now we have to be physically separeated. We've talked about the affair but not that deeply. The thing I hear from her over and over is that she felt that I abandoned her by placing her in a nursing home and that she also felt abandoned by the family and was depressed and that it just happened. She calls a lot and keeps saying that she wants us to be together and to try to find a place where we can live together. Right now that would be impossible because of the expense and trying to find a place other than a care home that would take her, and I don't need a care home. The place she is in right now is not that good at all. I guess like a lot of nursing or assisted living facilties they raise additional federal or state funds by accepting a certain number of seriously mentally ill residents or homeless. I have been there on visits, and I have seen that. It is not comfortable and it tears me and my kids in half. She is not at all as bad as many of the people there. SHe still has her vinegar and spit, and she is most of the time very alert, is still so attractive, and she still is herself in being very kind to other people there who are not as well off or in as good a shape as she is.
Today before I started posting here I finally came out of my bunker and made an appt. with her counselor there for both of us. It is specifically to talk about her relationship with her 'friend' and mainly to find out why. I have not been succssful in the times we have been together in getting her to talk aboutit. Is like she wants to move ahead and just get past that for us. I don't without knowing. For the first time in our marriage I have a serious trust issure with her. Right now I don't even believe her when she says she loves me or when she tries to urge me to find a place where we can live together. I don'twant to be faked out or bilked again!
There are a couple of other issues too. She went ahead and found an assisted living facility where she could have more independence and probably more compatible residents. Mostly 60 and older. The place she is in now has people who are anywhere from age 30 to maybe 90 counting the people they have contracted to take. I have been working with her counselor on this. We both know that it is unlikely she would be accepted in this assisted living facility due to her history. I have talked to my kids about it and they don't think that I should encourage this, and I am not, but I don't have the heart to just tell her No, and I have agreed to take her there next week so that she can apply on her own and simply take her chances. If she is accepted that would be great, and if not then well she at least had the chance. I may get stoned from some here, but you all do not know in 43 years how many times I acquiesed to this woman.
Anyway I have opene d my heart and even tho it is exhausting I feel I needed to. I cannot talk about my feelings to my family or obviously friends about how I feel about her betrayal and that is what i feel she did. Only my son and daughter do know, along with her counselor who I also told. I don't feel there is now a point to like do any kind of exposure.
I need to sign off and get away.
Tom

threads have been merged..

Hi Tom,
I've notified the mods and asked them to merge your threads.

As you know, step one is sobriety.

I suggest you read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by Willard Harley. One of the key concepts he presents in that book is that healthy marriages need 15 hours of undivided attention. This is time where the couple spends time together, without outside interruptions like children, TV, etc. just focusing on one another and meeting each other's emotional needs (ENs). He also explains ENs in the book.

15 hours of UA would mean you go see your wife for a couple of hours each evening and you guys read to each other, or take a walk, play cards, sit and chat, give each other a massage... whatever best meets your ENs. Then on weekends you could take her home and cook her a fantastic meal, or visit the kids, or get her help in re-decorating the living room, or pruning roses. Again, whatever meets your ENs and fills your LB (love bank - also explained in the book).

As far as her affair, I think your best bet is to focus on meeting ENs and avoiding LBs (love busters -- also in the book!). She is remorseful, she's no longer involved with OM. Let time heal the hurt you feel. It will, as you build a new marriage that works well in the new circumstances of her living in an assisted care facility.

I honestly don't think this is going to be an ongoing problem for you guys. The reason it happened is because she thought she was abandoned and totally alone. She was not herself, mentally, because she put you on the NC list and then did not remember doing so. In that state of mind she would not think to initiate contact with you, or seek a lawyer for divorce.

I do suggest that while things are going reasonably well with her and she is lucid that you talk to her about getting all the necessary powers of attorney so that she cannot put you on a NC list in the future, or make other decisions that threaten her well-being without you having the ability to override them. This may be something she's open to, or it may be something you want to broach with her through her counselor.

Revera, you are fast! Thank you.

One other thing, Tom. I commend you for sticking with your wife through all this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be at times. I hope my own husband would be there for me during my darkest, most vulnerable hours. It is encouraging to see someone who strives to honor the "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" part of their vows.

Hi You Guy and thank you,
Revera thank you for connecting the posts. I don't know quite how to do that yet.
Turtlehead: Thank you for your advice. You know, we did spend a lot of time just talking and listening in the past. Maybe even more than 15 hours a week. Now with the physical separation tho and no communication it is hard to get back to that.

Hi,
I hope this gets to you in answer to your response. Look, I am farily versed at posting at other sites...I do the treasury where I work, but I have to admit that this site really has me confused as far as updating threads and all. You will have to forgive an old man for a very senior momemt.
When I participated on an AA online site back in 1990s I felt strange at first, but I met tho most wonderful people there. They had a get together here in chicago in 1998 and I went and I met a lot of those online friends in person.
I had to laught ..probably for my first time in awhile...about pruning the roses. Isn't going to happen tho because I am more into green plants here now that I am maintaing the place.
I have had no doubts sticking to her. Through all the crisis times. There is one thing I am going to say regarding that, and that is we had very strong families when we were younger, very strong and almost so dedicated to or marriage that that gave me support.
I have lots of memories. Now thought I feel honestly like *s***t. This is why I came on here after looking at this site for awhile. I honestly feel it will work out, but on other hand I have my doubts. She seem just simply different now and I feel different too. Well we are old...well older, and probably not interesting to many on here. But on other hand, I just need advice for my feelings and in place of what I thought I would do in trying to get counseling.
Thank you very much.

Tom, in another thread I promised to read your thread and here I am!! No, I doubt you'll get stoned from anyone here. These are the most compassionate people and as long as you continue to write about your feelings, you'll get nothing but respect.

Turtlehead has given you some extremely good advice to consider. Without too much disclosure, I have spent a great deal of time professionally in the types of facilities where your wife is. The folks that do best are the ones who have regular, consistent visitors; something to count on. You are both going through a major transition, she needs you now perhaps more than ever before.

Your story is particularly touching to me as I work everyday with folks in your age bracket. I'm always astounded by the level of dedication folks in your generation have to their marriages. I meet people all the time who are married 40, 50, and 60 years. It's such a beautiful thing. I was hoping to be able to say that one day, "50 years with my beautiful wife and we get closer every year." But, I guess that's not going to happen.

Anyway, take care of yourself and let us know how things are going.

optimism

Yes the physical separation definitely makes it a challenge. Can you get in the habit of going to see her for a couple of hours each evening before heading on home? Drop in for lunch sometimes if time permits.

What do you mean about "no communication"?

And I don't think you're quite so old as you think. We get all ages on here. Just Learning is a fossil, Pepperband is not far behind, and I'm right on her heels. We get plenty in their 50s and 60s here.

Hello Trutlehead..and Optimism,
Thank you for your advice, and sorry for not replying sooner. I work three days a week still - my full time postion was eliminated last fall along with several others due to the company restructuring after a bad year. The asked me to stay on on a consulting basis and I am, and doing pretty much what I did before.
Today I took off because I am doing a lot of reflecting. I will probably post now in two parts to avoid being overly long.

Turtlehead, again thank you. Last week until Sat. was really pretty nice. I had her here at the condo on Friday for about 6 hours, made alarge salad for us and watched a couple of movies. Three of her biggest ENs are conversation with me really listening, support and understanding, affection. Her most important LNs are Not listening, being unobservant, not following thru with a promise (i.e. having to cancel something I promised to do with her or take her to), and and being too distracted or too into myself Not to recognize times she wanted to mess around be affectionate...and in her terms "do it". I listened to her most of the afternoon..how horrible it to be there and apart, "why did I have to start the fire", the kids..she complained to me that our son hasn't called her or visited in about three weeks. That sort of stuff. We did not talk any about the relationship because I felt she didn't want to. We just simply had a really nice nice day. I brought her back in evening, and she hugged, kissed when I had to leave to go back. I have a difficult time seeing here when I work and going in the evening because I can't drive at night due to bad night vision. So on evenings we take public tans. or our son has been driving us when he can at night. I have been to see her at least one-to-two times a week other than taking her on a "date" like to dinner and a movie, or here for a visit. I honestly felt really was getting more comfortable with her, and even told my duaghter after I got home that I'm taking mom out on Sat. - dinner at Red Lobster and another movie. Also, when we got back and it was almost 10pm when we did we ran into a friend of her's who I had met before and she keeps telling me about. She is in her early 70s, and my wife told me tho that she is trying to move to another place by July. Anyway felt encouraged because when I said goodnite to C she sort ofsmiled and told met that B says "you are good looking". Honestly my wife has told me that over the years. On the way back home she called me several times on her cell. I had to discourage her from making so many calls only because she is going to drain the battery, as she does not quite get the hang of recharging it. I have made arrangements for either her counselor or a friend there to help her do that.

Also Turtlehead, her brother is PoA since he is the administrator of her trust fund, and I am perfectly okay with it as we communicate about our situation regularly, along with her SIL. (I belive now I am getting the abbreviations now). I pay about 60% of her expenses including medical/dental ins., and the rest is supported by a small amount of soc. security and funds from her trust established by her parents.

Well that is the very good. I have to break now because even with today off I have some errands, but thank you much again.

Hello again. I guess I am replying to myself now..*S* just to give an update..I guess that is how it works.
Anyway this is purely to vent to be honest! I know you guys here don't need to hear it but I feel I do need this.
I don't know how many of you have had experience with nursing homes..even assisted living homes, but the majority of them are not good unless you can afford top dollar.
Anyway about a week and half ago my wife complained to me that someone was placed in the room next to her's and stayed up late playing music. She complained that she was not able to sleep and also that she had complained to some of the staff there. On Friday night I called and spoke to the counselor on duty and asked her to resolve that situation. If my wife does not get sleep, it can aggravate her whole condition.
Next morning she told me that nothing was done about it. I was going to call and complain again to her regular counselor, but then thought better of it and first called and talked to her Bro. and SIL. We all got on a conference call together to her counselor to complain. At first this guy said that "we will deal with it, but the person has some mental illness issues and we will need to confer with her counselor and the staff psychiatrist". Long and short her SIS and I said this is going to be resolved by the end of this afternoon, period. My wife called me that evening and said that so-and-so was moved out and to another room. she told me thank you and i love you. She said that our son also called and well he lit into the counselor...she said that her counselor told her he "bawled him out". I think now the staff at this place knows that we are unified as a family, and in terms of my wife's wellfare they are going to face a posse if they keep svrewing up! Sorry folks but sometimes this is exasperating and I realize now I am on edge about some of that staff there.

The real issue is that yes the ideal resolution would be to get her somewhere else. We are all now working on that, but it is a hill because of safety concerns with the fire being in her recent past. We have to also depend on getting an assessment on her from this place, and they are dragging their feet.

I read today in the Chicago Tribune that the IL Assembly passed a bill authorizing funding and construction of what they call "mental heath communities" where those who have a mental illness and are without much resorces or support can be placed. But this will obviously take several years. In the meantime nursing homes here get some of their revenue from state and federal funds by aggreeing to accept a certain number of peope...mostly under age of 60, who should Not be there and also some of them being totally undesireabl. over the past several years Illinois has closed most of the state mental health faciliies and now uses private nursing and assisted living homes as a dumping ground!

Hi there again..
I guess this is my day to post and vent. I have spent time now over the last week reading posts, connecting to some links that have been supplied and reading some of the articles.
I just wanted to say that I have not had anything to drink now for nearly five weeks. I did drink..first time heavily, and next few days two or three cans of beer at night. Did confess to my sponsor and also to C's SIL and to my son and duagher. My wife does Not know. Her SIL lit into me but mainly wanted to know what I was going to do about it and if I am okay.
It honestly does not seem that hard now despite all that is going on. I think mainly due to support, and also i keep busy
here with my work, cleaning and sort of remodeling the condo, some meetings and realizing that I am no good to anyone if I had kept up.
The downer is tho and I try not to focus on this is my disappointment at throwing out nerarly 18 years of sobriety. I like to use sports analogies of things that happen or happen to me and this is sort of like your favorite football team ahead in a game 24 to 7, and they end up losing that game 28 to 27! But the good thing is that I now have an extra quarter of play to get back into the game.
Thanks.

Tom, your situation is different from so many here that you will be slow to get replies. Many folks come here trying to figure out how to handle work, their spouse's active affair, and caring for very young children. Those threads get more responses simply because there are more people in that situation so folks can say "Well this worked for me..." and "Did you consider doing X?"

I think it's a good idea to come here and read, and to post in your thread. It can be helpful a few months down the road to re-read your thread and see where you thought you were really on track, or where things turned sour, and why. Frequently people are surprised at how far they have come in just a few months when they read over their threads on down the road.

How long does it take you to drive to the facility where your wife is living right now? Is it something you could do every day you aren't working? It seems like you both have time you'd like to fill up. If possible, fill that time together.

I do understand about not wanting to drive at night. You are smart to know your limits. I myself don't like to drive after dark when it's raining unless I absolutely have to. It wears me out.

Tom,

You and I are close to the same ages (you are a bit older ).

I do have experience with nursing homes and assisted living as I have had to deal with my mother in one.

What I am curious about is the diagnosis of your W. what do the docs think is wrong? I ask this because it seems your W is having memory issues as well as physical issues. My mother was having these issues and still does. HOWEVER, due to an accident, it was discovered that some of her issues had to do with a little diagnosed but common maladay.


My mother could hardly remember anything and she constantly ached, and had other physical symptoms. What it was determined she had and only because of her accident was a disease called Polymyalgia. It is related to fiber myalgia commonly reported in the news. I recommend you get on the computer and look up polymyalgia and see if your W's symptoms match those of that disease. I am telling people this because when treated many of the demitia sysmptoms as well as the aches and pains go away. It is treated with steriods (ending the possiblity of her being in the olympics ) but my mothers memory has come back. She is nowhere as sharp as she used to be but she is in her late 80's.

Apparntely people can have this disease and not have the memory loss my mother had, but it still affects things like memory.

Just a thought, because all of her doctors just told us my mother had dementia and perhaps Alzheimers, and perscribed airacept (I know I spelled that wrong). It took a trip to the hospital emergency room for a Doc to hear of the symptoms and ask for a test.

You are doing well and as you learn more on this site I think your marriage will get better.

God bless,

JL

Hi Just Learning,
Thanks for the suggestion.
She has several issues. The first is the manic-depression (now I guess termed bi-polar). She was first diagnosed in 1973. The second is short-term memory loss, along with some cognitve disassociation. I have taken her to several drs. but her primary care physician and her psychiatrist consulted together a few years ago and determined that she either had a mild stroke that time when she was in for thyroid surgery and/or the effects of manic-depression now over several years as well as long-term being on medication. Her dr. changes her medication every so often to offset any side effects. There have been tests that are inconclusive, but her symptoms and behavior match the diagnisis. I will reserch the myalgia tho, and thank you. I actually got the book called "Moodswing" back in 1973 and read it and then talked to her psychiatrist about it then (he has had her as a patient now for almost 30 years now) This book is on manic-depression...I don't know why I picked it out, but I talked to her dr. about it and he was familiar with it but hadn't read it. He actually did look at it and he actually did agree and diagnosed her with manic-depression, and also at time paranoir (becasue she had hallucinations sometimes in the past along with a breakdown).
She has some physical issues to that are being treated, and the worst is her knees. She used to be a dancer, including a pro dancer on and off broadway back when she was 19-20. Over the years because of how long she danced (from before high school age) her knees are in bad shape now. When we were out the other night she could hardly walk and I almost felt like I would have to carry her to the movie theater...*s*. Part of this is she loves to walk, and due to the winter now and also being in the facility she has not been able to since late last fall. She is going to need to get her right kneecap replaced soon and I am working on that now..
Thank you for your suggestion.