I have been married for 20 years. I have three beautiful children 14, 12 and 9. I have noticed the last couple years that my wife had been becoming distant. I work in Real Estate and two years ago my income dropped by 85%. She works full time. We have struggled financially these last couple years, but have survived. I will be the first to say that we are super great parents but since we had children we neglected eachother and did not spend the time we should have been on one another. Just didn't do the things we used to prior to children.

In October 2009 I noticed a phone # showing up alot on my cell statement. When I asked her she said it was a friend from her bowling league. I did a reverse phone # look up and found out it was a male. I didn't say anything but began to monitor the calls and text count. Then after Christmas she gived me this long 4 page letter telling me how she has been unhappy for a long time and thinks we should separate. I was shocked and confused. She said she did not want the separating to be with anyone else, but we both deserve to be happy.

I talked to her face to face about this and she agreed to go to marriage counseling. I went individually and then she did. During that time I kept a log of all the calls I could find and I had them going back to March 2009. At our first joint counseling session, I confronted her with them. I asked how long has this been going on and was it a physical relationship. I was fuming at this point. The counselor asked her and she said this guy was there for her emotionally but it had nothing to do with our marriage. RIGHT!!! So the counselor determined that I should see one of her colleagues and my wife see her for 4 months of individual sessions. Then when complete we all get together to see if marriage counseling would help. I told the counselor that I would not do this unless my wife stopped seeing this man. The counselor said I could not make it conditional! Too bad lady...you think I am going to go to counseling while my wife is the one cheating on me. So my wife decided to stick with the individual counseling. Weeks past and she would not discuss the other man with me.

I finally went to her bowling place and saw through the window her leaning on the guy's shoulder. I waited until the next evening (good patience huh?) and I confronted her and I said I want to know the full extent of this relationship. Has she slept with him? Has she seen an attorney? What are her plans? She knows neither one of us can support the family by themselves. The mortgage on the house and the title is in my name only. I told her I will not be the one leaving. She said she has not seen an attorney, didn't know what her plans were and yes she did sleep with him. I asked her how many times and for how long and she would not answer me. She said he was going thru a divorce and had already moved out on his wife and they have 1 child. I told her she needs to make her decision soon because I am not going to continue to live like this. I cannot work, I became depressed and had to go on an anti-depressant...the first drug I have ever been on. I told her I am tired of having to check phone records, etc. So three weeks went by and she never discussed it.

Then I get a phone call last week from a woman telling me she was the soon to be ex-wife of the man my spouse was having an affair with. She told me she had wanted to call me for a long time and wanted to meet with me. I met with her Saturday and our conversation lasted 4 hours. She had documentation that they had been seeing eachother since the middle of 2008. She actually hired a private investigater to follow her husband from 6/2009 to 9/2009. What prompted this was that she find a Motel 6 receipt for 2 days in May 2009. When she questioned it he said it was a bank error. When she pressed him to dispute it, he wouldn't. The investigater documented my wife and this guy's liasons at a park every morning for a couple months at 7:30am. She would stop there on her way to work and so would he and they would talk and kiss. He took pictures. He documented 2 more hotel visits for the both of them. He then documented his individual visits to numerous strip clubs. She showed me a prescription for Viagra that her husband had to take because he had "problems". She filed for divorce in 5/2009 and is waiting for him to sign the papers. He moved out in December 2009 to an apartment a mile from my home.

So that evening I confronted my wife. I told her I now know about all the meetings. I asked did you know he has to take Viagra and he visits strip clubs frequently? I told her she needs to make her decision in the next couple days. She can either leave or end the relationship. If she ends it I told her I do not even know how I am going to be able to work thru this. I told her we have 3 kids and does she realize the damage that will be done! I told her that I am not going to be made ou to be the bad guy. I will tell everyone we know the truth. Worst thing is the ex-wife's son is 14 and goes to the same school as my 14 year old daughter. She has told her son about his dad's affair and he knows my wife's name. I am concerned that it might slip to my daughter that her mom is having an affair and I do not want that to happen that way.
Any suggestions on how to pursue this? THANKS!

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB. Has this been exposed to anyone yet? Are your WW and OM coworkers?

You need to get your Plan A act together ASAP. Read this ---> Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Hang in there. More help is on the way...

Thanks for the quick response SusieQ. They are not co-workers, they bowl in a mixed league on Wednesday nights. I have told my sister in Florida, my brother here, a friend of mine and a couple my wife and I are friends with. I know she has 2 girlfriends that cover her tracks for her that know and she has told our mutual couple aboves wife. I was given the movie Fireproof from a friend and a book called the Love Dare. I watched the movie and loved it. I tried to get my spouse to watch it and she hasn't yet, it has been a month. I started doing the 40 day Love Dare and made it to day 18 when I found out the full story. I will check out the thread. Thank you.

LR, I think you already figured this out but MC and things like Love Dare really don't work on foggy waywards.

What typically does break through the fog is exposure. You need to put some pressure on this A. You want to put your list of targets together and try to get to everyone in one day.

That list should include:
~ your three children
~ your parents, her parents
~ all other close friends and family that are allies of your M, such as a pastor etc

It's awesome that you are in contact with OMW. Can you call her and ask her to expose this affair to OM's parents and family? You could even recommend her to come to this site to fight the affair from her side. If she would be unwilling to help w/exposure, maybe she can get you the phone # for OM's parents so that you can contact them yourself.

Next, have you contact OM yourself? If not, I would almost recommend you go to the bowling night and confront him right there in front of their bowling friends. That would really take all the fun out of bowling night. Hopefully some other will chime in on this.

I agree, MC and videos and books will not work. I know when I confronted her Saturday, she was shocked. That was step 1. How do I tell my kids especially the 9 year old? All our kids adore us, especially me. I work from home so I am the one making the lunches, taking and picking kids up, doing the laundry etc. Both our parents are deceased. I plan on telling our close friends on the street, four families that we get together often. They will be stunned. The ex has already exposed the affair to her parents and family, that is why she filed for divorce. I have not contacted the OM yet, although I am really thinking of doing it tomorrow when they bowl via Tony Soprano tactics. I understand the reason behind Plan A. The hard part is if I do squash the contact completely and she comes back begging for forgiveness...can I...especially after 20 years of marriage?

Lowrider,

Please read the articles here. YOu need to read about plan A and plan B. Exposure is done to seek assistance in saving your marriage and you should phrase it this way. The A will end when it ends, but your exposure is you seeking support and bringing honest into this relationship. You should not be in the position where she can claim she did nothing.

I hope you received copies of OMW's evidence. Store it in a safe place and show your W another copy. As for MC I would strongly encourage you to contact the Harley's they are pro's at saving marriages and offering up strategies for addressing problems in marriages.

You must realize that saving your marriage is a process and it will take time meanwhile you will be on an emotional rollercoaster with one day/hour you feeling hopeful and the next deep despair. It is normal.

Finally the reason for exposing to your children is NOT to make your W the bad guy, but to let them know that she has done something wrong and you two are working on it. It allows the kids to realize that they are not the cause of this problem. That is very important. They need honesty in their lives and your W has brought dishonesty into their family. You should tell them in an age appropriate manner, but don't lie to them.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. Should I tell the kids separately away from my spouse? Do I then tell her I told the children? Great post and I appreciate your advice.

Your call. I personally would tell them separately, then let W know and then agree to talk to them together if they have questions. Your W will try to spin this, that "Mom and Dad are just having issues." It isn't like that is it?

The truth is she has broken promises to you and it is hurting you and the marriage very much. Do the kids need to be told about adultery? Older ones yes, but younger ones just might need "your Mom has a boyfriend that she likes very much and married people should not have such friends."

No matter what you do if you are honest, she will be mad. The think about WS's is that they lie, and they deny. You might as well get used to that until she ends the affair, and goes through withdrawal. Right now she is very likely in "THE FOG" as well call it. This means that her logic is not the logic of every day. She denies, she lies, and she rewrites history while in the fog and ALL Ws's do this.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you again!

lowrider

Just a point of housekeeping. Please go back to your original post. Scroll to the edit button that is at the bottom of your post and click on it, then try to cut up your post into paragraphs to make it easier to read. I found my eyes crossing a bunch before I could get half way through it.

thanks

Larry

There you go Larry...sorry about that.

I am not sure that being open and honest with the kids right now is the right thing to do, given that I do not know what is going to happen. Why upset them and put that info in their heads if we are going to try and work on our marriage (esp given they are completely clueless about everything and don�t think anything is wrong) It might be a different story if we were always fighting. If we end up deciding to get divorced, then I absolutely think I should be open and honest with them.

I also have some concerns regarding exposure. I can see the point about exposure � however � at this point if I expose the affair to all the friends, family (both sides) and we decide to work on the marriage, everyone�s opinion of her will always be tainted. Not that it really matters, I guess, I don�t want the family disliking her if we were going to make it.

I guess I have to ask myself if exposing the affair to friends and family members will actually have an impact � most of our family has no influence over her.

Anyway � I don�t think there is a right or wrong answer to the exposure question�I guess caution should be used and I need to think before I do it and consider the consequences long term.

Hey lowrider -

Sorry you are here.

Exposure is really a good idea. Especially to the kids. It pains me to read your argument against it, as I felt the same way before I exposed.

Exposure will help you deal with the reality of the situation you are in. Which is a good thing.

It will also not allow WW to avoid the reality.

If you want to save the M, you need to do it, and do it well (no pussyfooting around).

I am far from being a veteran, but here are my exposure tips:

- make a list, and prioritize it, kids should be near the top
- do not make excuses for WW, do not defend her actions, do not blame yourself (it is good for you to accept personal responsibility for your actions past and present)

Do it sooner than later, and be thorough.

Good luck.

By keeping the A secret, you are enabling it...even Dr. Harley says so in his newsletter. He also says that exposure helps to end the affair.
Exposure Newsletter

Lowrider, the consequences of exposure are usually a recovered marriage because affairs thrive on secrecy. Exposure is a good thing for all. Keeping secrets enables affairs and enabling affairs destroys marriages and children's family. The only downside to exposure is the embarrassment of the WS and the WS should be embarassed. Being embarassed about being bad is therapeutic; a good thing. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.

here

here

Hey lowridder,
welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.

Exposure is a very important and necessary tool in the MB arsenal. It isn't the 'one thing' that breaks up the affair but it does put a huge crimp in the fantasy bubble the AP's have. Exposure stops any and all speculation from 'well meaning' family and friends who have NEVER experienced infidelity, or who has been so thoroughly gaslit they believe the affair was their own fault. It brings the sordiness of the affair into bright sunlight and takes away the secrecy and sneakiness 'one up man ship' that is the initial appeal of infidelity.

It tell people YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, while secrecy allows doubts like "you never know what goes on behind closed doors" and the like (which is a common innuendo that WS's use about their BS's)

Yes exposure will taint your family's relationship with the wayward, sometimes forever, some for a few years, some, hardly at all. Regardless, we cannot urge you strongly enough to expose. In time it will give you strength. It will give you a sense of confidence. Remember you did nothing wrong, what the WS did and the consequences thereof are their own to manage. Again, you did nothing wrong!

Non exposure is akin to scuttling under a rock and saying "I deserved this"

Notes I made about exposure:


--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

WS came home from bowling after 1 hour. She went upstairs to change and I went up there. She said she is President of the women�s league and cannot quit, it ends at the end of April. She said she will bowl and come right home on the remaining nights. I asked her what her decision was in regards to this guy. She said she was going to end the affair. I told her that I need to make sure she is doing it completely. That she is also doing it not just for the kids, but for me. She said she was sorry and she knows I will never trust her again, that she will now always be under a microscope. I told her first I am proud of her from coming home from bowling tonight. I told her that in spite of what happened I still love her. I need to know though that she is 110% committed to making our marriage work. That she is not just staying in it because she is afraid of what the damage would be on the kids. I told her we will go no where unless she is willing to completely cut all ties with this guy. I also told her that she needs to get tested before anything.

What�s my next step? Do I give her a time table to make a decision to either commit to the marriage or divorce? Do I make her give some type of promise or assurance that she will cut all ties with this guy? Now I need to figure out if I can stay in it after what has been done.

NC. Immediately. She needs to step down as President. There's a Vice-President who can fill in for her. Do NOT let her buy time to continue her A.

Lowrider, you are letting fear take over.

Your children should be told for a number of reasons especially since you said OM's child goes to school with your 14 yr old. Are you really willing to take the chance that your child would hear such news at school?

You don't need to expose the A to everyone and their brother if those people have zero influence on your WW or aren't close to either of you.